


Cold Green Eyes

by Wolfgang_in_the_Stars



Series: Cold Green Eyes [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, BAMF Haruno Sakura, Blood and Gore, But He Gets Better, Canon-Typical Violence, Drugs, Haruno Sakura-centric, Kakashi is not a good sensei at first, Mental Instability, Not Beta Read, POV Haruno Sakura, Some Plot, Some dark themes, Strong Haruno Sakura, Trauma, Underage Drinking, idk fam Sakura ain't got time for this shit, idk what I'm doing lol, it's mentioned but I don't describe people using, no one is really OK, no romance??? for now???, part of the story takes place in the red-light district of konoha, sakura's parents are bad, set up after the wave arc, team 7 isn't really working I'm sorry, these tags are a mess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-09
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:22:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 88,929
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25156942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfgang_in_the_Stars/pseuds/Wolfgang_in_the_Stars
Summary: Haruno Sakura is 12 years old when she realises she has to make some changes in her life or else she'll die.Three years ago, Sakura split herself. Inner took her trauma, her pain, her violence, and Outer took the rest.If she wants to survive, if she wants to become a strong kunoichi, she'll have to accept herself as a whole.It's not as easy as it sounds.
Relationships: Haruno Sakura & Hatake Kakashi, Haruno Sakura & Mitarashi Anko, Haruno Sakura & Shiranui Genma, Haruno Sakura & Uchiha Sasuke & Uzumaki Naruto
Series: Cold Green Eyes [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2096523
Comments: 215
Kudos: 803





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So I was working on my other Naruto fic, but some crap came up in my personal life and I wrote this fic instead lol. I've got the plot and it'll probably be a long ass ride, but I'll see how far I can take this. 
> 
> Enjoy~

Haruno Sakura was 12 years old when she realised she had to make some changes in her life or else she would die.

She and her team were walking towards the port, they had to take a boat to go back to mainland, to go back home at last.

Haruno Sakura was a book smart girl. She’d always had an analytical and studious mind, and that had gotten her through the Academy. As a civilian-born student, no one had expected her to be on par with her clan-born peers when it came to physical exercises ~~or to anything, really~~. And, indeed, she’d never performed well in that area, choosing to focus on her crush rather than on improving herself. 

She was the product of a system that favoured clan-born shinobi and left little room for others to grow. Clan-born shinobi were trained by their families from infancy, they were helped by them and inherited secret clan techniques and potentially a kekkei genkai, and their chakra reserves started developing early on. Because of all that and probably more, every clan knew the Academy didn’t prepare students for what the life of a shinobi entailed. Civilian-born shinobi had little chances of making it past chuunin; they were canon fodder, they were administration workers, nurses and teachers. They were replaceable. No one did anything about it.

Haruno Sakura knew all that, but didn’t think much about it. No one would reform the Academy. No one would care about civilian-born shinobi – except if they were geniuses. Maybe. But Haruno Sakura had her crush, and that was enough, wasn’t it? She could be with Sasuke-kun, and help him restore the Uchiha clan!

She was a small figure, always clad in red because she thought it was pretty. She wore a qipao that complimented her silhouette nicely. She was quiet ~~or tried to be~~ , she was smart, well-behaved and cute. 

It used to be enough. 

Haruno Sakura was a 12-year-old kunoichi, but she didn’t have much experience as such. This mission had been her first time experiencing helplessness and uncertainty, blood and gore, and the true power of shinobi. The death and damage they had inflicted had left her frozen in place, unable to do anything.

She used to think she was enough.

She hadn’t realised they’d arrived at the port, and they were now embarking on a small boat. The journey had been mostly silent so far; they all had much to think about. And she still had much thinking to do, so she was glad they had long hours of walking before making it back.

They were all quiet on the boat, but Haruno Sakura could feel Kakashi-sensei’s gaze on her. She didn’t give it much thought; their sensei was _weird_. She tried to see if she could get Sasuke-kun to look at her, but he ignored her with practised ease. 

  
The trip back to Konohagakure proved to be uneventful. It was as if the memories from their mission weren’t there anymore, for Haruno Sakura at least. She was glad. She couldn’t cope with the carnage it had been, the memories had been making her sick. She’d held Sasuke’s body, thinking he was _dead_ …! It had been terrifying. Not feeling these memories in her mind made her feel infinitely better.

Team 7 reported to the Hokage, then went their separate ways. It was late afternoon by the time she got to head back home. Being back in her cozy and proper neighbourhood made her feel safe. As she took the last turn before her road, she remembered the last time she’d seen her parents. It had been before leaving for Wave, and they had confronted her once again about her life choices. They’d always been opposed to her becoming a kunoichi.

Her team being granted a C-mission had been too much for them, and they’d given her an ultimatum. If she didn’t give up on her stupid wish to become a shinobi, they’d said, then she would have to give up on them.

Haruno Sakura knew it was just her parents pressuring her, they wanted nothing but the best for their only child. They loved her; they would never abandon her.

Inner wasn’t so sure they wouldn’t.

« _If only they knew_ , » Inner mused, « _what the Green Spirit is up to when they sleep at night_. » 

She snorted. They would probably have a heart attack. Not that Haruno Sakura really knew what Inner _was_ up to as the Green Spirit, but she had enough of an idea to know her parents would definitely freak out. 

She arrived on her porch and noticed a paper taped on the door.

Her parents had sold the house. It was to be emptied by the end of the day.

Her parents had sold the house and left her behind.

Her parents had abandoned her. 

Haruno Sakura's psyche started crumbling. Everything went dark, and the last thing she felt was Inner telling her to rest while they took over.

  
Most people assumed Haruno Sakura was this bright, obnoxious, and pretty straightforward girl. They were only partially correct. What they didn’t know, was that Outer, the Sakura they’d always seen, was only part of her. 

Most people didn’t know Inner, or, if they did, they didn’t call them Haruno Sakura. The Green Spirit only existed in Akasen, the Red-light District, and was called as such because of the green demon mask they were always wearing. 

  
Inner stretched their arms. Outer didn’t treat their body properly, but no matter what Inner said, Outer didn’t care. It was diet _this_ , not stretching at all _that_ , _I don’t want big muscles_ , _I want to be pretty for Sasuke-kun_ , _bla bla bla_. 

They scoffed. They were hungry and grumpy and wanted to punch a hole through Outer’s parents’ chests (watching Kakashi fight through Outer had been inspiring). The prospect made them smile happily.

They teared the paper from the door and made their way in, the door slamming with a satisfying bang behind them, making them smirk. They had three hours before a cleaning team would come, they didn’t have a minute to spare. 

The first floor had been emptied already. There was nothing left in the kitchen, the assholes had taken everything with them. 

At least, that stupid mission in Wave had paid decently. 5,000 ryo wasn’t too bad, although it wouldn’t take them far. 

There was a large envelope on the kitchen table. It made them suspicious, but they supposed the parents wouldn’t trap an envelope and try to kill them with a volatile poison. Leaving Haruno Sakura homeless was probably cruel enough.

They opened it and emptied its content on the table.

Several sheets of paper, a new ID card and a new passport, a new medical insurance card and some other papers fell on the table. 

They hummed and started with the sheets of paper. The first one they read was an official letter from the Haruno clan head. 

The Haruno were a prominent clan that traded in many countries throughout the continent. Haruno Sakura’s parents had been sent to the Fire country to expand their trade network. Not that Inner cared.

The letter said Haruno Sakura was no longer a Haruno. She would be just « Sakura » from now on, like an orphan. 

They huffed. It was their loss, really, Inner didn’t give a fuck about the Haruno clan. Outer would probably cry her eyeballs out, though. But she wasn’t paying attention at the moment. 

The next sheet was an official letter from the Daimyo, confirming and approving the decision of the Haruno clan head. Whatever. 

The last sheet of paper was from a real estate agency, stating that the house had been sold already. 

Inner hummed. They took that last paper and turned it, and, taking a pencil from Outer’s travel bag, they started writing their plan of action.

  1. Pack what we need (take some of Outer’s stuff too)
  2. Sell useless stuff 
  3. Buy food
  4. Find a place to crash for the night (Bindweed?)
  5. Make sure Outer doesn’t completely lose her shit
  6. Plan for the future (show my memories to Outer)



It was a good plan for the day. They went to Outer’s room, which was painted a faint pink that was _almost_ faint enough to be bearable. The room was clean and tidy, and admittedly Outer didn’t own too much. Her parents had made sure of that. Inner took blank scrolls and started inking onto them the seals that would make them storage scrolls. They wouldn’t be the best in terms of weight relief, but it was better than nothing. 

They separated everything in three piles: shit to dump, shit that could be sold, useful stuff. 

The first pile was the highest. There were trash romance books, fashion magazines, makeup and perfume and candle making stuff and other things that Inner deemed completely useless for a kunoichi. 

The second pile was quite big too. There were useful books but whose content they knew or that could be borrowed at the library, useless gifts that would maybe make someone else happy, low quality weapons – they needed better weapons than that – and Outer’s kimono and yukata and other ~~useless~~ pretty clothes. 

The third pile was the smallest. Inner’s outfits and equipment, including her two masks, a crowbar and a small gas mask for the sewers, Outer’s only non-useless clothes – clothes weren’t useless if they weren’t bright-coloured, if they didn’t hamper their moves and if they provided some protection – and their sabres, which they kept stored in a scroll. Outer didn’t even know she could fight with a sword, and Inner groaned at the reminder. There were also their best weapons, their most useful books, empty scrolls, their medical kit, two towels, and some other important things like an alarm clock and a sleeping bag. Because they didn’t want to hurt Outer – they were parts of the same person after all – they packed the Team 7 picture, a picture of her and her parents, and a picture of her and Ino. 

Haruno Sakura may not be friends with Ino anymore, but Inner respected her still, and they knew Outer did as well. They both cherished their childhood memories. The one that had happened before the split.

That done, they went to the bathroom. It would probably be their last proper and warm shower in a while, and gods knew they needed one. They let the warm water wash away the dirt and the dried blood and scrubbed themselves vigorously. 

They looked at their reflection in the mirror. It wasn’t something they could do often, to look at themselves without the filter of Outer’s perception. 

Inner sighed. They were too thin. They didn’t have as much muscle mass as they should considering all the physical exercise Inner did, as Outer kept starving their body. Their hair was way too long, and with their recent trip, it didn’t look as shiny as Outer liked it and was full of knots.

Inner wanted to cut it all. But they would wait for Inner to be there for it. It was something they should do as one. 

Inner turned around to look at the scars on their lower back. They were still there, a reminder of what had happened. 

A reminder of why Sakura had split herself, three years ago.

Inner dried themselves thoroughly and went back to the bedroom. They’d packed the important pile in secured scrolls that only opened to their blood and chakra, the useless pile was in trash bags, and the to-be-sold pile was in a couple travel bags. They brought everything downstairs in two trips, first the trash and then the travel bags. They took their new IDs and everything they’d left in the kitchen and secured them in scrolls. 

They left their keys on the table, and made their way outside without looking back. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here comes Inner, and they have exactly one more friend than Outer does, that is to say, they have precisely one friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... had other things to do but this story wouldn't let go of me. So here's another chapter!   
> Thanks to everyone who read or commented or left a kudo or bookmarked this fic. I hope you'll like this chapter ~

The Green Spirit was an urban legend born three years ago in the darkest, most desperate corners of Konohagakure. They lurked around in Akasen, protecting those who needed protection, making sure the different gangs and alliances stayed somewhat balanced. They didn’t have allegiances, they didn’t care about petty disputes, and they didn’t care about the depravation of the world in which they lived. 

Over time, Akasen, the Red-light District, had become more than just the only district in town where prostitution was technically legal. All sorts of criminals, refugees and desperate people gathered in the area. When need be, they escaped authorities through their perfect knowledge of the area and of the sewers, and the Hokage didn’t care enough to do anything against the rampant criminality. The area was warded off from the rest of the city through seals making it impossible to use chakra in the district, so it couldn't be _that bad, right?_

The Hokage had informers, to make sure at the very least that nothing too bad was brewing there, but he otherwise didn’t seem too concerned about the district. In any case, the Green Spirit watched, and ever since they had appeared the district had been slightly less dangerous to live in. 

The Green Spirit was a small figure, always clad in black like the shadows in which they operated, except for the green mask that had made their name. They bore two blades on their back and they were known for their unique double blade wielding. They were respected by most; criminal organisation leaders knew that there was more to lose than to win in attacking the Green Spirit. 

No one could afford to have the Hokage sniff around in the ever smoggy Akasen. 

Despite the fact that it was quite late in the afternoon, the heat was relentless. Inner was sweating heavily, still wearing Outer’s bright red qipao. They had sold most of Outer’s stuff already, impersonating Outer’s bright and bubbly personality. Inner had hated every second of it; it felt wrong to do that in Outer’s absence. They dumped what was left in a trash can, and sealed the travel bags in a scroll. They might be useful in the future.

The Green Spirit was a 12-year-old vigilante, and, as such, they had seen gore and horror and human despair, blood and treason and hunger, death and ignominy and poverty. They had seen helplessness but had only once experienced it firsthand before, and had sworn to never experience it again. They knew violence, used it often, but their brand of violence was straightforward. Since no one was allowed to use chakra in Akasen, death and destruction came in the form of fists and blades. The Green Spirit may not use chakra, but they would never had frozen in place in the face of carnage the way Haruno Sakura had frozen in Wave.

They got food and sat on a bench. They were still in the « nice » part of the city, which, for Inner, meant they were _uncomfortable and twitchy as fuck_. There were too many people who could attack them, too many people who hid ill intents behind easy smiles and gentle words. 

In Akasen, the Green Spirit knew where they stood. They assumed everyone was out to get them, and acted accordingly. Doing that here would be suspicious, and they might hurt innocent people. 

They grunted in their discontentment. They needed a more isolated place to eat, they’d never be able to relax otherwise. 

They made their way to Training Ground 3, and walked all the way to the Memorial Stone. No one would bother them here. 

They ate in silence, the birds and insects for sole company.

The day was ending by the time they finished. Outer was still out of it. Ah, that was almost a joke, wasn’t it? They smirked to themselves. _Good one._

Now, onto Part 4 of their plan. They already had an idea as to where to crash for the night, and they hoped it would work.

They made their way to the closest sewer hole. They retrieved the scroll in which they’d stored all their equipment, from which they took the crowbar and the small gas mask they could wear underneath the Green Spirit mask. It was a thin mask of fabric, in which seals had been embroidered to filter the air from the most common gases that formed in the sewers. It was a luxury, but it was invaluable to anyone who operated in the sewers. They put the fabric mask on, and they discreetly opened the sewer hole and went in, closing it behind them. 

The smell had been bad the first times they’d been in the sewers, but for the Green Spirit it had become a comforting one. It reminded them of many hours spent with Bindweed, training and messing around in the dimly lit tunnels. Scanning the area for chakra signatures and finding none, Inner unsealed one of the Green Spirit’s outfits and their twin sabres. 

It was another thing Outer either didn’t know or chose to ignore. She could be a great sensor if she just tried, but she didn’t seem to care enough to give it a go. Inner had honed the skill, but considering they only had night time – and then, only some nights and not all of each nights – it wasn’t anywhere near what it could be with proper training. 

It wasn’t regular chakra sensing either, it’d been born from the need to locate people in a place where moulding chakra was impossible. 

They changed clothes and made their way in the dampness of the sewers. They knew where they were going, although they’d never entered the sewers through this hole. They were an Akasen rat after all, Akasen rats didn’t get _lost_.

They exited inside Akasen proper. The Green Spirit sighed in relief. _Home sweet home_. 

No one was around, which was good. The Green Spirit hadn’t been seen in weeks, what with the mission in Wave, and if the Green Spirit was to disappear permanently after tonight, it was better if they weren’t seen now. 

They climbed the closest building to the rooftop and stretched there. The sky was dark now, the air heavy and dirty. They were already drenched in sweat from their climbing. 

Chakra couldn’t be used in Akasen; the entire area was put under seals that prevented anyone from using it. Shinobi didn’t go there often because of that. They were too used to chakra, had it running in their veins, strengthening their muscles and sharpening their senses, and going to Akasen felt like going blind for many. Shinobi on official business were entered into the seals so that they could move around without any trouble, but it was highly regulated, so the Green Spirit had to do it the civilian way. 

Not that many civilians climbed buildings, with or without ropes and harnesses, or parkoured their way around the district the way the Green Spirit did.

They travelled from rooftop to rooftop until they reached their destination. Doing so without chakra was exhausting, but they’d grown used to it. They’d become fast and efficient with their moves, thanks to Bindweed’s guidance.

The Purple Viper Den was a popular tea house that provided soft drugs in the entire district. It was managed in the shadows and even the Green Spirit wasn’t sure which gang handled it. Not that they cared much about drugs.

They closed their eyes and scanned the building for a familiar chakra signature.

The seals around Akasen prevented people from using chakra inwards or outwards, but they still allowed for nature chakra to flow around. So the Green Spirit had spent two years perfecting a sensing ability that didn’t even require a jutsu. It had taken hundreds of hours of training, because they couldn’t _use_ their chakra. Instead, they let nature chakra flow through them. Chakra was energy, and so they had spent two years attuning their body to the nature chakra surrounding them. They became one with their environment, connecting with it and becoming part of it. They couldn’t really reach out, and they couldn’t really read the chakra, but they could see because they were one with nature. 

What they saw was amalgams and deposits of nature chakra. In shinobi and kunoichi, it was denser than in civilians, but as a general rule, the larger the living being was, the larger the nature chakra amalgam was as well. 

That was how they knew Bindweed was in a private room of the Purple Viper Den. They knew the exact way chakra collected in her body, from many hours spent together or looking for her. It was a relief – they didn’t fancy sleeping in a tree tonight.

  
At last, the Green Spirit reached the window they were aiming for. The harness was biting their skin, even with their pants. They knocked their signature knock on the window, and waited for Bindweed to open the window. 

They didn’t have to wait long. They detached themselves from the ropes when Bindweed pulled them inside in a tight hug that bruised a rib or two. 

« It’s been a while, kid! How you doing? I thought you’d died in a ditch or something, » Bindweed said with a biting tone. 

It was just the way she cared: through physical and verbal violence. 

Modulating their voice, the Green Spirit replied: « No need to crush my ribs, Bindweed, I’ve missed you too. I need your help, though. Can we talk somewhere private? » 

Bindweed stared at them, her eyes half-lidded due to whatever she’d used. She had brown, pupil-less eyes, the exact colour of the coffee latte Outer’s mother would drink every morning. Despite the artificial relaxation brought by the drugs, there was still a sharpness in her eyes, and a tinge of mania that never left her. 

Bindweed came often to Akasen, but didn’t use drugs most of the time. She liked alcohol better, but from time to time, she came to the Purple Viper Den to relax somewhere private. It had been a bet, that she’d be here tonight, and Inner was glad it had paid.

Bindweed nodded and told them they’d meet on the rooftop in ten minutes. 

From the rooftop, Bindweed directed them towards an isolated part of Akasen, near the river, where people made shady deals and occasionally dumped bodies. The Green Spirit had learnt that the hard way, when they were still tender and hadn’t seen death and deprivation.

Next to them, Bindweed moved with the agility of shinobi. She’d not only taught them how to move efficiently without chakra, but also how to jump from buildings, how to roll so as to not injure themselves, how to climb buildings with and without ropes, and, eventually, the basics on how to wield a sword.

She was probably their only friend. She’d taught them a lot, and she’d confided in them too. She’d told them she was an outcast because of who her sensei was, she’d explained how she’d been betrayed by him – the Snake, she called him sometimes. She’d told them how her sensei had broken her, how he’d taught her before that, and how the Village had ostracised her. 

At least, in Akasen, she was no one. Like everyone else. So, although she didn’t live here, she could often be found here when she wasn’t out on missions.

The Green Spirit had confided in her with time too. They’d told her how they were two of them in one body – Bindweed couldn’t judge, she wasn’t exactly the paragon of mental stability. They’d told her some things about Outer.

But tonight, they would have to trust her with much more.

They sat down on the riverbanks, and Bindweed waited for them to speak. The smog was dense in that area, and, combined with the foul smell of the river, it could probably make an Inuzuka faint. The sky stretched above them, purple and grey with the pollution and the shimmer of the barriers that stretched around the area. Not a single star could be seen through the smog.

Eventually, the Green Spirit spoke.

« Bindweed, you’re probably the only person I kind of trust and I know you kind of trust me too. You’ve told me who you are, you’ve told me your name outside of Akasen. » 

They groaned internally. They sounded so dramatic. 

« So here’s me trusting you with something. I can’t do this shit anymore. I’m done with this whole Green Spirit thing. »

They sighed. They’d never relied on anyone else before, not the way they were about too.

« I’ve told you there’s two of me in this body. This me, » they said, gesturing to themselves and their mask, « was born because of some fucked up shit that happened three years ago, as you know. But the other me… She needs my help. We need to be one again, we’ve got to become strong. » 

« Anyway… I need a favour. I can repay you, obviously. I know this is asking a lot, but could you let me crash at your place tonight please? It’s just for the night I swear. »

They’d fumbled a lot, but not the way Outer often did. Inner was blunt and didn’t beat around the bush. The entire conversation made them scowl behind the mask, though. They looked at Bindweed, who had a blank look on their face. 

Had they done something wrong? They knew it was highly atypical for them to ask such a favour, but they thought it would be alright. If there was anyone in this world they trusted, it was Bindweed.

Then Bindweed started laughing, chuckles at first, then a full, hysterical laugh. Inner pouted and crossed their arms defensively. They’d opened up to Bindweed, and now she was making fun of them?

« So, _this_ is the end of the Green Spirit? I thought you’d die facing an army of yakuza or some shit, but this is much better. Yeah, sure, you can crash at my place kid, I like you well enough. » Bindweed said cheerily, wiping her tears. « Does that mean I get to see your face? And meet that other you? »

« Maybe. She doesn’t know about you, » they muttered, « she filters my memories from Akasen, but I’ll show her soon enough. I guess you’ll see my face, but it doesn’t matter anymore. The Green Spirit will soon be nothing more than an urban legend, and then they’ll be completely forgotten. » 

Anko hummed, then stood up and brushed her pants. 

« Right. Well then, let’s go kid! »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To be perfectly candid, I was a bit overwhelmed by the reactions I got after the first chapter. I hadn't expected so many people to engage with this fic! My heart is filled with so much warmth by this! And also I had to not write for a couple days because that was very much unexpected and I didn't know how to react lol
> 
> Not that I'm complaining haha! Thank you for reading this chapter. As for next chapter... expect a bit of angst ^^ 
> 
> "No one gives a shit whether I try or not. No one will notice, no one will care, and I’ll always be behind everyone else. I’m _replaceable_."
> 
> Also, do you have any idea who Bindweed is? One of the other names for Bindweed in French is "the Devil's entrails" and I kinda love it haha
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackmo0nie)   
>  [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/blackmo0nie)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inner confronts Outer

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter didn't want to come out right. I edited it so many times... But yeah, here it is. Hope you enjoy it! 
> 
> This chapter is much longer too~ I think from now on I'll post longer chapters, I'll see if I can keep it up

Bindweed lived in the jounin barracks. Most jounin with no clan or who didn’t care about their families lived there, she told them. 

Inner hoped they wouldn’t run into Kakashi. 

They’d removed the green mask and the black balaclava they wore underneath, but they’d kept the rest of their black outfit. They had a black hood on as well, obscuring their face and their stupidly revealing pink hair. 

Bindweed hadn’t looked at them yet. 

Bindweed’s apartment was small, less than 20m². Right after the door, there was a sink and a mirror on the left, followed by a small fridge. It was only one room, with a futon folded in a corner, a desk facing the opposite wall, a rather small window with a bindweed pot – Inner snorted at that – and a fair amount of weapons. It was surprisingly tidy. But also –

« Bindweed, do you actually _live_ here? » Inner snorted.

She probably spent the nights in the apartment, and little more time than that. The place was mostly empty and didn’t show much of Anko’s personality.

« Tsk, shut up kid! It’s just an apartment. I sleep here, that’s it. I fucking hate this place, » she muttered. 

Inner chuckled at that. Then they noticed that Bindweed still hadn’t turned around to face them.

« You can look, you know. I don’t bite, » they said, their voice dripping with sarcasm. They were trying to lighten up the mood, but the tension remained. 

« You can’t call me Bindweed anymore, kid, » she said after a while, as she turned around.

Inner pushed the hood to reveal their face.

« Hello, Anko. »

Anko stared.

Then she snapped.

« Fucking hell! You’re one of Hatake’s brats, aren’t you?! I recognise you, with that pink hair of yours. What the actual fuck, you crazy kid! You’re an actual child! You’re like, 9 or something! I knew you were young, but what the fuck were you doing in Akasen! » 

Inner let her yell all she wanted, hoping the silencing seals they’d seen around the room were good. 

She seemed to calm down eventually. 

« You’re staying here one night, and not one more. If Hatake hears about this, I can’t even begin to imagine the shit we’ll have to deal with. » 

Anko didn’t have many fears, but no one who spent any time in Akasen wanted to have the authorities sniff around.

« I know I’m asking a lot, I’m sorry. I’ll leave tomorrow, no one will notice me. One night and I’m out. »

They paused. « Also I’m 12, not 9. » If it came out a bit defensively, well, sue them, they thought. They weren’t a child anymore; shinobi and kunoichi were adults by ninja law. Anko knew that, all ninja did. 

While civilians were often shocked to see children have such a violent and dangerous lifestyle, it was widely accepted amongst ninja. There were few voices that opposed the presence of preteens amongst the ranks.

But even then, Inner had to admit that it was unusual for someone so young to spend as much time as they did in Akasen, since they didn’t live there. 

Anko frowned and sighed. « I’ll ignore that, kid. And I don’t even know when would be the best time for you to leave without anyone noticing, or without it looking suspicious. » 

If Inner could feel guilt, they probably would by now. 

« Eh. We’ll figure this out. Now come closer, kid, let me have a good look at you, » Anko said. 

Inner did and let Anko reach for their chin.

« Nice eyes. Nice hair, too. No wonder you hide both in Akasen. You’re kind of cute, kid, » Anko said with a smirk.

Inner rolled their eyes, and Anko continued.

« So, tell me. Why are you quitting as the Green Spirit? And last I heard, Haruno was basically… useless. I need some fucking explanation here. » 

That sounded reasonable, unfortunately. Inner didn’t like talking much, but Outer was still out of commission… Which was probably for the best, really, being called useless wouldn’t have put her in the mood to explain anything. 

« Other me saw some shit in Wave. Traumatised her a bit. She… We’ll end up dead or alone and useless if we don’t start working together. » 

« Anyways, her parents kicked us out – which was bound to happen although she refused to see it. Now she’s too upset to come back. She doesn’t even know we’ve been kicked out of the clan, not just the house. That’s why I need somewhere safe to check on her, and to start showing her everything we can do. She’ll see my memories, I’ll feel her feelings or whatever, and from there we’ll start working on being a proper kunoichi. If that’s what she really wants… » 

Inner couldn’t help the dramatic sigh that escaped their lips. Outer was too complex, most of the time she made no sense.

« She’s fucking useless at being a kunoichi! At least she’s aware of it. She thought she could be cute and in love and have babies with the Uchiha sob story. Not gonna happen, and also, she fucking froze during a fight and almost got us killed already. I couldn’t do anything, she froze so completely she blocked me out. »

« That’s why I need your help. I need just one night in a safe place to work things out, and then I’ll leave you alone. » 

Anko was looking at them intently. They stared back. 

« You really are something else, aren’t you? And I don’t think I’ve ever heard you speak that much. » 

Anko sighed. 

« Eh. You really are a mess, kid. Not that I can blame you, » she said. 

They stayed silent for a while, still staring at each other.

« So, how do you want to do this? Is it safe? I can’t do the Yamanaka mind stuff, so I don’t know how much I can help you, » she said eventually.

Inner nodded once. « It’s alright. I just have to meditate to reach out to Outer – the other me. It’ll take some time, just don’t interrupt me. » 

Anko agreed easily. It was already way past midnight, so she set up the futon and told them to throw something at her to wake her up if they wanted to join her to sleep, or else she might kill them by accident.

Fucking great. Not that they didn’t understand. 

Inner switched off the light. They sat down in a meditative position and took some time to look at their surroundings. There were only thin curtains, no blinds, and their eyes accommodated soon enough to the darkness of the room. 

Dim yellow light from the streets made the shadows stretch infinitely on the wooden floor. The sound insulation was shit, crickets and frogs and cats and voices could be heard. 

Anko broke the silence, startling Inner. 

« Hey kid… I said what I said, but if you need my help, you can always come to me, no matter when. We better lie low for a couple months, but come find me afterwards, yeah? » 

Inner felt weirdly touched by these words. Knowing Anko, it was basically a confession of undying friendship, or something.

« I will, » they promised. 

They listened to Anko shift on the futon then promptly fall asleep. They closed their eyes and let their energy and chakra synchronise with the nature energy around them. They calmed their breathing, scanned and relaxed each and every inch of their body, then they reached in. 

Their mindscape was nothing but grey. They had to reach deeper, they couldn’t feel Outer’s presence.

They went deeper and deeper within themselves, way deeper than they felt comfortable with, and, eventually, they find Outer. 

She was watching happy childhood memories on repeat, a blank expression on her face.

Inner reached out carefully and grabbed Outer’s arm.

« What are you doing, » they asked.

Outer didn’t reply. 

Inner frowned. Two could play this game. They shared this mind, after all. 

They forced the memories to go from these innocent moments to those where she’d been bullied. 

They showed her all the time she’d been helpless, useless, relying on others to go on. They showed her all the time the Uchiha sob story hadn’t given two shits about her. They showed her how her parents hadn’t cared for her, they showed her their abuse and how they’d left without her. 

Outer said nothing, but the mindscape spoke for her. It became darker and darker, and cracks started to appear. 

Then, they showed her memories she’d never acknowledged. They showed her hours spent training in Akasen and in the sewers with Anko, the numerous failures, the pain of injuries. They showed her the results, too. The sensing abilities. The agility. The twin sword wielding. How strong they could become.

The mindscape changed. The darkness receded marginally, and the cracks filled themselves with a grey, gooey substance. It was disturbing to watch, and not particularly reassuring. 

They showed her the memories from Wave. The one they’d taken away when they’d realised they could break her. They showed her the memories from three years ago, the ones that had almost destroyed her.

She flinched visibly, but it was their shared mind. She couldn’t ignore the memories.   
  
Finally, they showed her her dream as a child. To be a strong kunoichi, _just like Ino-chan_. They showed her all the good things they’d done in Akasen as the Green Spirit, and they didn’t shy away from the less glorious ones. They showed her their weaknesses too. They showed her everything.

Then, they started talking. 

« You said you want to be a strong kunoichi, but you’ve done nothing to achieve that. You say you love the Uchiha brat, but you don’t even know him. We split three years ago, because it was the only way to cope. But all you’ve done since is ignore your problems and hand them to me. This has to stop. » 

Outer said nothing.

« Either we stay split, you stay that useless kunoichi who’ll either end up dying stupidly or be forgotten by everyone, or you react and do something. You’re the one with feelings and quick thinking and positivity, but you’re also vain, immature and naive. I’m violent and angry, but I’m also strong and tenacious. I’m not letting your sorry ass get us killed, so you better get your shit together. »

Inner paused.

« Can’t you see how great we could be? If you just _tried_? »

Outer snapped then.

« You don’t understand. No one gives a shit whether I try or not. No one will notice, no one will care, and I’ll always be behind everyone else. I want to be a kunoichi, but no one gives a shit whether I’m one or not. I’m _replaceable_. So yeah, we’re great when we’re you, but you’re a ruthless asshole who doesn’t know empathy if it was thrown in your face! And all that training is great, but you could have done some research on the theoretical background and it would have saved you _weeks_ , you stupid asshole! »

Inner smirked and that was the tipping point for Outer.

« Even YOU don’t believe in me! Do you think I don’t hate myself? I’ve got NOTHING going on for me! And you don’t give a single fuck about my pain, about my grief, about anything! _I_ keep us alive, ‘cause you don’t care enough about life to actually want anything from it! » 

Inner was slightly taken aback by the vehemence of Outer’s words. 

« OK, that’s enough. I’m trying to make you _see_. You always use others to define yourself and your worth and what you want from life. We don’t need that, not at all. »

« Now, listen to me. In Wave, you froze. You froze so bad there was nothing I could do about it. You don’t care, you’re grieving and scared and don’t want to do anything about it? Alright. Then give up on your « I want to be a kunoichi » bullshit. You’re not cut out for the job. You can’t give up now? Alright. Then work with me. We are one, you and me. Embrace my memories, embrace my skills, embrace yourself for fucking once instead of living in denial. » 

They paused, letting their words sink in.

« So I’ll ask you now, for the last time: what. do. you. WANT? » 

Outer flinched at how loud Inner sounded in their mindscape. Then she seemed to make up her mind.

« I want to be STRONG! I don’t want people to see me and think I’m weak! _I_ want to see myself and see _I_ ’m strong! »

Outer breathed in and out, reining her temper in. 

« Alright. We’re doing this, » she said. She looked Inner in the eyes intently.

« It’s not going to be pleasant, is it, » she asked, not really a question. 

Inner didn’t know any more than she did. It might destroy Sakura's psyche completely, it might not work at all, but they had to try. 

« Only one way to find out, » they said with a smirk. 

Outer smiled, a pained, tight thing. She reached out for Inner’s hands. The mindscape changed, too quickly for Inner to follow, as they started being absorbed by Outer.

Sakura woke up with a cry. She was in Anko’s apartment, laying on the floor, alone. She groaned in discomfort; she felt bruised all over. She sat up, massaging her neck. Her head was throbbing, and she clenched her teeth against the pain. 

Memories overtook her. Zabuza’s killing intent. Their twin blades slicing easily through flesh in Akasen. Those men three years ago. The smell of the sewers. Sasuke telling her she was annoying. Training until they passed out. Brushing her hair in the morning to look pretty for Sasuke. Anko grinning at them with a dangerous glint in her eyes. Kakashi-sensei ignoring her.

Breathing was hard, black spots started to obscure her vision.

She passed out. 

She woke up again some time later, disoriented. Right, she reminded herself, she was in Anko’s apartment. Judging from the light outside, it was probably mid-morning.

She was alone, and she’d never felt it so starkly. 

Even before the split, she’d been Haruno Sakura, the girl whose inner voice was strong. Now she was just Sakura. No more Inner and Outer, Haruno Sakura and the Green Spirit; just – Sakura. 

She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat. She’d have to get used to the loneliness. She shuddered, she felt sick. She wanted to cry and lay on her bed for a day or a week. But she didn’t have a bed anymore, she didn’t have anywhere to go. 

She slapped her cheeks. She couldn’t have a breakdown now. She was glad the old man had given them two days of rest after Wave, she needed to sort out many things about her life. If she didn’t want to fall apart completely, she should probably confront Inner’s memories and everything she’d ignored those last years, she reckoned. She needed to accept who she was, what she’d done, what she’d been subjected to. 

She resumed her meditative position and took the time to acknowledge Inner’s memories. Unlike Outer’s ones, they weren’t tainted by much emotion. Sakura acknowledged the skills Inner had honed for the past three years. She saw Anko, who she was and how much she’d helped them. She let herself feel horror at the violence that was sometimes present, but she didn’t freeze. She was Outer, but she was Inner too, and while Outer didn’t enjoy violence, now she could see its use sometimes. She could take a step back and approach it with Outer’s analytical mind and Inner’s detachment. 

She’d be alright, she told herself out loud. 

When she finally stood up to face the day, she noticed a note on the fridge. Her hands were trembling when she reached for it. 

« Leave around noon if you can. There’s food in the fridge. You can take it all, I never eat here anyway

Don’t get in trouble, kid

Anko »

Sakura hummed. She was grateful for Anko, and she decided she would find a way to repay her. 

She went to the sink to splash some fresh water on her face and drink some. She caught her reflection in the mirror, the white light of the built-in lamp cruel on her face. 

She was startled to see her eyes. They were bloodshot, tired, sad, _weak_. 

She was weak. She was so, so weak. She felt disgusted with herself and closed her eyes to block the sight. 

She needed to become strong… She paused, then, as realisation dawned on her. 

She didn’t want to be a strong _kunoichi_.

At the Academy, they’d been taught about the arts of kunoichi. Seduction, discretion, manipulation… The list went on. They’d been taught flower composition, skincare, how to look pretty and find a man’s weaknesses. Haruno Sakura hadn’t been very good at any of that, but she’d been passable. 

The Sakura she was now on the other hand… She could seduce, she could use her words and a smile to manipulate someone into doing what she wanted them to do. But she sure as hell didn’t want to. She didn’t want her skillset to focus on traditional kunoichi arts, she didn’t want to be a kunoichi at all. 

She wanted to silently creep on opponents and defeat them with strong, precise skills. She wanted enemies to be seized with fear upon seeing her eyes. She didn’t want to be a kunoichi at all.

No, Sakura wanted to be a strong shinobi.

She took one of her notebooks and a pen and started thinking about her goal.

There were many ways to be a strong shinobi. She thought about the people she deemed strong: her teammates, her sensei, Anko, Zabuza…

But they were strong in different ways, she exclaimed at loud. She needed a common characteristic, that she then would be able to adapt to define how she would be strong. She focused on her team, as she had spent the most time with them.

What did _they_ have in common? She remembered Sasuke, Naruto, and Kakashi-sensei when they’d fought in Wave. 

Sasuke’s eyes had been filled with fire, turning literally red in the end. 

Naruto’s eyes had been abrasive, like a strong gust of wind that could tear your skin. 

Kakashi-sensei’s eyes… Sakura swallowed. Kakashi-sensei’s eyes had been filled with buzzing energy, ready to send electric shocks and stop your heart in an instant. His black eye was cold as ice, his sharingan was sharp as a kunai.

She got up and paced agitatedly. Her parents would have scolded her if they’d seen her, but she was alone and no one could stop her. Her parents had lost that right anyway. Her breath caught when she remembered she wasn’t a Haruno anymore. She forced the thought down; she’d have time to think about it later. 

She stopped in her pacing, sat on the the floor and took her notebook again. Remembering a book she’d read on elemental energy, she wrote down:

Sasuke → chaos, energy, active, hot, dry  
Naruto → chaos, energy, volatile, hot, wet  
Kakashi → chaos, energy, electrical, cold, dry

Sakura wasn’t her teammates. She wanted her eyes to reflect her own strength. She thought about who she was, about who her teammates were. 

Naruto was the wind, infuriating, always moving, impossible to catch. Sasuke was the fire, easy to anger, always ready to blow up, dry as the desert. Kakashi-sensei was the lightning, pure energy, drying the air and dispersing everywhere.

What was she? Her teammates were fiery. They were pure energy. She was grounded; she was matter. She was cold. She could adapt, but she stayed grounded. Her team was composed of volatile members. She would be the fixed matter that kept them together. She was a magnet of sort, she was the water and the earth. 

With all her teammates abilities, she thought, nodding to herself as she started writing down, she needed two elements to back her up. They all had unfair advantages, she only had her wits to herself.

Sakura → matter, fixed, magnetic, cold, dry and wet

Now she knew what she wanted her eyes to reflect, the kind of energy she wanted to project. She frowned when she realised she hadn’t written down _why_ she wanted that. Why she wanted to have strong, cold eyes that could freeze the hearts of her opponents.

Part of it was because she wanted to protect her teammates. 

But Sakura had realised thanks to Inner that her motivations were also more selfish than that. She didn’t want to be left out. She wanted to be strong because she wanted to stand her ground, she wanted to protect her precious people and herself too. 

Sakura nodded to herself. She had the main issue, the goal, the motivation. Now, onto the objectives. How would she become strong? She reckoned she could ask Kakashi-sensei. But she wasn’t sure she could trust him to help.

Sure, she trusted him with her life. But so far, he had barely taught her anything. He didn’t seem to have any interest in her. 

She might ask him for advice, but she wouldn’t trust him blindly. He was her sensei, a role model, but she was her own person too. 

She wrote down her current strengths, first Inner’s and then Outer’s.

Inner → sword wielding, sensing, detachment, agility  
Outer → analytical mind, eidetic memory, planning, emotions, chakra control

The Green Spirit had distinctive sabres, she would not be able to use them as Sakura. They were foreign sabres, a gift for a life saved. She should probably shift to a single blade. That way, she would actually look like a beginner, since she didn’t know the way of the Leaf when it came to sword wielding. She would need her other hand for ninjutsu, too.

She made a radar chart with her level in all the shinobi arts she knew. Her chart was pathetic, she thought. She had her brains and her sword and a bit of sensing and that was it. Her speed and agility weren’t bad, but she’d only tried that without chakra in Akasen, so she was a bit unsure about those skills. And her good chakra control was useless if she didn’t know any ninjutsu.

She might as well be a samurai for the lack of chakra-related skills she had. 

She groaned in frustration. She needed clear objectives to improve.

Her Academy file, which she’d been able to access after graduating, marked her as a potential genjutsu specialist. She wasn’t sure she wanted to be one, but genjutsu could be useful, especially with her sword. 

She needed to improve in literally everything, but she underlined the areas where she just wanted to reach a basic level for now – ninjutsu, fuinjutsu, bukijutsu, power – and circled those where she had an actual interest – taijutsu, kenjutsu, genjutsu, stamina, sensing.

She spent the next hour coming up with a training regimen. She established that first and foremost, she needed to reinforce her basics: she needed to gain weight and muscle mass, to expand her chakra reserves and to find taijutsu and kenjutsu styles that would fit her. 

Other than that, she needed a place to stay. With what Inner had showed them, she could see how she’d been manipulated by her parents. They’d told her she had to give them the money she made from her D-rank missions, because her becoming a shinobi was robbing them from the future they’d wanted for her. Meaning that she currently only had that one A-rank mission going on for her in terms of money.

The mission in Wave had paid decently, but she needed food and equipment and clothes. She’d have to sleep on rooftops or something until she had enough money to rent a place, she reckoned.

She’d be alright. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inner calls Kakashi-sensei Kakashi because they don't give a shit haha
> 
> Hm, the confrontation sounded too easy, didn't it...? Well, for now Sakura has many things to work out. She has to focus on taking care of herself and on finding ways to be strong. She can't take too much time to deal with her trauma
> 
> I've found that if someone is to have a breakdown, it's usually not when they're in the middle of whatever's going on. It's usually afterwards, when things die out, that the brain catches up and it gets bad. So yeah. Sakura is OK-ish for now, but don't expect that to last ;( She'll work things out tho
> 
> Next chapter: "She had a feral grin on her lips, the kind that asked for blood and violence."  
> Sakura resumes training with her team. They're not sure what to do with her :)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackmo0nie)  
> [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/blackmo0nie)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura may have changed, but her team hasn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope you like this chapter. Please keep in mind that most of this is from Sakura's POV, so obviously it's going to be biased ^^
> 
> I'll do my best to update in August, but to be honest I'm not sure I'll have an internet connection. I'll do my best!
> 
> Enjoy~

Sakura woke up with a start at 5:30. Her heart was beating way too fast and she noted distantly that she was hyperventilating. She forced herself back in the present. 

« My name is Sakura. I am a 12-year-old shinobi of the Leaf. I am currently on the rooftop of the Academy, where I spent the night. It is earn the morning, and in a few hours I’ll meet with my team to train. The sky is blue and pink and there aren’t any clouds. I can hear birds and little else. I can smell humidity and rain as it rained last night. The texture of my sleeping bag is rough between my fingers. »

She breathed in and out, in and out, in and out again, calming herself and refusing to be swallowed again by the memories that had overwhelmed her in her sleep – Zabuza’s first attack, his killing intent so strong the air had been thick with it. She hadn’t been able to move at all, that was how potent his KI had been. She shuddered and forced herself to let go of the memories. She would get stronger, strong enough that such a killing intent would not incapacitate her anymore. Strong enough that she could project one just as potent.

Sakura was a paper ninja. She learnt best from books, she had a good visual memory and liked when the theoretical aspect was explained to her first. When she had a problem, books were the first thing that came to her mind to look for a solution. 

So, when she’d realised after her first night sleeping on a rooftop that sleep wouldn’t come easy to her anymore, she’d gone to the public library to find a solution to her new sleeping issues. She’d planned on going there anyways, to find more information on how to be a good shinobi. 

_The medicine section of the genin library is incredibly small. She peruses the books and scrolls, until she finds the ones on psychology. There are a couple of scrolls and a single book on sleep and brain activity. She takes them with her to the table she’s claimed for herself._

_She learns that trauma can lead to sleeping issues like her own: nightmares, insomnia, disorientation and panic upon waking up. It is reassuring in some ways, and concerning in others._

_It means her trauma is real, it means other people experience the things she does._

_It means her trauma is real, it means her mind is damaged, it means she does have issues._

_It scares her a bit. For the first time, she doesn’t try to find out everything she can on what her symptoms might mean. She already knows most people don’t have two separate consciousnesses to begin with, she doesn’t want to see how broken she is exactly._

_So she focuses solely on the practical advice the books and scrolls offers on how to deal with the panic and anxiety and the nightmares. It has to be enough._

_After that, she peruses the shinobi arts section to find out more about the requirements of the lifestyle. She feels stupid for not doing so earlier, she realises that she knows very little about what it takes to be good. She learns the importance of training, of repeating the same moves until they can be done without even thinking about it. She learns the importance of stealth, that a good shinobi is silent and that they wear discrete clothing to better disappear in the shadows. She learns that a good shinobi is always on their guard, aware of their surroundings._

_She learns that shinobi kill._

_It hadn’t sunk in before the mission in Wave, not really. Shinobi kill because it’s a mission, because it’s self defence, because they are ordered to. Zabuza died, Haku died; they were_ killed _._

_It makes her pause. She knows that the type of mission on which she’ll be sent in the future will depend on her specialisation as a shinobi._

_Shinobi kill._

_It’s likely she will, too._

_She finds that she doesn’t mind as much as she thought she would._

Sakura took some time to stretch, her body sore from the harsh ground and the bad dreams. She brushed her teeth – it was a good thing there was a tap on the rooftop – and splashed her face with cold water. She put on a grey shirt, black training pants and black combat boots. Her dark red hitai ate was the only reminder of all the red she used to wear. It had to be enough; her previous outfit had been completely inappropriate for a ninja as weak as she was. She then took a pair of scissors, and braced herself in front of the dirty mirror.

For a long time, Sakura had had long hair. Sasuke was said to like girls with long hair, and she’d thought he would like her like that. Her parents had wanted her to have long hair, too, as was proper for a young lady such as herself.

She was her own person though, and her hair was just another weakness waiting to be exploited.

« Fuck Sasuke », she muttered darkly, « and fuck my parents. » 

Inner would be proud of her. She was proud of herself.

She rose the scissors and started cutting. 

She left longer bangs on top, although not long enough to get in her face, and cut it really short on her neck and sides. Her haircut was something between a pixie and a buzzcut; she looked like a boy. She felt lighter and smiled to herself.

Two and a half hour later, she was on the training ground, waiting for her teammates to arrive. It’d been a couple of days since she’d last seen them, but it felt like it’d been an eternity.

Saying she was nervous at the prospect of facing her teammates again was an understatement.

Sasuke arrived not too long after her, and ignored her as per usual. She didn’t say anything to him, which was a change.

She didn’t know how to feel about him. She didn’t have time for a crush, or whatever she had felt for the boy. She still thought he was beautiful, but that didn’t matter anymore. Especially considering he wouldn’t give her the time of the day. She had other priorities. 

« Sakura! » Naruto exclaimed as soon as he saw her, « you cut your hair! And what happened to your red dress?» 

Sasuke rolled his eyes at his teammate. Sakura used to think his broodiness made him look cool, but if she was honest, she was starting to realise he was like a bitter old man. Naruto, on the other hand, was quite alright. She’d try to be nicer to him, she decided.

« It was time for a change, » she answered with a small smile. 

« It looks good! » Naruto exclaimed with a bright smile. He tilted his head, then. « Does that mean you’re a boy, now? » 

Sakura blinked. Was he making fun of her? He looked genuinely confused, though. « Naruto, gender doesn’t change with just a haircut, » she said slowly. 

« So you’re still a girl? » 

« Yes…? » 

Naruto grinned at her. She shrugged internally. Naruto was weird like that sometimes, like he didn’t get concepts that seemed obvious to her – to most people, really. 

Then Naruto got distracted by something Sasuke said, and it was as if she weren’t there anymore. 

She shouldn’t have been nervous at the prospect of facing her team again. In a way, it was as if nothing had changed.

Sakura had counted on that, actually. They had hours before Kakashi-sensei would show up, and she intended on spending them meditating to increase her meagre chakra reserves, as she hadn’t managed to focus enough to do so earlier.

She did just that, her teammates not once addressing her.

Eventually Kakashi-sensei arrived and told them the plan for today’s training. First, rounds around the training ground. Then, pushups, pull-ups, and so on. 

Kakashi-sensei didn’t say anything, but Sakura could tell he was surprised to see her. It pissed her off. He had probably thought she would give up. 

She had no one but herself.

She let the boys rush in an impromptu race as they started on the exercises, and instead of following them she settled down to stretch before she started running at her own rhythm. She needed to gain, not damage the little muscle mass she had.

Kakashi-sensei said nothing.

She went on with the work-out, and still no one addressed her directly. Naruto did encourage her once or twice, but he didn’t really _talk_ to her. She forced herself to remember Sasuke’s blood on her hands when she’d held him, the smell of body fluids as Haku and Zabuza had died, the warm dampness of the sewers. She had to be strong, she couldn’t give up already. 

She pushed herself. She’d never done a whole training session before, usually giving up midway. By lunch time, she was drenched in sweat, and her body ached. 

It felt good, though.

It became a routine, then. Early mornings were for meditation and reading. Physical conditioning until lunch. After lunch, Sasuke and Naruto were set to spar, while Sakura worked on her chakra control and sensing. Kakashi-sensei didn’t set her up against her teammates, and she didn’t want to anyway, not yet. D-rank missions in the afternoon, followed by more reading and studying at the library. Evenings were for taijutsu and weapon training, although she could only train with kunai and shuriken for now. She was saving for an apartment, she couldn’t afford to buy a sword or other weapons.

A week passed, followed by another. 

« Alright, kids, » Kakashi-sensei told them one afternoon, « today’s mission is a bit peculiar. We’re going to the sewers! » 

Sasuke and Naruto groaned and whined respectively, the sewers _stunk_ they said, but Sakura knew better. The sewers were a dangerous place, everyone from Akasen knew that. 

« And what’s our mission, sensei? » She asked blankly. 

She didn’t bother with fake smiles and fake enthusiasm anymore. She wasn’t sure if anyone had noticed the difference.

« It’s just a cleaning mission, but it’s a good opportunity to find out more about the way the city works. Take this as a learning opportunity, my cute little genin, » he said with his fake eye-smile. 

Sakura was glad she always took her blades in a secured scroll with her, because she wasn’t sure what they were getting into. She wasn’t sure her sensei knew what they were getting into.

They made their way to the sewers. Kakashi-sensei handed the mission scroll to Sakura for her to read to her teammates. Then he handed a gas mask to each of them. They were big and ugly and old, but Sakura accepted hers with an internal shrug. She couldn’t reveal she already had one.

« So, part of the sewers network is clogged due to some accident. We have to clean everything up so that the wastewater can circulate properly. The section of the sewers is section H-3, in the North-East. » 

At least it was far from Akasen, which was in the South-East. It didn’t help her relax. 

« There were no human activities in the area recently, so we shouldn’t run into trouble, » she concluded. 

Kakashi-sensei’s eyes were burning the back of her head.

« Run into trouble? What d’ya mean Sakura? It’s not as if people hang out in the sewers, » Naruto snickered.

No one could know about the Green Spirit, she reminded herself.

« I’m just reading the fucking mission scroll, Naruto. » Her tone was harsh and so were her words, and Naruto flinched. 

Haruno Sakura didn’t swear as it was improper, but the Green Spirit did – one couldn’t just spend time with Anko without getting a bit of a mouth. 

Sakura sighed inwardly. Outer had hated Naruto, Inner hadn’t cared about him. Sakura was mostly tired, but she didn’t want to hurt her teammates if she could avoid it. 

« Ah, sorry Naruto… But if the lack of human activities is mentioned, it’s probably for a reason. Since it says it’s safe, though, let’s not think about it, alright? » 

Naruto stared at her. She realised it was the first time she ever apologised to him and started blushing. Naruto smiled tentatively and nodded at her.

Whatever.

The sewers were gross, Naruto decided. The smell was awful! It was dark! There were rats! He hated it. Even the orphanage had smelled nicer. As he shovelled sand and dirt and other stuff he didn’t want to think about, he thought back to Sakura’s apology earlier. She’d never apologised to him before! Sakura was pretty and brilliant, and she’d talked to him directly and had said she was sorry when she’d snapped at him! Sakura had been a bit weird lately, she didn’t smile much anymore and she actually trained with them and sometimes she got lost in her head and stared blankly at a random point. But if it meant she was nicer to him, then he didn’t mind the change at all. Naruto smiled to himself. The sewers sucked, but it was a beautiful day.

Sasuke was done with this day. He was done with this month. Ever since their mission in Wave a few weeks ago, annoying Sakura had been acting weird. She’d cut her hair and now she only wore ragged tomboy clothes. She looked like a street rat, she always had small cuts on her face and hands and she had dark bags under her eyes. She didn’t care about him anymore, and she even worked out with them. 

It didn’t matter. She was still weak and useless. And so was the other idiot. 

But now he was in the sewers and that was his useless teammates’ fault. If they’d been less inept, he wouldn’t be stuck with these idiotic D-rank missions. 

Their sensei was slightly less of a drag, but he hadn’t taught him much yet. Sasuke needed to be stronger, and these missions were getting on his nerves. He shovelled with more anger than before. He wanted to punch someone.

Kakashi wasn’t sure what to think of his cute little genin. He knew what to expect from Naruto and Sasuke. Naruto was a ball of chakra and energy, he was all action and little thought, and he was transparent with his emotions. He wasn’t a very good ninja yet, but with the Kyuubi’s chakra and his own Uzumaki chakra reserves, he was meant to become a powerful ninjutsu type ninja. 

Sasuke was similarly transparent with his emotions. He was distant, but his grief, hatred and anger were obvious to anyone who took the time to look. His taijutsu was good, and now that he had the sharingan, Kakashi could properly train him in that aspect. He reminded him of his younger self a lot, and Kakashi could only hope Sasuke wouldn’t end up like him.

Sakura, on the other hand, he didn’t know what to make of. At first, she’d been pretty straight-forward. A civilian-born kunoichi who didn’t think about training quite as much as she did about her « crush », she hadn’t been interested in improving or getting stronger. She was short-tempered, and, while smart, was really lazy in her own way. 

Or so she had been. 

Ever since they’d come back from the mission in Wave, she’d started training as much as her teammates did. She had a lot to catch up to physically, but she was improving rapidly. He’d never realised her agility either. And there was something about her… 

It wasn’t just that she’d cut her hair and given up on her girly clothes and on her childish crush. She’d changed. Matured. 

His other genin had bounced back from Wave with much determination, but Sakura had become someone else altogether. Kakashi had been so sure she’d just give up, but she hadn’t. He didn’t know how to explain the changes that were occurring in his pink-haired student.

Sakura wasn’t sure how to feel about being back in the sewers. Part of her felt relief, she hadn’t been back since she’d gone to see Anko in Akasen. Part of her was on high alert, drug dealers and other criminals operated there.

But she had a mission to accomplish, so she shovelled and shovelled and shovelled again. They were in a large section of the tunnel, with water welling deep in its middle. The tunnel hadn’t been completely emptied of water for their task, but the water wasn’t running anymore. 

The repetitive shovelling motions were relaxing, and it was as good a workout as any. Her teammates often stopped to whine at Kakashi-sensei who hadn’t lifted a finger to help, but Sakura only stopped for short water breaks.

She was on one when she felt two presences approach. She couldn’t keep her focus on sensing while shovelling, but she tried to expend and refine her ability when she took her breaks. The only thing she could tell was that, by the small amount of natural energy they had, they probably weren’t shinobi. She put the cap back on her water flask and readied herself. 

Should she warn her sensei? One look at him, behind her, told her he’d sensed them already, and that he was surprised she had too. Whatever, he probably wouldn’t confront her about it.

She cast one look at Sasuke and Naruto, who were bickering between sensei and her, and hushed them harshly. They startled and looked ready to argue, but seemed to sense that now wasn’t the time and promptly shut up. Good. The two people were far away enough that they probably hadn’t heard them yet. 

Kakashi-sensei signed « capture » and « light off » and « silence ». Then they were in the dark. 

Sasuke and Naruto were exulting tense energy behind her. They weren’t used to the darkness and the organic silence of the sewers the way she was. Her eyes adapted quickly to the weak, diffuse light of the neons that ran on the high roof throughout the sewers like veins in a deformed body. Behind them, Kakashi-sensei wasn’t exulting anything, his presence completely erased.

The two people slowly made their way towards them. They were probably drug dealers, Sakura assumed, either there for a delivery or to make a deal. Since she hadn’t sensed anyone else heading this way, she assumed it was for a delivery. 

It was ridiculously easy to hide drugs in the sewers. 

The two people neared their location, and Sakura was buzzing with adrenaline. They were using torch lamps, they would spot them soon. 

A feral grin stretched her face. She couldn’t be the Green Spirit anymore, but apprehending drug dealers she could still do. They were about to take the last turn and reach their section of the tunnel when they stopped suddenly.

« Hey, why isn’t the water running here, » one of the two whispered to the other. The sound reverberated in the tunnel. 

« Fuck. That’s not normal. They’re probably doing maintenance, » The other said, and then they started running the way they’d come. 

Sakura darted forward, pushing chakra in her legs and effectively startling both her teammates behind her. The sewers were her playground. She wouldn’t let the two criminals get away. 

Kakashi-sensei had thought that by letting his genin team face two civilian criminals, they could improve their teamwork and enjoy an easy win. Having said criminals run away before they even had the chance to face them was annoying, but even more so was Sakura running after them with enhanced speed, not sparing a glance to her teammates behind her. 

He sighed. Hopefully even she wouldn’t get herself killed by two civilians. 

Sakura had been trained by Anko to run and move efficiently without chakra. Now that she had chakra, her opponents didn’t stand a chance. She noted that she’d have to practise more to find the right amount of chakra to put in her muscles. As it was, she was probably being too heavy-handed, her muscles were strained and hurting already.

She wished she could use her swords. 

The rest of her team was behind her, but this was her fight. She caught up with the two criminals, jumped above them and landed in front of them. They stopped short on their tracks and realised they were trapped. One of them pulled out something, a knife probably, it was hard to tell, and tried to stab her. Sakura pulled a kunai and blocked the move easily. She knew how civilian criminals fought, she’d been in hundreds of brawls. 

She punched the man hard in the temple, enhancing her punch with chakra. She was too fast for him to react in any way.

One man down. 

The other criminal looked at her, something like panic pooling in her eyes, before darting for the deep water running next to them. Sakura didn’t hesitate, she yanked her mask and dived after her. 

« Sakura! » Kakashi yelled when her student dived to follow the woman in the water. Did she even know how to swim? 

« Naruto, Sasuke, secure him, » he said, gesturing to the unconscious man on the ground. He’d probably have a concussion. Kakashi promptly removed his shoes, internally swearing as he didn’t fancy a swim in the sewer.

He was about to go in when a form emerged, dragging another with them.

His cutest genin was many things in that moment, but cute was not one of them. She had a feral grin on her lips, the kind that asked for blood and violence. Her short hair stuck to her skull, caked with mud and other unsavoury things. She held the second criminal in a chokehold, and the woman seemed to have trouble breathing as she was coughing water. Sakura swam towards him, and handed the woman to Kakashi. 

The grin was gone, but Sakura’s eyes remained the same, filled with a cold hunger that looked out of place on the face of a 12-year-old girl. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Here](https://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com/post/625076016866590720/for-my-sakura-fanfiction-shes-got-cuts-and)'s a drawing of the Sakura I have in mind... Kinda? Idk
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackmo0nie)  
>  [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)  
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/blackmo0nie)


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura makes new friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay I do have an internet connection! So, here is a rather long chapter, coz I don't know when I'll get to post another one   
> Kakashi-sensei sucks... for now. He'll get better, I promise.
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this chapter~

Sakura scrubbed her skin under the cold water of the shower. She had ten minutes before they had to report back at the Hokage Tower. She breathed in and out and scrubbed her skin in repetitive motions. 

Her skin felt too tight somehow. She felt deeply unsettled. Her hands were trembling, and she bit the inside of her mouth hard. It didn’t help.

She spaced out. 

Her watch beeped repeatedly, signalling she’d been in the shower for three minutes. She came back to herself with a full body shudder. 

Right. Report… Her team was waiting for her. She had to meet them outside. They were going to report back at the Hokage Tower.

Right.

She slapped her cheeks when she started spacing out again. 

She hadn’t been able to take a good look at the two criminals, or to check for gang tattoos. Absently, she wondered if a new gang was responsible for this or if the two people worked with the Purple Viper Den owners. She hoped it was the latter, but she knew it couldn’t be the case. The Purple Viper Den were more careful than that.

She dried herself quickly and put on a pair of black shorts and a large black tee-shirt. She was pretty sure the tee-shirt was something Haruno Sakura had only used as a pyjama.

She wished she could invest in more practical clothes, but she couldn’t. She needed to save money for food and for an apartment, these were her first priorities. 

She rinsed, wrung her now sewer-infused clothes and sealed them away. She wasn’t looking forward to properly washing them, and she’d probably have to get rid of this storage scroll afterwards.

Her team was waiting for her outside the communal showers near the training grounds. These showers were disgusting and most people avoided them like the plague, so the boys had been surprised when Sakura had said she’d rather shower here and not waste time.

« Sakura! » Naruto exclaimed as soon as he spotted her, « you were so impressive back there! I could barely run because it was so dark, but you were so fast! And the way you dived into the sewer, that was brilliant! » 

They hadn’t had time to talk about the mission before, as Sakura had hurried to the showers and Kakashi-sensei had left them to bring the two people to Anbu. Naruto’s reaction warmed her heart, and she couldn’t help but beam at him.

« Thanks Naruto! » 

Kakashi-sensei wasn’t so happy about her stunt. 

« Maa, Sakura-chan, you can’t run off like that by yourself. » His tone was nonchalant but his eye was serious. « Going alone was dangerous, you endangered not only yourself but your teammates as well. » 

Sakura felt slightly guilty, but then she remembered the rush the chase had given her. 

« Sorry sensei. But they were just civilian drug dealers, so I thought it’d be OK, » she answered. 

Kakashi-sensei narrowed his eye at her but he let the comment slide. He eye-smiled at her eventually. It felt threatening, somehow.

« I see. Let’s go report now, alright? We’ll talk about it later. » He said. She knew this was far from over.

Later that day, after a couple of hours spent at the library reading and taking notes on different taijutsu styles, and a couple more hours spent setting traps for small game and practising her taijutsu, she settled in her sleeping bag in training ground 42. It was a secluded training ground near the Forest of Death. She’d never seen anyone here outside of genin training hours, so it was the one she used for early morning and evening practises.

She was exhausted from her day, yet sleep wouldn’t come. She couldn’t help but think about her team. 

On the one hand, she wanted to give up on them. They didn’t want to trust her, they didn’t even talk to her, they hadn’t acknowledged what she’d done today. 

Sakura had been underwhelmed by her team’s reaction to say the least, especially by her sensei's reaction. She thought she had done well, stopping the two people like Kakashi-sensei had ordered. Only Naruto had congratulated her, Sasuke had mostly looked at her with narrowed eyes, although he _had_ nodded at her. And Kakashi-sensei hadn’t been happy at all. 

  
On the other hand, her goal was to be strong to protect what was hers, and that included her team. She still remembered her sensei’s words, she had taken them to heart. She couldn’t give up on her team, she wouldn’t be this kind of shinobi.

But why did no one take her seriously? Why did they not acknowledge her?

Still, she wouldn’t give up on her team. She couldn’t. It would be easier to do so, less painful maybe, but she had to keep trying. She wouldn’t be worse than trash.

With that thought in mind, sleep finally overtook her. 

Kakashi needed answers. Why was Sakura acting so differently? What had changed? He was well aware that the fiasco of their first mission outside of Konoha had probably been something of a wake up call, but he had the feeling something else was going on. 

He didn’t like not knowing what was going on. He might not like it, but he was responsible for his three genin. This unpredicted development in his genin with the least potential didn’t seat right with him.

Kakashi headed towards Sakura’s house, ready to ask her parents for answers despite the late hour. He arrived there, and saw people inside, but none of them looked like Sakura’s parents – he’d only met them once, but he had a good memory. He frowned and pushed down his mask. He knew he had the right address, yet his nose told him that Sakura hadn’t been anywhere near this house in a while. 

He made his way to the administrative building where civilians were registered, and broke in easily. He found the file for the Haruno family.

> **Haruno**  
>  Kizashi (M)   
> Mebuki (F)  
> formerly Sakura (F) (disowned, see Sakura)

The file indicated that the Haruno had gone back to the Land of Iron, selling their house and renouncing their Leaf citizenship.

Would parents really leave their only child behind like that? Memories of his father’s unmoving body invaded his mind and yeah, Kakashi mused that parents abandoned their children sometimes. 

He blinked the memories away, the hollowness still there in his chest, and decided he’d talk to Sakura tomorrow. 

Sakura woke up choking on her own vomit and puked beside her sleeping bag. It had been memories from three years ago this time. She was drenched in sweat and the strong smell of that combined with that of her puke grounded her in the present. 

She rolled her sleeping bag and packed all her stuff. It was probably around 7 am, meaning she’d slept something like five hours, but she knew she wouldn’t get any more sleep. 

She took an hour or so to erase all traces of her presence and made her way to the communal showers. She shuddered as she entered the disgusting building that was probably only cleaned once a year. If Naruto ever made it to Hokage, she’d ask him to do something about these crass jokes of a shower! 

She showered quickly, using as little soap as possible. She got dressed, noting that she only had two clean tee-shirts left. It was their day off anyways, she’d have time to do her laundry.

She exited the building and stopped dead in her tracks when she spotted Kakashi-sensei waiting for her near the entrance. He eye-smiled at her, pocketing his orange porn book, and gestured at her to follow.

 _Shit_ , she thought. This wasn’t good. Anxiety was pooling in her guts, but she forced herself to calm down. He had nothing on her. She had done nothing wrong – that he knew of, in any case. 

He led them to a bench near their favoured training ground, training ground 3.

« So, Sakura-chan, anything you want to tell me? » He asked with faked nonchalance. 

Sakura tensed at the question, and shook her head, not trusting her voice. 

Kakashi-sensei hummed pensively, eyeing her tense form.

« Maa, where are your parents, Sakura? » 

As if he really cared, Sakura couldn’t help but think bitterly. She could give him a chance, she reckoned. He’d find out what had happened with or without her help in any case.

« My… parents left while we were in Wave, and… » she swallowed, trying to keep her voice from wavering, « and they disowned me. I’m not part of the Haruno clan anymore. » 

Her voice broke towards the end and she hated herself for it. She hated the way her hands were trembling. She tried to channel Inner’s indifference, but wasn’t quite managing. 

« So you’re staying with a friend now? » 

Sakura shrugged and said nothing.

« I see, » Kakashi-sensei said, « do you need any help? » 

Sakura shook her head. She wouldn’t ask. If he offered concrete things, she might accept, but she wouldn’t trust such a vague and open proposition. 

Kakashi-sensei hummed once again, then stood up.

« Well, in any case, ask me if you need anything, alright? I don’t want my cute little genin to be in trouble. » 

She nodded numbly as he eye-smiled at her then left in a puff of smoke.

So that was it. Surely he had understood she was homeless. He’d just said « I see ». That was it?!

Rage started boiling in her veins, heavy and potent. Then it all faded away and she was left with nothing but apathy. 

She’d been right. She was all alone.

It was mid-morning by the time Sakura was done with her laundry. She still had the whole day ahead of her, and she was thinking about her money, or lack of thereof. 

Even with the subsidised housing for which she’d be eligible in a couple of months, rent was still 2,000 ryo a week, since she was a low-income genin but not an orphan. A D-rank mission paid 5,000 ryo, from which two fifth went to the administration. Then half of it went to their jounin-sensei. Finally, each of the three genin received a third of the remaining amount, in other word, a tenth of the initial amount. 

With five missions a week, renting a place meant she’d only have 500 ryo to spare for food and supplies, which clearly wasn’t enough. So far, all her pay had gone to food, and she hadn’t indulged in anything, buying only milled cereals, fruits and vegetables, and hunting small animals for meat. She’d managed to save around 8,000 ryo thanks to the A-rank mission from Wave and her old stuff she’d sold, but that wasn’t much. And she still needed new training clothes and weapons, and other supplies as well. 

She needed another source of income. The most obvious place to find a job was on one of the village’s markets.

Akasen had its own market, although there was nothing official about it. It was located in a gigantic warehouse and sold about anything that could be sold, legal and illegal. She could easily find a job there, but she couldn’t work in Akasen and risk being arrested.

Konohagakure’s main market was located in the middle of the city, at the intersection of the two main roads. But no one in the central market would hire her; she had no credentials, no connections, nothing.

There was another market, which was mostly frequented by ronin. After the end of the samurai era, and with the growing importance of shinobi, many samurai had lost their lord. The most outer part of Konoha in the eastern districts was where many ronin lived. They did missions for civilians who couldn’t afford to pay for a Hokage-approved one, and most knew ronin did some shadier work as well. They had a market in their district, and their own police force too. 

While Sakura knew samurai hated shinobi, she also knew that this would be her best shot at finding a job.

She headed towards the Ronin district. 

With her black and grey outfit, she blended right in. She’d put a hood on as well, she didn’t want people to notice her unusual pink hair or her hitai ate, which she had to wear in the Ronin district. She went from shop to shop, asking if they needed help, even for the day. Invariably, she was shooed out as soon as they noticed her hitai ate. Someone even threw wastewater at her. 

Eventually, she found someone who had some work for her. 

She was a middle-aged woman with brown skin, copper hair and heavy muscles flexing as she hammered a sword blade. Sakura had been enthralled by her working on the blade before she had even managed to ask her for a job, and the woman had snorted at her star-lit eyes.

« Alright, pink girl. Name’s Sabi. Just Sabi, no san or anything. Let me see, what should I call you? » She said, looking pensively at Sakura. Sakura didn’t dare tell her her name, waiting for Sabi’s decision. 

Sabi had warm, brown eyes. They were smart and assessing, but not unkind. They asked for respect but didn’t demand it. Sakura decided she liked her.

« You’ll be Momo, » Sabi said eventually. 

Sakura snorted. She could see a pattern in their names, but she said nothing as she waited for the woman with hair the colour of rust to continue. 

She did, eventually, wiping her grimed hands on a grime-covered rag. 

« Alright. Are you available for the entire day? » 

Sakura nodded.

« Good. You’re a shinobi, right? So you’ve got some strength, despite this tiny body of yours? » 

Sakura nodded again.

« I’ll need you to bring me stuff from the warehouse throughout the day. Then you’ll help clean this place. I’ll pay you 700 ryo. How does that sound? » 

Sakura agreed easily. It wasn’t much, but it still paid better than a D-rank, although it was for a full day of work. 

The work was repetitive and tiring, but it felt good to do something useful. She moved big boxes around, she cleaned the floor, she arranged weapons in boxes. It felt good. She was getting things done, and being remunerated for it.

Sabi shared some food with her around lunch time, rice with some sort of soup. It was simple but filling. 

« So tell me, Momo, what’s got you looking for a job here? Don’t ya shinobi have missions? » Sabi asked when they were done eating. 

Sakura shrugged uneasily, then decided it didn’t matter if she told Sabi the truth. Maybe Sabi would keep her around. 

« We… We’ve got missions alright, but they don’t pay enough for rent. My parents kicked me out ‘cause I don’t want to have the life they want for me, so for now I really need money. I don’t have a place yet, rent’s too fucking high. » 

She sounded more like Inner than Outer in that moment, which meant she sounded more like Anko than anything else. It didn’t bother her, though, if anything the thought brought a smile to her lips. She was Inner as well, she was a bit rude and short-tempered and liked to swear. The smile died on her lips as she remembered she couldn’t see Anko for now. She hated waiting and she missed her friend. 

Sabi nodded easily. « I’ve noticed the look in your eyes when you first came in and saw me working, that’s why I offered you the job. You any good with blades? » 

Sakura smiled a feral grin, the one she’d learnt from Anko. « I’m alright. I learnt with a different sort of sabre, » she said, gesturing at the katana, wakizashi and tanto that were around them, « but I want to learn this way as well. Shinobi fight using chakra, but a good blade can do as much damage as a ninjutsu. » 

Sabi smiled approvingly at her. Her grin was feral, too. « You’re a good kid, Momo. People of the Leaf don’t value swords the way people do in the Land of Iron, so seeing kids like you is refreshing. How about this: I’ll show you some moves after today’s work. » 

Sakura tackled Sabi in a hug, her heart pounding in her chest. Someone was willing to teach her! Sabi chuckled as she hugged her back.

The afternoon went by quickly, there was a lot to do in the workshop. Sakura was exhausted by the end of the day, but she couldn’t wait for Sabi’s lesson. 

They went to the back of the building, a small strip of bare land between several buildings. Sabi faced her and put her hands on her hips. 

« Samurai usually have two blades: a katana, and either a wakizashi or a tantou. Katana are wielded with both hands, while wakizashi and tanto are used with only one. Since you’re a ninja and not a samurai, you should focus on either a wakizashi or a tanto. » 

She then produced two sheathed swords, one shorter than the other by about a third. 

« The wakizashi is a close-quarters sword, still powerful despite being shorter than the katana. The tantou is a long dagger rather than a sword, it’s best for swift and efficient stabbing and slashing. Do you have a preference? You can try both. »

Sakura accepted the tantou first and unsheathed it. She held it in her dominant hand, getting a feel of it. She slashed the air with it a couple times and tried some basic kata, Sabi nodding approvingly next to her. 

It didn’t feel wrong, but it didn’t feel right either, especially compared to the feel of her twin swords. She hadn’t been anywhere near mastery with them after only three years, but the tanto felt more like a long kunai than an actual sword. She sheathed the blade, and bowed as she handed it back. 

She accepted the wakizashi next. 

It felt way better. She could tell she wasn’t comfortable with the new balance, shape and length of the blade, but it was a start. She tried it the same way she had tried the tantou, before handing the blade back. 

Sabi smirked at her. « I see you’ve made your choice, » she said. 

Sakura smirked back. « Wakizashi it is. » 

By the time Sakura made it back towards the training grounds, it was late in the night. Her entire body was sore, and she wasn’t looking forward to the cold shower – the communal showers never had warm water. At least, it’d been a productive day. Sabi had lent her an old wooden wakizashi so that she could practise the new kata she’d taught her. She had offered her the same job the next week on her day off, and she could do cleaning work in the evenings for 300 ryo. It would be a tiring schedule, with the training, the missions, and this, but she’d make it work.

She woke up numb and detached from reality. Judging from the position of the sun, it was around 5 am, and she didn’t want to leave her sleeping bag. Not that she was comfortable; she simply didn’t want to face the day. 

She spent long hours staring unseeingly at the sky, before activity on the streets made her leave her cocoon. She packed everything, erased all traces of her presence, and slowly made her way South, towards the library. She didn’t want to think about training, she just couldn’t bare the thought of facing anyone, least of all her team.

She settled at an empty table with a book on chakra sensing she’d been reading, staring unseeingly at the page. 

Everything was grey. She just wanted to sleep. She was numb and disconnected and all alone. She missed Anko _so fucking much_. She missed her team, or rather, she missed what could have been. The four of them, trusting one another, leaning on one another, each member making up for the others’ weaknesses. Instead she had a broken team with a broken dynamic and a careless sensei. 

She tensed when someone crouched beside her.

« Hey kid, you alright? » 

She turned to face the intruder. The man had rather long brown hair, which he kept out of his face with a black bandana that was also his hitai ate. He had brown eyes that were almost black near the pupil, and there was something easy in them. There was also a spark of sadness and something else that Sakura couldn’t quite place. For some reason, the man was chewing on a senbon. He was probably a jounin, he definitely looked weird enough for that. 

Sakura wanted to raise an eyebrow and ask him if _he_ was alright, but she was tired. She just blinked at him. 

The man looked at her, waiting for a reaction, and scratched his neck when he got none. 

« Alright, I’m taking you back to your home. Are you here with your parents? » 

She managed to shake her head.

« Where do you live? » 

She tensed some more. But she realised she had nothing to lose. She’d opened up to Sabi a bit and it’d been alright. She couldn’t trust anyone with the whole truth, but surely she could trust some people with bits and pieces of it. Worst come to worst, he’d just leave her alone, like Kakashi-sensei had done.

« Nowhere, » she said, eventually. 

The man frowned, then sighed. 

« Alright, kid. I’m Genma. What’s your name? »

Haruno Sakura. The Green Spirit. Momo. 

« … Sakura, » she said after a beat. 

« Sakura, is it alright if you come with me to see a medic? I just want to make sure you’re OK, » he said. 

Sakura didn’t know that man. How could she trust him? 

But there was something in his eyes… Something that told her she could trust him for now. And she didn’t really want to argue, so she nodded. 

They left the library and went East towards the Academy. They stopped in front of a nondescript administrative building. Through the first floor windows she could see shinobi and kunoichi working there. 

« I just want to make sure you’re fine physically. Do you mind? It’ll be a general checkup, and I won’t ask for your results if you don’t want me to see them. » 

Sakura didn’t care. She just wanted to lay down and sleep. She nodded nonetheless. 

What was she doing here? Who was this guy? What time was it?

« Sakura, look at me, » he said.

Sakura did.

« I’m Genma, we’re in Konoha right now, it’s around 11am and you’re safe. We’re gonna make sure your body is alright, then we’ll see what you want to do. Is that fine? I need you to consent out loud, please. » 

Had she thought out loud before? She didn’t know, and it didn’t matter to her anyway. 

Belatedly, she remembered to answer Genma. 

« It’s fine, » she said weakly. Her voice sounded weird to her ears. Winded. Genma nodded. 

A young man with dark brown hair and black eyes was tending the reception. Genma spoke with him, Sakura just behind but barely listening. 

They sat down in the waiting area, then a kunoichi in a white coat gestured for Sakura to come in a small room. Sakura panicked, her nails digging in the palms of her hands. 

« It’s alright Sakura, » Genma said, but his voice was far away. 

She turned around, facing him. She was weak, and she hated herself for it. 

« Can you come with me, » she said, not making eye contact. 

Genma looked behind her and the nurse or doctor said he could if Sakura wanted him to come. 

They went in.

« My name is Kiyo Yamaguchi. Please call me Kiyo, » the kunoichi said with a small smile. 

The room was painted a faint green, with a desk and two chairs and an examination table on the left. There were windows behind the desk, and curtains obscured the view. 

Genma sat down in one of the chairs, and Yamaguchi-sensei asked Sakura to take off her tee-shirt and pants. Genma had his back to her while she was doing so, but she honestly couldn’t care less. She was just a child and there was nothing to see, and in any case a body was just a body. 

Still, she supposed she appreciated the thought.

Yamaguchi-sensei measured her height and weight, made her do sit-ups then measured her blood pressure. She listened to her breathing, then asked her to lay down on the examination table.

« This is just a medical check-up jutsu. I want to make sure your body is fine internally, and that your chakra is flowing properly. Is that alright? » She asked. 

Sakura liked her voice and the way she talked. She sounded calm and wasn’t patronising, just professional. 

« Yes, » she answered. 

Yamaguchi-sensei’s hands lit up a deep green, and she pressed them on her forehead and temples, then on her belly. Sakura almost dozed off, she hadn’t been on anything this comfortable in weeks. She’d probably cry the next time she’d get to sleep on a real futon.

« Alright Sakura. Thank you, you can put your clothes back on, » Yamaguchi-sensei said with a smile. 

Sakura sat down next to Genma once she was dressed.

« Sakura, I’m about to disclose the results of this medical check-up. Do you want Genma-san to wait outside? » 

Sakura shook her head. She didn’t want to be alone. 

« You’re slightly underweighted, although, compared to your file, you’ve been gaining a bit recently. Keep that up and you’ll be fine. Your blood pressure is a bit too high, nothing alarming. I noticed you were shaking a bit, too. Your body is showing some signs of exhaustion. Have you had trouble sleeping recently? »

Sakura nodded. When Yamaguchi-sensei said nothing, Sakura explained: « Falling asleep is fine, I’m usually exhausted by the time I go to sleep. But I don’t stay asleep for long, and nightmares wake me up most nights, » she said with an even and detached tone.

She was starting to panic, though. She knew she didn’t sound fine. She couldn’t afford to have a Yamanaka snooping around in her head, not now that she had all her memories. She breathed in and out, and bit her cheek hard, using the pain and the taste of blood on her tongue to ground herself in the moment.   
  
With the anxiety pooling in her guts, and the iron taste of blood in her mouth, the bubble she’d been in since she’d woken up suddenly burst. Now she was hyper aware of everything around her, the tap tap of Yamaguchi-sensei’s pen on her pad, Genma’s breathing next to her, her heart pounding in her chest. She closed her eyes briefly at the assault on her senses. 

« But it’s alright! » She said, putting a bit too much enthusiasm in the sentence. Yamaguchi-sensei just smiled, but Genma-san tensed at the change of demeanour. She gathered her thoughts, using what she’d read on psychological check-ups to make sure she sounded reassuring.

« It was hard for me after our last mission, but I’m doing better now. I have my team in any case, and other friends to whom I can talk if I need. I’ve always had nightmares when I’m stressed, they’ll fade away soon enough. If they don’t, I’ll make an appointment with the psychological support unit, » she added with a small smile that she hoped looked genuine and a bit shy. 

Yamaguchi-sensei bought it, but Genma-san probably not so much, if the side glance he gave her was anything to go by. But then again, he’d been with her since she’d spaced out at the library, while Yamaguchi-sensei had only been with her for a dozen minutes.

« Alright, make sure to do that if the nightmares persist. In the meantime, I’ll prescribe some magnesium pills for you to take every morning with your breakfast, » she said with a smile. 

They bid their goodbyes, and Sakura tried to dash as soon as they’d left the building, but Genma grabbed her arm.

« Not so fast, squirrel. You did well, how about we grab lunch? » Genma said. 

Sakura forced herself not to flinch at the contact, and squealed at the undignified nickname. She was getting a bit wary of the man, though.

« You know I’m only 12, right? I’m a bit young for you, Genma-san. » She said with a deadpan face. 

Genma let go of her arm, a pout on his face. 

« It’s not like that, kid. What the fuck? » He exclaimed. He sighed, then, and looked away.

« Look, I get that you have no reasons to trust me. But I know the look in your eyes. I know what it’s like to be just a kid and to be left to your own device in a village that only cares about you as resource. So if you want, we can grab lunch, and if you don’t, that’s fine. »

Sakura stared back, unsure how to react. 

« Why, » she started, but her mouth was too dry and she had to cough a couple times before she tried again, « Why are you doing all this for me? You don’t even know me. »

« You’re the kid always staying around training ground 42, aren’t you, » he said, not really a question and not looking at her.

Sakura had been careless. She’d only spent two nights there, with 10 days of interval, and she changed her sleeping location every night. But she’d practised every day in the same place, and at the same hours too.

« I’ve seen you there a lot the last few weeks. Like I said, I know what it’s like to have no one, so… » 

She shouldn’t accept, she thought, but she was tired and lonely, and no one gone out of their way to be nice to her in… Forever. 

« Alright, but we’re getting anmitsu after lunch, » Sakura said, crossing her arms.

Genma let out a startled laugh. « You sure drive a hard bargain, squirrel. Let’s go. »

They went to a soba restaurant nearby, and an awkward silence stretched between them as they waited for their food.

Genma-san had been nice to her, Sakura reckoned. He thought she’d been hurt, and had probably figured out by now that although she was fine physically, she wasn’t so fine in her head, but he hadn’t pushed. 

He’d done more than anyone else in her life recently. 

« So, Genma-san, you’re a jounin right? » Sakura asked. Genma perked up, seemingly relieved that she had started a conversation.

« Not exactly. I’m a tokubetsu jounin, tokujo for short. It means I’m on jounin level in my field of expertise, but that my skills aren’t developed enough in some areas to be a jounin. » 

Sakura hummed. « Is it an exam as well? » She was genuinely curious, she was always eager to learn new things. While she knew the hierarchy amongst shinobi, she didn’t know much about how to climb the ladder. 

« Nope, it’s a field promotion you can get based on your performance in missions, » he answered easily around a mouthful of soba. 

Sensing her interest, he went on. « To be granted the genin, chuunin, and jounin ranks, you do have to pass an exam in most cases, although there are some rare field promotions. The chuunin exam takes place in one of the hidden villages and is a joint exam between all the Great Shinobi nations. The jounin exam is more of a village secret, each hidden village having their own. What I can tell you is that you need recommendations to be allowed to present it, and you have to have completed a certain amount of missions as well. » 

That made her pause. Jounin were the elite of the shinobi world, and were mostly from the Noble Clans. 

« Jounin promotion is completely political, isn’t it, » she said with a frown as realisation downed on her. Civilian-born shinobi were less connected than clan-born ones, and less likely to have higher-ranked people vouching for them. 

Genma gazed at her pensively. « Aren’t you a sharp one, » he said eventually. 

Sakura couldn’t help but blush in pleasure. Sharp was a nice compliment. It meant she had an edge, it meant she was dangerous.

« But yeah. People with high-responsibility jobs are mostly clan members. In turn, they can vouch for their most competent fellows. » He paused. « Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying those promoted as jounin don’t deserve the rank… » He didn’t finish his sentence but Sakura didn’t need him to.

 _I’m saying there are people who deserve the rank but don’t get the opportunity tp try for it_ was what he meant.   
  
« Enough about me, though. What about you Sakura? Tell me about your team, » he said with a genuine smile. Sakura was glad for the change of subject. 

She indulged him with stories of Team 7’s idiocies on D-rank missions, and she felt warmth pool in her belly when he laughed at her antics as she got more and more animated. She hadn’t spent such a good time in a very long time, and she forced herself not to think about the loneliness she’d feel once Genma-san would leave. 

« Anyways, the boys are fucking idiots, I’m so sick of their rivalry. They spend so much time riling each other up that they ignore me most of the time, » she said with a pout. 

Genma-san’s smile became strained at that but otherwise didn’t address the statement, nor the swearing. 

« Do you know what you want to specialise in yet? » 

Sakura considered the question. « Ah… I’m not sure yet. My Academy file says I could be good at genjutsu because my chakra control is decent, but Kakashi-sensei is yet to teach me any. I guess specialising in genjutsu would make sense, since Sasuke is so good in taijutsu and Naruto has _a lot_ of chakra and he loves flashy ninjutsu. » 

She tried not to let any bitterness inflect her voice, but she wasn’t half successful. She looked down at her fingers, curled as they were around her glass of water. She hadn’t had a cup of tea in weeks. That would be the first thing she would do once she’d get a place to stay. Brew herself a cup of strong tea, then enjoy a nice, relaxing night on a comfortable futon. 

« I’m not asking you what people think you should do. I’m asking you what you want to do, » Genma-san said, not unkindly. 

Well, that was new. People never asked her what she wanted. 

And, for once, she actually knew what she wanted. She didn’t know if she could do it, but that wasn’t what Genma-san was asking.

« I do want to learn some genjutsu, but I don’t want to specialise in it. I want to fight with a sword. I’ve started learning how to fight with a wakizashi, and I think it could be a good combination with genjutsu or ninjutsu. I want to learn how to use other weapons too! I can’t throw well, » she relented, « but I really want to improve. » 

« I guess I don’t know what my specialisation could be yet, but I’m most interested in kenjutsu and sensing jutsu, and taijutsu as well, » she concluded with a decisive nod, trying to look more confident than she felt. It was the first time she was telling that to anyone but herself.

Genma-san looked at her critically, his chin on his hand.

« I see. How would you assess yourself as a ninja right now? » He asked. 

The question made her uncomfortable, but she answered honestly.

« My taijutsu is… useless. I only know the Fallen Leaf kata, and they don’t really work for me. I don’t have much strength and my stamina could be better, although I’ve improved in the past weeks. I have good chakra control, but I don’t know any useful ninjutsu except for the Academy Three. » She swallowed hard before she went on.

« I… used to be not so involved in my training. But I’ve been working hard to make up for that. I’m very agile and although I’m not that fast in a fight, I can move very fast, even without chakra. My kenjutsu isn’t too bad and I have some sensing abilities, but yeah. I haven’t got much going on for me, » she said with a forced laugh. 

« Do you want my opinion? » 

The way Genma was looking at her made her squirm under the scrutiny, she’d never had anyone’s attention like she had Genma’s in that instant. She nodded slowly. She didn’t know the man that much, but he was a tokujo, and he’d been nice to her. She would value his input. 

« You’re smart, you’ve got a good rational mind. You mostly train by yourself, right? » 

She nodded and he went on. « That’s not good. You need to confront yourself to others to improve. You can only improve so much by learning from books and training alone. » 

Sakura wanted to protest – she didn’t have anyone to train with! – but Genma wasn’t done. « From what you’ve told me, I’m guessing your sensei doesn’t train you much, does he? » 

Sakura shook her head, and Genma-san muttered something that sounded like « for fuck’s sake Kakashi ». 

« You’re aware of your strengths and weaknesses, but you’ve probably got some low self esteem issues going on. You’re training hard but since you don’t have any guidance, it’s not as effective as it could be. You don’t trust your team, as you feel like they don’t trust or rely on you. Which, to be fair and from what you’ve told me, might very well be the case. You need someone who can help with your training, correcting your moves and giving you some general directions. Otherwise, your efforts won’t pay up. » 

Well, Genma was blunt. He wasn’t mean about it, and Sakura appreciated that he didn’t try to sugarcoat things. Finally, someone was talking to her seriously. 

Genma sighed and rubbed his face.

« This will probably bite me in the ass later, but I could help if you want, » he said. 

Sakura stared at him, shocked by the proposition. He looked away, and was about to say something, probably retract the offer she thought, but Sakura spoke before he could.

« Yes. Please, Genma-san »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter... Anko will appear for a bit! I can't wait to have more Anko & Sakura interactions, but unfortunately, that will have to wait ;w;   
> Also, anything mental health-related here comes from my own experience, but I'm not a professional and I don't know much about psychology lol. I hope Sakura's reactions and experience make sense to yall
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackmo0nie)   
>  [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)   
>  [cc](https://curiouscat.me/blackmo0nie)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura starts training with Genma and finds out more about her sensei.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's the biggest storm outside! And I'm moving countries tomorrow... I don't know how I feel about going back ;( and having to take the plane with the pandemic isn't something I want to do, but it's not like I have a choice ;w; 
> 
> Anyway! Here's another chapter! It's mostly fluff, but don't get too used to it ahh. I hope you'll enjoy it 
> 
> Also, I guess I should mention that English isn't my first language, so sorry if there are any mistakes!

Genma told her to meet at 10 pm on training ground 42. Sakura arrived at 9 pm, her anxiety alive and roaring in her belly. He’d said he wanted to see what she could do. 

She settled on the ground, deciding on practising her sensing ability while waiting for the tokujo. She slumped as she considered the lack of progress she’d made in the area. 

In the past weeks, she’d read a fair bit on chakra sensing at the library. Unfortunately, there weren’t many books about it in the genin section. Most shinobi could sense chakra users close to them, and some could send a pulse of chakra around, and, the same way radar worked, the chakra that got back to them would inform them of what was around them.

The problem was, that was not how Sakura’s sensing ability worked. It was more like tuning in to a radio and listening to the natural energy station, on a rather wide range. She couldn’t find anything that described what she did. It was as thrilling as it was frustrating. 

So she decided to experiment. If she channelled her own chakra while doing her sensing, maybe then she would be able to sharpen her senses to attune to more than natural energy only?

The effect was instantaneous and she immediately lost her focus. Something had been wrong, very wrong, and it scared her. She rubbed her temples, as a headache was starting to form there. 

It was like everything had been blurry before, and by channeling her own chakra, reality had come into focus at once. It had been too much at once, and she had been incapable of maintaining it. 

But it wasn’t just that, she had also felt incredibly unbalanced, as if maintaining the state could have seriously hurt her, as if her body had rejected what she’d tried to do. 

She decided she wouldn’t try that again before she found some information on the technique she was trying to do. Creating your own jutsu could be dangerous, and she didn’t want to accidentally damage her chakra pathways. She opted for some simple chakra meditation while waiting for Genma. She set up an alarm for 09:55 pm beforehand, she knew she had no situation awareness when she was meditating. 

She snapped back to awareness to the obnoxious sound of her alarm, and jerked backward when she was greeted by a crouched Genma who was too close to her for her own liking. 

« Hi squirrel! Welcome back to the land of the living, » Genma said, raising a hand in hello. 

She frowned and sticking her tongue out at him. 

She remembered herself a bit late. The man was taking time to train with her! _Be polite!_

« Thank you for taking the time to train me, Genma-san » she said with an awkward bow. She was still sat on the ground after all. 

Genma smirked and held a hand to help her up. She accepted it, forcing herself not to react to the contact. 

She was touch-starved and not okay and it wasn’t a good mix. Part of her wanted to flinch and jerk her hand away, part of her wanted to never let go. 

She dropped his hand, _don’t make this weird, dammit!_

Genma turned his back to her, and gestured at her to follow. They stopped in the middle of the training ground, and Genma turned to face her. 

He wasn’t smiling anymore, but he didn’t look unhappy. He assumed a fighting stance.

« Fight me with all you’ve got, taijutsu only. I’ll only do defensive, but don’t hold back. OK? »

Sakura nodded. He gave the go, and she rushed towards him before she could second guess herself. 

For a genin, she was fast alright, Genma mused. Not with her punches, but she was fast on her feet and had a good balance. She was only using Academy-taught kata, which were predictable and didn’t work well for her. She lacked strength as well. She huffed but didn’t get discouraged when he blocked all her punches easily. 

After one punch, though, he evaded instead of blocking, and she lost her balance, falling hard on the ground. She stayed like that for a minute, catching her breath. Genma said nothing. If she was already willing to give up, then he wouldn’t teach her. He didn’t have time to waste on an unmotivated child. 

He was glad when she got back up, but the grin that stretched her face reminded him too much of Anko to not be slightly disturbing. 

After that, she started fighting with dirtier moves. She still used the Fallen Leaf style, but when they were blocked or evaded, she used her flexibility and agility to spin around and try to kick some more. It wasn’t gracious or very effective, but it worked better for her. 

He made her fall down on the ground again, and this time she got back up immediately, hands up in an offensive stance. She suddenly darted forward, another predictable hook with her right arm that he blocked easily. She threw dirt in his eyes with her other hand. Genma grunted and closed his eyes. He felt her next blow coming and blocked it. She grabbed him by the scalp and yanked forward. He blocked the knee that rose to connect with his jaw. Her hand tightened on his scalp, and then she did something he hadn’t expected.

She head-butted him. Hard. 

Then she fell on her back, out of breath, her hands pressing on her forehead where their heads had connected.

« What?! What’s wrong with you, kid! » Genma whined. He pressed a hand to his own head. Fuck, it did hurt. 

He considered her collapsed form on the ground. Her kata had been clean, but the Fallen Leaf style really wasn’t working for her. She was determined though. He’d teach her what he could.

Sakura was trying to regain her breath. She was sweating, way more so than what she’d become accustomed to with her usual training. Genma had blocked all her punches except for that last one, but she felt giddy from the fight. Adrenaline was still pumping in her veins and it felt good. 

She forced herself to sit up. Genma was looking at her with a pensive expression. Oh, right. This was probably just a one time thing, he’d give her advice and that would be it. She couldn’t let herself hope for more; he’d said he’d helped, but he hadn’t specified _how_ and for _how long_. 

He handed her a water bottle, an ice pack for her head and a protein bar. 

« That last move was a bit stupid, kid. It’s good to give your everything in a fight, but it’s best if you can still stand afterwards. Other than that, you’re way too predictable. You need a new taijutsu style, the Fallen Leaf is not a good match with you. You should find one that takes advantage of your speed and flexibility. » 

She nodded to his words.

« Do you still have some energy? »

She nodded again. She wasn’t _that_ tired yet. As long as she hadn’t collapsed, she could still fight, right?

« I want to see your kenjutsu. Show me what you’ve got, » he said.

Sakura finished her protein bar and unsealed her training wakizashi. She grabbed a kunai from her weapon pouch as well. She still was used to holding two blades, so it’d have to do. 

Genma unsealed a wooden katana and gave the go. 

The kenjutsu spar had been marginally less uneven than the taijutsu one, but Sakura still felt their difference in level cruelly. With a wakizashi and a kunai, she felt unbalanced. But she wasn’t a samurai, and she wasn’t the Green Spirit anymore. She was Sakura, a 12-year-old shinobi of the Leaf, and she had to act like it. 

Genma crushed her completely and thoroughly, to the point where she couldn’t hold her wakizashi anymore. He sealed his wooden blade away and bowed to her. She bowed back, and let herself fall on her butt. Genma sat down next to her and handed her another protein bar. She tried to pace herself and not put everything in her mouth at once, but she was hungry. 

« How long have you been practising the wakizashi? » Genma asked after a while. 

Sakura swallowed around the last of her protein bar. « I started yesterday, » she answered grumpily. She was looking forward to Sabi’s next lesson. Learning how to handle this new blade was frustrating as it felt like she was starting from scratch again, but she was nothing if not determined.

« And before that? » Genma pushed.

She looked at him blankly. « I don’t understand, Genma-san. » 

« Ah, come on, don’t give me that shit. You clearly know how to wield a sword, it just feels like you don’t know how to wield _this_ sword yet. » 

She blanched at his words. There was no way he knew about the Green Spirit, though. Could she trust him with the truth of her sabres? Was the Green Spirit known outside of Akasen? 

Her throat was parched, her hands clammy with cold sweat. He was looking at her critically. 

« I… had two twin sabres before that. But I can’t use them anymore, » she said quietly. 

Her heart was pounding in her chest. Would he push for more? Ask her where she’d learnt, why she’d stopped? Genma remained silent beside her.

« A wakizashi is a good choice, » he said at last, « especially if you can manage to do your ninjutsu with only one hand. You’ll have to work on that, but if your chakra control really is good, I guess it won’t be too much of a problem for you. »

The way he said that… Sakura knew a rebuttal when she heard one. He had given her pointers, and that was it. She forced herself not to be too disappointed. She got to her feet and bowed. 

« Thank you for your help today, Genma-san. I won’t bother you any longer. » 

She turned around and started walking away, she didn’t want him to see the tears that were gathering in her eyes. 

« Hey, wait up, squirrel! Where do you think you’re going? » 

She turned to face him, confused. « I’m sorry, Genma-san, I thought you were done…? » 

« Nah, you got this wrong, kid. I’m telling you you’ll have to work on it, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. I’ll teach you. Not the kenjutsu, ‘cause that’s really not my strong suit, but I guess I can help you with stealth and taijutsu. » 

Sakura couldn’t believe it. Treacherous tears escaped her eyes. She tackled Genma in a hug.

« Thank you, Genma-san, » she said earnestly. 

« Ah, calm down squirrel, it’s OK, » he said awkwardly. That made Sakura laugh. Grown-up shinobi tended to panic when faced with emotions, more so with tears. 

She rubbed her eyes and yawned. 

« You said earlier you didn’t have a home… » He started awkwardly, « you can crash at mine for the night if you want. » 

That single sentence made Sakura freeze. She thought about the cold showers she’d suffered through the last few weeks. She thought about the hard concrete on which she slept. The mosquito bites, the coldness in the mornings, the stress of getting caught… 

Slowly, she shook her head. She couldn’t trust him like that, not yet. She couldn’t. Her parents had rejected her. Kakashi-sensei didn’t care about her. In the end, adults had done nothing but fail her. Genma might be nice to her, but she couldn’t just trust him not to betray her after knowing him for only a day.

« I’m alright, Genma-san. Thank you. » 

Genma eyed her, something sad in his eyes, but he just ruffled her head. 

« It’s an open invitation. You can come anytime, OK? » 

He took a bit of paper and hastily wrote down his address on it. 

« There you go. If you need anything, someone to talk to, a place to sleep, a training partner, someone to beat bad people up for you, anything really, you can ask me and I’ll do my best. »

He waited for her to nod before he went on. 

« As for training, how about meeting in the evening? We could train from 9 pm to 11 pm, when I don’t have missions » he said. 

Sabi expected her from 6 pm to 8 pm for cleaning and wakizashi practice. She could have dinner on the way to the Ronin district, then she’d have a bit of time to rest between her kenjutsu training and meeting up with Genma. Besides, the D-rank missions weren’t as tiring as they used to be, now that she was working on her stamina. 

She agreed and thanked him, then he was gone. 

She let out a shaky breath once she was alone.

She’d be alright. 

Genma was chewing on his senbon, debating whether or not he should try and talk to Kakashi. He was sat on a stool in his favourite bar with a glass of cheap whiskey, muling over the situation.

That Sakura brat was growing on him, unfortunately, and he couldn’t ignore the conditions in which she lived. Or, rather, the fact that she didn’t live anywhere. The rainy season was about to start, and he couldn’t help but worry about the pink-haired squirrel. Camping outside in the rain wouldn’t be nice, he doubted she even had a tent. 

They’d been training together most evenings for two weeks now, and she was slowly opening up to him. It was a slow process, and Genma wasn’t sure he wanted to know what had made her so distrustful. He didn’t know why she lived on the streets, he actually didn’t know much about her personal life. 

But he was getting to know her. Sakura was hard-working, stubborn to a fault, crazy smart. She had an impressive chakra control, as he’d got to know while they’d been working on water walking. She wasn’t nice, but she wasn’t mean in any way. She was more mature than most kids her age, and she was traumatised. He hadn’t forgotten how they’d met, although she hadn’t had another episode so far. 

She had potential. She didn’t know what she wanted to specialise in, but Genma had some ideas. He’d bring them up soon enough. 

But first, that kid needed a place to sleep. And she needed a sensei who didn’t ignore her. How to breach the subject with Kakashi, Genma didn’t know though.

Genma was interrupted in his thoughts by a loud, obnoxious voice.

« Shiranui, you fucker! It’s been forever! » Anko’s voice boomed beside him. 

« Anko, » he said with a sigh, « you saw me at T&I a couple hours ago. »

Anko smiled dangerously at him, but Genma had grown accustomed to her antics, after years working together. She sat down next to him and ordered a drink.

« What’s got your pants in a twist? » She asked, her smile still on place. She had the decency to at least lower her voice to an appropriate level.

« Do you know Sakura? One of Kakashi’s brats. Short pink hair, green eyes? » He asked. Anko might be unstable, but he valued her opinion. 

Anko shrugged, unbothered, and she was anything but. Genma knew Anko, knew her tells, and Anko knew that he knew. He didn’t say anything though, because Genma was never one to push and Anko knew as much.

« I’ve heard of her, » was all Anko said. 

« It doesn’t matter if you know her or not, » _I don’t care about whatever you’re hiding._

« Alright, tell me about your problem. Although messing around with a child is a bit low, even for you, Shiranui » _You better not be fucking with Sakura or I’ll murder you, and I’ll take my sweet time doing it._

« Geez, it’s nothing like that, » he drawled around his senbon, « I’m just worried about her. » 

Anko’s eyes snapped to his. He had her full attention.

« I’ve been training her for the last couple of weeks. She’s got potential, but from what she’s telling me, Kakashi doesn’t really care about her. He hasn’t taught her a single thing except from tree walking, » he said uneasily. He didn’t want to throw Kakashi under the bus, the two were friends of sorts, but from what Sakura had told him, he was being a shit sensei.

« And it’s not just that. Her parents are out of the picture, and she’s been camping on rooftops and training grounds for the past month. »

Anko’s apparent calmness beside him was far more unsettling than the temper he was used to from her. He sighed.

« I want to talk to Kakashi about this, but I don’t want to overstep. It’s not my place to tell him how to train his genin, and Sakura barely trusts me as it is. So I’m not sure she’d like me telling him she’s homeless. But I can’t just do nothing. She might be a shinobi, but living in the streets like that isn’t safe for anyone. » 

Anko was still silent, but she looked pensive as well. She downed her drink, and turned to face Genma.

« My first thought would be to find Kakashi and to punch some fucking sense into him, » she said, baring her teeth. « But it’s probably not the best for the kid. Like you said, he’s still her sensei. » 

« Do you know what her schedule is? » She asked. 

« Her days are pretty packed. Early morning, meditation and reading. Morning, physical conditioning with her team. Then, lunch. Early afternoon, Kakashi sets the two other genin to spar, and she usually works on her sensing, on chakra control, or kenjutsu if Kakashi really isn’t paying attention. Afternoon, D-rank missions. Late afternoon, she works for a sword manufacturer in the Ronin District, who teaches her a bit of kenjutsu every now and then too. Evening, she trains with me. She’s got one off day a week, which she spends working in the Ronin District too. » 

« She can’t keep that up for too long, » Anko observed.

« No, especially since it looks like she’s not sleeping well, » Genma agreed. « I’ve told her she could come crash at mine anytime if she wanted to, but she hasn’t taken me up on that offer yet. I don’t mind her living with me, if it means she’s got a place to stay. » 

« The rainy season is gonna start soon, » Anko said. « Convince her to stay at yours. And tell her you’ve got someone else who’s willing to teach her. » 

Genma choked on his spit. « You’re gonna train her?! » 

Anko smiled, then, and this time it did send shivers through Genma’s spine. 

« If she lives at yours, then she doesn’t have to work in the Ronin district everyday, right? I’ll use that time to train her in poisons and kenjutsu, if she’s willing. Only after the chuunin exam, though, I’m busy as hell right now. »

Genma hadn’t expected that. He didn’t know what interest Anko had in Sakura, but he trusted Anko enough not to completely mess up a genin. Most people thought she was just plain insane, but he knew better. 

So he nodded, then went on. « We should probably tell Kakashi we’re training her student, though. » 

Anko gritted her teeth. « If that fucker isn’t training her properly, then he doesn’t deserve to know jack shit about her, » she said harshly. 

« Yeah, but she’s the one who could get shit for it. I’ll at least talk to her about it. »

Anko shrugged unhappily, then got up, putting a couple of bills on the counter. 

« Let me know when I can meet her, » she said and then she was gone. 

Genma sighed and paid for his drink as well.

« Fucking hell, » Sakura groaned, making Genma chuckle beside her. They’d been training for an hour or so, and Sakura was _done_. She was tired and drenched in sweat and rain and she had had the shittiest day. 

Their D-rank mission of the day had been to retrieve Tora, and, with the rain, her constant exhaustion and her team’s complete lack of teamwork, it had been enough to put her in her in a sour mood and to finish exhausting her. 

She just wanted to crawl in a bed and sleep for preferably a day or two. She sat down in the mud, her bottom slowly but surely getting soaked. She was too tired to care. 

At least, tomorrow was her day off, and Sabi only expected her at 11 am. All she had left to do was find a dry enough place to spend the night, and then she’d spend the morning lazing around in the nice, comfortable armchairs of the public library.

« OK, that’s it for today, squirrel, » Genma said, handing her a protein bar. That man probably bought them in bulk, he gave one to Sakura after each of their training sessions. 

« Are your meals balanced enough? You look like you’re not getting enough calories, » he said. 

« Eh, sometimes I forget to eat, » she admitted. « I’m busy with training and everything, you know, » she said with a small smirk. Yet she still managed to put on weight. Her diet had been so fucked up before Wave, she thought with a grimace.

Genma-san laughed. « Don’t pull a Kakashi on me, squirrel. » 

« What do you mean? » She was intrigued now. 

Genma scratched his head. « Well, when he was a genin and then a chuunin, your sensei spent all his time training, oftentimes skipping meals. He was so small, it was ridiculous. And after that, he was known for always completing his missions, but more often than not he’d come back with chakra exhaustion. That’s what you get when you forget to eat and only live on ration bars for too long. Your body has a harder time producing chakra, and then you exhaust yourself, » he said sagely. 

Sakura laughed. She hadn’t expected to have any similarities with her sensei, yet here she was. 

« Say, Genma-san, do you know my sensei’s specialisation? » She’d meant to ask the day she’d met Genma, but she hadn’t. 

Genma-san played with the senbon in his mouth. « Well, most of his file is classified. I can tell you that he’s very versatile, I’m not sure it would be fair to his skills to say he has a specialisation at all. He’s one of our best trackers, thanks to his ninken. He’s a good leader, and a good strategist. He’s a strong offensive force, a proficient assassin, and he can conduct intelligence operations with no trouble. » Genma sighed then. « Honestly, I would say it’s unfair to be so versatile but like I said, he trained his ass off to get to where he is now, prodigy or not. » 

Sakura started munching on her protein bar, lost in thought. So her sensei was good, better than that even. It made her all the more bitter that he wouldn’t teach them anything, and she wondered why he was a sensei at all. He didn’t seem to enjoy it very much. Maybe he hadn’t been given a choice, she thought. That would make sense. 

She also made a new resolution. From now on, she would observe Kakashi-sensei, pay close attention to everything he did, and replicate it. If he was that strong, whatever he did at all time must be the result of some training! She smirked to herself. She would learn from Kakashi-sensei, whether he was willing to teach her or not. She was still angry at him for ignoring her, but she couldn’t let that get in the way of her improvements as a ninja. 

« And what’s your specialisation then, Genma-san? » She asked after a beat. 

« I was in the Yondaime guard platoon. Nowadays, I mostly do assassination and intelligence missions. » 

That impressed her. That Genma had accepted to train with her, when he had been in such an elite squad… She felt all the more grateful. 

But it also made her think. Maybe she could specialise as an assassin as well? She’d never thought about it, but it made sense, considering her profile and the area in which she wanted to improve. She felt like there was something wrong with the idea, but she couldn’t put her finger on it.

« When I’m not on missions outside the village, » Genma continued, « I work at T&I. »

« T&I? » She really needed to pay more attention to the different branches and specialisations in the village, Sakura thought mournfully.

« Torture and Interrogation, » Genma said with an awkward smile.

Genma didn’t let her reflect on that statement, as he went on. « Say, squirrel, with all this rain… » He stopped, playing with the senbon he had in his mouth and frowning at the same time.

He sighed, then, and looked away. « Would you reassure an old man and stay at my place? You’d be doing me a favour, really. That way I don’t have to worry about finding a drowned, pink squirrel tomorrow morning. » 

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She knew Genma was nice to her, but this… Did he actually care about her? She wanted to ask, but she didn’t dare voice her thoughts. She feared the answer. 

Something must have shown on her face, though, because Genma crouched to be at her height.

« What is it, squirrel? You know you can tell me anything, right? You don’t have to stay at mine, just know the offer stands. » 

Sakura worried her lower lip with her teeth. Oh, fuck it, she thought. 

« Do you actually care about me, Genma-san? »

Something sad and shocked flashed in Genma’s eyes for a second, but he concealed it quickly with a soft smile. « Of course I do, squirrel. Do you think I would train in this hell of a rain if I didn’t? »

Sakura really, really wanted to cry. And to take a warm shower. And to sleep on a nice, comfortable futon. Maybe it’d be alright to trust Genma a little, he hadn’t let her down for now.

« Thank you, Genma-san… I think I’d like to stay at yours tonight if it’s not too much trouble. » 

Genma smiled at her and held his hand in front of her as an offer to help her up. Genma had understood that, outside of spars, Sakura didn’t like to be touched when she wasn’t the one initiating contact, and Sakura was immensely grateful for it. He asked her if he could carry her so that they could go faster, and she agreed.

Genma’s apartment was in a building close to Anko’s. The apartment was much bigger than Anko’s had been, with a living room and an open kitchen, a single bedroom, and a bathroom. Genma eased her down so that she could take off her shoes.

« Alright, squirrel. Go shower first, you’re literally covered in mud. Do you need to wash your clothes? »

Sakura nodded. All her clothes were dirty.

« I’ll lend you some clean clothes, if you want. I’ll show you how the washing machine works, come on. » 

Dinner was a short affair of mackerel, rice with sesame seeds, and pickled vegetables. Sakura wanted to cry, no one had cooked for her in years. After dinner, Genma took out a futon for her, and asked where she’d rather sleep. She answered his room, if he didn’t mind, because she didn’t want to be alone and she trusted him. They set up the futon beside his bed.

« Genma-san, » she said, when they were about to go to bed. Her tone was serious, and the other gave her all his attention.

She swallowed around the lump in her throat and continued. « Thank you for everything. » 

She looked up at Genma, and saw the soft expression on his face. She lunged forward and hugged him. She couldn’t help the tears that ran down her face, she was so tired and alone and Genma was taking care of her…

« It’s Genma for you, kid. » Genma said, rubbing her back in a soothing manner. She didn’t remember falling asleep, but she felt warm and comfortable, and didn’t worry for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo Sakura is doing alright! But she also hasn't been in any really stressful situations... ;( so yeah


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genma and Kakashi talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! i didn't mean to not update last week, but I was in a place with barely enough reception to send a text, so...   
> I'll answer all your comments very soon! Thanks so much for commenting on my fic, it means so, so much <3
> 
> On another note, we see a lot of Kakashi this chapter! Kakashi being an asshole and Kakashi panicking and Kakashi trying to be less of an asshole... Well at least he's trying, yeah?
> 
> This chapter is a bit slow imo, but the chuunin exam arc starts next chapter ahhh. Please look forward to that!

« Maa, Genma, do you need something? » Kakashi drawled. 

The tokujo had been following him for the past couple of days, and each time he’d got too close, Kakashi had managed to disappear right before Genma got to him. It’d been fun – for Kakashi at least. 

Kakashi turned around to face the older man, who had a calculating look in his eyes. Kakashi didn’t like it when people looked at him like that; it usually meant they wanted something from him. 

« Yeah. Can we talk? » Genma answered, his voice betraying nothing. 

Kakashi sighed internally. He wanted to say no, he really did. But the cat and mouse game had lasted long enough. Surely, a conversation wouldn’t hurt much, especially since Genma was something of a friendly acquaintance.

Kakashi nodded, and they sat on a bench protected from the unforgiving rain by a large tree. Genma had stopped him near a park, and there was no one around. He hadn’t said the topic was sensitive, so Kakashi reckoned they could discuss it here. 

« It’s about one of your students, » Genma started. Kakashi’s mind immediately went to Naruto. He was the most likely one to get in trouble. But the other man didn’t look too angry, if anything he looked worried. Maybe it was Sasuke, then. The Uchiha was a mess, Kakashi knew as much. 

« Which one? » Kakashi asked eventually. He was getting tired of this conversation already.

Genma sighed. « Alright, there’s no nice way to say this. Did you know Sakura was homeless? » 

Dread settled uneasily in Kakashi’s stomach. He did know her parents had left her alone in Konoha, but he had thought she was staying at one of her friends’. He hadn’t made sure she was, but she had said she didn’t need any help.

Kakashi didn’t want to answer Genma. He didn’t owe the other man anything. Yet he felt the need to justify himself, because this sounded bad.

« I know her parents moved out of Konoha. I thought she was staying with a friend, » Kakashi said eventually. 

His voice didn’t sound weak, Kakashi had too much control of himself for that. The excuse, however, was weak, and he winced internally. Truth be told, he’d hadn’t thought much about his student’s living conditions after confronting her about it. She hadn’t said anything, hadn’t once asked for his help, so he had thought that had been it. 

Obviously he’d been wrong. 

« You said ‘was’. So she did find a place to stay, then. » He added.

He risked a look at Genma, and the other man looked murderous. 

« Did you know, » Genma asked icily, « that your student is traumatised, that she has trouble sleeping, and that she probably suffers from PTSD? » 

Kakashi did not, and found it hard to believe. She was probably staying at Genma’s, for him to recognise the symptoms. He did know Sakura though, and he knew civilians and their lifestyle. Nothing from her life before she became a genin could have traumatised her like that, and her file hadn’t said anything about it either. 

« She should see a Yamanaka, then. Although, if our mission in Wave traumatised her this badly, she probably isn’t fit for the life of a shinobi, » Kakashi said mildly. 

Genma didn’t answer. He visibly calmed himself, and Kakashi wondered why he cared so much. Sakura was nice, although she’d been behaving weirdly lately. Kakashi did care about her somehow, as she was one of his students. But he didn’t have high hopes; she couldn’t compare to Naruto or Sasuke – and she wasn’t supposed to. She didn’t have Naruto’s chakra reserves, she didn’t have Sasuke’s clan training or a kekkai genkei. She had been trying harder, but she’d never make it far. She was still weak, a girl more than a kunoichi.

Genma got up, and his eyes were cold when they landed on Kakashi.

« You’ve got a good kid there Kakashi. If you don’t fix this… If you don’t even try, then remember this. Sakura will become a brilliant shinobi. You should probably already be aware of that, but she’s smart, she learns fast, she’s incredibly agile and fast on her feet. She’s been improving greatly in taijutsu, her kenjutsu will be chuunin-level in no time, and she’s got great chakra control. And she pushes herself hard everyday to get better. When everyone else starts seeing this, don’t take any pride in her success. Because honestly? It won’t be thanks to you, but despite you that she makes it. » 

Kakashi got up as well and he eyed the other with his own cold gaze. His voice was somehow even colder « I think we’re done with this conversation, Shiranui. I’m glad Sakura has someone in her life who’s so willing to take her defence, but I’m her sensei. I have authority over her training, and I won’t tolerate you talking to me like this a second time. Are we clear? » 

In his defence, Genma didn’t flinch. He met Kakashi’s cold glare. « I’m sorry I overstepped. It was not my intention to be disrespectful. » 

With that, he took his leave. Kakashi stayed there for a minute before he shunshined to his apartment. 

Genma hadn’t apologised for his words, not really. The feeling of unease that had settled during their talk wouldn’t leave Kakashi. Once home, he slumped against his closed door and he didn’t move for a long time.

He’d fucked up again. 

He kept fucking up. 

He couldn’t get attached to his genin, he couldn’t care about them, he just couldn’t. He’d fuck them up, they’d die like everyone else around him, and then he’d be alone again. 

Not that he deserved better than that, but still. He’d rather keep them all at arm length, do some damage control when needed, and otherwise let them do their own thing.

Except he had to make a decision, now, because Genma had come to him and pushed an issue that he couldn’t just pretend didn’t exist. 

He closed his eye, and pressed the back of his hand against his forehead. He could barely breathe, the knot in his chest wouldn’t let him. The precarious stability he’d built for himself was slipping through his fingers once more. It was too much for him to handle, he wasn’t enough, he’d failed again, he was a failure, he… 

Kakashi pushed away from the door as he cut himself in his spiralling thoughts. He’d have a breakdown later. For now, he needed to decide what to do. He summoned his Pack. 

« Hey Boss, » Pakkun said.

Kakashi sat down with his ninken and spent a long time petting them and relaxing. He felt slightly hysterical now, but his Pack’s presence eased his turmoil. 

His Pack had always been there for him. After he’d lost everyone he’d ever truly cared about, when he’d been all alone and despised by the village and denied therapy as the son of a pariah, his bond with his ninken had been one of the only things keeping him marginally sane. 

« I messed up, » he said eventually. He started telling them everything.

First, there was the whole homelessness thing. Why hadn’t Sakura said anything? He was her superior, she should have told him something like that. 

But if he was being honest with himself, his leadership had been severely lacking. As an ANBU captain, he’d been good, if a bit detached. But genin? He didn’t know what to do or make of them. 

And when he’d asked other people, after being forced out of ANBU, they’d only said he’d get it some day. He had not, and he still had no idea how to train or deal with genin. 

Selfishly, he wished Genma hadn’t told him anything. With Sakura’s non-answers during their last conversation, he’d been able to ignore the problem easily. She’d said she didn’t need his help, so that’d been it. Now, he had to do something. And he would, because he might not want to care about his genin, but they were still his responsibility. 

And then there was the rest of what Genma had said. Surely, his assessment of Sakura couldn’t be that wrong, could it? 

It was not like he wanted to teach the three genin anyways. The Sandaime had put him in this situation, even when Kakashi had assured him he wasn’t fit to teach students that were more children than ninja. He knew why he had been appointed this team – between Sasuke and his clan’s doujutsu and Naruto and the Kyuubi, he was the one whose profile was best fit for them. 

He had almost felt bad when he’d seen the team appointments. A civilian girl like Sakura was just here to fill in a gap. 

And now she’d caught someone else’s attention. 

Team 7 might not be Pack, but they were still his. The Sandaime had appointed him the three genin, and it was his role to teach them and keep them alive until they could do so by themselves. No matter how little he wanted to fill that role.

He was conflicted. On the one hand, he really didn’t want to teach them. They didn’t know how to do anything, he had no idea where he’d start. Their dynamic was awful and he wasn’t sure he could fix it. And that was without taking into account his mental instability – especially considering his three genin weren’t the paragon of mental health either. Besides, teaching them meant getting involved and attached and that was just not going to happen. 

On the other hand… They were his, for now. They were his responsibility. 

He explained all this to his ninken, and waited for their reaction. 

« Do you want them to be Pack, Boss? » Pakkun asked when Kakashi closed his eye and didn’t move for too long. 

Pakkun knew him well. He knew Kakashi couldn’t, wouldn’t let himself get attached. So the ninken wasn’t surprised when he shook his head. 

« It might happen whether you’re ready for it or not, » Pakkun said. Kakashi was well aware of that, and he hated it. 

He sighed. He’d ask Gai for advice on how to deal with his team. If there was one person who might answer him, it was his self-proclaimed Eternal Rival. At the very least, he’d make sure they’d survive and make it to chuunin. 

With that thought, he finally let panic and self-loathing and guilt swallow him as he lied down on his futon for long hours, lost to the world. 

_I’m going to be in so much trouble_ , Sakura couldn’t help but think. 

Sasuke was on the ground, in front of her, his eyes wide open in shock and his nose bleeding freely. 

_Ino-pig will kill me if I broke his nose_ , she thought mournfully, eyeing the bloody mess that was already swelling. 

For once, Naruto didn’t have anything to say. Sakura was getting increasingly uncomfortable. She looked at Kakashi-sensei, desperately asking him with her eyes to say something. Anything.

Kakashi-sensei seemed to recover when he met her eyes, and he broke the silence with a choked chuckle. 

« Well done, Sakura-chan. Sasuke-kun, this is a lesson for you to remember never to underestimate your opponent, » he said with his signature nonchalant cheer. If it was more forced than usual, no one commented on it.

His voice broke the spell. Sasuke jumped back to his feet, glaring at Sakura with all his might. The latter would have apologised, maybe even cried, had she not gotten over her crush. She still felt panicked, but she pushed the feeling down when she saw the hard look Sasuke was giving her. Instead, she smirked at him. 

« Good fight, Sasuke, » she said in a sweet tone that was so fake even Naruto cringed. She couldn’t back down now, not when she’d punched him in the nose, or it’d undermine her achievement. 

Sasuke looked like he was seconds away from going for her throat. 

« Alright, alright, let’s get Sasuke-kun to the hospital to have his nose checked up! » Kakashi-sensei said cheerfully, putting himself between the two genin. Sakura crossed her arms and huffed. Sasuke had started this. 

Training that day had gone like every other day ever since Kakashi-sensei had started training them more seriously, about a week ago. He was almost on time now… If being late by only an hour or two could count as « almost on time ». Well, it was an improvement in any case. Sakura wasn’t sure what had prompted the Change, but they’d all welcomed it gratefully. 

For the past week, it had been physical conditioning first, then team and strategy exercises – they sucked at those. Today had been the first time they’d had spars again after the Change. Kakashi-sensei, who was maybe finally starting to feel guilty after leaving Sakura out for weeks, had told them they’d start with Sakura versus Sasuke, taijutsu only. 

If Sakura hadn’t spent the last weeks training with Genma, trying to find a style that fit her, she wouldn’t have stood a chance. But Genma was a competent teacher, and he was merciless. He would explain and show her things as many times as needed, but he expected her to have a decent understand of each new move in three days at most. Sakura had also improved a lot in dodging, since he had found that not completely holding back was the best way to motivate her to move faster. 

At first, Sakura had mostly dodged and blocked Sasuke’s blows. She wanted to make him angry. It was something she’d learnt from observing her team: angry opponents tended to not think straight. She’d seen Sasuke anger Naruto on purpose, just to see him make stupid mistakes and be easily defeated. 

Her dodging had soon got on the other boy’s nerves, and he’d grown more and more frustrated, taunting her with increasingly vicious words. 

And while Sakura had changed a lot, she _had_ , she was still very much short-tempered. 

So when Sasuke had told her she was nothing but a pampered civilian-born girl who couldn’t even punch him because she was too weak for that, she had snapped and decided the time had come for a surprise punch. She’d evaded his last move, had pretended to retreat by taking a few steps back. She’d then armed her arm for a hook, had pushed forward at maximum speed with chakra-enhanced muscles, and had punched the asshole in the face without him even seeing her come. 

At least, she’d had the decency not to put any chakra in her arm, her strength had only come from her inertia and speed. 

Still, Sasuke had flied, the hook catching him first in the cheekbone. It had been quite the satisfying sight. 

Now they were in the ER waiting room, as Sasuke was getting examined, and Sakura felt slightly hysterical when Kakashi-sensei eye-smiled at her. 

« Sakura-chan, » Kakashi-sensei said, « come with me. » 

Sakura wanted to cry a little, but also, why should she be in trouble? Naruto and Sasuke beat each other up all the time, and Kakashi-sensei never said anything to them.

Alright, maybe he did, but she didn’t want to hear his little sermon on sparring and injuring your teammates. Still, she followed him. The sooner this was all done, the sooner she could go see Sabi in the Ronin district. Sabi had told her she would teach her new kata the next time she’d come by – which had happened much less in the last weeks as she’d slept several times at Genma’s.

Kakashi-sensei took her to a deserted corridor, and turned to face her.

« Are you alright, Sakura-chan? Punching Sasuke-kun like this isn’t like you, » Kakashi-sensei started. 

One sentence in, and Sakura could already feel anger pulsing in her veins. She was still riled up from her fight, one punch hadn’t been quite enough to satiate her. Her sensei was talking like he knew her. He’d never looked at her enough for that to be even remotely true.

« And where did you learn to fight like that anyways? I haven’t seen you train in taijutsu, » he added. 

She tried to breathe in and out slowly, she couldn’t let her temper get the better of her. 

« Did my cute little genin find another sensei? Maa, you’re breaking my heart, » Kakashi-sensei said, wiping a fake tear. 

It was like something snapped in her. Like a dam finally broke after one too many sentences of _bullshit_. Kakashi-sensei’s visible eye twitched as Sakura unconsciously flared her chakra in anger. 

« Kakashi-sensei, » she started sweetly. The grin that stretched her face hurt her cheeks. 

She barely remembered not to yell as she spoke; they were in a hospital after all. « Ever since you’ve been assigned our team, you haven’t given a _single_ shit about me, » she said drily. 

« I’m sorry I hurt Sasuke, but I’m done having EVERYONE underestimate me, especially my own team! » 

Kakashi-sensei wasn’t the only to blame though, and she sighed, putting a hand through her short hair. It was growing back, she would need to trim it soon.

« I know I haven’t always been the best student. I know I lacked motivation or ambition at first. But I’m different now. I’m training hard. I’m doing my best, and I wish you could see that. » 

The fight was leaving her already, and she realised she was truly exhausted. Her body ached all over. Genma had left for a mission yesterday and she hadn’t dared sleep at his place in his absence, even though he’d given her a key. She had barely been able to get any sleep because of that, what with the rain and the changes in temperature through the night. 

She rubbed her eyes tiredly, swearing at herself for her weakness. She was startled by a hand ruffling her hair. She looked up, and found that Kakashi-sensei was looking at her with a conflicted expression in his eye. 

He seemed to make up his mind, and crouched in front of her. 

« How about this, Sakura-chan. You apologise to Sasuke-kun, not for winning your spar, » he said, when she started protesting, « but for hurting him. Then I’ll cook you dinner and we can talk a bit. How does that sound? » 

It sounded too good to be true. She eyed her sensei suspiciously. What would he care now? He had been fine ignoring her for months. She’d even tried to tell him about her situation, and he still hadn’t given a shit about her. 

Still, she nodded resignedly. She couldn’t afford to pass up on free food. 

Kakashi-sensei lived in the same building as Anko, albeit on a different floor. Sakura missed Anko, sometimes she missed her so much it felt like that one time she hadn’t managed to dodge and Genma had punched her in the chest. Like she couldn’t breathe anymore. 

Just a couple more weeks and it’d be fine to see her, she reminded herself.

Kakashi-sensei’s apartment was bigger than Anko’s, but smaller than Genma’s. It was a studio, but unlike Anko he had his own bathroom and a kitchenette. There was a couch and a laid out futon in a corner, a desk and some drawers as well, and a small kotatsu in the middle. The place didn’t have much of a personality, the only thing that really was Kakashi was the book shelf full of Icha Icha books. Sakura frowned and tensed at the sight. She hated perverts.

« Go shower first, » Kakashi-sensei said, « in the meantime I’ll cook dinner. Is there anything you don’t like in terms of food? » He asked with an eye-smile. The whole scene reminded her of her first night at Genma’s, but she was way less comfortable this time. This felt cheap and inauthentic in comparison.

She shook her head, and worried her lower lip with her teeth. 

« Ah… Kakashi-sensei… Would you mind lending me some clothes? » She asked, uncertainty clearly present in her voice. 

She had left her clean clothes at Genma’s, and she didn’t want to put her dirty clothes back on after her shower. Kakashi-sensei blinked at her question, then put on an eye-smile and went to his drawers. 

He wore his eye-smiles like clothes, Sakura couldn’t help but think. He hid his true feelings behind them, like one hid their body in plain sight with bright clothes. 

He retrieved a dark blue, long-sleeved undershirt, and a pair of black jersey shorts.

« Would that do, Sakura-chan? » He asked her with the eye-smile still in place. _Fake, fake, fake_ , her mind screamed. Had he ever truly smiled at her? She didn’t think so. She shuddered. She was suffocating. 

She accepted the clothes awkwardly and went to the bathroom. 

Once behind the closed door, she put her fist in her mouth to muffle a hysterical cry. This was too much, she felt too big for her skin, she wanted to scratch herself raw.

She didn’t distrust her sensei, she didn’t, but she really didn’t – couldn’t – trust him either.

He was a man, much older than her. He was a pervert who read porn. He’d invited her in his apartment, _alone_. 

He was her sensei, too. His role was to guide her and teach her. But he hadn’t done any of that, so far, had he? How could she trust him when he didn’t do the one thing he was supposed to do?

If Kakashi-sensei truly wanted to hurt her, he could do so, whether she stayed away from him or not. 

She was, once more, helpless. She was at his mercy, if he chose to come for her, there was nothing she could do. 

She fell slowly to her butt, the realisation settling in slowly. Burning hot tears were running on her cheeks. She was silent, she’d learnt to despair without making a sound. 

She was so, so weak. Such a weakling.

She put her trembling arms around her middle and closed her eyes. If she spent too much time in the bathroom, Kakashi-sensei would suspect something was wrong.

So Sakura did what she’d always been good at and dissected her feelings, cutting them in pieces that were easy for her to understand. 

She was scared, because she was alone with a man she didn’t trust that much and of whom she was a bit wary. Although, objectively speaking, that fear was probably misplaced. Her sensei had never been inappropriate to her, and if he wanted to do something to her, she wouldn’t be able to stop him anyway. 

She forced the fear down and put it away. It was a useless feeling she didn’t need, especially now. 

She was uncomfortable, too. Her sensei was dishonest, he never showed his true feelings. She could work on that, try and make him more truthful, or not ask him anything. 

And she was sad and lonely. Being with Kakashi-sensei, who wasn’t one of her precious people, reminded her that she couldn’t be with either of the two people she truly cared about. It felt cheap, in comparison, to spend time with someone who didn’t understand her, and had never really tried to. 

These feelings didn’t matter either, though. She had to be stronger. She would see what Kakashi-sensei wanted, then she would leave. Surely, being alone would be less cruel than being with someone who didn’t truly want to spend time with her. 

She got up, wiped her tears and took a few calming breaths. She observed her surroundings to better ground herself in the present.

The bathroom was small and clean, with pink tiles on the walls. It was unexpected and made her smile slightly. She wondered if it was Kakashi-sensei’s choice, or if it’d been here prior to his moving in. 

She got naked and looked at her reflection for the first time in weeks. She hadn’t taken the time at Genma’s, and she’d always rushed whenever she used the communal showers lately. 

She’d had an uncomfortable encounter there, once, and she didn’t want it to happen again. It had been nothing too bad, just running into another homeless woman who’d looked drunk and a bit worse for wear. The woman hadn’t assaulted her or anything, but it had still scared Sakura. Drunk people were unpredictable and she stayed away from them as much as she could.

What she saw in the mirror made her lose her smile. 

She looked like a rabid dog.

Her hair was a mess of uneven bangs. It looked like straw – she only had her cheap, perfume-free soap to wash it. Her skin looked rough, her lips were so chaffed looking at them hurt. Her eyes looked smaller with how sunken they were, hidden behind the concerning shadows beneath them. Crying hadn’t helped.

She examined the rest of her body. At least she’d put on a bit more weight. She had some muscle too, now. The definition wasn’t there but she was still growing, so she shouldn’t put on too much muscle. Her skin was dry and rough and covered with small scratches and bruises and cuts, and she had freckles from the time she’d spent training in the sun before the start of the rainy season.

Ino would cry if she saw her now, she thought with a sad smile. Well, she was doing her best, and crying over how she looked wouldn’t change how weak she still was. She was getting better and stronger, and that was all that mattered.

She stepped in the shower and sighed as warm water hit her body. 

She dried herself and put on Kakashi-sensei’s undershirt, rolling up the sleeves so that her fingers would at least be visible. She then tied the lace inside the shorts to fit her hips, and she cast just one last look at her reflection. She was drowning in her sensei’s clothes, and it made her smile. 

She sealed her dirty clothes and joined Kakashi-sensei in the main room.

« I’m done, sensei. Thank you for the shower and the clothes, » she said with a bow. 

« Maa, don’t mention it Sakura-chan. The food’s almost ready as well. » 

Sakura joined him in the kitchenette, she was curious. She kept a fair distance between them, wary of being too close to the man.

She didn’t know her sensei could cook, and now that she thought about it she wasn’t sure he could. Not that she had any room to judge. Her food was always bland when it wasn’t overcooked, soggy or burnt. 

Meat was sizzling in a pan. In a separate pot, vegetables were simmering happily. She inhaled deeply, she wanted to take the smell with her. Someone was cooking for her, someone was taking their time to make sure she would eat something good. Genma had done the same thing for her, and she’d had a hard time not crying then. 

She wouldn’t cry this time either, she told herself, as her eyes started watering again without her permission. 

When the food was ready, Kakashi-sensei made them settle down at the kotatsu.

The food was succulent. Sakura closed her eyes after her first mouthful, so as to better experience the taste.

« Sensei, it’s delicious, » she said very seriously. Kakashi-sensei eye-smiled but didn’t answer. 

She ate happily, and kept her head down during the meal. Kakashi-sensei was going out of his way to be nice to her, she wasn’t going to intrude and try to see his face. Especially since she was alone with him, she didn’t want to anger him now.

When they were done eating, Sakura sighed contentedly and thanked her sensei again for the food. 

« Maa, I’m glad you enjoyed your old sensei’s food. Now I think we have some things to discuss, don’t we? » 

Sakura sighed, a less content one this time. « What is there to discuss, sensei? »

Kakashi-sensei looked serious, but not unhappy.

« Maa, I’ve had a chat with Genma. I know you’ve been staying at his place, and that he’s now gone on a mission that’s going to take a while. Where have you been staying? » 

Well, that was a bit late for him to worry about that, wasn’t it? She shook her head and settled for a small smile.

« Don’t worry about it, sensei, » was all she said. 

Kakashi-sensei looked at her pensively, then sighed. 

« How have you been, Sakura? Why do you look so tired all the time? What happened? » 

She noticed he’d dropped the -chan. Was it that he was being serious about his questions, that he was taking her seriously, or that he was tired of her evading his questions? She wasn’t sure. Sakura worried her lower lip between her teeth, debating how much she should share. She wanted to talk about her situation to someone, but her sensei had never been there for her before. She couldn’t just trust him like that, especially not after last time.

« Look, sensei, it’s alright. You don’t have to pretend you care or to feel guilty because you think you’re not doing enough for me just because of what Genma told you. I don’t need your help. » 

Sakura knew her sensei hated anything feeling-related, and she assumed he wouldn’t push after her clear dismissal. He was still looking at her, as if he could read her mind. He sighed through his nose and relaxed his posture. 

She went on, because what she’d learnt about her sensei had made her reevaluate his behaviour so far. Her voice sounded cold and detached to her ears.

« I know you’re stuck with us. You said it yourself, we’re the first team you’ve passed. I don’t know why you’re a jounin sensei, but judging from your reputation and your skill level, being stuck with genin must be frustrating as hell. At first I was mad you didn’t care enough to teach us, but I get it now. So you don’t have to pretend anymore. It’s OK if you don’t care. And it’s not like you’ve really cared so far. » 

Kakashi-sensei stared at her, his single eye minutely widened in shock. Sakura wondered if he was shocked that one of his « cute little genin » had seen through him, or if he himself hadn’t realised the extent of his own neglect. Or maybe he hadn’t expected such blunt words from her.

She stood up, ready to leave. « Thank you for the food, sensei. I’m sorry I hurt Sasuke, I’ll be more careful in the future. » 

Kakashi-sensei stopped her with a question. « Do you remember the first thing I taught you, the day you three passed my test? » 

Sakura blinked. « Those who don’t respect the rules are trash, but those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash, » she quoted. 

Kakashi-sensei nodded, satisfied. « You’re staying here tonight, » he said then, getting up and cracking his back. « I understand that you don’t want to talk to me, but I’m still your sensei, » he added, when she made to protest. 

« Now, Sakura, do you remember my ninken? » Kakashi asked with an eye smile that looked close to genuine. 

Kakashi wasn’t sure what his genin’s problems were, but he knew that dogs could only help. Sakura was currently in a pile of them, and she looked more relaxed than he’d seen her in weeks. He’d set up his spare futon next to his own, with a fair distance between the two. He hadn’t had anyone over in ages, and for the first time he regretted not having a larger apartment. 

« Kakashi-sensei, » Sakura said with a content smile, « ninken are the best. »

Kakashi was glad it had worked. He hadn’t realised how little Sakura trusted him, and it had hurt that she’d refused to answer any of his questions. He settled on his futon, and some of his ninken migrated towards him. He let himself relax as well, and they stayed in content silence for a while. 

« I have… nightmares, » Sakura said eventually. « That’s why I always look so tired. » 

« Is it because of what happened in Wave? » He asked calmly, turning his head to look at her. 

She sighed. « Not really, although it didn’t help I guess. I…, » she paused, took a deep breath, and went on. 

« I was attacked three years ago, and I had managed to block the memories so far. Being so fucking _helpless_ in Wave brought them back, » she said, cold anger lacing her words. He blinked at her sudden rage. She’d always been a bit short-tempered, but he’d never seen her display this kind of behaviour before. The swearing was new as well, he noted, before their C-rank turned A-rank mission, she’d never been one to swear at all. 

« It’s a good thing in a way, I needed the reminder that I have to work hard if I want to make it as a shinobi. I can’t afford to be weak anymore. But… » She paused again. She worried her lower lip between her teeth, resolutely not looking at him.

« It’s just that the memories are shitty, so I’ve got nightmares because of them. You probably think I’m weak if I can’t handle that, but I’m doing my best. I’m really stressed out too, ‘cause I have to take care of myself and to find ways to improve and to earn money and I hate how weak I am. » 

Her chin wobbled dangerously. _Oh no_ , Kakashi thought. He didn’t know how to deal with tears. He was not equipped for that. 

« Maa, I don’t think you’re weak for being traumatised or for struggling because you are in a difficult situation, » he said flatly. He was shocked to find he meant what he’d said. He went on. 

« We’re ninja. Most of us are a bit damaged, it’s basically in the job description. Being a good shinobi doesn’t mean you don’t have your share of trauma. It just means you’ve found ways to cope with it. »

« Do you have nightmares too, sensei? » She asked in a small voice.

He could lie to her. At the very least, he should evade the question. He somehow cared about his team, as much as he tried to deny it, but they weren’t Pack. He’d told Pakkun as much, because that was true. His precious people were gone, and he didn’t want to let anyone else in; he couldn’t.

But Sakura… She was looking at him intently. She was just a kid, barely a genin, but her eyes spoke of trauma, of things that kids her age shouldn’t have witnessed or experienced. 

Except she wasn’t a kid. She was a ninja, and, as such, she was an adult. Old enough to kill, old enough to die. And, obviously, old enough to bear trauma. Maybe she was more ninja than child, he reevaluated. 

« _She should see a Yamanaka, then. Although, if our mission in Wave traumatised her this badly, she probably isn’t fit for the life of a shinobi_ , » he’d told Genma. And he’d meant it. If it was too much to handle for her, if she didn’t get better, then she probably shouldn’t be a shinobi. But if anything, she seemed determined to get through this. 

And she didn’t have to do it alone. He couldn’t be there for her, not in a way that truly mattered, but he could help her a bit. 

« Maa, I do have nightmares, » he said, trying for nonchalance but not entirely succeeding. He looked away. « When I wake up after a particularly bad one, I have to wash my hands exactly ten times. But sometimes I’m interrupted in the process or I get distracted and I have to start over again. »

He looked back at her, and she was already looking at him in the eye, her gaze intent. He had her attention. She nodded at him, once, to acknowledge what he’d said. He pretended not to see the tears that had escaped her eyes, and she wiped them with her sleeve.

« Now, do you remember what you told me your dream was, when we first met? » He asked with a eye smile.

She pouted and blushed slightly at the reminder.

« Maa, has your dream changed at all? » He asked, not unkindly. He needed to know where she stood concerning her career. 

She seemed to think about it seriously. « I want to be strong, » she said eventually. There was a spark in her eyes, then. « Like, Bingo Book, Flee-on-Sight kind of strong. Although, I guess it’s best to operate from the shadows. Being referenced in a Bingo Book isn’t exactly a sign of discretion, right? » 

Kakashi stared at her. She’d changed, yes, but he hadn’t appreciated to what extent until now. 

« And why is that that you want to be that strong, » he asked flatly. 

She shrugged, like what she had said was no big deal. « I want to protect what’s mine. And, I guess, I want to prove to myself and to others that I can be strong. Just because I’m civilian-born, » she said, cold fury dancing in her eyes, « doesn’t mean I’m useless. That’s what I want people to know. » 

Well, he could understand her reasons at least. And if she wanted to become dangerous, if she had what it took, maybe he’d help her with that. Although he wasn’t sure he should. He didn’t want her to end up like him. 

« Are you sure that’s what you want, Sakura? If you find the job too difficult, if you change your mind, there’s no turning back, not really. » 

She looked him in the eye. She was 12 years old but the seriousness in her eyes made her look much older. « I’m determined, sensei. I won’t give up. Please take me seriously and take care of me, » she said, with something like hope and vulnerability in her tone. 

Kakashi leaned back. « Maa, no need to be so formal, Sakura. » 

Sakura looked disappointed by his mild answer. He sighed again. « I heard you, pup, » she perked up immediately, and he held a hand up for her to wait, « but don’t forget that we’re a team. If you want me to take you seriously, then you have to take Team 7 seriously as well. » 

She pouted then, and it was adorable. Kakashi eye smiled at her. « Maa, give Team 7 a chance, alright Sakura? »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Sakura obviously still doesn’t trust Kakashi. But she’s just a kid, and she’s desperate for his approval. She accepts the invitation because she has nothing to lose. Although Kakashi hurt her, she still has to see him every day and so she can’t hold onto her resentment too much. And since she has such low expectations and little trust when it comes to adults, she’s more willing to take what she can get – she’s got low self-esteem too, so she’s less likely to protect her feelings too much
> 
> Also, Kakashi is a bit of an asshole, but he has too much trauma to have healthy relationships for now. Like, he’s so traumatised from having lost everyone and he has so much guilt and self-hatred that he’s not emotionally available to have any sort of relationship. But he still wants to try and help a bit, he’s not heartless. He’s having a hard time, that’s why he needed Genma to make him see he was being an ass, but he’ll try to get better in the future (we’ll see if he manages to do that~). That's no excuse for being an asshole, don't get me wrong, but he does deserve a bit of character development hahaha
> 
> Ah and someone commented that it'd be best if I used " " instead of « » but truth be told my computer is in French (coz I'm, y'know, French), and it corrects " " to « » automatically :( I'll look up how to change that if I have the time. But even if I do, I won't change the chapters I've already published. I hope you won't mind the French quotation marks too much ;(


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura bonds with Naruto and manages to have a mostly civil conversation with Sasuke.  
> Sabi curses the Council, Kakashi takes a depression nap and Genma spills some tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's been a while. Not gonna lie, things have been hectic, and I have no idea how regularly I'll get to update in the future. I'm starting my internship in a couple weeks, so I don't know yet how busy I'll be.  
> Anyway, here's a v long chapter (can't believe I posted a 9k word long chapter lol). I kind of like it? There's a lot of fluff! And a bit of hurt/comfort but it's not v angsty for once.

« Hey Sakura-chan! Do you want to go out and have dinner? » Naruto asked enthusiastically. 

The sky was a hundred shades of pink and blue. Pink like her hair. Blue like Naruto’s eyes. 

A memory of Kaka-sensei’s voice intruded her thoughts. _« Maa, give Team 7 a chance, alright Sakura? »_

Sakura exhaled slowly and turned to face Naruto. His eyes were blue, blue, blue and the hopeful light in them dimmed as she stayed quiet for too long. 

He smiled, a fake thing that had him close his eyes, and turned his head to the side. 

« Alright, » she said. Blue eyes snapped back to hers.

« Really, Sakura-chan?! It’ll be the best date ever, believe it! » He said with a big grin. Too big to be genuine. She wondered – why were all the members of Team 7 so keen on wearing masks? 

« Really, Naruto, » she said with a small, genuine smile. It stretched to a threatening thing, then. « But if you say it’s a date again, I’ll punch you in the face. I don’t think your skull will fare much better than that tree I punched the other day. » 

She deadpanned. « Also don’t call me Sakura-chan. » 

Naruto paled at the mention of the tree. It had been their fault, really. His and Sasuke. Sakura had been done with their constant bickering and occasional brawling and with her being ignored by them, and she’d told them at least three times to stop fighting that day. At that point, they had been rolling in the dirt and Sakura had seen stray cats fight with more technique. Team 7 had been waiting for Kakashi-sensei for an hour or so and Sakura hadn’t managed to get a single minute of chakra meditation in because of her idiotic teammates.

She’d tried some breathing exercises Genma had showed her to keep her temper in check, but Sasuke and Naruto just hadn’t shut the fuck up ever since they’d arrived. 

Sakura had calmly got to her feet, one of her eyes twitching in anger. 

Sasuke and Naruto had stopped, their survival instincts kicking him. They’d turned their heads to look at her. She’d stretched her mouth in an ugly, terrifying thing that could generously be called a smile, and they’d both shivered in fear. 

Then Sakura had gently punched the tree next to her. 

The thing is, most shinobi use chakra to have more strength. They do so with more or less results, depending on their chakra control. Genma had given Sakura a scroll on chakra control that mentioned Tsunade of the Sannin and how she kneaded her chakra internally before concentrating it all in one fist in an instant. That was all that was really said on the technique, that and the fact that it required a lot of chakra control. Sakura had crazy chakra control, Genma had said as much, so she’d experimented – hence many visits to the ER with broken phalanges and, on a notable occasion, metacarpus. 

But she’d become skilled enough that shattering the bark of a tree had been no problem, that day. 

Sasuke and Naruto had stopped brawling after that. 

« How about we buy some stuff to cook, my treat, and then we have dinner at your place? » Sakura asked while Naruto recovered. 

« Uh, why don’t we go to Ichiraku instead, Sakura? My place’s, not, y’know, very, uh clean. » He said with a fake laugh. 

Sakura smiled. Naruto swallowed and agreed quietly.

She took his arm and marched them to the central market. She just wanted a quiet evening in, she was exhausted from training. They could cook then chill a bit, she really didn’t want to see other people. She didn’t have the energy for that. 

She hadn’t expected the villagers’ glare. And insults. And how no one would sell Naruto anything or how the few that would tried to grossly overcharge him. 

She tried to breathe slowly, in and out, she tried counting to ten, fifteen, one hundred. But her blood kept singing in her veins, chants of revenge and wrongs righted. 

She ignored it. She needed to understand, first, because any rash action on her part would result in consequences for Naruto, too. She didn’t want that.

When they finally made it to Naruto’s apartment, she was met with an actual tower of empty ramen cups. It went from the floor to the ceiling. She would have been impressed if she wasn’t slightly disgusted by the state of the place.

It wasn’t just Naruto’s fault, to be fair. The building was extremely run down. Paint was peeling off the walls. There were mould stains on the walls, too, and wasn’t that a health hazard or something? Sakura wasn’t sure. 

The floor was covered in… stuff. Random stuff like a set of candles that promised happiness once completely burnt, frog-themed decoration, blunt kunai that didn’t look symmetrical, potted plants, clothes, and scrolls and ink and brushes. Actually, now that she looked properly there were scrolls and seals everywhere and wasn’t _that_ dangerous? She had no idea what these seals did, but if she lived there she would be scared she would accidentally put chakra in one and have the entire place explode in her face. 

Naruto was behind her, she could see him rocking back and forth gently in her peripheral vision. How could his place be so dirty?! 

Then she remembered what Sasuke had told her, when he’d called her annoying before Wave. Right. Naruto was an orphan. He had never had anybody to nag him into tidying his room.

She put her hands on her hips and turned around. Naruto looked at her like a deer in the headlights before putting on a nervous smile. Someone needed to take charge here. 

She put the grocery bags down and took both his hands in hers, which she immediately regretted because the skin-on-skin contact gave her unpleasant goosebumps and left her feeling unsettled. She ignored the feeling. 

« Naruto. Here’s what’s gonna happen, » she said with determination. « We’re gonna clean this place. Then we’re gonna cook. And after that! » Fire was burning in her eyes. « After that we fucking chill because I’m so ready to not do anything. Deal? » 

Naruto swallowed heavily and nodded. Sakura beamed at him. 

  
Even with Naruto’s clones, cleaning had taken them two whole hours. They couldn’t have too many clones help them, since the place was cramped. 

Cleaning had been fun, somehow. Naruto, in his apartment, was much calmer and less loud than the persona he presented during training. He was also – weirder. He had the tendency to get lost in repetitive motions and to just not stop even though whatever he was cleaning was long clean. Sakura had had to snap him out of it a few times. 

And he talked to himself. Sakura had thought she was the only one to do that, but it made sense Naruto did as well. Sakura had started talking to herself to compensate for the fact that her mind was so silent now, but Naruto… He’d been alone for most of his life. No one talked to him, so it made sense he talked to himself. 

Talking to himself had been one thing, but seeing him argue with his clones had still been a bit surreal. 

« So… what are we making for dinner Sakura? I can’t really cook, y’know. » Naruto said while they brought the groceries in the newly cleaned kitchenette.

« Nikujaga! » Sakura said with confidence. « Kaka-sensei showed me how to make it yesterday, and I’m pretty sure the two of us can manage to make it today. » Sakura had been the one who’d started calling their sensei Kaka-sensei, and Naruto had immediately adopted the new nickname. 

« Kaka-sensei?! Why is he showing you how to cook? » Naruto exclaimed. Right. Maybe she shouldn’t have said that. She didn’t want to tell her teammate she was homeless. She didn’t want to tell him anything. It was her struggle, no one else’s, and she didn’t want him to see her differently because of it. 

But it wasn’t fair to not include Naruto, in a way. Because he was her teammate, and he was alone, too, wasn’t he? And… Maybe it was alright if he came along sometimes when she went to Kakashi-sensei’s place? She didn’t know, she didn’t know, she didn’t want to hurt him but she didn’t want to tell him and –

Naruto took her by the sleeve, careful not to touch her skin. He was always so observant, but that only made Sakura feel more anxious and guilty. « You don’t have to tell me, » he said. He looked a bit sad. He didn’t smile his fake smiles in his apartment, she’d noticed.

And she realised. This place was his sanctuary, the one place where he could be himself, away from the judgmental eyes of the villagers. And she’d come here, she hadn’t really given him a choice, and who was she to barge in here and just – 

« Sakura, seriously, are you alright? » Naruto looked worried now. 

« I’m sorry, » she croaked. « I’m sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have come. » Naruto looked hurt and dejected, and no, that wasn’t what she'd meant! Her words were failing her, she didn’t want to talk, but she owed Naruto as much. 

« I don’t know why the villagers hate you, » she said, and he dropped his hand as if burnt. « But I know that this is your safe place. And I didn’t even give the choice, I just came here even when you said you didn’t really want me to. I’m sorry. If you want me to go, just say so, I’ll understand. » 

Naruto looked at her with wide eyes. She went on. « Kaka-sensei showed me how to cook ‘cause my parents disowned me and sometimes I crash at his place. I don’t want to talk about it, though. But next time I go there, it could be fun if you came too? » 

Naruto looked lost. Well, that _was_ a lot of information at once. He blinked a couple times then he seemed to recover. « Wait… » He said. « Does that mean you’ve seen him without his mask?! » Trust Naruto to always have his priorities right. She chuckled at his antics before shaking her head. Naruto looked disappointed but moved on.

« It’s the first time I have someone over and ‘Ruka-nii said it’s fine to have friends over so maybe we can be friends? » 

Ruka-nii? She didn’t know who that was, but it wasn’t any of her business. She was just glad, and a bit jealous maybe, that Naruto wasn’t completely alone. 

Sakura considered Naruto’s words. She hadn’t had a friend her age since Ino. She wasn’t sure she knew how to be a friend, but then she was pretty sure Naruto didn’t either. « Yeah, let’s be friends, » she said with a small grin. Naruto’s smile was more timid but just as warm.

As it turned out, her earlier confidence had been grossly misplaced. They were incapable of recreating the nikujaga, but at least they didn’t burn anything and it was still edible and homemade. Naruto was satisfied and so was she. They fell on his bed, in a food coma. 

« I’m so full, » Sakura groaned. Naruto hummed in agreement. He’d eaten three or four times as much as her. And she _had_ eaten quite a lot. 

« What’s with all the scrolls and brushes and seals anyway? » She asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence. It was probably around midnight and she was crashing hard. Her brain was struggling to form sentences.

« I just really like seals, and ‘Ruka-nii gave me some books on fuuinjutsu. He’s really good with seals! But when I told Jijii about it, he looked at me weird. Like, sometimes he looks at me and it’s like he’s seeing someone else, y’know? I asked but he said nothing. I don’t like it, when he doesn’t tell me stuff. But I like seals so it’s fine. » 

« Ruka-nii? » She couldn’t help but ask.

« Ah… Iruka-sensei? From the Academy? He’s, kinda, like, y’know, a brother to me, » Naruto said quietly.

Her tired brain couldn’t come up with a coherent answer so she merrily hummed. She wished she had a brother, too. _Maybe Naruto can be my brother_ , she thought. 

But he wasn’t. And Sakura knew she should leave before she fell asleep, but she couldn’t conjure the energy to move. 

« You’re nice, ‘ruto. I’m glad we’re friends now, » she mumbled as her eyes closed. She missed the startled look Naruto sent her way, and the soft, insecure smile that followed. 

* * *

« I’m home! » Sakura said as she took off her combat boots. They were covered in mud, and so was her entire body. She’d _had_ to push Sasuke in the mud when he’d looked at the sludgy crop field with thinly veiled disgust and had sniffed haughtily, and he’d retaliated, of course. Totally worth it, though, his face when he’d realised he had mud even in his precious hair had been hilarious. Naruto’s delighted laugh and Kakashi-sensei’s trembling shoulders as he'd tried to contain his own chuckles had been a nice bonus. And Sakura didn’t really care for dirt anymore, now that she wasn’t trying to seduce Sasuke. 

Genma looked up from the sofa, where he was inspecting his daggers. « You’re positively filthy, squirrel. Had fun during training today? Go shower now before you get mud everywhere, » he said, scrunching up his nose. 

Sakura laughed happily. Once freshly shower, she flopped on the sofa next to him. « Hey, Genma. » 

« Hm? » 

« Why does everyone hate Naruto? » 

Genma froze slightly, and if Sakura hadn’t been so close to him she wouldn’t have felt him tense. « What makes you say everyone hates Naruto? » He asked in an even voice that betrayed nothing. 

Sakura looked at him with a deadpan face. « Naruto and I went grocery shopping the other day and someone threw a rotten tomato at him. A fucking rotten tomato, Genma. » 

Genma sighed. « I can’t tell you why, squirrel, I’m sorry. » He said, not looking at her. 

« Can’t or won’t? » She asked with narrowed eyes. 

« Can’t. » 

Interesting. Sakura pulled out her notebook, the one where she’d started writing down everything weird about Naruto, and wrote down the new fact she’d just obtained. She wrote her notes in a code whose key she was the only one to know.

Cryptography had been one of her favourite subjects at the Academy, and she’d taken to create her own cyphers for fun. It had come in handy to make sure no one could read her journal entries on Ino or Sasuke. Now that her notes were a bit more sensitive, she was all the more happy for her interest. 

She hummed in contemplation. She didn’t have much, but she was determined. When she found out why Naruto was treated the way he was – and she would find out, she vowed – whoever was responsible would suffer a long, painful death. Naruto was her _friend_. He was hers and so she would protect him, because that was her shinobi way. And while Sakura wasn’t strong yet, she was very smart and good at research, so she could help her friend that way.

For now, she did have some elements, but she felt like the truth was still unattainable. She looked down at her notes, which were divided into two columns. In the first column, she’d compiled weird facts about Naruto’s life and others’ reactions to him. In the second, she’d put all the things that were weird about Naruto _himself_. 

Naruto’s life

  1. Everyone hates Naruto, both civilians and shinobi. The adults seem to know why, our generation doesn’t. They’ve always hated him, even when we were very small so it can’t be something he’s done
  2. They call Naruto « it »
  3. Naruto probably knows why. He tensed up a lot when I mentioned it, so it’s probably something big
  4. Naruto’s an orphan. He doesn’t know who his parents are. 
  5. Fuuinjutsu. The Hokage reacted weirdly when Naruto said he liked it. Maybe he knew someone who was a seal expert? And that person is connected to Naruto? Maybe it’s unrelated?
  6. Kakashi-sensei’s a bit weird with Naruto sometimes. It feels like he’s scared of him? Not scared scared, but like it’s painful to look at Naruto, and like it hurts him that it hurts to be near Naruto. He tries to hide it but I watch him all the time so I know
  7. Genma said he can’t talk about it, so it means there’s a law or an order not to talk about it



Naruto

  1. He has crazy stamina
  2. He eats a lot (maybe related to 1.?)
  3. He has a lot of chakra, and his chakra felt wrong different when he thought Sasuke had been killed in Wave
  4. His body’s always very warm (we shared a futon so I know)



She needed answers. There were several things she wanted to look up. What horrible events had happened in which Naruto could have been involved as in infant? How did it work to make something a secret, could it come from the Hokage or the Council? If it was a secret to her generation, why was it that all the adults knew? Had there been a leak? What about Naruto’s family – wasn’t one of the Hokage’s wife an Uzumaki? 

But for now, she thought with a yawn, it was time for a nap. She settled comfortably next to Genma, just shy of touching him, and closed her eyes.

* * *

Sakura, like always, was the first one to arrive at the bridge. She waited with trepidation for Sasuke to arrive. She hoped Naruto would be a bit late, like he usually was. She braced herself when she felt the Uchiha’s chakra come closer.

« Sasuke, » she greeted him once he was close enough. He tensed visibly. While Sakura had made progress with Naruto, she and Sasuke still didn’t really talk. They’d never had an actual conversation, Sakura realised with a start. Not once. Not in the Academy. Not since they’d been put in the same team. Not since they’d come back from Wave. 

Sakura frowned. This needed to change. Kakashi-sensei had asked her to give Team 7 a chance, and she would. She wanted to talk to Sasuke about Naruto, but she realised there was something else she needed to do first. 

« I’m sorry, » she said, and Sasuke blinked at her in surprise. « I apologise for my behaviour in the Academy and in the months following, » she said formally with a bow. Sasuke liked formality, didn’t he? Although he didn’t respect Kakashi-sensei much, he still had the manners of a prince. 

« I didn’t respect your boundaries and was very rude. I hope we can have a fresh start, » she said sincerely. She looked up. Sasuke wasn’t looking her way at all, and he was frowning. Sakura gritted her teeth. He didn’t have the manners of a prince, she mentally corrected herself, but of a spoiled heir who was used to having everyone bow at his will.

She breathed in and out. « Do you accept my apology? » She asked. She would not let him ignore her. 

« Whatever, » he said, still not looking at her. _This is for Naruto_ , she reminded herself, when she wanted nothing but to punch her teammate for being disrespectful. 

« I’m glad we can see eye to eye, » she said with a fake smile. She lost her smile and took a threatening step forward. Sasuke was startled by the change of attitude and he actually looked at her then. _Good_ , she thought. This was important. She needed him to pay attention.

« Now I have a question for you. Do you actually hate Naruto? » She asked. 

Sasuke’s eyebrows shot up. « … What? » He asked incredulously.

« I said: Do. You. Hate. Naruto? » 

They stared at each other for long, painful seconds. Sasuke huffed through his nose and crossed his arms defensively. « It’s none of your business. I don’t know what Naruto told you, but I haven’t met up with him in a week for a reason. I told him to bring tomatoes for dinner, and he forgot. I won’t hang out again until he’s apologised. » 

Sakura blinked. Hard. The fuck was Sasuke talking about?! But Sasuke wasn’t done, apparently.

« If he thinks he can have you talk to me on his behalf, then he’s more stupid than I gave him credit for. Just because the two of you are on speaking terms now doesn’t mean you can talk to me in his place. If he won’t apologise, then I won’t have anything to do with him, » he said with finality.

« You and Naruto are… friends? » Sakura asked with a frown. How had she missed that?!

Sasuke opened his mouth and closed it. He blushed slightly, then. Sakura had no idea what was going on.

« If you weren’t talking about what happened, then what were you talking about? » He demanded.

« Sasuke, you and Naruto are always yelling at each other. I had no idea you two are even talking, or that you are friends and have fucking tomato degustation dates or whatever. » 

« We have an _understanding_ , we’re not _friends_ , » Sasuke hissed. His attitude was undermined by the heavy blush he was now sporting on his cheeks. Sakura couldn’t help but think he was cute, but that was irrelevant now. 

« Whatever, » she said with a sigh. « As long as you don’t hate him, that’s fine. »

« I thought _you_ hated him, » Sasuke accused angrily. 

« I don’t! I was an asshole to him but we’re friends now. Anyways, we don’t have much time before he arrives. I want to know if you’ll help me with this thing, » she said. 

« Why would I help you with anything, » Sasuke said with disdain.

« I’m gonna find out why everyone hates Naruto. Are you in or what? » Sakura answered. Sasuke looked at her intently. 

« And what will you do if you find out? » He asked icily. 

« _When_ I find out why he’s being mistreated, when I find out who’s responsible, I’m gonna make them pay, » she spat. 

Sasuke sized her up. « You may have punched me in the face once, but you’re still _useless_. » 

Her rage was heavy and potent but Sasuke didn’t even blink. « You’re not strong enough. Whoever did this _has_ to have a lot of power. The _entire village_ hates Naruto, yet the reason why has been kept secret, » he said darkly.

« _I know_ , » Sakura said through gritted teeth. « I FUCKING KNOW, » she yelled. She wanted to destroy mountains with her bare hands. She wanted to tear Sasuke’s throat with her teeth. Naruto was hers, hers, hers, but she was weak, weak, weak. 

« I may be weak now, but I’ll get strong soon enough. I’ll find out what happened and why and who’s responsible and I won’t stop until they’ve paid for what they’ve done to Naruto. I. won’t. fucking. stop, » she said, trying to reign her temper in. Judging from Sasuke’s unimpressed face, she wasn’t half successful. 

She breathed in and out. She counted to ten, slowly. She closed her eyes briefly and felt Naruto coming their way. He’d arrive in a minute or two.

« Will you help me or not. » She said flatly. She held her hand in invitation. She was surprised when he took it with a slightly disgusted expression. 

« Hn, » he said in agreement. He let go of her hand immediately and she stared at it in wonder. She hadn’t expected him to accept. 

Sakura went to talk to Sasuke after training. He sighed heavily when she approached him, but he didn’t leave. Naruto eyed them weirdly but he left anyway. 

« First I want to find out why everyone hates Naruto, » she said lowly. She didn’t want people to overhear their conversation. « He obviously knows why, and I think he doesn’t want us to find out ‘cause he’s scared we’ll hate him too. Which is stupid, but I understand where he’s coming from. Anyway, once we know, we can discuss it with him, but not before. »

« And how are you planning on finding out, since it’s a secret? » He asked with a raised eyebrow. 

« We’ll do some research at the library, obviously, » she answered with an eye-roll.

It was the middle of the afternoon when they reached the library. Sakura sat down on the stairs that led to the front door. 

« Give me your ID card, » she said in a tone that didn’t ask for questions or protests. Sasuke huffed at her tone, but complied when she just stared him down with a scowl. 

She pulled a form from her backpack and filled it in using Sasuke’s ID card. She got up and gestured at Sasuke to follow when she approached the librarian’s desk. 

« Good afternoon, Nitami-san! » Sakura chirped with a cute and polite voice. Sasuke eyed her warily. It was understandable, she hadn’t used that voice around Team 7 in months. 

« Hello, Sakura-chan. How are you doing? » The librarian answered with a smile. Sakura had come around often enough that all the staff knew her. They were all quite fond of her, which worked in her advantage. 

Sakura and Nitami small-talked for a few minutes before she handed the form she had filled in earlier. 

« I helped my teammate Sasuke fill in the form to have access to the chuunin library, » Sakura said with a timid smile. « My sensei signed it already, he couldn’t come though. He’s so busy as the famous Copy Nin, you understand… Sasuke’s interested in fire jutsu and the history of Konoha, so I told him I could help him do some research! Sensei said it’d be good for us. »

She concluded her story with a bright smile and hoped Sasuke was playing along. At least, no one expected him to smile, so he couldn’t fuck up too bad, Sakura thought. 

Nitami smiled warmly at them, two young genin so dedicated to their training. Sakura felt slightly guilty, but lying was part of the life of a shinobi, wasn’t it? Information was key to their job, and it was fine as long as they didn’t get caught. 

They wouldn’t get caught.

Sakura made her way towards the chuunin section of the library, Sasuke’s stare heavy on her neck. 

Once out of earshot, he grabbed her harshly by the arm. « What was that? » He hissed. Sakura eyed him with a sigh. 

« Do you really think they’ll let genin have access to any kind of sensitive information? » She replied. 

« I checked, and genin can have access to the chuunin section if they have their sensei’s approval. I forged sensei’s signature a while back, and while he might agree now to sign the form, we can’t risk him saying no. Since we’re not chuunin, we can only consult the books, not borrow them anyways. If we’re discreet, there’s no way we’ll get caught. » 

She pushed away from her teammate. « Come on. I only have a couple hours before I have to go. » Sasuke didn’t ask where, and she wouldn’t have answered anyways. 

When she was younger, Sakura had always wondered why there never was anyone in the library. Their sensei at the Academy always insisted that information was key, and books were one of the most accessible sources of information. 

It had only made sense during their last year at the Academy, after Sakura had realised she’d been the only civilian-born student left in their year. 

Clan kids had resources she couldn’t even dream of. They had libraries, private training grounds, tutors… No other clan kids needed to go to the library, clan libraries were probably much bigger than the village ones. After all, shinobi arts had been strictly clan business for a very long time. 

That was why Sakura hadn’t feel guilty much when she’d forged Kakashi-sensei’s signature. At the time, she had had very little trust in him. And while she trusted him much more now, it would be suspicious to ask for his signature on a form she’d already submitted.

Forging his signature to get access to more information had just been one way to be on slightly less unequal footing with everyone else. Sasuke couldn’t understand, and that was why she hadn’t explained what they were about to do before actually doing it. He’d grown up in a clan. He still had his clan resources, although he was the last Uchiha in Konoha. He had no idea what it was like for her.

Sakura sighed. Sometimes, the unfairness of it all made her want to cry her eyeballs out. She had to struggle with everything and she was tired.

« I want us to find everything we can on the Uzumaki, » Sakura said eventually. « I’ll check legal texts later, I want to know how Naruto’s situation was made a secret. Legal texts are not in a restricted section anyway. We should also check later for tragedies that happened when we were kids. » 

  
They found out that the Shodaime, Senju Hashirama, had been married to Uzumaki Mito. So the Uzumaki had to be important somehow, Sakura figured. Uzumaki Mito had been a fuuinjutsu expert, and Sakura wrote it down as important. It couldn’t be a coincidence. 

« Sakura, » Sasuke said, startling her out of her thoughts. She looked at where he was pointing with his finger. 

« Uzumaki Mito was a powerful kunoichi who lived during the founding of Konoha. The blood of the Uzumaki clan was strong in her, which can be attested by her exceptional life force and longevity. She survived her husband, the Shodaime, and lived through the Nidaime’s and part of the Shodaime's reigns. » Sakura read out loud. 

She failed to comprehend what she was reading. « The Uzumaki… clan? » She asked, looking up at Sasuke to see his reaction. Sasuke looked as lost as she did. Then he frowned. « I didn’t find anything about the Uzumaki in the books on clans here. » He clenched his jaw. « I’ll check out our library later. » Then, in a low voice. « If the information is censured here, it won’t be in my clan’s personal library. » 

Sakura couldn’t help but be jealous. The things she would do if she had her personal library… She shook herself out of her thoughts. She’d have her own library, once she earned enough to have a place of her own and food and clothes and weapons… She closed her eyes briefly. Right. First, she needed to get out of here. She didn’t want to make Sabi wait. 

« Uh, Sabi, why are we making way much more weapons than usual? » Sakura asked. 

Sabi was cooling a blade and Sakura couldn’t help but stare in wonder. She was sweating heavily due to the high temperature in the forge, she was covered in dirt and exhausted, but sword making truly was a beautiful art so it was all worth it. 

« The chuunin exam’s coming up in ten days, which means Konoha will have many visitors. » Sabi said, smearing dirt as she wiped her forehead. Well, that explained why Genma hadn’t had missions outside the village lately, securing the whole village was probably tricky.

« The Council issued a communiqué yesterday, the old fuckers. If they think everyone can get their business in order in just a bit more than a week, they truly have no idea what they’re talking about. » She sounded irritated, and Sakura didn’t want to press but she also needed information. She would present the chuunin exam at some point, after all. 

« Do you know anything about the exams themselves? » She asked with little hope. Sabi was a civilian after all. 

The older woman eyed her with consideration. « You’re a good kid, Momo, sometimes I forget you’re a shinobi. » She scratched her nose. « I only know that the last phase’s a tournament. That’s when most of the people show up, it’s really good for business. I don’t envy you shinobi, ‘cause it’s a show of sort. They choose pairs of kids they know will make for a good fight. That’s what sells tickets, people come for the entertainment, » she said with a huff. 

Sakura wanted to say she was surprised, but she really wasn’t. Shinobi were mercenaries after all, so it was in the villages’ interest to advertise their shinobi’s skills. 

She understood, but she hated it. Considering she was civilian-born and completely unknown, she couldn’t hope for a fair fight. 

But she didn’t have to worry about it for now. She still had time, Team 7 was still fresh out of the Academy after all. 

Then Kakashi-sensei announced he’d nominated them for the chuunin exam.

« Eh!? But sensei, we’ve been out of the Academy for less than a year! » Sakura exclaimed. Internally she was yelling. _This can’t be right, what the actual fuck_ , she thought. _We’re so going to die._

« You don’t have to sign up, but I do think taking the exam could be good for you, my cute little gremlins, » he said with his signature eye smile. Now that she could discern between them, she knew that this one meant he was having lots of fun, and that it was definitely at their expense. 

« Fill in these forms and go to the administration building 9, room 301, next Monday at 10 am if you want to participate. Training is cancelled today, I’ll see you later! » 

Then he disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

Sakura blinked. She was feeling slightly hysterical. « Guys there’s no way we’re ready, what the fuck is Kaka-sensei thinking. » 

Naruto looked excited, though. « Come on, Sakura, we’ll be fine! I’ll become a chuunin in no time, believe it! »

« You better not get in my way, » Sasuke told the two of them sombrely. 

Even if Sakura and Sasuke had only just started talking a few days ago, Sasuke _had_ improved in the last few weeks. He took Team 7 into consideration more, and he hadn’t told Naruto and Sakura they were dead weights in a while. But every now and then, he’d remember himself and he would remind his two teammates that he didn’t need them. 

_Men and their fragile egos_ , Sakura thought. It was something she'd heard Anko say a lot.

« Yeah, right, ‘cause you’re a big boy and you don’t need us. » She said, pulling her tongue at him. He bristled and looked like he was ready to burn her to ashes. Pushing Sasuke’s buttons was so easy, and it distracted Sakura from her team’s impending doom. She went on.

« Except you actually do. Only three-genin teams can present the chuunin exam, » she told him with a sweet grin. Genma had told her as much. She would try to get more information on the exam out of him next time she saw him. 

« ‘Cause, you know, teamwork is actually important and makes you stronger, » she finished with a smirk. Sasuke was fuming, but he crossed his arms and didn’t answer. Naruto was looking between the two of them with a frown.

« Uh, guys, since we’re free, do you want to do something together? » He asked tentatively.

« Like what, » Sasuke asked flatly. « I have better things to do than waste my time with you two. » 

Naruto looked ready to retort, and then they’d bicker for an hour or two. Sakura didn’t let him talk, she didn’t have time for them and their weird relationship. 

« We could train together. Like, you know, since we’re apparently going to participate in the chuunin exam, we could actually work on our teamwork ‘cause it still sucks ass, » Sakura said with a deadpan face. 

Damn, she was trying real hard for this whole team thing. Kaka-sensei better keep his part of the deal and take her seriously.

« Yeah!! Let’s train together! » Naruto said enthusiastically. Naruto was always up to spend time with them. It made her a bit sad, she hadn’t realised how lonely he was before, or rather, she had always ignored it. 

  
Now, though, Sakura had to find something to do that would both interest Naruto and not be immediately denied by Sasuke. It meant that it would have to be something practical, something where being a team was essential and something from which Sasuke had something to gain.

« I have an idea, » she said, a savage grin slowly stretching her face. 

Kakashi-sensei had had this coming, really. Since the Change, and since Sakura had started spending some nights at his place, he’d been slightly less annoying in her opinion. Or Sakura had grown used to him, she wasn’t sure. He was less useless and sometimes actually trained them properly, but she knew he wasn’t taking them as seriously as he could. True, he had been getting better, but he wasn’t quite _there_ yet. 

She’d been gathering intel, and everyone had told her that Kakashi-sensei’s proper training regimen was _hell_. _Their_ training was _boring_ and while it was challenging for her, it was still pretty much manageable. It wasn’t anywhere close to hell if she could manage it.

And telling them only a week in advance for the chuunin exam? Rude. 

So, really, they couldn’t be blamed for trying to prank the man. He hadn’t taken them seriously, it was only fair they would strike back. 

Sakura wasn’t stupid, though. Kakashi-sensei seemed to be about as stable as she was, which wasn’t very stable at all, so they would have to be careful and not trigger his fighting instincts. They didn’t want to die, after all. 

Ideally, they would have to trap him, but he would have to know it was them, so that he wouldn’t react too badly and kill them by accident. 

Naruto was good with traps, so he’d be in charge of that, Sakura decided. Sasuke would be the bait – Kakashi-sensei was getting to know Sakura too well and wouldn’t believe she would seek him out with innocent motives. Sakura would do the tracking – she had gotten better at that and was the one who knew their sensei best. Kakashi-sensei was near impossible to find when he didn’t want to be found, but Sakura knew most of his hiding places, as well as some of his habits. She had been observing the man for a while, after all. 

They were all sat under a tree on their training ground, discussing the finer details of the plan. Sakura was twirling a kunai on one of her fingers, a habit she’d picked from their sensei. The two boys were sat a respectful distance away from the twirling weapon, eyeing it distrustfully, but she ignored them. 

She grabbed the kunai by its handle.

« I think we’re ready! » She exclaimed excitedly. 

They all got up, and Sakura put her hand in front of her. She waited for her teammates to put their hands on hers, and they did, eventually. 

« Operation: prank the shit out of Kakashi-sensei, go! » 

Sakura had realised it a while ago, but Team 7 was doomed. By that, she meant that they had the worst luck in the universe. If something could go wrong on a mission, or on anything they did as a team, then it would, invariably. Their mission in Wave was the most shocking example, but it was only one example in a long, long list. 

So it was no surprise that their prank resulted in them – including Kakashi-sensei, who might very well be the most unlucky of them all – running away from a half dozen angry jounin. 

Kakashi-sensei took Naruto under one arm, took a bristling Sasuke under the other and urged Sakura to climb on his back, then he was gone at top speed. 

_I really need to learn how to shunshin_ , Sakura mused, as enraged screams faded in the distance. Kakashi-sensei carried them all the way to the Hokage Monument, and dropped them unceremoniously on the ground. 

« Maa, my cute little genin, » he said, with an eye smile and a saccharine voice that screamed murder, « care to explain what the hell that was about? » 

Sakura took a small step forward. It had been her idea after all. She was surprised when Naruto and Sasuke took a step forward as well, to be on the same level as her. 

« You shouldn’t have just disappeared like that sensei! And we didn’t even go hard on you, believe it! » Naruto exclaimed. 

« We just wanted to prank you as retribution for leaving us like that after telling us you’d nominated us for the chuunin exam, » Sakura completed. 

Sasuke nodded, but didn’t add anything. 

« So, the best course of action, obviously, was to track me down and to try and prank me as well as everyone in my immediate vicinity? » Kakashi-sensei drawled. 

The three genin ducked their head. « We didn’t account for collateral casualties, sensei, » Sakura said. 

Kakashi-sensei sighed and sat down on the ground. He looked at the sky, as if to ask « why me? » to the gods. He ran a tired hand across his mostly masked face, then let himself lie down on his back. The three genin sat down around him. Tentatively, Naruto lay down, curled against him, Sakura used his side as a pillow, and Sasuke his thigh. They relaxed when he didn’t push them away.

Their sensei had very low energy level for anything that wasn’t ninja-related, they’d found out early on. Paper work, social interactions and decisions on anything other than missions seemed to drain him. So they didn’t say anything as they lay down there for a good hour. 

Of course, Sakura was disappointed Kakashi-sensei hadn’t fallen for their prank, unlike the other jounin who were now probably cleaning clothes drenched in fish broth and covered in glitter. But she didn’t mind the outcome too much. Naruto, Sasuke and she had had lots of fun, _some people_ had been pranked although their target had escaped unscathed, and now the four of them were relaxing while watching the pink tinted sky as the day ended. 

These three people, they were hers, she thought fiercely. The thought filled her with warmth, and she smiled softly. 

« So, my cute little genin, tell me about your prank. What was the plan? » Kakashi-sensei said after the sun had completely disappeared. 

Sakura explained the general idea: trap a selected area, find Kakashi-sensei and make him go there using Sasuke as bait, then trigger the traps from the distance. 

They hadn’t planned on the area being filled with other jounin sensei, who for some reasons all wanted to talk to Kakashi-sensei. Naruto had designed the traps, special storage seals put around the area, filled with fish broth and glitter. Naruto detailed the seals he used with great enthusiasm, and Sakura was filled with pride at how confident he sounded. 

« How did you know? » Sasuke asked once they were done. Kakashi-sensei had somehow managed to shunshin out of range, next to Sasuke and the rest of Team 7 just as the tags had gone off.

« Maa, I’m familiar enough with Naruto’s pranks to recognise his seals and the faint chakra they emit when they’re about to go off. » 

Naruto chuckled nervously, while that statement made Sakura pause. 

« I thought Naruto only pranked civilians and ANBU, outside of the Academy, » she said slowly. When Kakashi-sensei didn’t say anything, she sat up and looked him in the eye. He stared blankly back. 

« You were ANBU! » she accused, digging her finger in his chest. Kakashi-sensei closed his eye and rubbed his face again.

« I swear you three gremlins will be the death of me, » she heard him mutter lowly. 

Sasuke and Naruto had sat up as well, Sasuke seemingly interested in the topic and Naruto looking puzzled. 

« What’s ANBU? » He asked. 

« They’re the black ops of the village. Their identity is secret, so they wear a white porcelain mask when they’re in service, » Sakura explained. 

Naruto’s face brightened. « Oh, you mean the Masks! Why didn’t you say so earlier? » He answered. 

« What do you mean, idiot? » Sasuke asked. 

« I’ve had Masks following me around and sometimes taking care of me from the moment I was kicked out of the orphanage ’til graduation, » Naruto said happily. 

_Uh_ , Sakura thought, _that’s unusual to say the least_. She mentally added that to her list of weird elements that made no sense when it came to Naruto. That fact would go in the first column, she’d write it down after training. 

« My brother was ANBU, » Sasuke said quietly to Kakashi. « Did you know him? » 

Kakashi-sensei went very still, then. He swallowed somewhat heavily, and Sakura only noticed because she was still close to his face. Her sensei was good at controlling his body language, but in turn she’d got better at reading it. 

« I was his captain, » Kakashi-sensei said eventually. _UH_ , Sakura thought hysterically. _Kaka-sensei was the captain of Sasuke’s brother turned mass murderer?! Who would have thought._

Sasuke was very tense, and so was Kakashi-sensei. Naruto looked at Sakura with uncertainty. He might act all brash, but he was very good at reading a room. He just chose to ignore it most of the time.

Sakura shrugged lightly. She didn’t know what to do either! She was scared this would ruin their new, fragile dynamic. But there was nothing they could do, it was between Sasuke and her sensei. 

She pressed the back of her hand against her sensei’s arm in comfort, and he relaxed minutely. 

« I wish I could have prevented what happened, » Kakashi-sensei said with a blank voice. _Too blank_ , she thought. His eye was blank as well, and for the first time, she truly worried for her sensei. 

« Shut up, » Sasuke answered harshly. The silence after that had a disquieting quality to it. Sasuke’s hands were tight fists. His eyes were burning with a cold fire.

« Shut up. It wasn’t your fault. No one saw it coming. _I_ didn’t see it coming. It’s _his_ fault, and that’s why I’ll become strong enough to kill him for what he’s done. » 

Well, that was both relieving and worrying, Sakura thought. They stayed silent after that, but the atmosphere was tense now.

« You really are a fucking idiot if you think you have to do this alone, » she said when she couldn’t stand the silence anymore. 

She was met with stunned expressions. Naruto recovered first, and he smiled at Sasuke then. He put one of his hand on top of Sasuke’s, and Sasuke tentatively relaxed his fist. Sakura was astounded that Sasuke would let him, and she filed that information for later.

« Yeah, Sakura’s right, y’know! We’re a team, so obviously we’ll do it together, » he said earnestly.

« And Kaka-sensei will make sure we stay alive, right? » She added. 

Kakashi-sensei sat up then, and he looked at them with a tired eye that said he wasn’t paid enough for this shit. Sakura snickered internally at his expression.

« With our luck, we’ll die three times before we even come near your brother anyway, » he said with an insincere eyesmile. He dropped the act and sighed, as if they really were exhausting him. « Maa, I guess I don’t have a choice but to try and keep you punks alive. » 

Sakura laughed, delighted, and turned to look at Sasuke. He was looking at them with uncertainty. 

« Come on, Sasuke, » she said, rolling her eyes. « Kakashi-sensei basically declared his undying love for us, » Kakashi-sensei sighed tiredly at that but she ignored him, « trust us a little, yeah? » 

Sasuke blinked. Then he frowned. « He’ll kill you. He’ll kill you all! » He turned his head away from them. He was trembling with… Rage? Fear? « You have no clue what you’re talking about! I have to do this alone! » He was yelling now. His hands were fists again. He jumped to his feet, and made to walk away. 

Naruto, bless him, didn’t let him. He got up as well and grabbed his arm. « Come on, don’t be an ever worse asshole than you usually are! We’ve already made up our mind anyways, and, it’s not up to you y’know! We can make our own decisions. And… And we’re stronger together! »

« You can’t honestly think a single person has more chance against an S-rank missing nin than four people, » Sakura piped up, not moving from where she was. 

« Yeah! » Naruto agreed loudly. He was awfully invested in this, Sakura noted. « You always say I’m an idiot but right now you’re the one saying stupid stuff! »

Sasuke was still trembling. Sakura eyed him critically. Where did he get the idea he had to do this alone? She asked him out loud. His scowl deepened. « That’s none of your business. » 

_Ugh, wrong question_ , she thought. Her teammate was closing off. « She has a point, Sas’ke. What makes you think you have to do it alone? » Naruto said.

« I don’t need you! You’re liabilities. I’ll get stronger alone. » He said, yanking his arm away. Naruto didn’t let go. « You don’t need us, but you have us anyway. So you better, y’know, get used to it. Come on, stop arguing asshole. » Naruto said. He yanked Sasuke hard and forced him to sit down again. 

Sasuke didn’t say anything, but he didn’t argue anymore. That was good enough for Sakura, and she flopped back against her sensei. Naruto started babbling about his plants or something. His voice washed over them and slowly, they all relaxed.

All this talking had tired Sakura, and she dozed off rapidly to the sound of Naruto’s voice. She felt safe and warm, and maybe Team 7 wasn’t so bad. 

* * *

« I’m home! » 

« Hey squirrel, you’re back late! How was training today? » Genma asked from the kitchen, where he was reading a book entitled _Poisons Throughout the Great Ninja Nations_ while stirring something in a pot. The title made Sakura smile. She couldn’t wait to learn about poisons. Genma had told her he’d teach her how to use poisons, and that someone was willing to teach her how to make them too. She was so excited for that!

But she wouldn’t have the time just now. Not with the chuunin exam. The thought made her grimace. 

« Kakashi-sensei nominated us for the chuunin exam, » she said, draping herself dramatically on a chair. She rested her head against the table. 

« How do you feel about that? » He asked.

That was the thing with Genma. He always asked the right questions, but he never pushed and he never judged. Sakura was so grateful to have him in her life. 

« I don’t know. I think we might all die. We’re such a mess, I don’t know what Kaka-sensei was thinking when he nominated us. » She paused to actually think about how she was feeling. « I want to see how much I’ve improved. But I’m still so weak… I don’t know if I’m ready yet. But I think I’ll do it, Naruto and Sasuke will hate me if I don’t show up, » she lamented.

Genma hummed. « Don’t be too hard on yourself, Sakura. You’ve improved a lot, but still, you’ve been out of the Academy for less than a year. The chuunin exam is a good opportunity for you to confront your skills with others’ in a somewhat controlled environment. » 

« However, » he continued as he sat down next to her, « your fears are completely valid and understandable. Your sensei thinks you can do it, and so do I. Trust your team, but don’t do so blindly. And most importantly, be careful. I don’t want my favourite squirrel to get hurt. »

Genma played with his senbon for a few seconds, meaning he was thinking about something. He looked upset. « I’m gonna be real with you, Sakura. I don’t think Kakashi had much of a choice when he nominated you, and I don’t think you really have a choice in participating either. I’m telling you this because I want you to be careful. People are going to watch your team closely, more so than any other team. Don’t trust anyone outside of Team 7, and be wary of other people’s intentions. Try and stay out of trouble, OK? » 

His tone was serious, and Sakura looked at him with wide eyes. She hadn’t realised, and she berated herself for being an idiot. Sasuke was the last Uchiha. Naruto was… something special. Of course people would watch their every moves. 

Of course she was the one in most danger, since no one cared about her. Since she wasn’t supposed to compete with her two teammates. 

Her resolve hardened. She would do whatever it took to survive and to protect her precious people. Her not showing up to the exam would probably not end well. She needed to stay close to Naruto and Sasuke anyway. 

Her mind made up, Sakura rested against Genma’s shoulder. She was glad he was honest with her, even if what he’d said scared her. But Team 7 wasn’t that bad, even with their luck they probably would survive the chuunin exam. Right?

* * *

Team 7 was _that bad_ , Sakura thought darkly. What kind of cosmic fuckery had landed her in this mess, she lamented internally. 

The first portion of the chuunin exam had gone alright. They had had some close calls. She’d had to explain to her teammates that no, speaking up and being noticed by everyone in the exam was not a good idea and would probably lead to their death. They were watched enough as it was, they didn’t need extra attention. Naruto and Sasuke had argued at first, but they’d complied eventually when she’d smiled at them dangerously, after Sasuke almost told everyone about the genjutsu on the second floor. 

Then there’d been the actual first stage of the exam, and she’d thought Naruto would do something reckless, like raise his hand or declare bright and loud that he wouldn’t give up because he wasn’t a coward and he’d become the hokage, believe it! So she’d glared at him, heavy and potent, when she’d felt he would speak up or raise his hand, and he’d squirmed but hadn’t done anything too drastic. By the end of the first stage, there were 16 teams left. 

Things had been _alright_ at that point. 

Then Anko had come crashing through the window, and in true Team 7 fashion, things had got ridiculously hellish after that. Sakura had been happy to see her friend after all this time, but having Anko as a proctor wasn’t exactly reassuring. 

And now... They'd been in the Forest of Death for less than two hours when Sakura had snapped and killed someone and now her teammates were looking at her like she’d screwed up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this was the last chapter before the chuunin exam. The chuunin exam should be one or two chapters long. Tbh, I'm not v interested in developing it too much, coz it's been done a thousand times... I've probably read too many versions of it and I'm not feeling v inspired by this arc.  
> I'm v excited for what's to come after that though! We're following the canon timeline so far (kinda), but we'll v soon let go of canon completely. Hmm also it's an AU so some things from canon won't ever happen / happened differently, but I'll say more about it later.  
> I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter! Let me know how you liked these team 7 feels. I think we all need some fluff before the chuunin exam related Angst
> 
> Also, [this](https://azuzel23.tumblr.com/post/629163111235076096/sakura-still-being-even-remotely-in-love-with) is how Sakura feels about Team 7 by the end of this chapter
> 
> Unrelated but I was rewatching the first season of Naruto and I reread the first volumes a few weeks ago, and is it me or is anime!Naruto much more stupid and obnoxious than manga!Naruto?? Is it just me??? Don't get me wrong I love Naruto obviously but I just like manga!Naruto better, at least until the chuunin exam (coz that's where I am in my rewatching). Thoughts?
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackmo0nie)  
> [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/blackmo0nie)


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team 7 meets Orochimaru.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! It's been a while :( I started my internship this Monday and ugh. It's tiring to say the least.  
> I'm not entirely satisfied with how this chapter turned out, but I've been editing it for a month or sthg and if I read it one more time I'll delete it all lol... I hope you'll like it still?  
> Anyway, I'm mostly done with the next chapter, so this will likely be a double update? I'll post the other chapter this evening or tomorrow, we'll see.  
> This chapter is shorter than the 10k word monster that was chapter 8. I cut it in half (it was originally 11k word long lol), bc too much was going on in one chapter otherwise
> 
> Hm there's a fair bit of violence, blood and a bit of gore in this chapter.
> 
> ALSO WAS NO ONE GOING TO TELL ME I WROTE SANDAIME INSTEAD OF SHODAIME LAST CHAPTER??? ;w; not that it's v important. But I corrected that, sorry for the mistake

« I need to take a piss! » Naruto exclaimed after all of an hour of them walking in the Forest of Death. Sakura glared at him when he went to piss just there, and he chuckled nervously before heading for some bushes farther away. Sakura busied herself by counting her shuriken. 

_One shuriken, two shuriken, three shuriken, twenty five shuriken…_

She was feeling more anxious by the second, and what was taking Naruto so fucking long anyway? 

He came back as she was getting started on her third count. 

Except it wasn’t Naruto. 

His eyes didn’t have their usual light in them, and he didn’t have the scratch Anko had given him on the cheek. It really wasn’t Naruto, and adrenaline flooded Sakura’s system. Her hands were trembling when she pulled out her wakizashi in a fluid motion, the one Sabi had given her a couple days ago as a good luck gift for the chuunin exam.

The blade was 50 cm of black steel – perfect for night attacks since it didn’t reflect light much. The hilt was covered with white ray skin, wrapped in black silk in a traditional battle wrap. The blade was a bit long for her now, but she was still growing. She loved it already. All in all, the design was simple and discrete, but Sabi had spoiled her with a special alloy that could channel chakra. Not that she’d got around to putting any chakra into it before the exam. 

Sakura eyed the shinobi. She was boiling internally. If he had hurt Naruto, then she would _destroy_ him. She was buzzing with anxiety and rage. No one touched what was hers. No fucking one. 

Sasuke was closer, and he hit the imposter with a roundhouse kick. The shinobi released his henge, revealing his Sound hitai ate. Sasuke charged him immediately. Sakura didn’t move, instead she scanned the area for Naruto’s chakra while their enemy was busy with Sasuke. She found his signature heading their way, and relief washed over her. He was alright, probably. 

She focused back on the fight, just in time to see the Sound shinobi draw some of Sasuke’s blood with a kunai. 

**Blood.**

Her left eye twitched. 

Fuckfuckfuckfuck **FUCK** Sasuke was **hers** and he was hurt and he was hers and she’d sworn to protect him and –

She sucked in a breath.

Someone had touched what was hershers **hers** and they had to pay for it and – she felt hot and cold at once and she had to move now and she would protectdefend **MINE**. 

She breathed out harshly. She knew what she had to do. She tightened her grip on her wakizashi. It was heavy in her left hand. She knew how to do it. She just had to –

There. Sasuke was about to go for a high kick with his left leg. Sakura had observed the way the enemy nin evaded. She knew where he would be in half a second. She had to move –

Now.

Sakura wasted no time. She suppressed her chakra. She used a kawarimi to substitute herself with a rock behind the Sound ninja – blessed be the gods who gave her a good enough chakra control to perform that one-handed. 

She slashed with her blade. 

The good thing with wakizashi, compared to katana, was that the blade was less convex. So, despite it being thinner, it slashed and cut flesh more aggressively. 

Her brain provided her with this information as she neatly beheaded her enemy. The blade barely caught on the spine. Blood splashed her generously in the face, as well as Sasuke, who had retreated but was still close to the Sound nin. Sakura overbalanced slightly after her slash – she’d put too much strength in the blow.

The head fell on the ground with a dull thud, and the now lifeless body followed right after. Sakura felt at peace. She breathed in, deeply, and savoured the feeling of having righted a wrong. She basked in it, in her ability to protect what was hers. The blood was warm on her skin, the birds were chirping, the forest was alive and dangerous and so was she. 

Sasuke made a chocked sound and –

The reality of her actions came all at once. 

There was blood on her face and chest and arms. It was warm and thick. It was everywhere. She was covered in it and she felt – wrong. Sullied. She could smell _death_ on herself. It was there because she’d… – No, she’d just protected her teammate, hadn’t she? She had and she _was_ incredibly satisfied, she was, and it was an intense feeling that left her giddy. But she also felt thoroughly repelled, sick to the stomach. She looked down at her blood-covered chest unseeingly. Had she really…? 

Had she really… Taken a life? 

Why did it feel so wrong? Why did it feel so _good_? 

She was startled back to reality again by the sound of Naruto rushing to them, ready to fight. He took one look at the blood and gore and threw up in a bush. Next to him, Sasuke was pale and trembling slightly but his eyes were alert.

Sakura frowned. She didn’t have time to freak out, her teammates were the priority here. She closed her eyes briefly, and compartmentalised neatly what had just happened. It was still there, but she could detach herself enough that she wouldn’t be too bothered by it. She just had to keep the thoughts at bay.

She cleaned her sword and wiped her bloodied hands on her pants. She went to Naruto then, and rubbed soothing circles on his back while he emptied his stomach. Sasuke stood on his other side with a frown on his face.

« Did they hurt you? » Sasuke asked once Naruto stopped retching. He gave him some water to rinse his mouth and drink. 

« Nah, I’m fine, » he said weakly. « What happened? » 

Sakura let Sasuke fill him in while she searched the dead nin for a scroll. She resolutely didn’t look at his severed neck, nor did she look at the blood pooling around his body. He didn’t have a scroll, and she hesitated for a second before taking the explosive tags and kunai he had in his pouch. 

It felt like she was back in Akasen, it truly did. Everyone was out to get her, and she couldn’t afford to show pity or to be picky. If she didn’t take what this ninja had, someone else would, and they might use it against her.

The only difference was that she wasn’t alone, and for that she felt deeply grateful. 

She went back to her teammates with a small smile on her lips, and found them looking at her with uncertainty. 

« Sakura… » Naruto started weakly. « Did you have to kill him? » He was close to tears. Naruto had a soft heart, and he’d never seen much death. He’d cried in Wave, and now he was about to cry for an enemy again. Sakura didn't understand.

« Naruto, that guy, » she said, gesturing at the body behind her, « he hurt Sasuke. This isn’t a game, other people are here to kill. If we’re not ready to do the same, we’ll end up dead. » She tried to sound confident, but her insides felt like they were melting. And not in a good, happy way. More in a, someone’s-pouring-straight-up-acid-in-your-guts kind of way. It wasn’t a pleasant feeling.

« Yeah but maybe you could have… Knocked him out? » Naruto went on. « I’m glad you guys are OK though. »

Sakura didn’t get it. She’d eliminated a threat, she’d protected her teammates. Why did he look at her like she’d messed up? Why did she feel so anxious she thought she might black out from the stress? Why was everything so complicated? She looked at Sasuke next, and while he didn’t look at her with as much uncertainty as Naruto, there was still something guarded in his eyes. 

Naruto took their hands. Her hand was cold and clammy and his was nice and warm and she hated it. 

« Hey, it’s alright. Let’s get out of here before the rest of his team show up! » He said with forced enthusiasm. It got them moving, and for that Sakura was grateful. She was starting to disconnect, she was with them but she also wasn’t. Her thoughts were far away and she knew, distantly, that she had to stay alert. But she’d –

She’d killed someone to protect her teammates and they’d rejected her for it and it _hurt_. It hurt, it hurt so much, and maybe they’d just been shocked, or maybe they truly hated her because of what she’d done. 

Because she’d killed a person. 

She didn’t know whether they hated her or not and she couldn’t ask because they were trapped in this forest of hell and now wasn’t the time. And she didn’t want to ask because she didn’t know she could live with her boys rejecting her for what she’d done. It was all so unfair and she wanted to cry and curl in a ball and not feel like a mess.

When she came to, they’d stopped between the roots of giant trees for a break. She wasn’t sure where they were, and she tried not to hate herself for getting lost in her own mind. She wasn’t half successful. 

She bit her lower lip and used the pain to try and stay in the present. Good timing, too, as Sasuke started talking.

« Guys, if we get separated again, » he said, « even if it’s one of us that comes back, don’t trust them. It might be an enemy nin again. » 

Sakura hummed. It made sense. « But then, what do we do? How do we recognise one another? » Her voice sounded far away to her own ears.

« We’ll make a codeword just in case, » Sasuke answered. He told them the codeword just once, and it was quite long. Sakura memorised it, of course. She was the top kunoichi of her year after all.

« I’ll hold the scroll, » Sasuke said, getting up. Sakura made to protest, but was interrupted by a giant guff of wind that separated the three of them. _What now_ , she thought, exasperated. She wasn’t in the mood, she truly wasn’t. 

Locating her teammates with her sensing, she went to Sasuke first as he was the closest. She recited the codeword without problem. Then Naruto came back and recited the codeword perfectly as well. 

That was impossible for two reasons. First, Naruto had been too far away to be here so fast. Second, there was no way Naruto could remember something that long. 

Acting fast, Sakura went for a hook to the imposter’s face. The nin evaded her punch and fell on the ground in his rush. 

Sasuke and Sakura looked at him with suspicion. « Who the fuck are you? » She spat. And where had Naruto disappeared again? Sasuke and Sakura adopted fighting stances, as a puff of smoke revealed an androgynous looking person. 

The person taunted them before swallowing their Earth Scroll whole and Sakura felt ill. This was no regular shinobi. Why was it always her team that had the shittiest luck?

They laughed and projected a killing intent so strong Sasuke immediately threw up. The acidic smell had Sakura wrinkle her nose, but she breathed through her mouth and smiled at their enemy.

Another Sakura might have fallen to her knees, completely unresponsive in the face of such KI. Another Sakura might have freaked out so bad she would have been unable to even form coherent thoughts. But this Sakura… This Sakura had dreamed of Zabuza’s KI. She’d dreamt of projecting one just as strong. She’d dreamt of never being weak again. 

And this Sakura had just been traumatised by her first kill and she was just fucking _done_ with this day, done with the fear and anxiety that never seemed to leave her, done with this shinobi who thought they could show up in the middle of their exam when they clearly weren’t a genin. 

So instead of being scared, instead of freaking out, Sakura channelled it all to anger and fury. To this cold, raging fire that seemed to always burn just beneath her skin these days. This Sakura smiled coldly in the face of such a strong opponent, whose cold eyes screamed monsterdangerdeath. 

The shinobi eyed her briefly, with something like morbid curiosity in their black and lifeless eyes, before focusing on Sasuke again. 

No one ever focused on her. She was always the unimportant one.

But maybe just this once it was for the best. This shinobi looked way stronger than they were. And they had creepy eyes, so Sakura didn’t mind passing on the attention this time. The shinobi sent kunai their way, and the Sakura and Sasuke retreated farther away in the roots.

Sakura eyed her teammate critically. He was still shaken by the killing intent. Sighing, she took a step towards him, and flicked him hard in the arm, using chakra to make it hurt. They didn’t have time to be scared, they had to find Naruto and get out of here, quick.

Her teammate snapped out of it and nodded at her once, thankful. 

« Stand guard while I locate Naruto, » she said. « It should only take a few seconds. » 

She closed her eyes to focus on the feeling of nature energy. She searched for Naruto and found him inside a larger being… A snake? At least, he was still alive, but for how long? 

She opened her eyes again when a giant snake attacked them. Sasuke took care of it with shuriken. The snake’s skin cracked and a white, gooey substance escaped. The smell made Sakura gag, but she didn’t let herself get distracted as their enemy slowly pulled themselves out of the snake’s body. It was a disturbing and disgusting sight. 

All Sakura could think in that moment was SnakeSnakeSnake and what Anko had told her about her sensei. Her very, very strong and very, very deranged sensei who’d been a legend before he’d decided to betray the village. Sakura gulped. It was honestly ridiculous, even by Team 7's standards. They were _so_ screwed.

The fight after that went fast. It went the way things always seemed to go for Sakura.

Naruto, Naruto, Naruto.

Naruto came out of nowhere to stop Sasuke from handing their scroll to the crazy snake person. 

Naruto knocked some sense into Sasuke when the latter was so scared for their team he wasn’t thinking straight anymore.

Naruto displayed insane strength and stopped the gigantic snake summon before getting knocked out by the weird person. 

Sasuke, Sasuke, Sasuke. 

Sasuke’s eyes shone red and it was as if he could read all of their enemy’s moves.

Sasuke thought fast and managed to burn the nin in the face, although the face melted to reveal an even more disturbing one. 

Sasuke caught the nin’s interest and they bit him in the neck for it. 

It went the way things always seemed to go for Sakura – her boys fighting and her standing on the sidelines. Throughout the entire fight she could do nothing but watch. 

She watched and watched and she did manage to prevent the weird nin from doing something to Naruto’s stomach – they knocked him out instead. And she managed to snatch Naruto from them right when they reached out for Naruto’s weapon pouch where he’d put their heaven scroll. 

But that was it. 

She watched and watched and watched some more for another opening, but Sasuke and their enemy were fighting fast. And she had never had a good chemistry with Sasuke, fighting together wasn’t something they’d ever done. 

Sakura, Sakura, Sakura.

Sakura was useless. Now both her teammates were unconscious. She was all alone in this fucking Forest of Death. The only reason she was still alive was because the weird pervert – Orochimaru as in Orochimaru of the Sannin they’d said, and honestly what the fuck? – had not given a shit about her.

Her blood was boiling, and tears of frustration and rage burned her cheeks. 

She’d said she wouldn’t be useless anymore, yet here she was, unable to protect what was hers. She’d felt so proud, earlier, when she’d killed that Sound shinobi. She’d felt powerful and – not fucking helpless like a newborn fawn or something equally weak. She was angry and frustrated and she couldn’t even come up with a decent metaphor and it only angered her further.

She wiped her tears. She wouldn’t let her teammates down again. 

* * *

Waking up was a gradual thing. First, she was aware of the chakra around her. She was in a small room with four other people whose chakra signatures she knew by heart. 

Then, sounds. Breathing – not just hers. It was peaceful and deep, two of the four people were asleep or unconscious or faking it. 

Finally, smells. Paint, disinfectant, dog. _Dog_? 

Sakura opened her eyes to Kakashi-sensei petting Pakkun absentmindedly, sat on a chair next to her bed. His eye snapped to hers immediately. Pakkun nodded at her before un-summoning himself. 

Kakashi-sensei sighed slowly through his nose. It sounded relieved, somehow.

« Sakura, I’m glad you’re awake, » he said without his eye-smile. « Report. » 

Sakura blinked. Oh, right, the chuunin exam. 

She tried to sit up. Naruto, Sasuke!? Were they alright, she didn’t know, she had to know!

Kakashi-sensei put a hand on her shoulder and gently pushed her back. It made her realise how much pain she was in. One of her ankles was throbbing slightly. Her ribs felt bruised. Her muscles were screaming like they never had before. Her head hurt too and it was everything she could do not to whimper at the pain. 

« Don’t move, Sakura, you’ve exhausted yourself. Sasuke-kun and Naruto-kun are safe and resting too. You brought them both back in one piece, well done. » 

Sakura let out a relieved breath. She followed her sensei’s pointing finger with her eyes and found her two teammates, sleeping on the other beds in the room. Her relief was so strong she thought for a second she’d cry. 

Kakashi-sensei was still looking at her. 

Right. Report, he’d said. 

« Orochimaru, » she started, but had to stop to cough. Her throat was parched. Kakashi-sensei handed her a glass of water, and she drank in small mouthfuls. Moving her face hurt as it pulled on the scab on her left cheek. She remembered a kunai pressing against her cheekbone, a cruel laugh, hands tight enough to leave bruises on her wrists. 

She repressed the memory, now wasn’t the time. 

She’d been thinking that an awful lot lately, hadn’t she? 

« Orochimaru of the Sannin attacked us during our first day in the Forest of Death, » she said blankly. « He was posing as a Grass nin, but then he revealed a Sound hitai ate. He expressed interest in Sasuke and… » she faltered slightly, recalling the lustful expression on Orochimaru’s face when he’d looked at Sasuke, « …. Uh… Bit him in the neck.» 

« He left a mark there. Sasuke had a big fever after that. Orochimaru tried to do something to Naruto, too, but I didn’t let him. Still the two of them ended up unconscious. » 

She’d been so weak and useless and she hated herself for it and –

« I hid us and trapped the area. But then we were attacked again by a team of Sound nin, although there were only two of them. Ah, that’s ‘cause I killed one of them before Orochimaru attacked us. Anyways, Naruto and Sasuke were still unconscious. So I tried to, uh, defeat the two nin, but they had mean sound techniques. Since they underestimated me, I managed to kill one of them by surprise, but the other took me more seriously after that so I was in trouble. »

She’d thought she’d die. She didn’t say it out loud, she couldn’t, but the memories were there. Close enough that if she blinked for too long, she’d see the kunoichi’s cruel face again. She could almost taste the dirt on her tongue. She could – she couldn’t think about it. She moved on, breathing carefully and focusing on the feel of the rough sheet between her fingers to stay in the moment. 

« Sasuke woke up then, and the mark on his neck expanded. His chakra was different, and he was being dark, even for Sasuke. He snapped one of the kunoichi’s arms and I stopped him ‘cause it didn’t feel like he was being himself. » Well, that was only partially the truth, but Kaka-sensei didn’t need to know that. 

« After that, we took the kunoichi’s scroll – both her teammates were dead anyways. Sasuke fainted again, probably because of the weird chakra. I hid us with a genjutsu so that we wouldn’t be found and I carried both boys to the Tower during the night, ‘cause I thought it’d be safer. Once there, I opened the two scrolls together, and Iruka-sensei appeared. I told him what happened and then… I guess I fainted. »

She closed her eyes briefly. She swore she could smell the stench of burnt flesh. She opened them again. « I think that’s it, sensei. »

Kakashi-sensei ruffled her hair gently, and Sakura didn’t even have the strength to bat his hand away. « Good job, Sakura. I’m proud of you. » 

Sakura frowned. She almost wished she could cry, but it wouldn’t come. She just felt hollow. Sensei had never praised her like that before, but she found his praise hard to believe. She'd done nothing to make him proud.

« But sensei… I just did the bare minimum. When Naruto and Sasuke fought Orochimaru, I couldn’t do anything. » 

She didn’t deserve her sensei’s kindness. She’d been weak. She’d failed her team.

« And, before that, when I killed the first Sound nin… Naruto and Sasuke looked at me like I’d screwed up, but I just wanted to protect them. »

She felt numb and cold and her body was sore and she just wanted to feel fine again. She just wanted to feel _anything_ again.

« Sakura, look at me, » Kakashi-sensei said. Sakura did. 

« You did well. You had an encounter with Orochimaru of the Legendary Sannin and lived to tell the tale. You managed to hide in a hostile environment and carried both your teammates for hours on end. You not only completed the mission, but you also saved both your teammates. You did well. You’ve done plenty, and should be proud of yourself. »

« You put your team first, and I’m proud of you for doing that. So here’s me taking you seriously, OK? » Sakura paid close attention to his words. « Shinobi are killers. Many jobs involve violence, sabotage, murder, when they’re not straight-up assassinations. You know that, don’t you? » 

Sakura nodded. « Good. What is harder to realise is that sometimes it takes more to not kill than to kill. Sometimes, killing your opponent is the easy way out. Sometimes, letting your opponent live is the bravest – and hardest, choice. »

Sakura looked away in shame. So it had been wrong of her to kill that shinobi… Nothing made sense. She’d just tried to protect what was hers…

« Don’t get me wrong, » Kakashi-sensei continued. « I’m not saying you shouldn’t have killed that shinobi. Killing him then meant he was no longer a threat in the future, and in many cases you do have to kill your opponents. What I mean is, killing should never be something you do without considering not killing your opponent. You should be sure you need them dead. Shinobi don’t kill unless they have to, otherwise they’re just murderers. Do you understand? »

Sakura bit her lower lip and flinched at the pain it caused. She tasted copper. Still, she nodded. She’d have to think about it some more, she still wasn’t sure how she felt about what she’d done. 

Her hand twitched. She wished Genma were here, she wanted a hug. She didn’t want to be coddled, she just felt cold and empty and a hug sounded nice about right fucking now.

Kakashi-sensei got up, but Sakura called him back before he made to leave. 

« Hm, do you need something else, Sakura? » He asked. Sakura slowly reached out for his hand. Kakashi-sensei watched while she did so. He didn’t move away so Sakura went through with the motion and took his hand. It wasn’t really warmer than hers, and it was a bit bigger, but not by much. The fabric of his glove was rough, and so was the skin of his fingers. 

Kakashi-sensei turned around to face her. « Do you want me to stay for a bit? » He asked awkwardly. She nodded faintly. 

He rubbed his neck with his free hand. « Do you want to, ah, talk about what happened? » Did she? Her head was a bit of a mess. She didn’t know what to think of what had happened. 

« I don't want to talk about it for now. But later, maybe. » Kakashi-sensei nodded. Sakura shuddered, and her sensei eyed her critically. 

« You’re probably low on sugar. I’ll go get you something to eat… » 

Sakura didn’t say anything, but she didn’t let go of his hand. 

« … Or I have some gross but very filling ration bars in my pocket, » Kakashi-sensei finished softly. Sakura accepted the squashed bars and munched on one with a grimace.

« It tastes like plaster, how the fuck is that even possible, » she said flatly after swallowing carefully. Her ribs didn’t protest too much. 

« Ah, language, Sakura-chan, » Kakashi-sensei admonished. He never called her that anymore, and Sakura couldn’t help but smile faintly. « Maa, do you even know what plaster tastes like? No, these taste like white clay, trust your old sensei on that one. » Did she want to know? Probably not, she reckoned. Her sensei was _so weird_.

But his presence did make her feel a bit better. A bit more like herself. Their banter helped, too. She felt more real than she had ever since they’d started the second stage of the exam. She was still a bit wary of her sensei, and after her teammates’ reactions in the Forest of Death, she felt even more distrustful of others.

Part of her wasn’t looking forward to seeing them again for that matter. She didn’t know how she’d react if they rejected her again. 

But… Kaka-sensei was alright. She hadn’t seen him read his porn ever since she’d first come to his place, and she’d even noticed he’d gotten rid of the books there. And he didn’t lie to her, not anymore. Not on what mattered anyway. He listened to her and – he tried. He was awkward and didn’t seem to know what he was doing most of the time, but at least he cared enough to try. That was enough for her.

After a while, Kakashi-sensei told her about Sasuke’s mark – the Cursed Seal of Heaven. Sakura paled at that. Anko had told her about it, although she’d never showed her hers.

The seal thrived on anger and negativity. While it gave increased abilities, it also corroded the mind of its bearer. Considering how Sasuke was already quite full of darkness, it couldn’t be a good thing. Gods knew Sasuke didn’t need something like that. 

But Kakashi-sensei had done something to block the effects. As long as Sasuke was willing to fight its influence, the Evil Sealing should prevent the Cursed Seal from affecting him. Sakura nodded at the information, already deep in thought. If the Cursed Seal meant power, Sasuke might try to resort to it. There was no telling what would happen then. But she refused to worry about it for now, it was out of her hands.

They stayed silent for a while after that. Sakura clenched and unclenched her hands and was glad to see that her fingers were no longer broken. 

« How long was I out? » She asked eventually. 

« 20 hours, give or take. You had a case of mild chakra exhaustion, on top of physical exhaustion, a sprained ankle, bruised ribs, some broken fingers and shallow lacerations on your arms. A medic nin healed the worst of it, but it’s a miracle you’re awake now. »

Kakashi-sensei paused, and sighed. He’d talked a lot, and Sakura could tell he was getting tired. « Why don’t you rest up, Sakura? Naruto and Sasuke are right here, and nothing will happen to you. There’s a shower just here and food in the common area on the ground floor whenever you feel ready. You still have two days left to rest, enjoy that while you still can. »

Sakura nodded at her sensei. This time she let go of his hand when he got up. He faced her, and ruffled her hair gently. « I’m very proud of you, Sakura. But if you don’t rest now, I _will_ make you run a hundred laps around the village. Understood? » 

He had his threatening eye-smile on, so Sakura could do nothing but nod. « Will you be there when I wake up? » She was reluctant to let him go.

Kakashi-sensei put his hands in his pockets, the picture of nonchalance. He eye-smiled, and it was definitely taunting. « Maa, Sakura, careful or I’ll start thinking you actually enjoy your old sensei’s company. » Sakura pouted. She was the one who was supposed to embarrass Kaka-sensei, not the other way around! 

She sobered when she remembered how weak she still was, how she hadn’t managed to protect her teammates against Orochimaru. How she’d almost lost everything against the other Sound kunoichi. But even if she couldn’t protect them yet, she wanted her precious people to know she cared about them. Because that’s what Kakashi-sensei was to her, wasn’t it? 

Gods, she was starting to sound like Naruto now.

Kakashi-sensei was eyeing her with mild concern and she realised she hadn’t answered yet. She recovered and smiled sweetly. Her sensei hated feelings, and he’d just given her an opening. « Of course I enjoy your company, sensei. You’re one of my most precious people after all. » She said with a bright smile. 

Kaka-sensei’s face went blank and for a second she thought she’d overstepped. Then he turned his head away but she could see how red he’d turned. She smirked, satisfied with the outcome. Kaka-sensei jerkily raised a hand to scratch his neck, but then seemed to think better of it and put his hand back in his pocket. She had completely broken him, and Sakura couldn’t help but laugh.

That seemed to snap Kakashi-sensei out of it. He narrowed his eye and Sakura was pretty sure he was pouting. « Maa, to answer your question, I’m not supposed to be here at all. But then again neither was Orochimaru supposed to attack you in the middle of the chuunin exam. I’m not sure I’ll get to come back, but I’ll try to. »

He looked away again. « I told Genma what happened, but I don’t think he’ll be allowed to come. Ah, you need to update your file, Sakura, you don’t have any emergency contacts. » 

« Thanks for telling him, sensei. » Sakura wasn’t sure what kind of relationship Genma and Kaka-sensei had, but she knew there had been some tensions due to Kakashi-sensei’s poor treatment of her at the beginning. She was glad to see they were doing better. « If you see him again, can you tell him I’m OK? I’ll submit the emergency contact form as soon as the exam is over. I’ll put Genma’s details and yours, if that’s alright. » 

Kaka-sensei sighed. « I’m really stuck with you, pup, aren’t I? » 

« Yup! » Sakura said happily, because he really was. Kakashi-sensei rolled his eye and disappeared in a puff of smoke. 

Sakura let her smile die on her face. She looked at her teammates. Naruto and Sasuke were sleeping soundly. They were safe here, Kaka-sensei had said.

She settled on her bed as comfortably as she could and promptly fell asleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sakura be like I don't need to cope w stuff if I pretend said stuff never happened 
> 
> Naruto is disturbed by the idea of Sakura killing people bc imo he needs to stick to his ideals to stay sane. Like, if he starts being more morally grey, then the whole "i love the village although they all abused me for years and i'll be the strongest ninja to be recognised and to protect all my precious ppl and i'll sacrifice myself for the village if i have to" rhetoric doesn't really work anymore. Sakura is one of his precious ppl and to him she did something "wrong" so it fucks him up a bit, that his precious ppl could not be morally perfect. + If he starts accepting that it's ok to not be selfless and to hold grudges, or that sometimes u can't save everyone and that being a ninja isn't about being a hero anyway, then his whole dream / sense of self doesn't really work anymore ig?
> 
> INO!! WE GET TO SEE INO NEXT CHAPTER!! And Gaara too!! 
> 
> Also I've been listening to the OST of The Last of Us 2. I really like the chill / post-apocalyptic vibe it gives off. It may or may not have influenced the beginning of chapter 11 hahaha (not that i'm done w chapter 11)
> 
> I can't wait to be done with the chuunin exam arc, it really isn't my favorite arc to write ;( I said it would be one or two chapter long but it'll be at least 3 chapters lol
> 
> (Unrelated but I'm sick and today isn't a good day. Please take care y'all <3)
> 
> (@ native English speakers: English is so hard bc it's spoken in so many different places meaning there are lots of variations. In France we're (supposedly) taught British English but the internet is v US-centric and so I never know how to spell words. It's also so difficult to remember which word is American and which one is British. And should I say ground floor??? First floor??? GREY OR GRAY??? The struggle is real) (it's not that important but i like it when things are coherent and my English is NOT)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackmo0nie)  
> [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/blackmo0nie)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura tries to socialize with mixed results.  
> The preliminaries are held.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! Make sure you've read the previous chapter, as I updated twice today :)
> 
> Watch out for the violence / mild torture in the flashbacks in italics. I'll put a short summary of what happens in the flashbacks in the end notes, if ur not sure whether u want to read them. I don't think it's too graphic but I'd rather warn yall
> 
> I forgot to say it in the notes of the last chapter: thanks so much to everyone who comments on this fic! It makes my day every time. I know I take a while to answer, but I do read each and every comment and they honestly make me v happy <3

_« So you’re the bitch that killed Zaku, » the kunoichi spits. « You don’t look like much. What’s with the pink hair, uh? Are you even a shinobi? »_

_Sakura can hear the kunoichi’s nasal voice. She can hear her heart beat in her ears, too loud and too fast. She can hear the wind rustle leaves in the trees, she can hear the forest, alive and dangerous._

_But it doesn’t register, not really. She doesn’t understand a word of what’s coming out of the kunoichi’s mouth. She doesn’t register the cold scrutiny of the other Sound shinobi. She’s here, but mostly she’s not._

_The only thing she does process is that they’re all about to die if she doesn’t find a solution, and quick._

_She – they’re doomed. Team 7, she means. She knows as much, has known for a while. But for Sakura to be the only conscious one when they’re confronted by two enemies… Truly the gods of fortune must hate them._

_Sakura is no assault shinobi. Part of the reason why she wants to specialise in assassination is because she knows she won’t make it far if she tries for front assault. She doesn’t have much chakra, and her taijutsu is not great. It’s not as weak as it used to be, but it’s nothing remarkable. Her stealth, however, got much better. And she’s smart. Sneak attacks, surprise attacks and tactics in general are where she can shine._

_Not in a frontal confrontation with two shinobi who are definitely stronger than her._

_But… She has to try. She swore to protect her team, and she’d rather die trying than die doing nothing._

_Because she’s dead already. Each breath she takes is on burrowed time anyway. She knows it, accepts it._

_Death. What a terrifying thought. Not her own, no, she feels alright with that, everyone dies some day, and maybe she’d care more if she wasn’t so fucking tired of – everything._

_But her teammates. They can’t die on her watch. It’s selfish, she knows, but she’d rather die first. She doesn’t want to see them die – they’re hers. The thought is almost enough to make her break down, but she doesn’t. She can’t. Not yet. Maybe later, maybe never, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that for now she can’t._

_She lets the kunoichi try to get a rise out of her while she plans how to get rid of at least one of them._

_She can’t fail._

« No it’s not, asshole! » 

« You’re going to wake her up, idiot, just shut up already. And I’m right. » 

« No you’re not! You’re an asshole and you have horrible taste, y’know. I can’t believe we’re friends. » 

« That’s because we’re not, idiot. I hate you so much. » 

Sakura woke up to the sound of her two teammates bickering over tomatoes and whether or not they could be used as an ingredient in ramen. She blinked slowly, and she suddenly felt a surge of affection for her sensei. He had to put up with their shit daily, and he was _old_ on top of that. 

Sakura exhaled slowly. She sat up painfully, but neither Naruto nor Sasuke noticed her. They were getting loud now, and it was only a matter of seconds before they’d start brawling. 

« Guys, seriously? » She croaked. Her threatening tone didn’t work very well with her morning voice, and she went for the canteen Kaka-sensei had left next to her bed. She was stopped by the pain in her still tender ribs, and she fell back on her bed with a groan. 

Naruto was next to her immediately, and he handed her the canteen. She smiled gratefully and drank large gulps. 

« You OK, Sakura? » Naruto asked cautiously. Right. Sakura wasn’t in the mood to bit around the bush. She wiped her mouth. 

« I’m fine. » She paused to take a deep breath. « Guys, I want to talk about what happened in the Forest of Death. » Naruto looked conflicted but nodded. He sat on her bed, his chin on his knees. Sasuke sat on the chair Kakashi-sensei had occupied when he’d come. 

« I’m not sorry I killed the Sound nin. He was a threat, and he injured Sasuke. I did what I thought was best for the team. » She sounded more confident than she felt. She refused to look at either of her teammates. 

Naruto put a hand on her sleeved arm. She looked up then. He still seemed conflicted, but he smiled at her. « I think killing isn’t a good thing, y’know. But… But we’re shinobi, and you protected us. It’s not like you killed him without reasons, I guess. » Sakura frowned. Naruto might say that, but he wasn’t looking at her. He looked uncomfortable, still, she sighed inwardly. This was far from over.

« And, thank you for taking care of us both, » Naruto went on. « We wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you, believe it! Thank you so much Sakura! » He had tears in his eyes, now. Sakura looked away.

« But I was useless in that fight against Orochimaru, » she said. 

« You weren’t, you saved Naruto. And Orochimaru was only playing with us anyway, » Sasuke said with a scowl. « Sakura, the idiot has a point. It’s thanks to you we passed. And… » He paused, then, and Sakura looked at him. « Thank you for stopping me. » He was looking so earnest. He didn’t know, he didn’t know that she hadn’t done it to be _nice_ or something. Of course, she'd been worried a his uncharacteristic behaviour, but it hadn't been the only thing on her mind. Oh, how she hated that he was thankful for the wrong thing. 

Sakura looked at her teammates, who were both grateful because of what she’d done. Part of her was relieved – they would be OK, she reckoned. But another, tiny part of her insisted her teammates didn’t understand her. Didn’t want her anymore after what she’d done. She frowned and looked down at her clenched hands. She couldn’t fight the tears this time, and Naruto and Sasuke stayed with her as she weeped silently. Their presence eased some of her worries, but the traitorous voice at the back of her mind prevented her from completely relaxing. 

When she finally stopped crying, Naruto handed her some food. 

« You’ve got to regain some strength, y’know! » He said with a small smile. He had a point – there was the whole chakra exhaustion thing, and her muscles were still protesting against any sort of movements. 

* * *

_The first shinobi is down and Sakura’s hands – covered in a fresh layer of gore – are trembling. Her entire body is. There’s smoke in the air still and Sakura can’t ignore the fact that part of it is from burnt flesh. But it’s not enough to obscure the other kunoichi’s eyes. She’s looking at her with something much, much more cruel than earlier in her eyes._

_Sakura gulps. She’s not scared, she’s not! It’s just… She hasn’t slept at all last night, she couldn’t, not while her teammates were unconscious. She’s used to getting little sleep, but the adrenaline from the events of yesterday and her first night alone in the Forest of Death has left her exhausted._

_And carrying both Naruto and Sasuke certainly didn’t help. Her chakra levels are dangerously low, and her muscles are stiff with lactic acid. She can move just fine, but everything hurts._

_« I’m going to enjoy hurting you, bitch, » the kunoichi says with a deranged grin. Sakura knows grins like this one. She’s seen them on some dangerous people in Akasen. The kind even the Green Spirits didn’t mess around with. It reminds her of Orochimaru, too, and she can’t help but shiver._

_The kunoichi in front of her doesn’t want to kill her, no. She wants to make her_ suffer _._

Sakura woke up with a gasp on the morning of the last stage of the chuunin exam. 

She whimpered in panic. She couldn’t protect her teammates, they would all die and it would be her fault –

A warm hand gently patted her arm. She opened her eyes frantically, hadn’t realised she’d closed them again and – 

Blue eyes, blue like the sky but darkened with worry. Sakura let out a shaky breath. She was in their room in the Tower, she was safe, no one could hurt them here – she had to believe as much or she’d go insane. 

She put her hand on Naruto’s, squeezed once briefly and let go. « Nightmare? » Naruto whispered. 

Sakura nodded. « Sorry I woke you up, » she whispered back with a wince. They needed all the rest they could get for the tournament. Naruto smiled tightly at her and shrugged to let her know it was alright. 

Things weren’t tense exactly, between Naruto and Sakura, but there was this sort of… distance between them now. It hurt Sakura more than she cared to admit, but there was nothing she could do about it. Naruto may have thanked her for protecting them, but he was yet to come to terms with the fact that she’d killed someone. Sakura sighed. She hoped he’d get there eventually. They were _shinobi_ for fuck’s sake, she didn't understand why he was clinging to his ideals the way he was. But she was determined to be patient with him. Naruto was her friend, and she cared about him deeply.

Naruto went back to his bed and it didn’t take him long to fall back asleep. Sakura knew she wouldn’t get any more sleep, and she decided to sneak out of the room instead. She headed for the common area for the first time since she’d arrived. She hadn’t felt good enough to go down before, and the boys had been more than happy to bring her food. 

She found the room in which she’d arrived, a big, empty meeting room of sorts, and decided to stretch and go through her kata. She knew that she wouldn’t stand much of a chance in the tournament, considering her muscles were still sore and her chakra lower than usual, but she wouldn’t go down without a fight. At least, her ankle didn’t bother her much. Her ribs were still tender but not so tender that it made her completely stiff. 

After an hour or so, she stretched again, and after a bit of exploration she found the mess. She was surprised to see there was already someone there, considering it wasn’t even 6 am. She picked up some food, and considered her options. 

She could sit alone, which was the safest course of action but also meant her thoughts might cycle back to her nightmare. Or she could go sit with the foreign nin, find out more about them and the other teams that passed, but also risk giving away information on her and her team.

She decided it’d be worth it, and sat with determination in front of the Suna nin, according to his hitai ate. 

« Hi, I’m Sakura. What’s your name? » She didn’t use her fake, cheery voice, and settled instead for her more honest blank tone. She didn’t have it in her to put on an act, she was too tired and numb for that right now.

The Suna nin blinked at her. There was something unsettling about him. Sakura wasn’t sure if it was the lack of eyebrows and pupils, the « love » kanji tattoo, the black makeup, the blood red hair (which looked really soft), the completely blank expression on his face or the barely repressed killing intent the nin seemed to project at all time that did it, but she decided that person was not to be pissed off. Part of her wanted to flee immediately, and part of her couldn’t help but feel a strong surge of morbid curiosity. 

The Suna nin considered her blankly. « Gaara, » he said after a while. _Oh_ , Sakura thought, _he’s the son of the Kazekage_. All the more reason not to mess with him. And yet…

« Do you know which teams passed the second phase? » She asked. Maybe she could have been a bit less direct, judging from the unimpressed look Gaara shot her. 

« I’ll give you information on the third stage in exchange, » she offered. 

« I already know what it’ll be, » he answered flatly. 

Sakura bit her lip. He was driving a hard bargain. She would not give him information on her fellow Konoha shinobi, but there were other information she was willing to give. She started eating her rice as she contemplated what she could say.

« I can give you information on why the security is tight as fuck in the building, » she whispered, covering her mouth by pretending to wipe it, in case there were ANBU around who could read her lips. 

Gaara considered her some more. The way he looked at her was still unnerving, but Gaara was about her age. He couldn’t hurt her like Orochimaru could have in the Forest. 

Sakura finished her rice and miso soup under Gaara’s unwavering gaze. 

« There are four Konoha teams, other than yours. There is a team from Grass, and then there is my team. » 

Sakura frowned. That was a lot of Konoha teams. She nodded, then rubbed her eyes while answering in a low whisper: « a powerful missing nin attacked a genin team in the Forest of Death. The missing nin is still, uh, missing, and they might attack again. » 

Gaara’s only reaction was to blink. Now that they’d exchanged information, Sakura was in the mood to talk. She hadn’t had a light-hearted conversation with anyone who wasn’t Team 7 in a while. And making friends with the scary guy might be a good idea, in case he decided to do something about his obvious bloodlust in the future.

« So, Gaara, how do you like Konoha so far? » She asked with a tentative smile. 

Gaara frowned, which looked a bit weird considering he didn’t have eyebrows. « Why are you still talking to me? You have what you came for. Do you have no survival instincts? »

« I just want to talk, is that so weird? » She said with a huff.

« Shut up. » Gaara said coldly, unleashing a bit of his KI. It wasn’t like Orochimaru’s. Gaara’s KI was pure bloodlust and rage. 

Sakura smiled. Maybe she _had_ a death wish, or some self-destructive issues at the very least. But she was fairly certain there were ANBU in the room, and there were security cameras as well. Gaara wouldn’t get away with killing her here, and he looked like he knew it as well. 

« Geez, » she said with a chuckle. « Way to be an asshole. If you don’t want to talk to me, just fucking say so. »

She started munching on her apple, and Gaara stared at her. He had the faintest micro expressions Sakura had ever seen, but she was pretty sure there was a bit of incredulity in the minute widening of his eyes. 

« I _will_ kill you, » he said, and Sakura understood what he meant. He wouldn’t kill her right now, but he was warning her that he would probably try to off her some day. Gods, this dude had issues. 

« Good for you, » she said with a feral smile after swallowing the last bit of her apple. She stood up, not willing to test how much control Gaara had over his killing urges. She waved at him and walked away as quickly as she could without looking like she was running away. Her hands were trembling as she grabbed some food for her teammates before leaving the mess without looking back. Once in the staircase, she checked that no one was around and promptly sat against the wall. She started laughing hysterically, because it was either that or she would start sobbing. 

She calmed down, but it took her a while to get her breathing under control. What was _wrong_ with her? Her impulse control was nonexistent. It had always been rather bad, both as Inner and Outer. It was probably how Inner had ended up as the Green Spirit. Outer’s impulses had been balanced by her unwillingness to go against the rules, but now…

Now that she was a proper shinobi, now that she’d experienced the adrenaline of a fight, now that she’d escaped death a couple of times, she found that she couldn’t quite convince herself that she shouldn’t do stupid shit just for the hell of it. The adrenaline made her feel less hollow, it made her feel alive. Which didn’t sound like a healthy way of dealing with things, but oh well.

She bit her lower lip. She’d have to find ways to control herself better than that, or she’d get herself killed stupidly. 

Once back in their room, Sakura found that both Naruto and Sasuke were awake. « Morning! I brought you guys food! » She said happily. 

They sat on the floor, Sakura against her bed and her two teammates in front of her. 

« You OK, Sakura? » Naruto asked. Sakura flashed him a smile that was mostly not fake, and nodded. She felt much better. 

  
_Sakura screams when the kunoichi breaks her first finger. It makes the kunoichi on her back laugh and Sakura wants – needs – to kill her, to destroy her, but –_

_But she’s on her stomach, her face in the dirt, at the mercy of the older girl. She thrashes but the kunoichi doesn’t bulge._

_« Shh, don’t make so much noise, bitch. » She says with a tender voice. Sakura bits through her lower lip as she tries to muffle her cries when the other breaks another finger. Sakura hears shuffling, and then she feels cold metal against her skin._

_« They really let anyone become a shinobi in this joke of a village. Look at you, with your pretty, unblemished skin. I’ll help you look more like an actual shinobi. »_

_Sakura can hear the smile in the other’s voice, and her body starts trembling against her will. She can barely breathe, the pain suffocates her as the kunoichi cuts her arms._

_The kunoichi sighs. « You know, we just wanted to test your teammate’s abilities. But he’s knocked out right now and Orochimaru-sama’s not going to be happy. And that’s on you, bitch. »_

_The kunoichi caresses Sakura’s cheek and Sakura shudders. « It’s alright. I’ll play a little, then I’ll kill your teammates. I’ll break your legs so you can’t move, I want you to watch them die. Then I’ll kill you, » she finishes happily. Sakura can’t even find it in her to cry anymore. If she started crying, she’d break completely, and she can’t. She can’t. She has to keep it together, she’ll find an opening, she will._

_The kunoichi presses the tip of her kunai against Sakura’s cheekbone, just underneath her eye. She presses until it breaks skin. Sakura screams when the weapon slowly goes down her face, the pain almost making her black out. After an hour or a second or a year the blade finally stops just before her jaw._

Team 7 was a bit early to the meeting, yet all the other teams were there already. Sakura waved at Gaara, who stared back while Naruto and Sasuke shifted uncomfortably beside her. 

Sakura turned around when she felt eyes on her. 

Ash blond hair, fair skin, light blue-green eyes, purple clothes. 

Ino.

Sakura couldn’t help but wince. She hadn’t thought much about Ino, mostly because it was an easy subject to ignore. She hadn’t seen the other since coming back from Wave, even by accident. And she’d had other things to worry about.

But now that Ino was in front of her, Sakura didn’t know what to do. She wasn’t the Sakura who used to bicker with her and trade insults and have a rivalry over Sasuke anymore. Sakura admired Ino and liked her as a person. She missed her as a friend, but she wasn’t sure they _could_ be friends again. 

Ino was staring at her, her mouth open in shock. Right. Sakura hadn’t checked her reflection since arriving at the Tower, but she knew what she’d find. Short and uneven pink hair, pale face and bruises under her eyes from the lack of sleep, light brown skin with freckles and cuts and scabs everywhere. Black, ragged clothes that weren’t anything near shinobi quality and it showed. And an ugly scab on the left side of her face. At least, it was less swollen now that she could clean the wound properly.

Sakura smiled tentatively. Ino stiffened. Sakura had been the one to break their friendship, she’d be the one to try and make amends, she decided.

She nodded at her teammates and approached her former best friend. « Hi Ino, » she said with a tight smile. 

« Forehead! What happened to you?! » Ino answered with both her hands on her hips. She had a scowl firmly in place, and her body language said she wasn’t particularly happy.

Sakura shrugged. « I started taking being a shinobi a bit more seriously. » 

« But your _hair_! And that thing on your face! You’re so ugly right now, there’s no way Sasuke will even look at you. Are you so desperate about your appearance that you’ve given up on him? » Ino said with a huff. 

Sakura’s hands were getting clammy. She didn’t want to mess this up, she didn’t want to lose Ino again. Anxiety was a roaring beast in her chest. She bit her lower lip, using the pain of the barely healed wound to ground herself. « Ah, I don’t care about Sasuke like that anymore, » she admitted with an awkward laugh. Ino looked at her incredulously. Fuck this, Sakura thought. She would blame her poor impulse control, but she had to hurry, she didn’t have the time to pretend to be someone she wasn’t anymore. 

« Look, Ino, you used to be my best friend. I was an idiot and ruined it all, I’m so sorry. I think you’re cool and I admire you a lot and fuck, I don’t want to have this stupid rivalry between us when we could be friends. I miss you. So, uh, do you want to be friends again? » 

« Wow, Billboard Brow, slow down. What happened to you anyway? » Ino asked with a deep frown on her face. Sakura gulped. « It’s not important, » Sakura said.

Ino crossed her arms, and look at Sakura intently. What was it with people staring at her today?! 

Eventually, Ino uncrossed her arms and reached for Sakura. The latter expected a hug, or something of the sort, but she got a slap instead. Sakura blinked. She had not expected that. She raised a hand to her cheek, and looked back to Ino with uncertainty and a bit of anger. At least she hadn’t slapped her injured cheek.

Sakura wanted to be friends again, she did, but she would not be disrespected. No matter how much she hated herself for ruining their friendship. 

« The fuck, Ino, » she said blankly. She wasn’t sure how to react. Meanwhile, Ino’s teammates took a step toward them, a silent show of support. Sakura scowled at the sight. 

Ino raised an eyebrow. But Sakura could see the worry in her eyes, she knew Ino too well to be fooled. « If you think you can just come to me and expect us to be friends again after your half-assed apologies, then you’re dreaming, Forehead. You say you want to be friends, but you just refused to tell me what happened to you. And don’t say it’s not important. You look like _shit_. You should know better. » 

Sakura glared, then looked away and sighed. Ino was right. But she didn’t want to talk now, it wasn’t the place anyway. 

« I understand, » Sakura said. She frowned at the ground. How could she let things get this bad between Ino and her? How could she abandon her friend for something as stupid as a crush to begin with? A wave of self-hatred hit her. 

She breathed in and out. She swallowed thickly and licked her lips. « Maybe we can talk about this after the chuunin exam, if that’s fine with you. » Sakura didn’t meet Ino’s eyes. She was tired of this conversation.

Still, she had another point to make before she could go, so she took a step forward and invaded Ino’s space. She channelled all the anger that seemed to inhabit her lately and looked Ino in the eyes. « But this is the last time I let you punch me without fighting back. Yeah? »

Ino pushed her back, and smirked. « Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Billboard Brow. » Sakura smirked back. They were not OK, but they might be, eventually. 

Sakura hurried back to her teammates just as the Hokage made his entrance. He explained the rules of the tournament, and Sakura tuned him out completely. 

_Sakura’d closed her eyes when she’d felt the cold metal of the kunai on her face. But even in her distressed state, she can feel the weird, distorted chakra coming off in waves from where her teammates are. It doesn’t feel like Naruto’s chakra on the bridge in Wave. It doesn’t feel like Sasuke’s chakra. It’s just – weird, unnatural, but she isn’t sure how so._

_The kunoichi on her back is still talking, and gods, will she shut the fuck up already? She can’t be much of a sensor, if she doesn’t feel the chakra in the air._

_Sakura doesn’t have much time to ponder on it, as the kunoichi is yanked from her back._

_« I’ll kill you, » says a voice that is almost like Sasuke’s, except not. Sakura gets on all fours as fast as she can manage, her ribs painfully throbbing all the while._

_The person looks like Sasuke in the way a wolf looks like a dog. It’s the same general idea, but something went very ~~wrong~~ differently at some point. Sakura spent years ~~stalking~~ observing Sasuke, and the differences are obvious. Not just in his appearance, but in the way he carries himself. _

_Sasuke pins the kunoichi on the ground and easily dislocates one of her shoulders. The kunoichi screams, and Sakura doesn’t know if she wants to laugh or cry. The only thing she’s sure about is that something is very wrong with Sasuke, and that the kunoichi is_ her _prey._

_She painfully gets to her feet, and grabs Sasuke’s with her good hand. « Stop, » she says firmly. « I’m fine. Let’s take her scroll and get out of here. »_

_Sasuke looks at her with cold eyes, but soon enough he starts trembling. The weird chakra is interfering with his own chakra system, and Sakura knows he doesn’t have long before he’ll fall unconscious again. She grabs the kunoichi by the hair (she wants her dead she wants her to suffer she – ) and slams her head harshly against the ground. Sakura doesn’t care if she knocked her out or killed her. It doesn’t matter. Sasuke, behind her, is breathing hard, and she barely manages to catch his head before it hits the ground. She lies him down and goes back to the kunoichi. She retrieves the scroll, bandages her broken fingers as best as she can and carries Sasuke back to where Naruto is. She feels numb and wrong and weirdly calm and she has to take care of her teammates. She’s cold and relieved and scared. She thought she’d die and can’t believe she hasn’t. She starts laughing, a broken laugh that hurts her ribs, and it takes her a long time to calm down._

_When she does, she moves them until she deems them far enough. She casts one of the few genjustu Genma taught her – the False Surroundings genjutsu, and falls in a half unconscious state._

A guy named Kabuto gave up – Sakura thought it was weird but she didn't really care. Then the preliminaries started. Sasuke won his match against another Konoha genin. Shino won against a genin from Kusa. A genin from Suna won against another Konoha genin. 

It went on and on and Sakura struggled to stay present. Her mind kept replaying events from the Forest of Death. These fights, in comparison, felt almost childish. None of the genin hurt the other for the sheer joy they got out of it. It was – too clean. Shinobi fights weren’t meant to be like that. Or were they? She forced her mind to at least half register the fights, so that she could go back to the memories later. If she passed the preliminaries, she’d need all the information she could get on her potential opponents.

Sakura remembered Sabi’s words. The last stage was a show. It was all fake. It hadn’t sat right with her before, and now she felt sick. Now that she’d been toyed with, now that she’d seen how merciless shinobi could be, this just felt like a twisted joke. 

Then came Sakura’s turn to fight. _Sakura vs. Yamanaka Ino_ , the board said. Oh, and wasn’t that the funniest thing? The two former best friends in a fight, and only one of them would be allowed to proceed with the exam. And, Sakura couldn’t help but think about the fact that there weren’t many kunoichi to begin with. Now one more wouldn’t make it to chuunin this exam.

Sakura made her way towards the stage. She knew she was in bad shape, but she also knew Ino had just arrived at the Tower. She looked exhausted too, and probably had gotten very little rest. Sakura needed to strike strong and fast. Easier said than done, though. 

Sakura was once again facing Ino. Fate really was a bitch. She hadn’t seen Ino in months, and now she was facing her for the second time in, like, two hours. Her heart hurt and she felt too hot and her skin was too tight and Ino was right here but they weren’t friends. They weren’t even rivals anymore. _Ugh_.

Sakura tuned back to what was happening instead of losing herself in her head. Ino was trying to taunt her, but Sakura had zoned out for a solid minute and Ino was getting frustrated. The proctor coughed – for real or to hide a laugh, Sakura couldn’t tell, and gave the go.

 _Shit_. Sakura had been too busy contemplating her non-relationship with Ino to even start forming a plan. For a second, neither moved. Then Sakura surged forward and the two engaged in a taijutsu bout.

Ino could use the Mind Body Switch technique, and if she did, there was no way Sakura would win this match. She had to avoid that at all cost. Ino had been better than her in taijutsu at the Academy, but it looked like she hadn’t improved much. On the contrary, Sakura had improved by leaps and bounds. But not enough that she could easily win this, not in her current state. Her muscles had barely recovered enough for this, she couldn’t even think about kenjutsu right now. Her chakra was still low, and she didn’t have any useful ninjustu anyway. 

Sakura let out a frustrated groan as Ino blocked another one of her tired punches. She knew the fight had to be boring for those watching – neither of them were in top condition, and their taijutsu was sloppy. She had no idea how to win this. 

« Come on, Ino, » Sakura said. She was getting tired, her ribs ached and her breathing was laboured already. She needed to end this. « Let’s give them a good show. We’re real shinobi now, this isn’t the Academy anymore. » 

Ino seemed to hesitate, and Sakura aimed for her temple. Ino evaded at the last second, and she managed to punch Sakura in the jaw. Then she retreated just enough to cast her clan’s jutsu.

_Fuck_.

  
Sakura was here, but she also wasn’t. She was aware of Ino’s presence in her mind, taking control of her body and –

And it was familiar, wasn’t it? Like when it had been both Inner and Outer and –

And it was wrong, so wrong, because she’d fought hard to be one in this body and this was an intruder and –

It hurt it hurt it hurt she had to push the presence to make it go away and –

She was tired of always being helpless, of always being pushed around and –

She pushed with everything she had and –

She heard herself scream, and for a moment she was blinded by the pain. Her head hurt so, so much, like it was splitting in half. Where was she…?

Another scream, a familiar voice… Ino? 

Her senses came back in a rush, she felt the chakra of many people around her, watching her, judging her. The stunned silence of people holding their breaths. The smell of sweat and blood and pain. 

Plop. 

Plop. 

Plop. 

She wiped her bleeding nose. Ino came back to herself, looking horrified, calling Sakura a monster. Sakura ignored her. Ino was the one with the freak show mental torture jutsu, she didn’t get to say shit about Sakura’s mind. 

She had to focus. She didn’t have much time, she knew she barely had any energy left. At least, Ino looked as exhausted as she felt.

That was when inspiration stroke her half-delirious brain. That Suna nin… Kankurou? His fighting style hadn’t been anything she’d ever seen before. She blinked, not giving away anything, and unhooked her sheathed wakizashi from her hip. She didn’t know if it would work. She barely had any chakra left, and she’d never tried what she was about to do. 

She knew the theory, though. She’d read about it, once. And she’d seen it in action. She had to try, she had to. It was her last move. 

She threw her sheathed wakizashi, aiming for Ino’s head. Ino evaded it easily, smirking at the seemingly desperate move. The wakizashi flew past her head. Sweat was trickling down Sakura’s temples.

Now or never. 

Sakura closed her right hand, and brought her fist toward her forearm. 

The wakizashi came back and the handle hit Ino hard, in the soft part of her neck. 

Sakura allowed herself a relieved sigh as Ino’s eyes instantly glazed over. She used the last of her energy to catch her former friend before she could collapse face first. She lowered her carefully on the floor, grimacing at the pain in her ribs. 

« Winner, Sakura! » 

Sakura could barely hear the cheering that followed the statement. She located her sensei’s spiky hair, and one step after the other, she slowly made her way towards him. She barely had time to smirk at him before she lost the fight against her body.

Everything went dark. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the flashbacks we see Sakura's confrontation with the two genin team from Sound. Sakura manages to kill one of them, but the kunoichi from Sound overpowers her. She enjoys hurting Sakura for a bit, then Sasuke wakes up. With the Cursed Seal's strength, he easily subdues the kunoichi. Sakura knocks her out and takes her scroll, while Sasuke faints again.
> 
> So. Ino and Sakura. Ino is sooo shocked to see Sakura again. Imagine you don't see your bff/rival for a few months and when you meet again she looks like another person entirely?? Obviously she's super worried about Sakura, but she's not sure how to handle this new Sakura. 
> 
> On her calling Sakura a monster: in canon she calls Sakura that when she realises she has two minds (I mean... it _is_ quite uncommon lol). I'm not sure what Ino sees in this fic yet, maybe I'll develop that later. BUT, the point is, Sakura's mind isn't your typical mind. If you represent the mind as a sphere, this Sakura's mind would be two spheres poorly merged together, with cracks and stuff. Idk. 
> 
> Early-canon Gaara is fun to write bc he only has like two moods when dealing w people: "I don't give a shit" and "Mother told me to kill you and I do feel like doing just that". 
> 
> Do you guys have music that helps you cope when you feel like shit? At some point in my life I was in a looooot of pain and [this mix](https://youtu.be/SpotBugZv0I) helped me go through the days. I listen to it whenever I'm feeling poorly now, and it helps put things into perspective. It soothes me like nothing else. If you have soothing music recommendations, I'm all ears haha (I'm currently listening to this mix & joji's latest album)
> 
> Stay hydrated in these trying times <3
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackmo0nie)  
> [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/blackmo0nie)


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter involves an ungodly number of rats. Gaara, Anko, Genma and Kakashi too. But not necessarily in that order.  
> Sakura finds out the hard way that sleep deprivation can lead to poor decision-making.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! _Bonjour!_ I'm back! This chapter is a lot, but I really like it!! Especially the v beginning, before Sakura wakes up.  
> (just checked and the chapter's 9.4k long. Ugh. Enjoy??)  
> No violence in this chapter. Just Sakura & co + rats. God, so many rats.  
> Also Jiraiya is his own warning ;(  
> This chapter is maybe a bit spooky?? Coz it's Halloween soon lol.  
> Also thanks for the comments on the last chapter, I'll answer v soon! Take care!

_« Wake up. »_

She was in a cave. It was dark, pitch black, except for a bright hole in the ground. 

_« Wake up. »_

A beam of purple light escaped from the hole. It didn’t illuminate the cave, it only made the darkness starker in contrast. There was water, somewhere, she could hear soft plops in the distance.

_« Wake up. »_

Suddenly, a hissing sound. She knew that sound, but gods how she wished she didn’t. She couldn’t see in the darkness, not really, but the hissing was getting closer and closer. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t move. She couldn’t fucking move. 

_« Wake up. »_

Dark green scales reflected the purple light. The undulations of the gigantic snake had a sensual quality to them. All she could feel was unadulterated terror. The snake paused. 

_« Wake up! »_

Cold, neon light illuminated the cave. The same kind of light there was in the sewers. It was no comfort here. She could see the walls now, an almost frail-looking chalk formation. The snake slightly opened its gigantic mouth and two white hands escaped. They forcibly opened the mouth and a head appeared. The person slowly pulled themselves out of the snake and took the time to rearrange their clothes. They were close, so close to Sakura. Their skin was pale, terribly pale in the cruel light. They had red, delicate lips and long silky black hair, and they looked like a painting. They were a beautiful and disturbing sight. 

Then they had Sakura’s jaw in a bruising grip. Orochimaru’s yellow eyes – perfectly contrasted by purple eyeshadow – looked at her hungrily. « Hello, child, » he (they?) said. 

_« Sakura wake up! »_

Sakura woke up with a gasp. She was trembling hard. Tears escaped her eyes and she could do nothing to stop them. Her head hurt, it hurt so fucking bad. Orochimaru’s empty eyes had been on her, and she felt sullied. She couldn’t breathe, not when Orochimaru was here and could hurt her –

« Sakura! » 

She knew this voice. It wasn’t Orochimaru’s sweet tone. She knew this voice. It didn’t sound like a snake, maybe it was the water talking. But water didn’t talk, did it? Someone was talking to her. Sakura, they said, that was her name. She was Sakura… A shinobi of the Leaf. ID number 37-199757. Genin. Jounin sensei: Hatake Kakashi.

Kakashi… was it a scarecrow talking to her? But there was no straw in the cave. And humidity couldn’t be good for a scarecrow. 

The water was gone. She couldn’t hear it anymore. She could hear her heart beat, and she counted the beats. Her sensei wasn’t a scarecrow, and even if he was, he would be fine. The water was gone.

It wasn’t her sensei talking. It was… A star. 

_Alpha Coronae Borealis is an eclipsing binary star in the constellation of Corona Borealis._

Genma?   
  
Sakura slowly lowered her hands from where she’d had a tight grip on her hair. She hadn't realised she'd sat up. She opened her eyes. 

Brown and warm and so much worry. She knew these eyes, she knew them, and they weren’t yellow so it was safe. « Genma, » she said, and it was barely above a whisper. She reached for him, and Genma understood – because Genma always understood, or when he didn’t he asked and listened, and then he understood, and he was safe – and hugged her gently. 

« Hey there Squirrel, » he said. « You’re fine, you’re in Konoha general hospital, both your teammates are alright. You’ve been unconscious for six hours, and it’s around six pm now. It was just a nightmare, you’re alright. » 

Sakura nodded. She breathed in deeply, allowing herself to find solace in Genma’s scent. She’d missed him so much. 

« I’m so happy to see you, Genma, » she said eventually, separating herself from him. She tried to smile at him but she didn’t really succeed. Genma smiled warmly and sat on the chair next to her bed. 

« How do you feel? » He asked. 

« Like shit, » she said flatly and Genma laughed. She stared blankly at him. « I’ve just missed you, kid, that’s all. » 

Sakura tried another smile and it came more easily this time. « And I’m so proud of you for qualifying for the finals! » Genma went on. « You’re gonna kick ass, squirrel. I can’t wait to see that, » he said with a smirk. Sakura felt warm at the comment. Genma was always supportive, and she was grateful for his presence in her life.

« Genma, I have a question, and I really, really need a straight answer, » she said, looking down at her hands. She hadn’t talked about this with Kakashi-sensei. She’d told him a lot, so much, really, and she’d been too tired to tackle _that_. But it’d been eating away at her, and if she kept it on her mind much longer it’d suffocate her completely. 

« Shoot, » Genma said with no hesitation. 

« OK. Please listen to the whole thing before you react? » She said, looking at him with pleading eyes. Genma agreed easily. 

« OK, » she said. She swallowed, licked her lips. « OK, » she repeated, because it was fucking hard to get it out. Maybe it was stupid. Maybe she was stupid. Maybe it was another thing civilian-born shinobi didn’t know about but all clan kids did and she was the only one left in the dark and –

Genma took her hand, interrupting her in her spiralling thoughts. « It’s alright, Sakura. You don’t have to talk about it now. I’m here in any case, I’m not going anywhere. » 

Sakura nodded. She knew as much. She breathed in and out. « It’s stupid, » she started.

« No, it’s not, » Genma replied immediately. Sakura glared weakly at him. She looked back at her hands. « It’s just that… When I was in the Forest of Death, there was this kunoichi. I don’t know how much you already know, but at this point both Sasuke and Naruto were knocked out. And these two shinobi came looking for trouble, ‘cause I killed their third teammate and they worked for the creepy snake bastard ‘oh look at me my hair is so lush and I like to bite preteens in the neck’. » 

Genma bit back a smile at her antics, and Sakura relaxed a bit. Gods she’d missed Genma. « I’d taken some explosive tags from their third teammate, the one I killed first, and I managed to explode unknown shinobi number two. » She paused, then. _Hm_. Was looting the dead frowned upon amongst shinobi? Genma didn’t look perturbed, so she went on.

« The kunoichi was, uh, quite unhappy at that point, and she obviously went all murderous on me. I went all murderous on her too, except I was out of steam and honestly ready to collapse at any point. » 

Sakura stopped again and closed her eyes for a second. Genma squeezed her hand. She smiled, still not looking at him, and went on: « Yeah, so she went more murderous on me than I did on her and I ended up pinned on the ground. And she… She didn’t just want to kill me, Genma. She wanted to hurt me and it made her laugh when she broke my fingers one by one and then… » 

Sakura swallowed, and raised her free hand to the scab on her face. « And then she branded me. Called me a bitch, too. And… I guess, my question is, is it normal for shinobi to enjoy hurting others? Like, I enjoy fighting, and killing is, uh, disturbing but sometimes you don’t have a choice. But… I don’t know, I don’t think I can enjoy it like the kunoichi did. » She paused, then, and added in a small voice. « I don’t think I want to either. » 

Genma was usually a good-natured person. He was easy-going, didn’t pry, and was always ready to lend an ear. He had many qualities that made him well-liked by most. 

But Genma was also an assassin and one of the best, too, and when Kakashi’d told him what had happened to Team 7 in the Forest of Death, it’d been hard not to sprint there right then and murder all the people who’d dared lay a finger on his favourite squirrel. 

And now his kid was all beaten up and shaken and tired. His kid, who’d never looked this small, was telling him she’d been tortured by a sadistic asshole, and she was wondering if there was something wrong with _her_. He hated that she’d had to go through this. He hated that she’d gone through it alone, too. She was only a genin, genin weren’t supposed to experience _this_. 

Genma sighed. Sakura had many, many issues, and as soon as this was over, he was taking her to therapy. But for now, he just wanted her to know she wasn’t alone anymore, that she was fine. 

« That kunoichi wasn’t ‘normal’, Sakura. It’s called torture, _you_ were tortured by her, and torture’s not something most people enjoy doing. Shinobi morals are all kinds of grey, but taking joy from hurting others is still generally frowned upon. You don’t have to like it. Hell, I work at T&I and I don’t like it. » He paused, gauging her reaction. She was alert, and frowning slightly. Her green eyes were blank though, not betraying a thing.

« Some shinobi specialise in information extraction. Torture can be a tool for that. Sadism is when you get pleasure from inflicting pain in others. It’s not well-regarded in Konoha, but you should know that other villages reward this tendency. » He sighed, deeply. « I’m sorry you went through this. I’m so sorry, squirrel. » 

Sakura nodded. Poor kid looked shaken, still, and Genma gently put a hand on the back of her head. He guided her head so that it rested against his chest, and kissed the top of her head. She was a shinobi; Genma knew he couldn’t protect her from the worst of this world. It didn’t mean he couldn’t offer comfort, though.

Kakashi showed up some time later. Genma eyed him warily. Kakashi was the source of many of his headaches these days. 

On the one hand, he still resented him a fair bit for being a bad sensei to Sakura. Genin sensei were important, they shaped the fate of their genin dramatically. Ignoring Sakura was basically sending her to her death without a care in the world. 

On the other hand, Kakashi had changed. And he’d given him news on what had happened in the Forest of Death, and he had had no reason to do that except not being an asshole for once. And Sakura seemed to not resent Kakashi too much for his behaviour in the first months of Team 7, so Genma was trying to do the same.

And if he were being completely honest with himself, Genma would admit that Kakashi was just his brand of fun – a twisted sense of humour, sharp wits, strong enough to murder him in less than a second, fun to spar with, very low commitment, and a great ass. 

Kakashi had the finest ass in all of the Fire Nation. 

But Genma didn’t like to be completely honest with himself most days, so he repressed his thoughts and went back to eyeing Kakashi warily.

« Yo, » Kakashi said nonchalantly. « Yo, » Sakura answered with the same tone and a deadpan face. Genma bit down a grin. He loved his kid. 

Kakashi eyed her and sighed. « Genma, do you see that? I get no respect these days. I miss the times where I could just walk up a tree with chakra and they’d stare at me with wonder in their eyes. » He sighed again and wiped a fake tear. « They grow up so fast. » 

Genma had to laugh. « You’re so full of shit, Kakashi, » he said with a fond smile. Sakura was smiling too, and Genma was glad to see she looked less shaken than she had when she’d first woken up.

« Sakura, congratulations on passing the preliminaries, » Kaka-sensei said more seriously. Sakura nodded at him, pleased. « You’ve got a month to prepare for the next phase, and your first opponent has already been decided. » 

The kid tensed, and even Genma felt on edge as he played with his trusty senbon. 

  
« You’ll be fighting Karin from Kusa. » 

Sakura cocked her head to the side. She felt underwhelmed, for some reason. This wasn’t anyone she knew. « Uh… Who? » Was she supposed to recognise the name? Kaka-sensei sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

« A kunoichi from Kusa. Red hair, red-ish eyes. Did you not watch her match? It was before yours. » 

Sakura tried to remember. The description was vaguely ringing a bell. « The kunoichi who bit her own forearm? » She asked, because that was almost all she could remember. That, and that she was smart. If she remembered correctly, she’d been up against Chouji. She’d been hit by surprise by his clan technique, but had bit her forearm and had seemed to recover. Then she’d won, somehow.

« Do you know anything about her? Do you have any advice? » Sakura asked. Kaka-sensei took too long to answer, and Sakura eyed him with suspicion. He did, but he didn’t want to tell her. Or, more likely, he couldn’t. 

« Never mind, I’ll figure it out on my own, » she muttered. At least, Kaka-sensei hadn’t straight up lied to her. He patted her hair gently in apology. 

« Rest up ’til you’re cleared for training. You better behave while I’m gone, my cute little minion. » 

Sakura glared at him, but Kaka-sensei kept stroking her hair. It was nice, but she wasn’t a fucking dog. Too bad she was too tired to move, really, otherwise she definitely would have. Because she clearly wasn’t enjoying it. 

Kaka-sensei eye-smiled at her, and it was completely sardonic, like he knew exactly what she was thinking. She stuck her tongue out at him. 

« Genma’ll be in charge of your training, we’ve already talked about it. Naruto’ll train in the village with Ebisu-sensei. Sasuke and I are leaving tomorrow morning. Check on Naruto from time to time, will you? Take care, Sakura. » 

And then he left. 

* * *

Sakura was staring out the window. The rain was relentless, and the cold air made her shiver. White buildings with mismatched roofs stretched until the first outer wall. Black electricity cables between the buildings made it all look organic, connected, alive. 

No one dared venture outside in this weather. Sakura was feeling a bit tragic, and she smiled wistfully as she imagined for a second she was the last person left in the village. It might as well be the case anyway. Thunder rumbled out far, and she let out a sigh.

Kaka-sensei and Sasuke had left two days ago, and she hoped they’d be careful not to catch a cold in this rain. She didn’t let her thoughts take a bitter turn and thought instead about her other teammate. She hoped Naruto would be alright with Ebisu-sensei. She didn’t know anything about the latter, but hopefully he was a good teacher.

Sakura sighed again. She still wasn’t allowed to train. It’d been two and a half days since the preliminaries. She’d been discharged from the hospital promptly after waking up. 

As long as she rested for a week, the nurse had said, she’d recover without lasting consequences. A week, when all she had before her next match was a month… It was enraging. Yet both Genma and Kakashi-sensei had left her no choice on the matter, and she’d reluctantly agreed to stay at Genma’s and rest there.

But Genma was busy, everyone was. He and Kakashi-sensei had come up with a training plan for her, but…

But she felt lonely and frustrated. The only thing she could do was reflect on a strategy to help her win her fight. Genma was supposed to help her train, but in the end he’d been called to proctor the third stage and couldn’t do that anymore. Which was obviously very important, but…

But spending her days alone with her thoughts as sole company was truly getting to her. She missed Genma and Kaka-sensei and the rest of Team 7. She missed Sabi. And gods, she missed Anko. Everyone was busy but her. Everyone was getting places but her.

Her self-pitying thoughts were rudely interrupted by Anko coming crashing through the door. 

  
Literally. 

The door was now hanging pathetically on one hinge.

Sakura stared. Anko frowned at the door as if it’d personally offended her. She huffed at it and turned to face Sakura, who started laughing uncontrollably. 

And for a couple minutes she just couldn’t stop. The sight was too ridiculous, it was just so _Anko_. Tears welled up in her eyes and she let them fall. Gods, how she’d missed Anko. How she’d wished for her presence the past few months. She’d missed her so much and now she was back.

When she calmed down, Anko had somewhat fixed the door and was now crouching in front of her. 

« Hey, » Anko said awkwardly. Sakura laughed some more, before tackling Anko in a hug. The two fell to the ground, and Anko hugged her back tightly. It hurt Sakura’s ribs a bit but she couldn’t care less at that moment.

« Hey, Anko. I’ve missed you, fuck I’ve missed you so much, » she said. Her heart was beating fast and strong in her chest, and Anko laughed against her. Sakura was crying again but she couldn’t help it. She just couldn’t. Eventually she pulled back from her friend, just enough that she could see her face.

« Yeah, right, as if you didn’t make a shit ton of friends, » Anko answered with a huff. She was smirking, but Sakura frowned still. « I did make friends. But they’re not _you_ , and I’ve missed _you_. It’s not the same without you. » 

Anko smiled, and she looked – happy. « Did you miss me too? » Sakura asked, looking away. Anko was – 

Anko was her friend. Anko didn’t know _this_ Sakura, but she’d been the only one to know Inner. And she’d helped her when Sakura had had no one else. She’d had the Green Spirit’s back in Akasen, too. 

A lot of who Sakura was today was Anko’s direct influence. Whether Anko was aware of it or not. But Anko had never made her feel like anything but her equal. She’d made her feel accepted, even after she’d told her about her split. Anko had been the first person to make her feel _safe_.

A hand (and it was warm, because this was _real_ , because Anko really was _here_ with her) on her cheek pulled her out of her thoughts. Anko was scrutinising her face, taking everything in, and Sakura took the time to do the same. 

Anko’s face hadn’t changed much. Her brown, pupil-less eyes were warm with too many emotions for Sakura to decipher. Her hair was as spiky as always. The only change was that she looked tired like Sakura had never seen her before. 

It could be many things. But Sakura guessed that having Orochimaru loose in Konoha couldn’t help.

« Of course I missed you, kid. Akasen got boring as hell without you there, » Anko said with a smirk. She frowned, then. « Do you have trouble sleeping? You look exhausted. » 

Sakura pouted. « Nightmares, » she muttered. She didn’t want to talk about it. Anko didn’t push, and Sakura relaxed a bit. She closed her eyes. Anko’s hand was still on her cheek, and she relaxed in its warmth. She exhaled slowly. When she opened her eyes again, she was resolute.  
« How are you, Anko? It must be tough to have the Snake here, I honestly can’t imagine how you feel. Do you want to talk about it? » 

Anko barked a laugh, and it wasn’t happy. 

« Never one to bit around the bush, eh? » Anko said. To Sakura’s disappointment, she let go of Sakura’s face and got up. She helped Sakura up, and carried her to the sofa, ignoring Sakura’s protests. 

She made Sakura lie down and put Sakura’s head on her thighs. Sakura closed her eyes when Anko started playing with her hair. She really ought to trim it, but this did feel nice. 

« It’s tough, kid. I’ve told you how the village treated me after sensei left. Like I was a fucking traitor too, » she spat. Sakura could hear the hurt, still raw after all these years. « Dunno if I should tell you this, but I got to confront him in the Forest. » She faltered, then, and Sakura opened her eyes. She smiled sadly at Anko, and the other went on. 

« If there’s one person who won’t judge me in this village, I guess it’s you, » Anko said with a bitter chuckle. « I miss him, in a twisted, fucked up way. He taught me everything, and he was the first person to believe in me. When I saw him, he wasn’t even wearing his own face, but it _was_ him. And gods, just the fact that he uses such a disguting technique… I should know better than to miss him. I should hate him for everything he’s done to me, to this village, but… » 

Anko was frowning hard, her emotions clearly on display on her face. She was unsettled, sad, and irritated at her own feelings. Sakura marvelled at the sight. Anko usually hid her emotions behind a mask of brashness. She was a lot like Naruto in that aspect – people didn’t question a persona as loud as the one they both presented. But this Anko, the real one, wasn’t one that most people ever saw. 

Sakura took Anko’s hand in hers. She wanted Anko to know that she was here for her, too. Anko snorted, trying to hide her distress behind anger for a second before giving up. Her shoulders drooped. Her eyes were shining with tears she wouldn’t let fall. « Fuck, I wish I could hate him. I wish I didn’t care about him. But wishing things will get me nowhere, and I know what I have to do. » 

There was resolution in her eyes now, not just an overwhelming grief. 

« What do you have to do? » Sakura asked softly. 

« I have to stop him. I’ll do everything I can to stop him. » 

Sakura understood, she did, but what Anko was implying hurt. « Even if it’s the last thing I do » was what she’d meant but had left unsaid, and for that Sakura hated Orochimaru a bit more. 

She squeezed Anko’s hand, and Anko squeezed back. « I don’t want to lose you, » Sakura said in a low whisper. « Please be careful, » she added, and that was all she could say to let Anko know she understood. Her heart was heavy in her chest, she wanted to cry. Why couldn’t she just have something nice, for once? Why did everything hurt, all the time? She’d just had Anko back, she didn’t want to think about losing her already.

Sakura sighed. She wanted to say more. « How did you know I was here anyway? » She said instead with a small smile. 

« Oh, right! I’m actually the one in charge of your training, sort of. Genma’s proctoring the final stage and the mutt is busy with the Uchiha flight risk, so they can’t train you, right? »

Sakura frowned. Sasuke, a flight risk? Well, it did make complete sense, but if Anko said it, it meant the Council thought so too. It was nice of Anko to let her know – Anko was an interrogation specialist, she knew exactly how much information she was sharing at all time. If she said it now, it meant it was important for Sakura to know.

« But Anko, I can’t train yet. It sucks ass, I’m stuck here ‘cause of chakra exhaustion, » Sakura whined. Anko poked her cheek. « I know, brat. Doesn’t mean you can’t do meditation or come up with a strategy, right? » 

Sakura pouted, then considered Anko’s words. Anko’s public persona was that of a brash, loud and obnoxious person. Not one for subtlety or well-crafted strategies. But the Anko she’d got to know in the past few years was also cautious and rational. She really was prone to impulsive actions, but she could just as well craft intricate plans just to mess with someone, as long as she thought they deserved it. 

Having Anko in charge of her training might kill her before the beginning of the tournament, but it would be worth it. Anko _had_ a warped sense of danger, but at least she was fun. And competent. 

« I’m glad to have you back, Anko. And thanks for agreeing to training me, » Sakura said. 

Anko smiled a feral smile. « Don’t fucking mention it. And it’s great to have you back. » 

Sakura smiled. 

She’d be fine. 

* * *

Sakura couldn’t sleep. Every time she closed her eyes she was met with visions of yellow, glowing eyes mocking her for her weakness. Genma had a night shift, and she was all alone in his apartment. She hated it. She got up on trembling legs. She was tired of feeling like shit, of feeling vulnerable just because of a snake bastard. She was tired of feeling tired, too, of her trembling hands and of the headaches that nothing seemed to dissipate. 

She couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept properly. Her head was killing her, and she went to the bathroom for some paracetamol. She took a short shower, too, and packed a blanket and some water and then she was out the window. She’d officially been allowed to resume training yesterday, but Anko had gone easy on her for her first day. Anko’s version of going easy on her meant that she could still move her limbs without excruciating pain, but she still had cuts and bruises everywhere and she was sore all over. 

The air was warm still, and Sakura took a deep breath. Using chakra, she made it to the rooftop, and from there she ran in a random direction. It was late at night, and Konoha was quiet. Akasen wouldn’t be, but it was far away, and the sounds of the never-sleeping district couldn’t be heard from where she was. 

She ran for a while, enjoying the night air and trying hard not to think about anything. She stopped when she felt a vaguely familiar chakra signature. 

Gaara. 

Oh, that would do nicely to distract her, she thought with a smile. The possibility of dying briefly brushed her thoughts, but she pushed it away. She’d be fine. She felt light, invincible and somewhat giddy. She headed towards the Suna nin with something like relief. She wouldn’t be alone, she wouldn’t trapped in her own mind anymore. 

« Yo! » She said with a genuine smile once she reached Gaara. The other looked at her like she’d grown another head or two, then he frowned in suspicion. 

« Are you actually suicidal? Or are you just plain stupid? » He asked flatly, unleashing some of his KI. Sakura ignored him and sat down next to him. They were on the rooftop of a fairly high-rise building, and they had a beautiful view of Konoha from here. The village was asleep, but shinobi could still be seen hopping from rooftops to rooftops. With the chuunin exam and the threat Orochimaru posed, ANBU couldn’t relax for a second. 

« It’s a lovely night to be out, » she said, because it was true. The sky was clear, and the stars were tinkling brightly above them. 

She turned to look at Gaara. He was looking at her with conflicting emotions on his face. Suddenly, he took his head between his hands, and an overpowering and disturbing KI leaked out of him. Sakura couldn’t help but flinch away. She felt like throwing up. Her headache blinded her for a second, and tears welled up in her eyes. Everything in her told her to flee, her entire body was poised for it, and she had to fight to stay put. It really would be inconvenient if Gaara chose now to give in to his bloodlust.

The other boy was now mumbling, and all Sakura could decipher was the word « mother », which didn’t really help her understand what was going on. She didn’t know if trying to snap him out of it would help or if it’d just get her killed. She crouched closer to him, just shy of touching, and started talking to the other boy in an as steady voice as she could manage. 

« Your name is Gaara, you’re a Suna shinobi. You’re currently in Konoha for the chuunin exam. It’s around 1 am, you’re on a rooftop with me and you’re safe. » 

When Gaara didn’t lash out, she said it again, and again and again. It took forever and then some, but she repeated the same words until Gaara seemed to come back to her. He lowered his hands, then, and they were trembling slightly. Even with the darkness, Sakura could tell he was covered in sweat. He looked small and vulnerable, yet Sakura knew he was anything but. 

« Are you alright? » She whispered after a while. Gaara wasn’t looking at her, and she had no idea what was going through his mind. He shivered, and Sakura took her backpack to retrieve the blanket. Gaara’s tight grip on her wrist stopped her from opening her bag. 

« I have a blanket in my backpack, » she said in a tone she hoped was reassuring. Gaara didn’t let go, but he didn’t stop her when she slowly unzipped her bag. She pulled out the blanket, and handed a corner for Gaara to put on his shoulders.

But Gaara just stared at her, and, with a sigh, Sakura put the blanket on their shoulders. This was getting awkward. Gaara was dangerous, and highly unstable, and she’d appreciate it if he could just react. Like, either try to kill her or answer her when she talked. _Anything_ , really. 

They stayed like that for a long time, and Sakura started drifting off. Under the blanket, she could feel Gaara’s warmth, and it was reassuring. She was not alone. She was alright. If Gaara were to kill her, at least he wouldn’t make it last. He wouldn’t try to _hurt_ her. He’d just kill her. And no one would attack her while she was with Gaara.

Sakura woke up when the first rays of the sun hit her face. Her neck hurt, she was against something warm but the position wasn’t comfortable _at all_. 

Then she remembered where she’d been before falling asleep, and she tensed immediately. Her eyes widened. _Fucking hell_ , she thought. She’d fallen asleep against Gaara and she was still alive. The gods of fortune didn’t hate her after all. She prayed a quick thanks to them and slowly pulled back, so as to not touch Gaara anymore. 

« Morning, » she said after a while. Gaara didn’t say anything. She looked at him. His black makeup was slightly smudged and the shadows under his eyes were as dark as ever. « Did you sleep at all? » She muttered. Her head was throbbing with pain now that the painkiller had worn off, and her throat was parched. Sakura wasn’t in the best of moods, but at least she was still alive. 

Gaara hummed but didn’t answer. Sakura sighed and looked away. The sun was rising, now, so she must have had something like four hours of sleep. Not bad. The sky was really beautiful, it was pink, orange, and blue, with no clouds in sight. It was warm already, the day would probably be hot and humid. 

« It gets lonely, doesn’t it? » She said after a while. 

« What does? » Gaara asked in a raspy voice. 

« Being different. Maybe just being alive, I guess. » She wasn’t sure she was making sense, but Gaara hummed and it sounded like he agreed. They watched the view in silence for a few minutes. A crow landed next to them. It stared at them for a while, croaked, and took off.

« Isn’t Konoha about teamwork and shitting rainbows? » Gaara said. He sounded bored. 

« I guess it is, for clan kids. Clans are a big thing here. I’m civilian-born, though. The system doesn’t work well for you if you aren’t in a clan. No one gives two shits about me. » She sounded more tired than bitter, and she was glad for it. 

Gaara hummed again. He wasn’t great conversation, but his presence was calming. When he wasn’t feeling too murderous, anyway. It was just something about him. Maybe it was the fact that he didn’t care about anything. It made Sakura relax, like everything would be alright.

She slowly pressed against Gaara again, and sighed softly when he neither pushed nor killed her. Something had changed about him during the night. He felt softer – not anywhere near actually soft, but softer than before. « You’re not too bad company, » she said after a while. Gaara snorted. « Flattery will get you nowhere, » he said flatly. « I’ll still kill you. » 

It was Sakura’s turn to hum, and Gaara sighed. « You’re weird, » he said matter-of-factly. « I don’t like you. » 

« I don’t like you either, » Sakura answered flatly. « Yet here we are. » 

They stayed like that until the sky turned completely blue. « I have to go, » Sakura blurted out. « See you around. » 

Gaara looked bored. « I’d rather not. Like I said, I _will_ kill you. » 

« Does that mean you’d rather not kill me? » She asked cheekily. Gaara glared at her and she was still laughing when she leapt off the roof. 

* * *

Jiraiya was a pervert and Sakura wanted to give him the slowest of deaths. She’d visited Naruto and he’d told her all about the perv Sage who’d replaced Ebisu-sensei. Sakura had been curious, she didn’t know what a Sage was. And she had to make sure Naruto would be alright with the man. So she’d accompanied Naruto when he’d gone training the next day. 

Jiraiya was tall, loud and vulgar. He leered at her and was inappropriate with Naruto, too. Sakura decided she’d get some information on the whole Sage thing from him, then she’d make him understand Naruto was off limits. He didn't seem to come to that conclusion by himself, so Sakura would enlighten him. 

« I am indeed the Great Sage of the Toads, » Jiraiya boasted. Sakura nodded politely. « What’s a Sage, Jiraiya-sama? » 

And Jiraiya told her. Of senjutsu and training with the Toads. Of feeling the natural energy and gathering it inside your body. Of the risks, too – no one wanted to turn into stone. Of the fact that he was currently the only Toad Sage alive. 

And Sakura understood. What she did – her sensing. It was senjutsu. No wonder she hadn’t found anything about it at the library. It was a secret jealously guarded by summons, and summons were often clan business. It was two layers of secrecy too many.

« How did you go to the Land of Toads, Jiraiya-sama? » Sakura asked innocently. Jiraiya eyed her suspiciously, and Sakura gave him her best shy smile. « I’m a bit of a paper ninja, » she said, looking down to hide a blush that wasn’t there. « Everything you told me is just so fascinating! You’re very impressive, Jiraiya-sama. I just want to understand. » 

She knew she had him when he gave her a patronising smile. « No worries, kiddo, » he said before he spilled everything. Sakura smiled shyly and thanked him for his time. He laughed and patted her on the shoulder. Her skin erupted in goosebumps and she wanted to throw up. Sakura smiled so hard her cheeks hurt and Jiraiya looked slightly disturbed by the sight. She stepped forward and stared at him straight in the eyes. 

The last few weeks had been inspirational for Sakura. Before, she’d only had Zabuza’s KI as a reference. Now she had Orochimaru’s and Gaara’s too. She focused on how much she wanted to make Jiraiya suffer, on how much she wanted him dead, and she projected it all outward, towards Jiraiya. It made her feel light-headed, but she didn’t stop there. 

« Listen carefully, you perv fuck, » she said sweetly. The air felt colder around her. « You touch Naruto one more time, you ask him to henge as a naked woman one more time, I’ll end you. Do not touch him. Do not look at him. Do not mention your disgusting habits towards women around him. Do not mention your porn books around him. If I hear he’s so much as read one sentence of those things while he’s with you, I’ll end you. What you're doing is inappropriate. Leering at children is disgusting, and if you do it again, I'll end you. Do you understand? » 

Jiraiya looked unwell. He nodded slowly. Sakura smiled her feral smile. « Trust me, I’ll know if you behave inappropriately. You might think I’m just a girl, but I suggest you don’t try me. This is the only warning I’ll give you. » 

Then she stepped aside and patted his arm gently. She heard him curse, which, honestly, drama queen. She’d only put enough chakra to bruise, not to break his humerus. 

* * *

She could do this. She had to. She’d just finished training with Anko and –

And Anko was looking more broken with each passing day. Genma was worn out, too, it was shifts after shifts and he looked beyond exhausted whenever he had enough time to stop at the apartment. And it was all Orochimaru’s fault. Danger was looming over the Village because of him. Orochimaru still wanted Sasuke. His exact plans were still unknown. The only thing that was certain was that he was a threat. 

And that he was way stronger than Sakura.

And Sakura? She didn’t have much going on for her. She was not strong, not yet. She knew getting stronger was a slow process, she knew it and most of the time it was alright. 

But most of the time, her people weren’t threatened by a sick, crazy strong monster. Last time she hadn’t been strong enough to do anything. And even now, she couldn't help her precious people, because she was too _weak_. 

This could be her edge. She didn’t have a clan, she didn’t have much, but maybe she could have this. If she didn’t die in the process. 

Desperate times called for desperate measures and all that shit, right? It was the only way. 

She wrote down a note and left it on Genma’s kitchen table. She took a paracetamol tablet and bit her lower lip. Her hands weren’t trembling for once because this – this she was sure about. She had no idea what would happen to her, but she knew she had to do it. It was the only way. 

Sakura breathed in and out and reverse-summoned herself. 

Landing hurt. Everything hurt, actually. Her body, her chakra, her head – maybe she should have waited for the painkiller to take effect. She hoped she hadn’t damaged her chakra coils beyond repair, too. She breathed in and the air reeked of wetness, decay and other unsavoury things. She blinked against the darkness. Had the jutsu failed? Was she in an old part of the sewers? She sat up as silently as she could; for all she knew, she was in enemy territory. At least, she had her sword and her backpack with her. She opened the latter and took the matchbox she’d put there. 

_Crack_. 

She protected the flame with her hand until she was sure it wouldn’t die. Then she looked up to see where she was.

Thousand of tiny eyes blinked at her. 

Her match went out. 

She screamed. 

  
_Holy fucking shit, what kind of hell is this? The seven Gods of fortune definitely hate my guts._ Sakura’s thoughts were a jumbled mess of all the swear words she knew and then some she made up on the spot. Anko would be proud of her. Anko would _get_ to be proud of her if she made it out alive. 

Sakura was sprinting in the dark and she was half scared she’d run into a wall or something. But so far, all the sensing and situation awareness she’d done during training seemed to be paying off. There was water on her left, small, living things everywhere, and something like a wall to her right. 

The creatures were getting more numerous by the second, though. They were running alongside her, they were on the wall, they were everywhere. It made her skin crawl. Was this how she died? In some fucked up tunnel or something? Alone, eaten alive by… rodents? Insects? _Demons?_

Sakura wasn’t ready to give up yet. She dove into the water. 

It was cold and water wasn’t supposed to be this thick. She took a second to try and feel the flow. When she did, and decided to follow it. 

Then she heard them. Tiny plops, all around her. The creatures were following her in the water. She tried to stay calm, she did, but it was hard to do so when she was surrounded, alone, and pretty sure she was about to die. 

She wouldn’t give up, she wouldn’t – 

The first bite startled her. The second got her moving faster. She kept swimming, she would make it out alive. She swam as fast as she could, hoping the creatures wouldn’t be fast enough to catch up. 

She swam and swam and then – 

She fell in an outside pond and suddenly there was light. Dim light, it looked like it was dawn, but light nonetheless. The… things weren’t following her anymore. She heaved a sigh and swam to the banks. 

There were trees all around her. It was warm here, but she was still cold from the water and she shuddered. She wouldn’t give up now. 

It’d been days. It’d been years. Sakura didn’t know. Every day was the same – hunt, eat, walk, try not to die. The forest was gigantic. She was following the sun, or trying to at least, but she swore it was setting in a different direction everyday. All the while, she felt watched. She didn’t know what to think. Maybe she was being paranoid. She did feel like she was losing it. She’d long ago cried the few tears she’d had left in her. Being alone was hard, harder than she'd thought it'd be. She was used to loneliness, but this was different. Complete isolation, like she’d never experienced before. She barely slept at night too, she barely stopped to rest at all. She wasn’t safe here. 

She reeked but she hadn’t dared waste time to bathe. Her skin was itchy, and the scab on her cheek had peel off. Her muscles were past protesting the harsh treatment of walking all day and most of the night. The mostly-healed wound on her lower lip had opened again with all the worrying she’d been doing.

But she kept walking. She wasn’t sure what was her motivation – survival instinct, spite, fear – but it was burning hot inside her. It wasn’t the Will of Fire. She’d stopped believing in that after Wave. It wasn’t a warm feeling, exactly, more like something was boiling her insides. 

It kept her alive, it kept her moving, and sometimes that was all that mattered. 

Eventually, she reached the entrance of a cave. It felt like it was calling her, and she didn’t like it. She closed her eyes, and she felt a strong presence in there. And many other, smaller chakra signatures. 

  
She didn’t want to go in. She didn’t. But she’d also come here to become a Sage, maybe, or at least to get a summoning contract. She’d decided to do it, and there was no going back.

Sakura went in. 

It smelled of sulphur and surely this cave wasn’t the safest. She pushed forward, still. The air was warm and humid. The corridor got darker and narrower and Sakura’s heart rate spiked in panic. She didn’t want to be trapped here.

At last, the corridor opened to a large chamber. Sun light was lighting the place through cracks in the ceiling. There was smoke, too, and the place smelled of incense and tobacco. 

There was a gigantic throne in the middle of the chamber. 

_Oh Gods_ , Sakura thought. _Here we go_. 

She slowly walked to the throne and bowed. She didn’t dare look up, she wasn’t sure she was ready for whatever was there. She heard a puff and acrid smoke reached her nose. She fought back a cough. 

« Look up, child. » The voice was deep and hoarse. It hurt her ears. Sakura looked up and was greeted by a sight she immediately wished she could forget. 

There was a humongous brown rat sat lazily on the throne. The rat was puffing on a gigantic cigar, and there was an amused glint in its shiny eyes. Its fur looked soft but there were holes in it, which revealed scars and rough looking skin. The rat blew the smoke in Sakura’s face. She blinked. The rat was wearing a crown of skulls. Sakura coughed a bit. 

« Rat-sama, » she said as solemnly as she could. Internally she was laughing and crying at the same time. The only comforting thing about this whole situation was that, for once, it was her own doing that had put her in such deep shit. No snake bastard leering at her teammates. No S-rank missing nin. Just Sakura and her own dumbassery. 

« Tell me, child, how did one Leaf shinobi end up on my fine land? » The rat asked. Sakura got the distinct feeling it was internally shitting on her as much as Sakura was. 

« Well, one might have heard of Summons and Sages and one might have been misguided enough to try to reverse-summon themselves to the Land of Summons, so as to become a Sage themselves, » she said with a deadpan. « Rat-sama, » she added belatedly. 

The rat stared. Sakura stared back. The rat puffed on its cigar. Sakura licked her dry lips. 

« You’re an idiot. Smart, too, » the rat said. « Rat-sama, » Sakura answered because at this point there wasn’t much she could say to defend herself. 

« So you want to become a Sage, » the rat said pensively. « Rats haven’t had a summoning contract with humans in centuries. Do you know why? » 

« I don’t, Rat-sama, » Sakura answered truthfully. 

The rat smirked. « Samurai have honour. Shinobi don’t. They trick and lie and do everything they have to to survive. But with time, shinobi forgot. They forgot their true nature and thought they could be something else. They started thinking themselves noble when they’re nothing but vermin. They still rob and kill and lie, but they think so highly of themselves while doing so. The Village hidden in the Leaf is the worst hypocrite of them all. » 

« But you’re not like that, are you, child? You survived in this forest for a week. And I can see in your heart that your priority is survival, not misplaced glory or integrity. Nobility will only get yourself killed. » 

Sakura swallowed heavily. She didn’t know where this was going, and she wasn’t sure she liked it. 

The rat laughed. « At heart, you are a true Rat. You are cunning and resilient. Otherwise, you’d be dead already, with how weak you are. So I’ll help you become a Sage. But I’m a Rat, too. I don’t do things for free. » 

The rat’s smile was predatory and Sakura fought not to step back in terror. 

« An arm for my help and a summoning contract. How does that sound, child? » 

Sakura stared blankly at the rat. It took her a whole minute to process what it had just said. It wanted her arm. One of her limbs. The rat wanted to take it away. To remove it. The actual fuck. She blinked, and blinked again. 

« Rat-sama, » she would not cry, she would not scream she would NOT. She licked her lips, but her mouth was dry and it didn’t help. « What if I refuse? » Because she would not lose her arm, what the fuck.

The rat laughed again, making Sakura flinch. The sound was cruel and it reverberated against the walls. « Then I’ll let my children eat you. They’ve never had human meat before. » 

Sakura couldn’t breathe. _Get a grip_ , she berated herself. An arm…

The rat wanted an arm. 

She couldn’t breathe. 

Except she had to, because she wouldn’t die here. She was filthy and tired and hungry, and she wouldn’t die in this hell. She would not. 

An arm. Well, she _was_ resilient, wasn’t she? She could learn to fight without an arm. Better that than being eaten alive by rats. 

« I would like to ear all the terms first, » she heard herself say. She felt cold. Maybe she was dying, maybe she was dead and this was hell. « When would you collect your due? How long would my training last? How would you help me become a Sage? » 

The rat smiled around its cigar. It looked pleased. « I would collect it immediately. Time in this Land is different from time in your realm. One day in the human realm is a week here. One week there is a month here. One month there is a year here. » 

Oh, right, because that made sense. Sakura forced her face to remain blank, because this was honestly the least fucked up shit she’d heard all day. 

« The training I won’t explain before you’ve agreed to the terms. It would last half a year here, so two weeks there. » 

Why wasn’t half a year the same as six months and therefore six weeks in the human realm?! This truly was hurting Sakura’s brain. But it was better to focus on that than to think about her impending doom. 

She closed her eyes for a whole second to compose herself. When she opened them, the rat was smirking, as if it was taking joy in fucking with Sakura. Which it probably was. 

« I want to negotiate the terms, Rat-sama. » Sakura said evenly. She was dissociating from the situation, she knew. The colours dimmed until everything looked mostly grey to her. It was just the rat and Sakura now. She’d deal with her feelings later. 

« I want a six months delay before you collect your due. I cannot afford to lose an arm now, I’m in the middle of the chuunin exam. It would be too suspicious and inconvenient. » Her voice sounded cold.

« That will cost you your other arm, » the rat said with so much indifference that Sakura kind of wanted to punch it in the face. Or to crush its lit cigar in its ugly, shiny eyes. 

« How about one leg? » Sakura said, and what the fuck. But it was smarter to have a missing leg than to not have arms. She’d find a way.

« One leg and you let me have a look at your mind right after we sign on the contract, » the rat said. 

Sakura blinked. Anger pierced through the apathy, because this rat was a huge asshole. « Fine, » she spat. The rat smiled. « You’ll find that my terms are quite generous, child. » 

It produced a big scroll. « Our contract. Read it carefully, then we may sign on it. »

Sakura accepted the scroll and her hands were trembling a fair bit. Fuck this rat. Fuck this place. Fuck her stupid decision to reverse-summon herself. 

She read the whole thing, and negotiated some details, such as the fact that she was supposed to provide food for the entire rat clan ( « Not happening. I barely have enough money to provide food for myself. » The rat blew smoke in her face. « Then you’ll help clean the tunnel system once a year. » Sakura wrinkled her nose angrily. « _FINE_. » ), or the fact that she only had access to one of the numerous species of rat that composed the clan. She would _not_ be restricted to brown rats. The one she had in front of her made her want to eradicate the whole species. Said rat had agreed she’d get to summon anyone from the clan, which meant she’d get to summon black rats, and, uh, other kinds of rats. She had no idea there were so many different species of rats. The rat had listed 66 different species off the top of its head, and, like, what the fuck.

All in all, if Sakura omitted the fact that she was going to lose a limb and that her mind was about to be violated by a giant rat asshole, it was quite an advantageous contract. But then, she _was_ going to lose a limb, and her mind _was_ about to be violated. 

They signed in blood. « My name is Gizasai, child. I am the Great Queen of this Rat clan. » 

« My name’s Sakura, » Sakura said angrily. She was so mad. The rat laughed. 

« I hope you paid attention when you read the contract, child. » Sakura put a tired hand on her face. « Yeah, _obviously_. I just joined a fucking rat gang. You literally called it a fucking gang. And I’m to recruit other people, too. To start my branch of the gang or some shit. » She stopped, because this was ridiculous. « I’m in a gang. Gods. » 

Gizasai laughed, like the asshole she was. She climbed down her throne and approached Sakura. 

She pressed a finger to Sakura’s forehead and the smell of tobacco made Sakura gag a little. Everything went dark, and Sakura’s last thought was that the whole fainting thing was getting old.

Something wet was pressing on her fingers and Sakura jerked away from it. She opened her eyes to the ceiling of a cave. Oh, _right_ , she had become the latest recruit of a gang of _rats_. She groaned as she sat up, and she started massaging her sore neck. She didn’t feel tired beyond the soreness in her muscles, and her headache was gone. Maybe she’d gotten some actual sleep after passing out. 

« Don’t ignore me, » a deep voice snapped. Sakura looked next to her, and there was a rat, which was about the size of a grown hare. « Hello, » Sakura said blankly. She was not ready for this conversation. She wasn’t ready for any conversations, for that matter. 

The rat huffed at her. « Oh, hello, glorious rat. It’s a pleasure to meet you, » the rat said in a high pitched voice. Sakura cringed. Was that supposed to be her?! 

« Way to be polite, » the rat went on with its normal, oddly deep voice. « I can tell we’ll get along splendidly. » 

Sakura sighed. « My name’s Sakura. I didn’t mean to be rude, I’m just tired as fuck. » She didn’t apologise, though, because this rat was at least as rude as her.

The rat pulled out a cigarette and took its time lighting it. « The name’s Gizaman. » It paused. « To reverse-summon yourself like that… Either you’ve got guts, or you’re the most stupid human ever. Which would be something really. I guess I’ll have to wait and see which one it is. » 

Sakura didn’t deign to answer. « Where’s Gizasai-sama? » The rat stared blankly at her. 

« Brat, d’you honestly think the boss has nothing more important to do than to wait for your sleeping beauty ass to wake up? » Gizaman paused and smoked for a bit. « No, obviously I must have upset some Gods, ‘cause I’m the one who’s stuck with the babysitting duty. I’m your personal summon, unfortunately. If you get me killed, I’ll haunt your sorry ass ’til the end of times, got it? »

« A personal summon? What’s that? » The contract had mentioned it without giving much details. It'd only said that her personal summon would be the Rat she was the closest to in spirit. Which sucked, because Gizaman was a rude asshole. 

Gizaman blew smoke in her face. Was it a rat thing? It was annoying. « Means you can summon me without using your own chakra. I can summon myself, too. We’ve got a special connection or something. » 

Sakura considered this, then nodded. « Sucks to be you, » she said. « I’ve got the worst luck. I’m basically doomed to a shit fate. » 

Gizaman muttered something under its breath but Sakura didn’t hear. 

« What are your pronouns, by the way? » Sakura refused to look apologetic as she asked. Gizasai hadn’t particularly looked like a female rat, but she’d said she was a queen. And Sakura had no idea if genders were a thing with rats or if it was just based on the rat’s sex. 

Gizaman looked at her, and stub out its (their?) cigarette on the ground. « Does it matter? » Gizaman asked with a smirk, just to be a bitch. Sakura crossed her arm and stared them down. She would not be beaten by a fucking rat. 

« My pronouns are she and her, » Gizaman snapped after an awkward minute or three, and Sakura smirked in victory. Gizaman bit her calf in retaliation, because apparently she was an asshole like that. Oh, Sakura could tell they would get along _splendidly_. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Orochimaru's description is based on  
> [this beautiful fanart](https://ravysu.tumblr.com/post/624501201615110144/idk-which-one-is-better-the-first-is-canon-tho). Not a fan of Orochimaru, coz, yknow, human experimentation. But this fanart is so gorgeous ugh.
> 
> If you didn't know, Kakashi means scarecrow. Genma is the Japanese name of a star (Alpha Coronae Borealis). (if you hadn't understood why Sakura made the associations she did). 
> 
> Paracetamol is also called acetaminophen. It's used for mild pains in France, much more so than ibuprofen I think. Sleep deprivation can do lots of stuff to your body, I hope y'all get enough sleep ;( it doesn't help with mental & emotional instability either. Dw Sakura will get help for her sleep issues next chapter! It's just a lot at once for her ugh
> 
> Also I don't do character bashing (except for Danzo but at this point it's not bashing it's just him being himself), but I guess my description of Jiraiya isn't v flattering lol. Well, he is a v flawed character and described as a pervert in the manga. And it's from Sakura POV, so she hates and despises him lol. 
> 
> Also, Sakura, rat summoner eh?? Where did that come from, you may wonder. Well, I don’t know, but it was fun to write.
> 
> (ギザギザ gizagiza) means jagged. I kinda used the same construction for the rats names as for the toads. The toads all have the word toad (蝦蟇 gama) + something as their name. Rat / mouse is (ネズミ nezumi) in Japanese, but it was three syllables so it was meh. Instead, I thought about tooth, which is only one syllable, so bleh, but it led me to jagged (ギザギザ gizagiza). Then (ギザ最 gizasai) with (最 sai) meaning great, the most, etc. (最 sai) is sometimes used as a female given name. It can also be read (最 kaname), and then it's a male given name. (ギザ滿 gizaman) I wrote with the traditional Chinese character instead of the common simplified Japanese character 満. The latter means full, fullness, satisfy. It's used in "full moon" for example. The Chinese character 滿, which is uncommon in Japanese, means full, filled, packed, but also arrogant, conceited, and to be brimming with. I thought it fits more. The way I named the rats is probably really weird to a Japanese person, especially since it might sound like I'm talking about Giza in Egypt or something. So, sorry if it's super awkward lol. 
> 
> Btw I now know way much more about rats than I had ever planned to. Doing research for this fic is fun honestly. So far, I’ve learnt about swords and sword making, about red-light districts in Japan, caves, and rats obviously. But yeah, rats. Brown rats are the most common, then it’s black rats (smaller, and mostly in fields nowadays). Rats are actually useful coz they clean the sewers. But they’re dangerous coz they can contaminate stuff with their pee / excrement, and they’re extremely hard to completely get rid of. They don’t usually bite human tho. 
> 
> Take care yall!!!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackmo0nie)  
> [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/blackmo0nie)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura is in a bad mood. Gizaman is an asshole, but she's Sakura's asshole. The chuunin exam happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I'm back! France is in lock down again and working from home every day is weird. It’s harder to find the motivation to write. I feel like I’m already spending most of the day on my computer for work, and staying indoors really is bad for my inspiration. 
> 
> I’m glad to be back tho!! With a 12k monster! yay!!!
> 
> This is the last of the chuunin exam. FINALLY. After that, we’ll get into what I dubbed the Leg Retrieval Arc (feel free to judge me for my shit titling skills). 
> 
> Sometimes I think about the plot I had originally planned for this fic, and I can’t help but wonder a bit about what happened. Like, this fic keeps getting longer??? Maybe I’ll turn this into a series and make a second part. Maybe not. Anyway, the Leg Retrieval Arc will be followed by the Danzo Deserves a Slow and Painful Death Arc, which is when we’ll reach what I had first planned for this fic. Bc we still haven’t reached that part. Sheesh. 
> 
> THERE'S BLOOD AND DEATH IN THIS CHAPTER

« Time to get up, brat, » Gizaman’s deep voice greeted her. Sakura had been awake for an hour or so, but she was not ready to face the day. She turned her back to her roommate. 

She couldn’t believe she’d had an actual full night of sleep, and it felt both amazing and awful. Amazing, because her headache was gone and her limbs had finally stopped trembling. And awful because she was more coherent and functional now. Which had led her to realise that reverse-summoning herself had definitely been the most stupid thing she’d ever done. If she survived it, Genma and Anko were going to murder her and she would let them. She didn’t even want to think about what they’d do if they found out about her using one of her legs as a bargaining chip. Gods.

Gizaman’s sharp incisive met the tender meat of her calf and Sakura fell out of bed. « I hate you, » she mumbled half-heartedly. She’d landed painfully on her face but she couldn’t be bothered to move.

« C’mon, Gizasai wants to talk to you. » 

That piqued her curiosity. It was almost enough to motivate Sakura to open her eyes. She wasn’t looking forward to seeing Gizasai though, she kind of hated the Rat Queen. And she wasn’t looking forward to getting started on her day. She wanted more time to wallow.

« What does she want, » she said, and it was mostly intelligible. 

« Get your sorry ass off the floor and I’ll consider telling you, » was Gizaman’s answer. The Rat was leaving already and Sakura scrambled to her feet. The Rats’ burrow was a complex network of tunnels and chambers and she didn’t fancy getting lost here alone. 

« So, what’s this about? » Sakura asked as they headed for the common bathroom. 

« Apparently, something’s fucked up with your mind. I mean, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out you’re a bit wrong in the head. You _did_ reverse-summon yourself to the Land of Rats after all. » 

Sakura had nothing to say to that. She’d spent her first afternoon in the burrow wallowing and regretting her recent life decisions. And she probably would have spent her first morning here doing the same, had the Rats let her. She sighed and ignored Gizaman’s heavy stare as she brushed her teeth. 

« What, » she said flatly after rinsing her mouth. 

« What _is_ wrong with your mind? » Gizaman inquired. Sakura sighed again. She bet it had to do with the whole two souls in one body thing, but she didn’t mention it. « I guess we’ll find out, » she said instead. 

Gizasai was as big as Sakura remembered. The Rat Queen was busy reading a scroll when they joined her in the main chamber. 

« Took you look enough, child, » Gizasai said. « Boss, » Gizaman said with something that almost looked like a bow. Gizasai nodded slightly in acknowledgement. 

« Come closer, child, » Gizasai ordered. Sakura wanted to do anything but that. Gizaman, the traitor, bit her in the calf when she took too long to move. She took a small step forward.

« Gizasai-sama, you asked for me? » Sakura asked evenly. Gizasai huffed a laugh. « Enough with the pleasantries. Your mind is quite… uncommon to say the least. » 

The dramatic pause in her speech got on Sakura’s nerves and she wished, not for the first time, that she could punch the giant rat in her ugly teeth. It was her mind they were talking about. It wasn’t a fucking joke. Sakura clenched her jaw hard enough to hurt. She breathed in and out, trying to keep the anger at bay. Talking back would get her nowhere. Gizasai saw right through her though, and the gigantic Rat smirked. 

« Such impatience, » she said. « Anyone with eyes can tell there’s something wrong with your mind. I thought it was the Shinobi disease – you filthy humans send your own kind to battle even when they are not mature enough to bare it. It disorders your mind, and you grow twisted in the head. But what afflicts you is something else. Imagine my surprise when I realised that my little human was a Two-Soul creature. » 

Sakura didn’t say anything. She felt very cold and small. The only person whom she’d told about Inner and Outer was Anko. But now other people knew, and it hadn’t been her decision to share that information about herself. 

Except it had been, hadn’t it? She’d signed the contract. She’d negotiated for a six-month delay before losing her leg, and she’d accepted to have Gizasai in her mind. She bit her lower lip. Now was not the time for regret. She’d made her decision, and she’d deal with the consequences. 

Gizasai’s deep voice interrupted her thoughts. « You knew, didn’t you, child? » 

« I did, » Sakura admitted. « But it’s only me now, » she added, because it was true, and she was proud of what she’d accomplished. Gizasai hummed. « Is it really, I wonder, » she said. Sakura snapped at that.

« Shut the fuck up, » she said in a low voice. She was sullen and angry and Gizasai was messing with her. This whole situation was extremely stressful. She’d signed a deal and agreed to give up one of her legs. She’d accepted to spend half a year in this hell. She had no idea what was waiting for her. Sakura felt so anxious she could barely breathe. And the Rat thought she could talk like she knew her.

Sakura had worked so fucking hard to get where she was, all alone, and she wasn’t going to be pushed around by an oversized rat who knew nothing about her. All the anxiety she was feeling turned to anger, to the familiar rage that always burnt in her veins. She was trembling, now, and Gizaman’s presence at her side only reinforced her indignation. She wanted to be left alone. She wanted to have never come here. 

« You know nothing about me, » Sakura spat.

Gizasai considered her carefully, and Sakura fought not to squirm under the heavy gaze. She had the right to be angry, she did. She wouldn’t let the Rat Queen make her doubt herself. 

« I did not mean to insult you, child. Merging two souls has rarely been done, and successfully even less so. Your souls _are_ merged, but you are repressing feelings and memories, and it’s weakening the merging. If you keep doing so, your psyche might break entirely. » 

Sakura was momentarily speechless. She knew she wasn’t exactly well, but surely she wasn’t doing so poorly, was she? She took some time to actually consider her current state. The constant fatigue, the nightmares, the anxiety, the lack of trust in others, the impulsivity, and worst of all the anger… But all this was justified, she had reasons for being the way she was. 

« Why are you telling me this? I thought you didn’t do things for free. I’ve paid enough already. If this is some sort of trap or something you can shove it right where the sun doesn’t shine, along with your stupid ideas and your fucking cigars. » 

Antagonising the Rat Queen probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but Sakura was too upset to care at this point. 

The Rat Queen had a serious look in her eyes. « Don’t be stupid, child. You came here and you signed the contract. You’re one of us now. I won’t let you die foolishly. Rats stick together, for it makes us stronger. And if you do not trust that, trust at least that I don’t want my investment in you to go to waste. » 

She leaned forward, then, and her gaze was both heavy and intent. « You are a Rat. Remember it, child. When you are all alone, desperate and scared for your life, remember you have us. And when you are feasting on the corpses of your enemies, remember to whom you owe your life. »

The Rat Queen took a cigar from a metal box near her throne. She lit it with a giant match, and blew smoke slowly, gazing away from Sakura. 

« You do not have much time. You will have to endure a hard training. We will reinforce your mind, and we will teach you the ways of the Rats. As per our agreement, you shall become a Rat Sage. Through all this, Gizaman is your partner. You will train together, eat together, live together. Your failure is her failure, your success is her success. » 

The Rat queen smiled, then, as much as rats could smile, and it was truly a terrifying sight. « We’ll make a fine Rat out of you, child. I’m sure of it. » 

« You have a lot of yin energy, » one of the Rat trainers had told her. « But your yang is weak. You need to train your body more thoroughly to compensate, or you’ll never be able to use senjutsu. » 

Which apparently meant she’d do gruelling physical conditioning every two days. Sakura had been ready to call it a day by lunch time. At least, she hadn’t been alone. Gizaman had had to suffer through it with her. 

The afternoon had been followed by chakra control exercises, which she’d mastered at a record speed. If she had one thing, it was chakra control after all. 

After such an intensive first day, Sakura was more than ready to go to bed already, but apparently evenings were either for community service (« You’re a Rat. Don’t be useless, or we’ll eat you. »), or for theory and cultural lectures. Sakura struggled to keep her eyes open as a Rat, who looked half dead from old age, told her in monotone about senjutsu and what being a Rat Sage entailed. 

« Toad Sages can turn the nature energy around them into an extension of their body. Snake Sages can breathe life into inorganic substances and control them. » Sakura closed her eyes for a bit too long and Gizaman bit her fingers in retaliation. Asshole. 

The monotone went on. « Do you know what Rat Sages can do, child? » The inflexion at the end of the sentence was missing and it took Sakura a few seconds to realise she was being addressed. She shook her head. 

« Rat Sages can create an imbalance in the energy of all organic beings. In practice, you can make a human rot on their feet, just by touching them. » The elder said that impassively, and Sakura couldn’t help but shiver. She wasn’t sure she wanted to learn how to do that. The Rat went on, uncaring of her inner turmoil. 

« To do so, you must observe the chakra system of your enemy. Then, focus the smallest amount of nature chakra in the body part you’ll use to touch them. » The rat took a step towards Sakura, who shifted uncomfortably. « You must be careful not to disturb your own chakra system, or you’ll rot too. When you’re ready, strike your opponent. » 

The Rat was faster than they had any rights to be in their old age. They stroke Sakura in the arm and she screamed in pain. She could feel the imbalance in her body, she could feel it spread. She knew that if it reached her main tenketsu, she’d die. 

Everything was pain. Would they let her die on her first day? She tried to think around the pain, but her thoughts were barely coherent. The old Rat had focused nature energy in their finger before touching her. Could she force it out? She tried to isolate the foreign chakra in her system, but she couldn’t focus with the pain. She fucking couldn’t. It was too much, at once, and she was going to die, and she hated those Rats gods she hated them and –

And then the pain was gone at once. Sakura almost fainted in relief, her legs trembling hard and barely supporting her weight. Gizaman was leaning against her, and it was somewhat comforting. At least, it was until Sakura realised that the old Rat hadn’t just struck her, but Gizaman as well. Fuck. The Rat Queen meant it she’d said that Gizaman and her would share their failures. Meanwhile, the old fart was looking at her with disappointment in their eyes. Fuck them, honestly, Sakura wanted to throttle them and she wasn’t sure Gizasai would stop her. 

« I see, » the Rat said, and Sakura didn’t know what they did see but she sure as fuck wouldn’t ask. « We will try again tomorrow. » 

  
The second day was when proper hell started. Gizaman had told her in the morning that it’d be mental and chakra training since her body was a giant pile of aches, and Sakura hadn’t protested. That had been a lack of foresight, clearly. 

The morning had started easily enough with meditation. Not chakra meditation, just regular meditation, and Sakura was fine with that. 

Then, a big black Rat with a taupe Fedora told her it was time to work on her soul merging. Which was not particularly reassuring, but whatever. 

Except it meant Sakura had to talk. Like, truly talk about her feelings and shit. Taupe Fedora told her that she didn’t have to talk about anything, but Sakura realised that she actually wanted to. Apparently, whatever she’d tell the Rat would stay between the two of them, and Sakura found herself somehow trusting the Rat – only after they had put all the terms in writing, obviously. Sakura didn’t trust words, but Rats kept their contracts. Especially ones with their summoner. 

They talked for two hours and Sakura was in dire need of a power nap after that. They’d discussed many things, things she’d never mentioned to anyone. Her mind felt weirdly empty and she wanted nothing more than to lie down for a couple hours.

« Come on, brat, it’s time for chakra training, » Gizaman said, killing all hopes of rest. Sakura sighed but followed anyway.

Sakura knew she had meagre chakra reserves. She’d been working on them, but they still were barely genin level. Gizaman was in charge of her chakra training – she was a ninjutsu specialist – and she was _not_ impressed with Sakura.

« Wait, that tiny thing really is your entire chakra pool?! » Gizaman sounded horrified. Sakura glared at her. « No, but honestly, I thought you were just suppressing your chakra all the time. What the fuck, brat! What ninjutsu do you know? Can you even perform ninjutsu?!» 

Sakura pouted, and she told Gizaman about the three mandatory ninjutsu she’d learnt at the Academy, and her chakra meditating. Gizaman sighed like she was the one for whom this was embarrassing. 

« Ok, brat. This won’t do at all. Considering how ridiculously tiny your chakra reserves are, you can’t go at it the passive way, with chakra meditation and shit. You need a more active approach. » 

Gizaman paused, and Sakura got the feeling she wasn’t going to like what Gizaman had planned for her. 

« The only way to work with what you’ve got is to make you use chakra. Like, almost all of it, stopping just before chakra exhaustion. We’ll do that every two days, and gods help us you’ll have enough chakra to perform a shunshin without fainting by the end of your time here, » Gizaman said like chakra exhaustion was no big deal. 

And so began her ninjutsu training. Gizaman had her perform the only three ninjutsu she knew again and again and again, kawarimi and henge and bunshin. The entire time, her mind was blessedly empty from the mental training or whatever, and by the end of the day she had to use the walls for support to get back to her room. 

Obviously, they made Gizaman and her help with cooking for the entire clan that day. 

Because Rats were assholes like that.

* * *

Sakura choked on her spit, which wasn’t the nicest way to wake up. She’d dreamt about Team 7, about her team turning their back on her. Waking up was a relief, and she blinked the tears away. Life was shitty enough, and if she didn’t let herself cry on the unfairness and horror of it, then she sure as hell wasn’t going to let herself cry on fucking nightmares. 

She breathed in and out, taking the time to sort through the different smells. Detergent, wet, soil, organic, wood, _Rat_. She was in her room, and the fluorescent handles of the clock on the wall next to her bed told her it was way too early to be awake. She rolled to her back and wished she could see the stars. She didn’t know if there were the same as those she could see in Konoha, and she felt almost curious enough to go find out. 

Almost, because she was fairly certain she’d get lost, and also her muscles were so achy she wasn’t sure she’d manage to get up on her own. She smiled, a small, almost satisfied thing. She’d wished for Kaka-sensei to take Team 7 seriously enough to give them a proper training regimen. Well, the Rats did take her training _very_ seriously, for which she was glad. She’d come here to become strong enough to protect her people from the Snake asshole after all. 

Thinking of Orochimaru made her shiver in disgust and rage. She wanted him to experience the suffering he’d brought on her friends. She wanted him to die. She wanted him to have never existed.

« You alright? » Gizaman asked sleepily. Sakura hummed. It didn’t satisfy the Rat, who came on Sakura’s bed, and nuzzled her arm. « Stop thinking so much, brat, » she mumbled. « You’ll just hurt yourself. »

Sakura smiled faintly and closed her eyes. She fell asleep some time later, comforted by the warmth and familiar smell of smoke.

* * *

« Hey, brat, » Gizaman said. They were cleaning the common bathroom in their tunnel. « Hm? » Sakura said distractedly. She trying to get rid of a stain on the mirror. 

« You’ve been coping awfully well with the whole ‘losing your leg’ thing. A little bit too well if you ask me. » 

Sakura sighed. « That’s ‘cause you’re a suspicious asshole, Gizaman. Can’t blame me for that. » 

Gizaman hummed and didn’t push. Sakura had been with the Rats for two months, and they’d taught her about psychological manipulations and stuff. She wouldn’t be manipulated so easily into spilling her secrets. 

Except, somehow, between the hours spent training, between the shared meals, the late night confessions and everything they’d lived through together, Sakura had come to trust Gizaman. The Rat was a pain in the ass on her best days, but she was honest and loyal. She didn’t blame Sakura for her failures, even when it ended in pain for the two of them. And she was almost nice, in a very blunt way. She also had a passion for tea that Sakura might have qualified as endearing, had it been anyone else. 

« I guess it’s not really coping and more not comprehending, » Sakura said slowly. « I know I’m going to lose my leg. And I know that as soon as I can, I’ll have to figure something out, ‘cause I’m not gonna stop being a shinobi, yeah? But, I guess, it doesn’t feel real yet. So it’s easy for me to ignore. I’m used to going with the flow anyway. » 

Gizaman hummed again. « Well, you’re lucky I’m a tough one, brat. There’s no way you’ll figure something out on your own. » 

Sakura smiled. Gizaman was offering her help the only way she knew how to, which was of course by insulting her. « Thanks for the vote of confidence, asshole. » Gizaman smirked. 

« I _am_ lucky to have you, » Sakura added. « It’s like, the Seven Gods of Fortune finally took pity on me and decided I needed someone to help me deal with all the shit they throw at me, » she said, because she knew Gizaman hated feelings. « I’m _so_ going to panic later though. Like so, so bad. ‘Cause I have no idea how the fuck I’m supposed to find a replacement leg for myself. So good luck to deal with that. »

Gizaman laughed with her deep voice, and Sakura joined in. If she sounded a bit hysterical, well that was her own business. 

* * *

« You know, if you’d told me when I’d first arrived that we’d end up like this, I wouldn’t have believed you. And I’d probably have tried to punch you, » Sakura mused. 

Sakura and Gizaman were enjoying a cup of tea outside, watching the sun set on the forest. The sky was orange and pink, and there was no clouds to be seen. 

« Just because you’re leaving tomorrow morning doesn’t mean you get to go all sappy on me, brat, » Gizaman said. 

Sakura smiled knowingly in her cup. « What’s this blend again? » 

« White peony tea with rose petals and butterfly pea flowers. » 

Sakura snorted. « You’re serving me your nicest blue tea and you’re telling me I’m the one who’s getting emotional? » 

« Shut up, brat. It’s not like I’m gonna miss you. ‘Cause you better summon me regularly or I’ll summon myself to bite you in the ass. » 

Sakura laughed. They’d be alright. 

* * *

  
Genma’s apartment was exactly as Sakura remembered. White walls, a couple of plants, wooden floor, an open kitchen. She focused on the familiar setting to keep the anxiety at bay.

  
Sakura wrinkled her nose. The place smelled of fatigue and anxiousness. She knew leaving like she had had been misguided and awfully insensitive at best. It’d felt like the right thing to do at the time. But now that she wasn’t too sleep deprived or anxious or paranoiac to function, she truly could realise the stupidity and selfishness of her own actions. Genma and Anko must have been sick with worry. If Kaka-sensei ever heard of any of this, he’d definitely make her run a hundred laps around the Village too. 

But what was done was done, and hopefully Anko and Genma wouldn’t be too mad at her.

Sakura froze as she felt someone approach the apartment. The door opened, revealing Genma, who stopped frozen in place as well. 

They stared at each other in silence for an awful, long minute. Fuck, Genma looked like hell, and Sakura didn’t know how much was her fault. She felt so guilty it was like her heart was being torn in pieces. 

Genma looked like shit but he smelled even worse. There was obvious relief, but the anger and concern and fear and anxiety and sadness were so strong Sakura wished she could just not smell these things at all. 

« I’m gonna be real here, squirrel, » Genma said with a slightly strangled voice. Sakura didn’t dare look away. « I don’t know if I want to hug or throttle you right now. » 

Sakura grimaced. « We could start with the hug, and see where we go from there? » She replied tentatively. Genma smiled slightly and finally came properly inside, closing the door behind him. He wasn’t even playing with his senbon, and Sakura didn’t know what to do.

« I’m sorry, » she blurted out. _Smooth, Sakura, very smooth_ , she berated herself. Genma looked at her and Sakura did her best not to squirm. « Uh… I know it was a giant dick move? Like, it was super inconsiderate of me, to disappear like that for two weeks. I won’t do it again, I’m so sorry Genma. » 

Genma sighed and walked to her. He put a hand on her head and caressed her hair. « Look, kid, I really, really care about you OK? You can’t just disappear like that. » He looked genuinely sad and worried. Sakura’s heart broke a little more. She took his hand in hers and put it to her cheek. 

« To be honest, kid, I do feel betrayed by you leaving like that. » She’d expected that, but it still felt like a punch to the ribs. 

« I know, Genma, I’m sorry. It’s just that… » She swallowed around the lump in her throat. « It’s just that I’m tired of being weak. It’s why I left, ‘cause I’m tired of my loved ones being put in danger. I want to keep you guys safe. Looking back, it was admittedly rather stupid, but I was desperate. And it worked, ‘cause I’m stronger now. Honestly though, I understand it was stupid. Strength always comes with a price. » 

Genma frowned at that. « What do you mean? What did you do, Sakura? Is everything alright? » 

Sakura sighed. « I’ll tell you everything later, I promise. I’m fine though, I really am. » That wasn’t a lie, not really. 

Genma’s shoulders relaxed slightly. « Look, squirrel, I’m just glad you’re back. But please talk to me about important things like that. Preferably before doing them. I… I’m not your parents or anything. I won’t pretend to be. But I do want you to trust me, and I want to be able to trust you too. » 

« I trust you, of course I trust Genma. » Sakura said earnestly. Genma smiled slightly at that, but it was tight still. « I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. You’re kinda, like, one of the three people I actually trust and I would die for you in a heartbeat. I can’t promise I’ll always tell you everything, but I’ll do my best to talk to you. » 

« That’s all I’m asking for. » Genma sighed, then. He still didn’t look entirely reassured or satisfied. Sakura wasn’t sure how to fix this. She breathed in shakily. « Look, Genma. Family’s always been shit to me, so it’s not fair of me to compare you to mine. ‘Cause they suck ass and you’re great. But if family meant anything to me, you’d be it, yeah? You’re mine, and I’m yours. »

Genma looked her in the eyes for a long time, then he finally relaxed properly. He kissed her gently on the forehead. Genma made her feel loved and safe and it was a great feeling, and she wanted him to feel the same. She gestured at him to get to her height, and kissed him on the forehead too. Genma chuckled, and he picked her up by her middle, then. 

« OK, I’m glad you’re back and all, but what you did was a ‘giant dick move’. And I am a petty person. So I’m taking you to Anko, and good luck with that. Don’t take too long though, I’m making nikujaga for dinner. » 

Oh, fuck. She was going to die after all. 

« Sakura, » Anko greeted her sombrely. Yep, she was definitely going to die. Anko didn’t even smile at her, not even her threatening smile, and it was somehow even scarier. 

« You left to get stronger, right? » The sarcasm was heavy in Anko’s voice. « Well then, let’s see how much you’ve improved. » 

Sakura was so screwed. 

Training ground 17 was a small, secluded bit of land surrounded by forest. The ground was dry, the grass brittle. It hadn’t rained in a while, and falling would hurt. The sky was low and the air uncomfortably heavy. They’d have a storm soon, hopefully not while they were still out. 

Anko stretched in silence, and Sakura did the same. She wasn’t sure what to say, she wasn’t sure Anko wanted to listen anyway. The air felt charged, and it wasn’t just the storm.

« Taijutsu only, weapons allowed, » Anko said coldly. Her tone was so out of character for her it startled Sakura. « We stop when I say we’re done. Questions? » Sakura shook her head. She was in for the beating of her life. 

All things considered, it could have gone worse. Anko did punch her with everything she had, but she mostly defended herself, only attacking when Sakura left too big of an opening. The spar lasted for hours, though. Sakura could barely move her limbs by the end of it. She was pretty sure Anko had broken her nose at some point, which didn’t help.

« Alright, brat. » Anko said. Sakura was on her back, and Anko had a kunai to her throat. « Tell me why you did it. Tell me why you abandoned us, tell me why you left us behind with only a vague note for explanation. » 

Anko was trembling with rage. 

« Your stupid Uchiha teammate’s supposed to be the flight risk, but let’s be real here, Sakura. Maybe you’re the fucking flight risk. What’s next, uh? Going to defect to a Sannin to become more powerful? That would only make sense, wouldn’t it? » 

Anko wasn’t yelling, which made it even worse. Sakura wanted to look away, but she didn’t dare. She wanted to cry, she wanted to punch something, she wanted to get this over with. But she’d brought this on herself, she was the only one to blame here. She’d endure, she owed Anko as much.

« I’m sorry for hurting you, I really am. » She hadn’t thought about this, she hadn’t considered the fact that Anko was as scared at being left behind as Sakura was. « I thought I was doing the right thing. I just want to be strong enough to protect you, alright? I don’t give a fuck about power if it means losing my loved ones. And I guess I did leave, but I was feeling cornered and useless and I just wanted to help. » 

Her tone was almost imploring, now. She didn’t want to lose Anko, she couldn’t lose her. 

« Cut the crap, » Anko snapped. « You’re a genin, you sure as hell ain’t supposed to be protecting us. You just graduated from the Academy, for fuck’s sake! » 

« Look, Anko. Leaving the way I did was a mistake, and I’m sorry. I became stronger, but it came with sacrifices and I didn’t know that before. I do now. But please, I don’t want it to cost our friendship. I did this ‘cause I only wanted you to be safe, OK? » 

Anko grabbed her by the collar and pulled her up. She bit her thumb, and then they were in the stomach of her biggest snake summon. Anko went on unfazed. « Well, maybe you should’ve asked us before pulling that shit. I want to keep you safe as much as you want me safe, brat. What you did could be considered treason, y’know? ‘Cause now your loyalty’s split with whatever summons you ended up with. After the shit Jiraiya did in his time, they enacted regulations and stuff. You’re not supposed to do this kind of crap without asking the Hokage for an authorisation, since you’re not in a clan. » 

Sakura felt very cold all of the sudden. She’d had no idea. And considering who she was, and how unprotected she was as a civilian-born shinobi with no connections, this could be bad. Suddenly, their being inside a snake made a hell of a lot more sense. No one could spy on them here.

« But Genma and I didn’t say a thing about you being gone. » Anko was looking at her in the eyes, her gaze intent. « You know why? ‘Cause I’m more loyal to you than I am to this fucking village. So whatever shit you want to pull in the future, warn me. Genma feels the same, so tell us things. We can’t help you if you don’t let us, alright? » 

That was a big deal. Sedition was punished by death. There was no one to overhear them, but still. Sure, Sakura wasn’t exactly loyal to the Village herself, considering her low position in the social hierarchy. She was loyal to her people and to her ideals, but it was something she knew to keep to herself. For Anko to admit this freely –

Sakura had fucked up big time, but knowing her people were this loyal to her made her overwhelmed with joy. She thought she might cry. She didn’t know what she’d done to have people like Anko and Genma in her life, and she was infinitely grateful for them.

Anko narrowed her eyes at Sakura. « I have your back, but I’ve got to know you have mine too. So tell me, Sakura, can I trust you? » 

Sakura didn’t hesitate. « Yeah, you can. I’ve got your back, Anko. » 

Anko smiled her feral smile, and Sakura’s cheeks stretched in answer. 

« So, you’ve got less than a week left before the chuunin exam. Should we be worried about you? What’s your strategy? » Anko asked. They were seated in Genma’s kitchen, and Genma joined them at the table, bringing a pot of nikujaga. Gods, she’d missed Genma’s cooking. 

« Is it safe to talk here? » Sakura said in lieu of answering. Genma considered that. « Iruka put seals all over this place, so it’s as safe as you’ll get without it being too suspicious. » Anko raised an eyebrow at that. « People tend to spill their secrets to me, and sometimes it’s best if no one else find out, » Genma defended himself. Gods, Sakura loved her dysfunctional, suspicious friends. She smiled, and it hurt her nose a bit. At least, it wasn’t broken anymore, although it was very slightly crooked now. They’d stopped by one of Anko’s colleagues’ at T&I on the way back, and the man wasn’t a full med nin. He’d repaired the bone, but that was it. She still had a bruise, and the whole area was tender. 

« OK, » Sakura said. « I guess I should introduce you to my summons, then. » 

« No ninjutsu at the table, » Genma said automatically. Sakura groaned. « It can wait until we’re done eating. You can tell us about your strategy in the meantime. » 

Sakura pouted, and Anko laughed at her. Rude. « Well, I don’t know much about that Karin kunoichi, » Sakura started. She paused to eat a bit of meat. It was perfectly cooked, and it had a rich flavour. She sent a quick prayer to the Seven Gods of Fortune to thank them for her friends and for Genma’s cooking skills. She moaned out loud after a second bite. Genma let out an aggravated sigh.

« Right. She’s got some healing technique or something. She’s sneaky, and smart too. But I’ve trained a lot while I was gone. It’s been two week for you, yeah? » They nodded. « Well, it’s been half a year for me. » Anko choked on a chunk of potato. « What the fuck, » she managed with a strangled voice. 

Sakura shrugged. « Honestly, I gave up trying to understand the Land of Summons. That place makes no sense whatsoever, I swear. Anyway, I trained a lot, and I may or may not be a Sage now. » This time, it was Genma who choked on his food. Anko started laughing, but it wasn’t a happy sound exactly. « Holy hell, kid, did I tell you I love you? You just made my day. » 

Sakura shrugged. « Senjutsu was a pain in the ass to learn. My summons… Well, let’s just say that the fact that they’re my summons at all just further proves that I’ll never be a stellar citizen. » 

Genma considered her with calculating eyes. « A match in even, then. So, will you use you new Sage abilities in your fight against Karin? » 

Sakura sighed. « Not really, I don’t want to reveal the whole Sage thing yet. That would require me to explain a lot of things I reeeeally don’t want to explain. But I’ve still got some cool senjutsu moves that wouldn’t be too suspicious if you don’t know what you’re looking for. So, I was thinking, trap her in a genjutsu, sneak up on her and stab her a bit with my wakizashi. I just need to have my blade in her, really, then I can use my senjutsu shit and she’ll be done for. » 

« What is your ‘senjutsu shit’ exactly? » Genma asked mildly. Sakura bit her lower lip. She trusted them, she did, but she hadn’t talked about this with anyone but her summons. She remembered how repulsed she’d felt the first time the old Rat had mentioned this.

« It’s… uh, basically, you imbalance someone’s chakra system with nature chakra, and it makes them rot from the inside. The effects are totally reversible, though. Until it reaches your central tenketsu anyway. After that you, uh, die. » 

Genma and Anko were staring at her. Anko smiled, slowly, and she looked proud of Sakura. « That’s cold, brat, » she said appreciatively. Genma’s gaze was inscrutable. « Cold, but efficient. You do realise that if you show off with a technique like that during the chuunin exam, there’s a lot of chance they’ll try to recruit you for wet works? » 

Sakura shrugged. « I mean, between Kaka-sensei, Anko and you, I’m kinda destined for assassinations anyway, aren’t I? I think it works well for me anyway. I don’t have that much chakra, I’m kinda stealthy, and I can strike fast. » 

« Your moral compass is really grey for someone who’s twelve, » Anko said. It wasn’t judgemental, it was just an observation. « I’m thirteen, » Sakura muttered. « Also, are you really finding this out now? We met in Akasen for fuck’s sakes. » 

Sakura realised her mistake when Genma raised an eyebrow at that. Sakura got up abruptly. They were done eating anyway « And… That’s a story for another time! I’ll show you my summons now, yeah? » 

She didn’t wait for an answer. She nicked her thumb with her teeth, and did the summoning jutsu. 

Gizaman appeared, ready to fight, and when she saw that it wasn’t this kind of situation, she bit Sakura in the calf. Half a year together and Gizaman still was an asshole to her. But she was _her_ asshole. 

« Good to see you too, Gizaman. » The Rat let go of her calf. « Fuck you. You left less than a day ago, did you miss me already? » 

Sakura frowned. « I thought a day here was a week there. » Gizaman rolled her eyes. « Well, only when the Boss feels like it. She liked messing with you, if you couldn’t tell. Aren’t you going to introduce me? » 

Gods, such Rats were such assholes. 

« Genma, Anko, this is Gizaman, my personal summon. Gizaman, these are the people I trust more than I trust myself. So if for once you could be slightly less of an asshole, I’d appreciate it, yeah? » 

Gizaman laughed. « In your dreams, brat. I can only be my best asshole-self, ‘cause you deserve the best, don’t you? » 

Sakura sighed and looked at Genma and Anko to gauge their reaction. Anko was fighting a laugh, and Genma just sighed, aggravated. « It _does_ confirm the fact that you’re a little shit, » Anko said. 

Sakura pouted. She couldn’t even deny it. 

  
Sakura had missed Team 7. Kind of. She had missed them, because she loved them. But the distance hadn’t made Naruto any less awkward in her presence, and she hadn’t missed _that_. 

« Yo, Naruto. How was training? Did Jiraiya behave? » She said, crossing her arms. Naruto wouldn’t look at her, not really, and it hurt. « It was fine. He really is, y’know, a pervert! But, you remember that day you went to training with me? He was less of a pervert after that, believe it! And, he taught me stuff, too! » Sakura smiled softly at him. It seemed that death threats were an effective way to coerce people into not being assholes. 

Naruto hopped from foot to foot, visibly agitated. Sakura sighed. « OK, Naruto, we’ve got half an hour before the matches start. Spit it out. » Naruto startled at her harsh tone. « Uh, what d’you mean Sakura? »

Sakura sighed. « Naruto, do you still have a problem with what happened during the chuunin exam? Seriously? » Naruto frowned. « But, Sakura! Killing people is _bad_! » Sakura breathed in and out and tried her best to keep her temper. But _seriously_? « Gods, we’re shinobi for fuck’s sakes. The fourth Hokage, you think he’s great, right? He killed a thousand people in one single attack, Naruto. One. Thousand. People! And, you want to be Hokage? Means you’ll have to order assassinations and shit. ‘Cause being a shinobi is being a fucking soldier, and we steal and lie and kill and that’s who we are. So cut the holier-than-thou crap, gods, it’s just so fucking hypocritical of you. »

Naruto had nothing to say to that. Sakura wasn’t done anyway. She took a step forward so that she was basically in his face. « I understand you don’t like to kill. It’s alright. But you have no right to judge me for it. I did it to protect the team, OK? I’d do it again, a thousand times. ‘Cause I don’t want you guys to die, and I don’t give a fuck who I’ve got to kill to make sure that doesn’t happen. So tell me, Naruto. Can you stand by my side, knowing this is who I am? Or will you let me down just to keep your peace of mind and your fucked up morals? » 

Naruto had tears in his eyes. His big, blue, innocent eyes. But Naruto wasn’t really innocent, was he? He was often misguided and rude and he imposed his beliefs on others as if they were better than anyone else’s. Still, he was hers. If he let her have him, that was. 

He looked away, as if deep in thought. Sakura had never seen him like that. « I…, » he started. He looked back at Sakura with a weird intensity in his eyes. He seemed pained, but also determined, somehow. « I still don’t understand. » Sakura’s heart clenched. « I don’t think I want to, but… » He frowned, and scratched his nose. « But it’s not important, maybe. I mean, you’re important to me, y’know. And… Maybe it’s OK if we don’t agree on everything. But, you’re my friend and my teammate, and that’s what matters most, believe it. » 

Sakura didn’t know. She didn’t know if it was OK not to agree on something like that. But she’d never had friends before, so maybe Naruto was right. And Naruto didn’t want to lose her either, apparently, so she guessed they were alright. « Well, no more being awkward, yeah? » Naruto agreed sheepishly. 

Sakura was scheduled to fight first. She guessed her match was the least exciting, since both Karin and she were rather unknown. So it made sense to make them go first, when people were still arriving at the stadium. 

Sakura waved at Gaara on her way down to the arena. He raised a non-existent eyebrow at her, and the fact that he reacted at all made her smirk. 

The first thing she noticed about Karin was her hair. Her gorgeous, red hair. Gaara’s was dark red, like dried blood. Karin’s hair was a completely different shade of red, it looked like the sun rising on Konoha in the pure winter air, it looked like the Red Forest during Autumn in the late hours of the afternoon, it looked absolutely beautiful and Sakura couldn’t help but stare. 

Genma coughed – it sounded more like he was trying not to laugh – and Sakura realised she’d been staring a bit too long. Karin was frowning at her, and gods was that a blush on her cheeks? Sakura licked her dry lips and blinked. Right. The chuunin exam. « Let’s give these people a good show, yeah? » Sakura said with a smile. She’d tried for a smirk, but it had come out more genuine than expected. It turned feral, then. She wouldn’t hold back, she wanted to fight Karin with everything she had. Karin pushed her glasses back and nodded. 

Adrenaline flooded her system. This was her moment. She breathed in and out, and focused on the fight to come. Nothing else mattered. It was Karin, and her, and this moment.

« Begin! » Genma said. 

Sakura immediately layered the arena with a light genjutsu that only impacted Karin. She’d worked on this one so much she didn’t even need hand signs for it anymore. Karin would see things half a centimetre left from where they truly were, which could mean life or death in a fight. 

Sakura breathed in. She pushed forward. Went for a hook. Karin had a shit guard. Sakura braced herself for the impact. But.

But Karin evaded with perfect timing. 

Sakura frowned. The genjutsu had taken. It wasn’t a tricky one and she could feel the pull on her chakra. She recovered fast, and decided to try again.

She went for a chakra-infused jab to the chest. Karin blocked it with her forearm. She grunted in pain. Broken bone, probably. She took a step backward to find her balance against the strength of the punch. Sakura used the opportunity to substitute herself with a rock behind her. She layered another genjutsu on top of the first one. At the same time, she went for a high kick. 

This genjutsu was trickier, as it didn’t rely on vision only. It tricked all the five senses, and the overall effect was the same as the first genjutsu she’d used. It was just harder to get out of. She felt it take, she was sure of that. Her high kick connected with Karin’s shoulder, yet. 

Yet she’d tried to evade it. It was just that Sakura had been faster. Which meant that Karin had seen – or felt – it coming, and fuck, was she a sensor? Even if she was, a regular sensor should have been tricked by their five other senses. 

But Karin wasn’t. Karin pivoted and went for a perfectly aimed hook with her good arm, and fuck, genjutsu really didn’t work on her. Interesting. Sakura evaded and took two steps back. She unsheathed her wakizashi. Karin bit her good forearm, and used her weird healing abilities. There were murmurs in the public as her other forearm, which had been bent in an unnatural angle before, went back to its normal state.

« That’s an interesting skill, Karin, » Sakura said with a feral smile. « I guess genjutsu really is useless on you, » she said loudly for the public. She had to show that she hadn’t just engaged in a taijutsu bout, she’d had an actual strategy in place. She released the two genjutsu, she didn’t have chakra to waste. So, Karin was probably a sensor, and a very skilled one at that. She could probably tell Sakura’s wakizashi was filled to the brim with chakra, then. Sakura wondered absently if she could tell it was nature chakra. 

But sensing abilities didn’t equate chakra manipulation skills, and Sakura was fairly certain Karin wasn’t a Sage. So it wouldn’t matter, really. Karin pulled out a kunai in one hand and shuriken in the other. However, unless Karin had some ninjutsu skills she’d hidden so far, she would be easily outmatched by Sakura’s kenjutsu skills. Sakura charged forward, and Karin evaded and tried to keep her away with shuriken. Sakura deflected them easily with her blade. She managed to cut Karin deeply in the forearm and to at least bruise her ribs with a side kick. 

With the Rats, Sakura had developed an aggressive kenjutsu style that relied on both leg kicks and her wakizashi. It meant the opponent had to worry both about her limbs _and_ the blade, which made them distracted and less focused on both threats. 

Karin was breathing heavily, now. She was skilled, but it was clear she was even less of a frontal assault type than Sakura had been before the Rats. Yet her eyes were hard with resolve. Sakura admired her tenacity. 

Sakura had been observing Karin since the beginning of the fight, though. Whenever Karin went for a hook, she would lower her guard too much and leave her whole flank unprotected. She was tiring, too, and Sakura decided it was time to end this fight. She lowered her wakizashi slightly, as if she was tiring, too – she was not, the Rats had trained her hard. Predictably, Karin went for a hook. Sakura used all her chakra control to substitute herself with a small rock, just a few centimetres to her right, and she stabbed Karin in the middle with her wakizashi. She caught her on the left side, just beneath the ribs. Sakura didn’t move the blade, Karin wasn’t truly an enemy and she didn’t want to kill her. 

She was about to release the nature chakra when she realised she couldn’t move her feet. She glanced down briefly, and sure enough her feet were trapped in the ground. Karin was sneaky alright. 

Karin did some hand signs, too fast for Sakura to follow. « Youton: paralysing technique », she said in a pained voice. 

The ninjutsu took immediately and Sakura found herself completely paralysed, except for her face. Youton – or Yang release – wasn’t something that was taught in Konoha outside of the Akimichi clan, but from what she’d read on the topic it relied on physical energy and allowed its users to control vitality. 

Karin grabbed Sakura by the throat. She went to press the kunai she was holding in her other hand against Sakura’s main artery. Her hands were trembling and she was breathing hard. She was reaching the end of her rope. Sakura thought they might be the same, the two of them. She hadn’t seen Karin’s teammates amongst the spectators, and maybe Karin didn’t have anything to lose either. 

But Sakura wasn’t ready to go down. Karin’s plan had been good, but she didn’t know about Sakura’s senjutsu. The youton technique still allowed Sakura to mould chakra, just not to move her muscles. She didn’t need that to release the nature chakra she’d put in the blade.

Before Karin could finish bringing her kunai up, Sakura released as little of the nature chakra as she could. She really, truly didn’t wan’t Karin to die. Karin screamed in pain as the nature chakra disrupted her own chakra system. Her hold on Sakura’s throat relaxed significantly but she kept her hand there. The yang technique weakened as well, and Sakura fought against it until it broke.

Sakura pushed away the hand on her throat. She grabbed Karin’s wrist and pressed hard on the pressure point to make her let go of the kunai. She did with a grunt. « Give up. I won’t let this kill you if you give up now, » Sakura rasped. Her throat would be bruised, she knew.

The area where Karin was impaled on the blade had darkened and was effectively rotting. The smell was unbearable. Karin looked at her with feverish eyes. Sakura hoped she wasn’t stupid enough to not recognise her loss. Karin should have hurried to slit her throat when she’d had the chance. But Sakura could see in her eyes she wasn’t a killer. And she could tell Karin knew Sakura was one. 

« I give up! » Karin said as clearly she could, closing her eyes against the pain. Sakura let out a relieved breath and she put a hand on Karin’s middle to better feel the chakra. She closed her eyes and forced the nature chakra out of Karin’s body through her feet. Karin slumped in relief and groaned when it moved the blade in her side. Two medic nin made their way towards them. 

Genma declared her the winner, and the public reacted enthusiastically. It had been enough of a show, then.

« Thank you, » Karin slurred as two medic nin put her in a stretcher to carry her to the infirmary. She was still impaled on Sakura’s wakizashi, so Sakura followed. « Thank you for this fight, » Sakura said. 

The medic nin pulled out the blade, healing as they went. It took a few minutes, and Karin was pale and trembling by the time they were done. She grabbed the wakizashi, and Sakura tensed. 

« You need rest. No training or straining activities for a week. Drink a lot of water, you lost a fair amount of blood. You should be fine otherwise, » the medic nin who’d done the healing said. 

The two medic nin exited the room after that, leaving them alone. Karin admired the blade for a few seconds, then handed it back to Sakura. « I’ve never seen hair like yours, » Sakura blurted out. Karin blinked at her, then smiled slightly. « It’s a clan thing, I guess, » she said with a shrug. « Not that there’s much of a clan left, » she added sombrely. « By the way, that Naruto guy is one of your teammates, right? » Sakura nodded, and Karin clenched her fists. « Why does he have my clan’s name? Is he a real Uzumaki? » 

Sakura stared blankly. « You’re an Uzumaki? » Karin nodded. « Uh, » Sakura said intelligently. Why would Karin share this information with her? She seemed smart, she wouldn’t do so unless she’d gain something from it. « Where are you from, then? I thought the Uzumaki were from Konoha. » 

Karin frowned at her, and settled more comfortably on her cot. « Uh, no? We’re from Uzushiogakure. » 

« Uzushio? » Sakura repeated. What the fuck? An entire hidden village she’d never heard of?!

« You don’t know about Uzushio? » Karin looked so betrayed Sakura almost felt guilty. Almost. It wasn’t her fault she’d never heard of the village, especially since she did read a lot. She wasn’t at fault here, it could only mean the information had been retained. She shook her head and waited for Karin to elaborate. 

« Uzushio was the sister village of Konoha. Konoha abandoned us during the war, and the village was wiped out, » Karin said coldly. « Most of the Uzumaki clan died. They were the founding clan of the village, and the village was strong and feared throughout the Five Nations for their fuuinjutsu and the strong life force of the Uzumaki. » 

That was a lot at once. Sakura bit her lower lip, debating what to share. « Naruto’s an orphan. I don’t know who his parents were. » _And it’s probably a state secret_ , she thought but didn’t say. « But his family name’s Uzumaki, so he’s probably one. You said Uzushio was our sister village, yeah? So it would make sense that the Uzumaki who survived came here after the war. Or that there would be some Uzumaki who came to the village before. » 

Karin nodded pensively. She gestured at Sakura to come closer. Sakura did, and Karin smelled of sweat, blood and putrefaction. « Do you think I could come here? » Karin whispered. « Do you mean, like, defect to Konoha? » Sakura whispered back. Well, that explained why Karin had so willingly admitted she was an Uzumaki. Karin nodded, and Sakura scratched her head. « Well, uh, probably? If you tell the Hokage you’re an Uzumaki, he’ll probably want you anyway. » Karin let out a sigh. She seemed relieved. 

« I should go back to my teammate, » Sakura said after a minute. « Spending too much time here with you is suspicious as fuck. » Karin nodded at her. 

« See you around, Sakura. » 

« See ya, » Sakura said with a small smile. 

She came back out to Naruto getting his ass kicked by Neji Hyuuga. She didn’t know Neji personally, but he was a skilled shinobi. Her teammate had little chance of winning this fight, but Naruto was the most unpredictable genin of their year. She wouldn’t be surprised if he somehow managed to win.

Sakura scanned the seats. The rest of Team 7 was still nowhere in sight. She spotted Ino and Chouji, though, and she averted her gaze quickly. She was not ready to face Ino again.

Sakura sighed and decided to sit next to Gaara. She paid half a mind to Neji’s tragic backstory as she walked to the Suna nin. Konoha truly was fucked up if they allowed slavery within their own clans.

« Hey Gaara, how are you? » She asked brightly. The two other Suna siblings stared at her like she was insane, and Sakura smiled at them as if nothing was wrong. Winning her match had put her in a good mood. She just wished Kaka-sensei could have seen it. 

« I’m bored, » Gaara said flatly, and his siblings shivered in unison. Sakura chuckled. « What did you think of my fight? » She asked. Gaara looked at her for a brief second, his eyes blank. « It was mostly boring. » Mostly, but not completely. That was good enough for Sakura. « Well, not everyone can have flashy sand jutsu, you know, » she said with a huff. 

« Who the hell are you? » The blond one – Temari, was it? – demanded. Sakura smiled at her. « Gods, sorry, I did not mean to ignore you. » Temari narrowed her eyes. She looked like she had no idea whether Sakura was messing with her or not. 

« My name’s Sakura, I’m a genin of Konoha. Nice to meet you, I guess. Gaara told me absolutely nothing about you, » she said with a shit eating grin. Face paint dude – suddenly Gaara’s heavy hand on eyeliner made a lot more sense – spoke up. « I’m Kankurou, and this is Temari. Nice move during the preliminaries. » 

Sakura beamed at him. « Your fight was inspirational. I’ve never seen anyone fight with puppets before, you must have a pretty good chakra control. » Kankurou shrugged. Shinobi were discreet by nature, boasting about your abilities was for show-offs and idiots – the kind of people who either made it to Hokage-level or got themselves killed early on in life. Sakura focused back to the match when she felt Naruto’s disturbing chakra permeate the air. It was the same one he’d used on the bridge. Sakura closed her eyes and focused on her chakra sensing. 

Gaara was a very bright and disturbing spot of vicious chakra next to her. She forced herself to look at Naruto. Malevolent chakra was leaking from his stomach, and spreading though his chakra system from there. For a second, as the chakra forced all of Naruto’s tenketsu back open, the chakra materialised in the form of nine long and thin tails. 

Sakura arranged that new fact in the mental puzzle that was Naruto’s secret, and suddenly it all made sense. 

Nine tails. 

Naruto had been hated on ever since he was born. 

His birthday was on the day of the commemoration of the Kyuubi’s attack on Konoha. 

Uzumaki were renowned for their seals and their life force. 

The Kyuubi was a creature made of chakra, it couldn’t be _killed_ but it probably could be _sealed_.

Naruto had crazy chakra reserves, endless stamina and healed much faster than anyone else.

Nine tails.

Naruto had the Kyuubi sealed in his body. 

Naruto had a fucking tailed beast sealed inside his tiny twelve-year-old body.

« Winner, Naruto Uzumaki! » 

Uh. Sakura had completely gotten lost in her own head. She shook her head to clear her mind and cheered for her teammate’s win. Naruto looked like he’d been beaten to a pulp. Naruto, who had a whole ass demon sealed inside himself. She watched him beam at the public and wondered whether it changed anything for her. 

No, Naruto was the same as he’d always been. It didn’t change a thing.

Naruto hobbled to where she was seated, and did a double take when he spotted the Suna nin. He looked at Gaara with a mix of frustration, anger and resignation. Sakura grabbed him by the wrist. He shrugged, then, and settled next to Sakura. 

« Good job, Naruto! Are you OK though? » Naruto beamed at her. « Don’t worry, Sakura! I just need to rest a bit, and I’ll be fine, believe it! » Sakura patted her shoulder. « Come on, then. » Naruto stared at her for a second, before smiling genuinely. It was a small smile, but for the first time in a while it wasn’t a fake one. He rested his head against her shoulder and sighed – in pain or contentment, she wasn’t sure. She was quite taller than him, always had been, and she _had_ grown in the Land of Summons, so he did look quite comfortable like that.

« Oh, Gaara, it’s your turn right? Good luck! I’d appreciate it if you could refrain from killing my teammate, » Sakura said cheerfully, and she stuck her tongue at the boy. Gaara stared at her heavily, and looked away. « No promises, » was all he said. 

(She ignored Kankurou and Temari staring at her like she wasn’t human, and Naruto tensing at their interaction.) 

They waited and waited and people started to get restless. Where the fuck was Sasuke?! Naruto was an anxious mess against her, and she couldn’t blame him. Sasuke would get disqualified if he didn’t hurry up. 

Eventually, Genma announced that the match was pushed to later, which, honestly, what the fuck. Sakura was glad for her teammate and for Gaara, she really was, but what kind of favouritism was this? She swallowed bitterly and forced herself to focus on the next match. 

Even Gaara looked pissed, and now that Sakura was paying attention, the three Sand genin looked peculiarly stressed. Sakura smelled the air discreetly, and sure enough the three of them –Gaara not so much to be fair – had this particular, acidic smell of stress-induced sweat. Sakura frowned. It wasn’t just the stress and thrill of the competition, this was something else.

It could be that the Kazekage’s presence was stressful for his children. But Sakura didn’t think it was it. The three Suna nin hadn’t once looked in their father’s direction, and they didn’t seem to be that aware of his presence. It was unlikely that the three of them all had an anxiety disorder – damn, the Rats’ lessons on psychology were actually coming in handy – so that left only one thing.

The three Suna nin were involved in something massively stress-inducing. Which, considering they were currently in the middle of the chuunin finals, in an arena full of spectators including many dignitaries, the Hokage, and the Kazekage, could NOT be a good thing. At all. 

Sakura bit her lower lip. What _could_ she do? Kakashi-sensei wasn’t here. Genma was busy proctoring. Anko was gods knew where. And that was all the shinobi she trusted. 

« I forfeit! » Face Paint said. Sakura’s nose wasn’t as good as the Rats’, although she’d trained it well. So she couldn’t tell if Kankurou was less or more stressed by having given up. What she could do, though, was pretend to go to the bathroom and smell the other Suna nin to determine whether or not they smelled suspiciously like stress. 

It was Temari’s turn to fight, and she manipulated the wind with her giant fan to land on the arena. The drama queen aspect definitely ran in the family, Sakura thought with a smirk. She ruffled Naruto’s hair and got up. « I’ll be right back, » she said with a smile. Naruto shrugged. Gaara eyed her briefly before looking back to the arena with a bored expression. Kankurou didn’t even spare her a glance.

Perfect. 

Sakura walked around, sniffing as inconspicuously as she could. She thought she was doing alright, until a med nin stopped her to ask if she was suffering from a concussion or something. 

« Ah, no, I’m looking for my teammate. I don’t want Sasuke-kun to have to forfeit! I’m sure it’s our sensei’s fault. Sasuke-kun would _never_ be late. » 

She channelled as much fangirl energy as she could, and the med nin let her go with a shudder. Sakura smiled inwardly. The Rats had taught her to use all her advantages, and being taken for a creepy fangirl when looking around, checking for trouble? Definitely an advantage. 

Sakura ended her walk by Gaara’s sensei, who definitely _reeked_ of anxiety, then actually went to the bathroom. She splashed her face with water and considered her options. _All_ the Suna nin had smelled like stress and anxiety. Something definitely was going on. She hoped Kaka-sensei would arrive soon, she didn’t know what to do.

Sakura headed back to her seat next to Gaara just in time to see Shikamaru give up against Temari. Uh. That might be interpreted as a good strategy, considering he was reaching his limits, but his laziness would definitely be a problem in the future. Shikamaru was nice and all, but Sakura was glad she didn’t have someone who cared so little about being a shinobi on her team. 

Kaka-sensei and Sasuke chose that moment to shunshin in the middle of the arena in a show of whirling leaves. Sakura smiled. She’d missed her sensei and his weird sense of theatrics. And her broody teammate too, she guessed. It’d been a month for them, but for her it’d been half a year! Seeing Sasuke’s dark expression, Sakura couldn’t help but snicker. Gizaman would totally shit on him, and it’d be hilarious. She couldn’t wait for the two of them to meet. 

The public started getting excited, and Sakura turned around to go join the other Konoha genin. Kaka-sensei would join them soon, and she didn’t want to explain why she was sitting with Suna nin. Naruto, who’d jumped down to join Sasuke and Kaka-sensei, was yelling something along the lines of « Don’t lose to a guy like that, asshole! » which really meant « I hate Gaara, please do kick his ass and try not to get injured ‘cause I actually love you in a totally bro way though haha no homo. » Kaka-sensei was looking a bit desperate, and Sakura really wished he would hurry the fuck up because something was definitely wrong with the Suna nin. 

Ino and Chouji were seated together, and, standing next to them, were two… Weird guys. One Sakura recognised from the chuunin exam, she was pretty sure he’d been beaten up badly by Gaara and he definitely shouldn’t be standing now. The other, she’d never talked to but she knew was a friend of sorts of Kaka-sensei. He definitely looked weird enough for it. He was listed in the Bingo Books as the Green Beast of Konoha, and he was clad in a green spandex onesie. 

« Hi guys, » Sakura said in a definitely not awkward tone. « Sakura-chan, long time no see. » She’d forgotten the exact quality of Kaka-sensei’s lazy drawl, and she beamed as she turned around to face him. « Yo, » she said happily. She almost wanted to hug him. Half a year was a really long time! And he didn’t know about her disappearance in the Land of Summons, so this reunion was the most light-hearted she’d had so far. 

Kaka-sensei looked slightly puzzled by how happy she was to see him, but he eye-smiled genuinely at her reaction. Oh gods. She’d missed him. Her weirdo sensei with his eye-smiles and his spiky grey hair and his head pats. And he was right here now! Sakura gave in and slowly, extremely slowly, hugged her sensei. He didn’t exactly hug her back, but he did put a hand on her head and petted her hair slowly. 

« I’m glad you’re back », she mumbled against his jounin vest. In the arena, Genma gave the go, and Sakura reluctantly let go of her sensei. She guided Kaka-sensei to sit behind Ino and Chouji – now wasn’t the time to deal with her former friend. 

She pressed her head against her sensei’s arm. « Sensei, » she murmured. Kaka-sensei tilted his head slightly, letting her know he was listening. Sakura locked her eyes on Sasuke, as if she was paying attention to the match. « I think Suna’s up to something. All the Suna nin are extra anxious, not just ‘it’s the chuunin exam’ type of anxious. » 

Kakashi-sensei hummed. « And they aren’t many ANBU deployed in the stadium, » he answered lowly. Sakura had counted eight so far, and she wasn’t sure there were many more. « Do you think there’s a connection with our second phase stowaway? » She asked.

Kaka-sensei tensed at that. He discreetly signalled « stand by ». Sasuke got a hit in then, and obviously he had to pause to taunt Gaara, instead of pressing on his advantage. Sakura said in her most fangirl voice « Wow, Sasuke-kun is so strong sensei! Pausing like that to insult the stupid Suna nin after he managed to hit him! So cool! Sasuke-kun is by far the strongest Konoha genin after all so I’m not surprised! » 

Sakura could tell Kaka-sensei was stifling his laughter. « Right. » His voice was slightly breathless. « Go Sasuke-kun, » he said with a deadpan, and Sakura had to bit her lower lip really hard to not burst into laughter. 

Sakura paid more attention to the fight after that. Sasuke had improved a lot, his speed was crazy. His taijutsu moves were new as well, and vaguely familiar. They were from Spandex Boy, according to Kaka-sensei. Damn, stealing techniques with the Sharingan was truly convenient, but also kinda rude she couldn’t help but think.

Sasuke put on a good show, using what Kaka-sensei had taught him during their training – and, really the chidori? Teaching your murderous student an assassination technique didn’t sound like a good idea.

Between a heartbeat and the next, a genjutsu fell on the stadium. 

A purple barrier was risen on a rooftop. 

Orochimaru’s disgusting chakra permeated the air. 

The Village Hidden in the Leaf was being invaded by the Sound and the Sand. 

  
Enemies were all around them. Kaka-sensei had jumped from his seat and was already engaged in a fight. So was Spandex Man. Everyone else in their area was still trapped in the genjutsu.

Sakura unsheathed her wakizashi and joined in the fight. There were so many shinobi. She slashed and slashed and blood splashed her in the face and front and everywhere. But it wasn’t enough, she wasn’t enough, there were too many shinobi and – 

A green clad leg kicked the kunoichi that was in front of her, sending her and the two shinobi behind her flying. 

« Yosh, you are Sakura-chan, correct? I’m Maito Gai, jounin of the Leaf. » 

« Maito-sensei! » Sakura exclaimed. And, because she knew genin protocols, « Orders, sir? » 

« Assist the civilian evacuation. This is an A-rank mission, Sakura-chan. Do your best as a proud shinobi of the Leaf! » 

Fuck, a solo A-rank? She wasn’t even a chuunin. But she didn’t have a choice. This was war. She had to protect what was hers. 

« Yes, Maito-sensei! » 

  
Taking to the rooftop, Sakura moved as fast as she could. She glanced briefly to the purple barrier around Orochimaru and the Hokage, and her face twisted in rage and disgust. The Snake was here and he was alive and she wished she could kill him herself. But it wasn’t her mission, and there was nothing she could do about that.

  
She took a deep, calming breath, and let go of her anger. She had a job to do.

The day had gone in a blur – help civilians, run, slash with her sword, slash with a kunai, shuriken to the throat, bite through an arm, run, fight, run, yell for help – and the fights were dying now. She’d finally been ordered home. She’d decided to check up on Sabi in the Ronin district, since she’d spent most of the day helping in the North and West, far away from her friend.

Sakura blinked. She was standing in front of Sabi’s workshop. She’d stood there for a while, probably, since it was dark now while it’d only been dusk when she’d called it a day. And it truly was pitch black, power was out in most of the Village. Yes, she’d probably spent a couple hours standing here. 

She blinked again. It was another hour or another day later. But the sight in front of her wouldn’t change, no matter how long she stayed here.

She wished it would change.

  
Ruins. 

The workshop was in ruins. 

Sakura breathed in, deeply. For the first time since she’d arrived, she registered the smells permeating the air. She choked on them, on the stench of blood, death, and pain. 

She puked, the acid burning her throat and nose. She spat, once, twice, and wiped her mouth with a trembling hand. 

Ruins. 

And Sabi’s half-crushed body. 

Ruins.

Sakura fell to her knees next to Sabi’s head. Most of her body was underneath the debris. Everything but her head and a hand. She’d probably tried to escape, but she hadn’t been fast enough. There was blood, so much blood, and Sakura’s pants were getting soaked in it but she didn’t care. It looked like black ink in the night. It felt like a bad dream. But this pain, this excruciating pain could be nothing but real. 

Sakura cried and moaned until her eyes and throat burnt, and then she kept going for a while.

Sabi was dead. 

Sabi was _dead_.

Sakura hadn’t gotten the chance to even say goodbye, and she’d never even thanked Sabi for her kindness. Now it was too late. She’d never again hear Sabi bitch against the Council. She’d never again marvel at the delicacy those strong hands could show when handling blades. She’d never again share a meal after a day of work well done.

There was blood everywhere. It was on her knees, on her hands, on her face. It was in her throat and she was choking on it. Sabi was dead. She hadn’t killed her, but it felt like it. Sabi was dead. Sabi was –

A broken scream escaped her lips. She closed her eyes, but the ruins were still here, the image burnt in her mind. 

« Brat. » She heard a deep, familiar voice. But Sakura had her eyes closed, nothing could reach her. 

« Brat, » the voice said again. Was she losing her mind? Was it the final straw that would break her?

A match was struck. The first inhalation of a freshly lit cigarette. Smoke blown in her face.

Sakura opened her eyes to Gizaman calmly smoking in front of her. Sakura realised she was lying on the ground, in a pool of drying blood. She didn’t care. She was numb, she was cold. Sabi was gone and nothing mattered. 

« Explain. » Gizaman demanded.

« Invasion, » Sakura said blankly. « Sand and Sound. It’s mostly over now. » 

Gizaman stared impassively at her. « You fought. You’re covered in blood and wounds. You fought and you didn’t call me. Why? » 

Sakura blinked. Why hadn’t she called Gizaman? The one Rat with whom she’d spent half a year training? The one Rat who’d always had a back in the Land of Summons? Her brain was struggling to form sentences. _Sabi was dead_.

« Dunno, » Sakura muttered. She was tired, everything hurt, her heart was in pieces. « Didn’t want you to get hurt. » 

Gizaman bristled. Sakura didn’t care. « Sabi’s dead, » she went on. « I need to find Genma, let him know I’m fine. » 

Gizaman bared her teeth. « Fine? Yes, of course you’d fucking think you’re fine. We’re going to the hospital, that’s what. I’ll let Genma know where you are after that. » Sakura wanted to protest but she couldn’t find the energy to even lift an eyebrow. « I’ll drag your sorry ass there if I have to. Don’t test me, Sakura. » 

« Fine, » Sakura said, dragging herself to her feet. She couldn’t feel her legs anymore. She couldn’t feel her face anymore. She closed her eyes against the pain in her heart that wouldn’t go away. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bunnybunnie1 on tumblr made [super cool art](https://bunnybunnie1.tumblr.com/post/632445344144326656/self-indulgent-sketches-of-sakura-from-cold-green)inspired by this fic and omg OP that got me so emotional. Sakura’s face expressions are so on point, I love her she’s a brat and good for her <3
> 
> Also if you’re native American, at some point the Rat queen says Sakura is a Two-Soul person. I know the term Two-Spirit exists and refers to a specific gender in Native American cultures. I mean no disrespect when I use « Two-Soul ». Since it’s v close to « Two-Spirit », I just want to clarify I’m not referring to the gender identity. It’s just that Sakura literally has two souls. I hope it’s OK ahh pls let me know if it’s not
> 
> Btw, here’s a bit of a timeline. The beginning of this story is in spring or something. Sakura’s 13 bday is some time after the Wave mission. The rainy season starts in June, and the chuunin exam in August. I’m basing the weather in Konoha on what I remember from my time in Japan. August and September are hell because it’s hot and humid af. You sweat a shit ton but since the air is saturated in water sweating doesn’t even cool you.
> 
> Drink water and stay safe and hydrated yall!
> 
> edit: i realised after posting this chapter that i forgot to mention the fic that inspired me the bit where gai-sensei is the one to give Sakura orders at the beginning of the invasion. Check it out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/9243836)! I hadn't read it when i first wrote that bit, but i did afterwards and i liked it a lot :)
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/blackmo0nie)  
> [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)  
> 


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sakura tries to cope with Sabi’s death, but time is running out. She makes things go boom, finds a questionable solution for her leg, and finds out she dislikes alcohol – not necessarily in that order.  
> Kakashi fucks up, Anko gives Sakura some interesting books, Genma is busy, and Sasuke is an asshole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Hello!! It's been a hot minute. Life's been crazy. Ugh. 
> 
> But guys!! I posted the first chapter almost six months ago! Time flies, ahh. Thank you for reading this fic and enjoying my work <3
> 
> This chapter is the longest yet, wtf. There's a lot going on! I updated the tags bc there's what's technically underage drinking (from an American POV I guess?? I'm French, underage drinking isn't really a thing here lol) (also shinobi are adults so it's not really underage in this world). Also, some of Orochimaru's experiments are mentioned here (no detailed descriptions or anything coz ew). Gross.
> 
> This is the last chapter of this fic, because I've decided to make a second part. This fic is already so long, I need a fresh start haha. You can subscribe to the series if you want to receive updates on the next part! 
> 
> Anyway, I hope you'll like this chapter. Thank you for all your kind comments on the previous chapter, I'll answer as soon as I can!!

**One day after the Konoha Crush**

One day. They let her grieve for one day, with orders to write her report on her actions during the invasion.

It felt like it was all her fault. The invasion. Sabi’s death. Everything. Her guilt was a heavy weight on her shoulders.

She’d noticed something wrong with the Suna nin in the stadium, yet she’d done nothing. 

She’d been paid as if it’d been a formal A-rank mission, and it left her with a bitter-sweet feeling. Her first solo A-rank, and the pay to go with it. Her first solo A-rank, to mitigate the results of her own ineptitude. 

Sabi was dead. Genma’s apartment had been destroyed. The Village was grieving and her with them. 

One day. They gave her one day.

One day. Then she was expendable provision again. 

**Two days after the Konoha Crush**

It was the evening, around 10 pm. The air was hot and humid, and Sakura was drenched in sweat. She was sore from an excruciating day of hard work. And numb from the atrocities she’d witnessed. She just wanted to lie down and not move for a while. Let the void in her heart numb her body. Let it take the pain away. 

« You have one minute to explain why the fuck you didn’t summon me on the day of the Invasion, brat. » 

Being small meant Sakura could go where no one else could. 

Being small meant Sakura was the one who was sent in half-collapsed buildings to check on survivors. 

Being small meant Sakura was the one who got to see crushed bodies and gore first. Who got to despair as all she saw was blood and carnage. Who got to throw up so often she gave up on trying to keep anything down at all. 

« You might want to start now. »

Sakura was ready to collapse, but she wasn’t ready to sleep. If she blinked for too long, then she’d see the warm brown of dried blood. She’d smell decay and bodily fluids that were never meant to be exposed to air. She’d taste blood and ash on her tongue, and it’d be too much.

So Sakura wouldn’t sleep yet. She’d figured she might as well summon Gizaman. She owed the Rat an explanation, and she longed for the presence of a friend. She had no idea where Team 7 was. Genma and Anko were busy – everyone in Konoha was. 

And Sabi was dead.

« Sakura! » Gizaman’s voice startled her out of her thoughts. Sakura swallowed heavily and blinked against the tears in her eyes. 

« Hey, Gizaman. » Her voice was hoarse from how much she’d thrown up. She shivered. 

Gizaman sighed and sat down next to Sakura. Sakura remembered to answer Gizaman’s demand for explanations.

« I trust you, Gizaman, I really do. I But it’s always been just me. I can’t just start relying on others, OK? I’m trying, but it’s hard. » 

She licked her lips. Her mouth was dry, and it did nothing for her chapped lips. 

« And I meant it when I said I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want to be the reason why you get injured. » 

« How does that even make sense? » Gizaman asked angrily. « I’m your _summon_. I’m your fucking summon. I’m a ninja Rat for fuck’s sake. My _job_ is to fight by your side. We signed a contract, you imbecile. Getting along is a nice bonus, but it’s just that. It’s my job and my responsibility to fight with you, and you agreed to it in fucking writing. Do you think I want you hurt either? Do you not trust me to have your back? Do you think me so incompetent? » 

Sakura felt a bit guilty. But mostly she felt numb. And she couldn’t rely on others like that, she couldn’t. Trusting and relying on others meant having expectations, and having expectations meant being disappointed and hurt. 

She wanted to trust Gizaman. She wanted to trust her friends. But she wouldn’t trust them with her heart and life if she could help it. 

« I’m sorry, OK? I really am. »

She was trembling, she realised distantly. 

« It’s hard for me, » she went on, her voice flat flat _flat_. 

« You can’t expect me to change so fast. We’ve never fought together in this world. So yeah, I fucked up, but it was also the first time I was in a situation like that. I just… didn’t think about summoning you. » 

It was all so far away. Sakura meant these words, but she couldn’t remember to feel anything as she said them. Gizaman glared at her. Her rage was palpable. Sakura flinched away, and all the rage vanished from the Rat’s face. Sakura wasn’t sure it was healthy to bottle it all up like that, and she regretted having moved. It was too late, though.

« Alright, » Gizaman said blankly. « Alright. I hear you. If you can’t rely on me just like that, then the solution’s simple. » 

Sakura frowned as Gizaman lit a cigarette. This did not sound good. 

« I’ve heard things about Konoha, » Gizaman went on, slowly. « About the sewers. About the black market and shit. You’ll pick up missions there, and we’ll do them together, until you summoning me becomes a reflex. It’s perfect, isn’t it? Two birds with one stone and all that. » 

Sakura blinked slowly. « I can’t just pick up unofficial missions. I’m pretty sure I’m _really_ not supposed to do that, considering I’m a shinobi. Not that it’s legal in any way. And what do you mean, two birds with one stone? » 

Gizaman laughed, and the sound made Sakura flinch. « Don’t you remember? You _have_ to establish the Rats as a gang here. Might as well start now. If you disguise yourself well enough, no one’ll know it’s you. And you’re lucky it doesn’t matter what kind of gang you establish as long as the Rats’ influence reaches here. If you play your cards well, you could just specialise in information gathering. » 

Sakura had honestly forgotten about the fact that she was supposed to start a _Rat gang_ in Konoha. She’d rather have stayed in denial. Gods. Gizaman wasn’t done, though.

« And it’ll be a great opportunity to look for a solution for your leg problem. » 

_Leg problem_. What a nice way to put it. 

Sakura closed her eyes. This was all too much. Sabi was dead. She had fucked up with her summon. Konoha had been invaded. She was supposed to establish a gang. She had to find a solution for her leg. 

It was all too much. Sakura had learnt the hard way that complaining would get her nowhere. That the only way was forward. But she was tired, and she couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t fucking breathe. Sabi was dead. There were dead people everywhere. The smell was awful. The sight gruesome. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t – 

Gizaman blew smoke in her face. Sakura sucked in a breath. She knew that smell. She was safe. 

« Easy, brat. That’s it. In and out. » 

Sakura was trembling. She was crying, she realised. Not just crying, but sobbing uglily and gasping for air. She had a raging headache, too. 

Gods, she was a mess. Gizaman smoke quietly until Sakura found her breathing again. Until the tears abated. 

It took what felt like an hour or two. 

« I don’t want to think about all that, » Sakura rasped eventually. « Not right now. I can’t, OK? » 

« Come on, » the Rat said. « You’ll grieve later. In case you haven’t noticed, we’re on short timing. » 

Sakura swallowed. Couldn’t she be left in peace?

« Fuck you. Fuck this. Fuck the Boss. Don’t you see? » She didn’t know where the anger came from. The tears were back on her cheeks. She’d felt nothing at all, and now the only thing she could feel was rage. She was fuming with it. 

« It’s always ‘later’. That’s how I got in this mess to begin with. My head’s fucked up because it’s always later, never now. I. need. **TIME!** » 

She looked at Gizaman and the fight left her at once, the way it always did. « I can’t do this, Gizaman. It’s too much. I can’t… You can’t expect me to be alright right now. »

Sakura hid her head between her knees. Gods. Gods, she just wanted some peace. 

Gizaman bit her calf and made eye contact when Sakura’s head shot up to glare at the Rat. Her small eyes were cold as ice, and it was strangely reassuring. 

« You’re messed up, and nothing’s going to be alright. Accept it. Move on. You’re a Rat. Make the world regret to have fucked you over. If you don’t make it, take down as many as you can with you. You’re a Rat. Fight loudly, because you won’t die quietly. » 

That was the most pessimistic and fucked up thing anyone had ever told Sakura. But that was exactly what she needed. The sad, bitter truth.

Gizaman paused to blow smoke. Sakura hadn’t seen her light another cigarette. 

« I’ll give you one month to grieve, but in a month from now we’ll start with the gang and your leg. » 

Sakura wiped her eyes, and inhaled deeply. « Alright, » she said lowly.

  
**Three days after the Konoha Crush**

  
The Sandaime was being buried today. And for the first time since the chuunin exam, Sakura saw Team 7 again. 

Sasuke ignored her, focusing all his attention on Naruto. The latter had been close to the Third after all, and his death was hard on him. It saddened Sakura. But her heart was too cold and numb to comfort her teammate. There was a black hole in her, and it absorbed all her emotions, leaving only the pain out.

The Hokage was dead, but she could not have cared less about it. She had little sympathy left for the man who’d let the Village treat Naruto like he was utter shit. She stood next to Naruto in silence, hoping her presence was enough. On her other side, Kaka-sensei looked about as comfortable as she felt. 

Naruto and Sasuke disappeared afterwards, they looked like they needed to fight their emotions away or something. 

Kaka-sensei gestured at Sakura to follow him. They went back to his place, and he told her what had happened to the rest of Team 7 during the Konoha Crush over a cup of tea. 

Naruto had saved the day with giant Toad summons. It was just ridiculous enough to be typical Naruto. 

« I read your report. You did well, Sakura. I’m proud of you for winning your match, too. I’m sorry I couldn’t make it. I watched a recording yesterday, though. »

Kaka-sensei was being more talkative than usual, and Sakura didn’t know what to do with that. Didn’t he know? That it was her fault the Village was in this state? That it was her fault Sabi was dead? 

Her eyes wouldn’t focus on Kakashi-sensei. There was something in the corner of her eyes. Debris. An arm in a pool of ink black blood.

« _Momo_ , » Sabi said next to her. Sakura heard it. Loud and clear. The hair on her neck stood on end. She blinked and turned her head slowly towards the sound.

Nothing.

Nothing because Sabi was dead dead _d ead nevercomingbackgone_ and it was her fault. 

Sakura stood up abruptly. She needed to get out of here. She was suffocating. The walls were closing in on her. She couldn’t breathe anymore. She was guilty, didn’t Kakashi-sensei _know_? She’d told him, but it’d been too late. She’d been too late. Didn’t he _fucking_ know?

Kakashi-sensei called her name softly, and put a hand on her shoulder. She flinched at the touch. 

Why was he being so nice? _Why?_ Sakura looked up to his eye. Kaka-sensei didn’t look away like he usually did when she cried. 

« Genma told me, Sakura. I’m sorry for your loss. I’m sorry. » 

Then she was engulfed in a hug. The first one Kaka-sensei had ever given her, she realised. She trembled against him, but she couldn’t hug him back. She didn’t deserve his kindness. She wanted to throw up.

« Sensei, it’s my fault though. » Her voice broke at the end. She swallowed heavily and tried again. « I knew something was wrong, but I didn’t do anything. » 

She closed her eyes. She wished she could hug him back. She wished Sabi wasn’t dead. She wished the pain would go away. She wished, she wished, she wished. 

Kaka-sensei pulled back and guided her to sit on the sofa. Sakura’s head was throbbing with pain, in time with her pounding heart. Her fingers kept twitching, she wanted to reach for her blade. She wanted the reassurance of the cold handle in her hand. 

Kaka-sensei turned to face her. He waited for her to look at him before he spoke.

« Sakura, did you participate in the attack against the Village? » 

Sakura frowned at him. She could barely see through the tears. « No…? » She answered, confused. She sniffed, and Kaka-sensei handed her a tissue. She blew her nose, and he waited for her before he went on.

« Did you plan the attack? Did you provide any assistance to the Sound or Suna in their plans of invasion? » 

« Well, no, but… » 

« Maa, » he said, interrupting her. « Then it’s not your fault. You didn’t invade the Village. The Sound and Suna did. You did not kill your friend. She was killed by the Snake summons that ravaged the Village. There’s nothing you could have done. Orochimaru had made sure of that. You are not guilty of anything. Do you understand, Sakura? »

Sakura considered that. It did sound reasonable. And she hated that it did. She couldn’t let go of her guilt that easily. 

Yet she felt _relief_ at his words. She hated herself for it. Sabi was dead, and she deserved to feel like shit because of it. She closed her eyes against the tears. 

« Maa, » Kaka-sensei went on. « You helped many civilians during the Invasion. You should be proud of that. But you’re only one person, Sakura, there’s only so much you can do. » 

Sakura said nothing. It wasn’t her fault, because, no matter what she’d done, there was only so much a person could do during an Invasion. 

Especially someone as weak as her.

She was weak, _irrelevant_. There wasn’t much she could have done but there wasn’t much she was _capable_ of doing anyway. 

That thought made her pause. If she was being honest, she’d already gone down that road, after the Forest of Death, after Orochimaru. She’d felt incredibly useless and that was what had led her to reverse-summon herself. 

She opened her eyes again, and tried to remember what her therapist – Taupe Fedora as she liked to call them – had said in the Land of Rats. Something about unattainable expectations she held herself against.

The Rats had taught her a lot, they had. She wouldn’t make the same mistake of blaming herself for not being strong enough. Not when she kept giving everything she had. 

She was weak, and she hated it. But she’d learnt her lesson. She was improving, and it had to be enough. She wouldn’t let her feelings blind her again.

Even if Sabi was now _dead_. 

Her thoughts came to an abrupt stop at that, and soon her mind was spiralling back to everything she’d seen during the Invasion. The blood, the gore, Sabi’s dead body –

Part of her wanted to deny Sabi was dead. Part of her wanted to think there was still a way. But the images from the ruined workshop were burnt in her mind. She’d had a breakdown in a pool of Sabi’s blood. She’d held her cold, long dead arm. 

There was no denying it.

She felt like shit. Like someone was squeezing her heart. Maybe it wasn’t her fault. Maybe it was. Maybe it didn’t matter and she could let go of the guilt. It wouldn’t make the pain go away anyway.

She didn’t think there was anything Kaka-sensei could say to alleviate her grief, and she wasn’t sure she _wanted_ to alleviate it. She asked anyway. 

« Does it ever go away? » She asked in a tired voice. « The pain, I mean. »

« Not really. You learn to live with it. » He paused, and looked away. « Maa, » he went on, « I’m still not sure _I_ know how to deal with it, so I’m probably not very good advice. » 

Kaka-sensei laughed then, but it sounded so sad he might as well have been crying. He cringed. « Sorry. I’ve been told it makes people uncomfortable when I sound so dejected. » 

Sakura frowned. « That’s bullshit, » she said flatly. « If people care about you, then they wouldn’t want you to mask your feelings just to make them feel comfortable. I know I don’t want that at least. » 

Kaka-sensei’s eye was blank. « Maybe you’re right, » he said absentmindedly. 

« Of course I am, » she said. She tried to smirk, but her face muscles wouldn’t move right and she gave up. « Who the hell told you that anyway? » 

Kaka-sensei sighed. « Does it matter? » 

Not really. But Sakura would have welcomed the distraction kicking the ass of whoever had put that thought in her sensei’s mind would have provided. 

She sighed and rested her head against his arm. Kaka-sensei put his hand on her head and played with her hair. If she focused on her sensei – his breathing, his heartbeat, his warmth and how very much alive he was – then it was easier to ignore the pain in her chest. 

Kaka-sensei accompanied her to the mass funerals held for the civilian casualties in the afternoon. The procession started at the Hokage monument and ended at the cemetery. There were thousands of people, pressed together and mourning the dead quietly. 

Sakura and Kaka-sensei kept to the margins of the event, neither comfortable with such big crowds. Sakura cried in silence, and Kaka-sensei didn’t let go of her hand. 

**Two weeks after the Konoha Crush**

The numbness wouldn’t go away. No matter what she did. Not that she had the energy to do much beside _work work work_ anyway. 

Sakura spent most of her time helping with the clearing of the debris. Working was a nice distraction. She didn’t have to think, didn’t have to make decisions, really. That was the only thing that got her through the days, the predictability and the routine of it all. It didn’t keep her sane, exactly, but it kept her moving. And that was enough.

She either slept onsite, in the tents provided for those whose home had been destroyed during the Crush, or at Kaka-sensei’s. She felt comfortable in neither places – not that she slept much these days anyway. 

The first for obvious reasons. There were other people sleeping there, and it was too exposed for her taste. The second because Kaka-sensei was never there. He’d been sent on two missions, back to back, and he’d barely had enough time to sleep and eat a bit between the two.

Sakura hadn’t seen much of Anko or Genma either. Naruto had gone off to find the next Hokage with the Pervert Fucker – and who’d agreed to that? – and Sasuke had gone with them. Sakura was left behind, once more.

At least, it gave her time to make it up to Gizaman. Their first conversation after the Invasion could have gone better, maybe, but Gizaman wasn’t ignoring her. 

It gave her time to think about the Rats gang, too. Her gang. The gang she had to establish. Gods. It gave her time to think about it, but it was still a hard pill to swallow. 

A couple weeks after the mass funerals, she went to the market and bought black shinobi quality fabric in bulk. She used it to make some clothes. She’d grown a fair bit in the past months, and she needed discreet clothing if she were to roam in the sewers again. 

She didn’t let herself think about _that_. Or about how she’d have to wear a mask again. No, she very carefully didn’t think about it at all.

Clothes making was maybe the one good thing she’d learnt from her parents. How to make them, from negotiating fabric prices to designing the patterns to sewing them. 

She didn’t let herself think about her parents either. She didn’t care about them, she told herself when she caught herself slip. 

So, the numbness wouldn’t go away. But she kept busy, and she spent the rest of her time training with Gizaman. Life was shit, she was lonely and depressed, but it wasn’t completely unbearable. 

**One month after the Konoha Crush**

Sakura was lonely. Desperately so. Unbearably so. She hadn’t seen her friends in _weeks_. Gizaman was here a lot, but –

But she missed her friends. The ones who were still alive. The one who was dead, too, but it wasn’t the same feeling.

Kaka-sensei was due to come back today though, and she was self-conscious enough to admit she was looking forward to not sleeping alone for once. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d slept for more than five hours. Headaches were part of her everyday life now. And Gizaman wouldn’t let her take painkillers except when they got really bad. 

She got up early, feeling restless. She tried to cook for Kaka-sensei but… Well, she’d had to learn the basics with the Rats, considering she’d been on cooking duty a couple times a week, but still. She sucked. She tried her best anyway, and it looked half-decent, if she did say so herself. 

She waited the entire day. Then most of the night. She passed out at the kitchen table some time around 4 am. 

She was assigned a three day long C-rank mission the next morning, with some other genin from the genin corps. So much for seeing Kaka-sensei, she thought. She left a note with the leftovers. Hopefully they wouldn’t go to waste. She sighed, popped a caffeine pill and left the Village without looking back. 

It was another two weeks before they managed to see each other again. Kaka-sensei looked dead on his feet, and Sakura didn’t feel much better. She was in high-demand for C-ranks missions now, since the last one had gone fairly well. She was building herself quite a reputation as a dependable genin amongst genin from the corps and clan-less chuunin. C-ranks paid well, but it was all demanding work. 

« It’s good to see you, Sakura, » Kaka-sensei said before passing out at the kitchen table. There was something with passing out and this table, Sakura thought absently, reminded of her own passing out two weeks before. She sensed Kaka-sensei’s chakra reserves, and sighed when she found dangerously low. _Typical_. 

Not that she was much better. She’d worked on her chakra reserves a lot under Gizaman’s stern guidance, but they were still rather pathetic. Meaning that she finished most missions with a case of mild chakra exhaustion. 

Sensei finished most missions with a case of moderate to severe chakra exhaustion on top of physical exhaustion and mild to moderate hypoglycaemia because he was an _imbecile_. An overworked, overachieving and too competent for his own good imbecile. Sighing again, Sakura carried her sensei to his futon and lay down on her own. 

She woke up to a hand gently playing with her hair. She blinked a couple times, surprised by the fact that she felt safe and a little less like death warmed over than usual. She glared half-heartedly at the hand. She rolled over to look at Kaka-sensei, who’d sat up and was looking at her with a pensive expression. 

« Will you cut my hair? » She asked in lieu of greeting. She felt weird. She didn’t want to analyse her feelings. She didn’t want to think at all. The colours in the room looked brighter than usual, and it was unsettling. 

« Maa, if that’s really what you want, » Kaka-sensei said mildly. 

Her hair was disgusting, so she declared it needed to be washed. Kaka-sensei asked if she wanted him to do it, and she shrugged. She didn’t care either way. 

She didn’t have the energy to care about much these days.

Kaka-sensei took the shampoo bottle and gently massaged her hair with the scentless lotion. It felt nice, it felt really nice. Thankfully, it didn’t last too long, she could barely breathe by the end of it. It’d felt overwhelmingly nice. No one had ever touched her so gently. Maybe her parents had, when she’d been a baby. She didn’t remember it in any case. 

Kaka-sensei towelled her hair and Sakura blinked back her tears. Then he stood behind her to cut her hair. 

« Do whatever you want, » she said when he paused. She looked at her reflection. Her hair had grown a fair bit. She’d cut it last with the Rats, which had been three months ago. It was now long enough to get in her eyes, which was annoying.

« As long as it’s short, anything is fine. » 

Kaka-sensei hummed in answer. He was behind her, he had a pair of scissors next to her neck and –

And she expected to tense, but her body stayed relaxed. Her thoughts were only half-hearted at best. 

She frowned as she realised then how much she trusted Kaka-sensei. The thought didn’t scare her like she thought it might. It was just that it was –

Pleasant. 

Kaka-sensei didn’t care much about anything. He didn’t care about who she was, really. He was just here, with her. Nothing else mattered to him. She could choose never to come to him again, and she was sure he’d respect her decision as long as she was safe. 

Kaka-sensei started cutting her hair.

Snip. 

Snip.

Snip. 

Sakura closed her eyes. It felt really nice. 

« I’m done, » Kaka-sensei said half an hour later. Sakura opened her eyes. Her hair looked good. It was shorter than when she’d cut it herself for the first time. Kaka-sensei had kept it a bit longer on top, which she liked. 

« Thank you, » she said with a small but even voice. Kaka-sensei pulled down his mask and kissed the top of her head. He smiled slightly at her reflection in the mirror, the faintest of smiles really. Sakura could only smile back, her heart pounding in her chest. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d smiled. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this content. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt this much at all. 

Sakura didn’t allow herself to look too long at Kaka-sensei’s face, but it looked _normal_. He had a mole near his mouth, and crazy tan lines because of his mask. He had stubble too, and a faint scar on the bridge of his nose like it’d been broken years ago.

His face looked _normal_ and she’d seen it and… It actually didn’t change much for her. It was nice to know he somehow trusted her too, though. She wondered why he wore a mask at all. But it wasn’t her place to ask. So she didn’t say anything and Kaka-sensei put his mask back in place. 

« Sakura! » Sakura was meditating on her favourite training ground. She’d finally been given a day off. Sakura opened her eyes, and smiled at her friend. 

« Anko, » she said. « When did you get back? » She scrambled to her feet and tackled her friend in a bone-crushing hug.

« Early this morning. How are you holding up, brat? What have you been up to? Tell me everything I’ve missed. » 

Sakura pulled back from the hug. « Eh, not much. I’ve been doing reconstruction work and C-ranks with the genin corps. » She pouted, then. « It’s fine, but I’m tired. I haven’t had time to myself since the Invasion. But it’s the same for everyone, isn’t it? » 

Anko huffed. « Yeah. It pisses me off too. Everyone’s in a shit mood. The Village’s a mess, and I honestly don’t know what’s worse: being stuck with the same people mission after mission and seeing them get worse with each passing day, or being stuck in the Village with everything still half destroyed and everyone depressed as hell. » 

Sakura didn’t know either. « Well, I hope my depressed company won’t be too much of a burden on you. » 

Anko barked a laugh. « Don’t be stupid, brat. You know I’m happy to see you. And I’ve got something for you! » 

Anko handed her a scroll. Sakura opened it, revealing a dozen slots. « Come on! Unseal them! » 

Sakura unsealed the first one, which was a large tome that read _Mostly Harmless Biochemistry_. She looked up at Anko abruptly, with the beginning of a small smile on her lips. « Are these…? » 

Anko smiled a feral smile. « Yeah. Most of the theory I know on poisons and how to make them I learnt from these books. I don’t know if poisons’ll be your thing, but from a fellow assassin to another: knowledge on how the body works can only help you. » 

Sakura smiled. « Thanks, Anko. I’ll make you proud. » 

Anko ruffled her hair. « I’m sure you will, brat. » 

After that, they went to buy dango and sat on the Kanda river bank to enjoy the sweet treat. 

« How are you, seriously? » Anko asked. « Do you want to talk about it? » 

Sakura was grateful to have Anko in her life. She was the easiest person to talk to when it came to feelings. Anko had been through so much that she was desensitised to most stuff. Sakura could tell her the most awful things, and Anko would just nod, unruffled. 

It wasn’t to say that she didn’t care, or that she didn’t feel anything. She did have feelings. She just didn’t let things get too close to her. She’d been hurt too many times for that. 

For Sakura, it was reassuring to have someone who could listen to her and not freak out. 

Really, there were only two things that would really make Anko react: Orochimaru and blind cruelty. Anko had a cruel streak wider than the Kanda river in spate, but even she had limits on what she considered going too far. 

So Sakura talked. She told her friend about being the one to scout half-collapsed buildings for survivors, about blood and the stench of death. She told her about the numbness that some days felt like a fog and made it hard to think or to remember to eat. She told her about the anxiety that made it hard to breathe and that woke her up from nightmares drenched in a cold sweat. 

Anko listened, slowly chewing on her dango. 

Sakura talked for a long while, and her throat was dry when she finally stopped. She felt even more empty than she had before, but she also felt less burdened.

« I’m sorry this is happening to you, Sakura. I can’t promise you it’s gonna be alright, ‘cause I’m sure as hell not going to start lying to you now. » 

Anko paused to lick a finger that had a bit of red bean past on it. _Anko Dango_ was Anko’s favourite variety of dango. Sakura wouldn’t be surprised it was just because of the name. 

« I can promise you that you’re not alone, though. The Village’s a mess, and none of us stay around long each time we’re get to come back. But you do have people who care about you. So hang in there, yeah? And once things settle down a bit, make sure you see a Yamanaka. » 

She paused.

« Send a prayer to your Seven Gods of Fortune, will you? May we have enough down time to not just sleep and take a shit, but to actually breathe and go see a shrink and have a drink or two. » 

Sakura managed a small smile at her friend’s words. She did pray to the Seven Gods of Fortune that night, but Anko was gone the next day so she didn’t get to tell her friend. 

**Three months after the Konoha Crush**

Sakura looked appreciatively at the flak vest in her hands. The fabric was thick and excellent quality, although it looked rigid with how new it was. 

« Congratulations, » the new Hokage – a woman! An actual kunoichi! – told Shikamaru and her. She looked exhausted. Not in her face, which was deceptively young for someone who was supposed to be as old as the Pervert Fucker. No, it was her body language that betrayed her exhaustion. It was how rigidly she stood, as if she’d otherwise drop to the floor and never get back up. Sakura didn’t understand why Naruto wanted to become Hokage. It didn’t only look boring, but also stressful, lonely and _exhausting_. 

Sakura bowed low to the leader of her Village, as was expected. They were dismissed, and Shikamaru and she walked the long corridors outside the Hokage’s office at a sedate pace. 

She glanced at Shikamaru next to her. His face was his typical mask of boredom but his eyes were guarded. Shikamaru was a notoriously lazy person. The two of them were familiar enough that she thought of him as Shikamaru and not Nara, but they didn’t know each other well. She did know that he was actually lazy, though. It wasn’t a front. 

Kaka-sensei had told her Shikamaru had pretended to be affected by the genjutsu during the Invasion, so as to not be dragged in the fights. Sakura may not be particularly patriotic, but she still resented him for his behaviour. Even without engaging in the fights, he could have helped. People had died during the Invasion.

 _Sabi_ had died during the Invasion.

She wouldn’t trust Shikamaru with her life if she could help it. 

He’d probably been promoted because someone had to be. They needed more leaders, more _important_ chuunin. He’d be sent on escort missions, or accompany diplomatic ones. High stakes, low risks missions. He was the heir of the Nara clan after all. No one expected him to go on _unimportant_ missions, and his life wouldn’t put at risk.

 _She_ ’d been promoted because she’d done well and they needed more higher-rank cannon fodder. She was an expendable chuunin, she had no illusion on that matter. She’d probably end up on escort missions as well, but to more dangerous countries, and with less important clients. She’d be sent on low stakes assassinations, maybe, and on information gathering missions. Low stakes, high risks missions. 

She tried not to be bitter. She didn’t completely succeed. She didn’t want to be a diplomat anyways, she reasoned. She wanted to be an assassin. 

She wondered what Shikamaru could read from her. If he resented her for ending her friendship with Ino, and for hurting Ino’s feelings again when she’d tried to make up with her. She wondered what he saw when he looked at her, and if he ever did look. 

She wondered, she wondered, she wondered. 

They reached the exit doors. 

« Shikamaru, » she called. He turned to face her, his face betraying nothing except his apparent boredom. 

« Congratulations, » she said. She didn’t smile, but she did inject some warmth in her voice. She wasn’t sure he’d appreciate her usual monotone. He’d probably interpret it as sarcasm. 

Shikamaru sighed, as if this was a _drag_. She fought not to bristle at his attitude. 

Her anger was more unpredictable and difficult to control these days.

« This is such a drag, though, » he said in a plaintive tone. He was predictable, really. He crossed his arms. « I’ll have to work more from now on. » 

He didn’t reciprocate the congratulations, not that Sakura cared much. Still, she’d avoid him at all cost. She didn’t trust him and she liked him even less. Sakura nodded at him and left. 

« Sakura! » Naruto called. Sakura had walked to Team 7’s usual training ground, lost in thoughts. Naruto and Sasuke were back it seemed, and Sakura bit back a sigh. She had no idea how Naruto would react to her promotion. She doubted Sasuke would appreciate it.

« Naruto, Sasuke, it’s been a while! How have you two been? » She asked pleasantly. Her voice sounded a bit flat, still, and Naruto frowned as he looked her up and down. She looked down but no, she hadn’t forgotten to wash the blood off after her last mission. 

It had happened before and Gizaman had made fun of her before drenching her in ice cold water with a water jutsu. « If you wash blood with warm water it’ll leave stains, » Gizaman had said. 

« I know, » she’d hissed, because she did know. The Green Spirit had learnt that early on, and it had come in handy that one time she’d had her period – then they’d given her the Pill and she hadn’t had her periods since. 

« You didn’t have to wash _me_ with my clothes, gods. You’re such an asshole. I don’t even _care_ about stains! That’s why all my clothes are black and you know that. » Gizaman had shrugged, not looking very sorry. She’d still been mad at Sakura at the time. And Gizaman had always been incredibly petty. 

Sakura shook her head to clear her mind and stopped in front of her two teammates. She realised she was taller than both of them. She’d always been taller than Naruto – not hard, he was _tiny_. But now that she was eating properly – she had Gizaman to thank for that, or she’d probably lost all her gained weight already – her body had decided it was time to expand and she’d grown taller than even Sasuke. 

She was also six months older than she was supposed to be, thanks to her time with the Rats. 

« Why are you wearing a chuunin vest, » Naruto asked instead of answering. « Did you borrow one? » He cocked his head to the side, confused. 

Sasuke frowned. « You’re not allowed to wear one as a genin, » he said. 

Sakura looked at the two of them. Was it so unbelievable that she’d been promoted? 

« I’ve been made chuunin, » she said flatly, stating the obvious. « Shikamaru as well, » she added. 

Naruto frowned. « That lazy dude got promoted before me?! » He crossed his arms and huffed. Then he seemed to realise something, and he blinked before smiling brightly at Sakura. « Congrats, though, Sakura! » She smiled back, grateful for his positive reaction. 

Sasuke finally snapped out of the deep thoughts he’d fallen into, and glared at Sakura. 

« They promoted you? Based on what? Your amazing ability to go unnoticed and your awe-inducing mediocrity? » 

Sakura raised an eyebrow. She’d spent half a year with the Rats. Sasuke’s insults were childish and didn’t even hurt that much. Oh, yes, they hurt, especially since she’d entertained a crush on Sasuke for years. But his opinion didn’t matter to her quite as much as it used to. 

And today was not a good day, she’d woken up completely numb, as if Sabi had died just yesterday. Apparently, it was _normal_. Grief was worse some days than others, and for no good reasons, Kaka-sensei had told her. Still, she wasn’t in the mood to deal with Sasuke’s shit temper.

« Whatever you say, Sasuke. » She hesitated before deciding that no, she wouldn’t raise to the bait and answer with insults of her own. She didn’t need her teammate as her enemy. 

« Well, let’s see if you’re so strong, » he said with a sneer. « Fight me. One on one, all in. I’ll show you what real strength looks like, since I doubt you’ve ever seen or experienced it. » 

Sakura smiled thinly. « I’ll pass, thanks. See you around, guys, » she said with a small wave. She was tired of this conversation. Sasuke bristled and threw a kunai to her back. Sakura thanked the Seven Gods of Fortune for her reflexes and used a kawarimi to substitute herself with a falling leaf behind Sasuke. Autumn was well under way. 

Sasuke was fast, though. He palmed another kunai and turned to confront her. Sakura refused to move. She let the kunai stab her in the shoulder, to Sasuke’s shock, and used the proximity to kick him hard in the chest. He fell to the ground with a huff. Sakura had her blade to his throat before he could move. 

The fight would have lasted longer, and she might have lost, had he not once again underestimated her. She didn’t care about getting hurt a bit if it meant she could finish the fight fast. She’d been beaten to the ground, tortured, and had still managed to get up afterwards. A kunai in the arm meant _nothing_. 

Sasuke’s eyes were filled with loathing. Sakura sneered. He’d started this, in the most cowardly way possible. Not that Sakura cared – shinobi didn’t bother with things like honour. But still, he’d wanted a fight, and he’d had one. He could only blame himself for the outcome. 

Naruto put his hand on hers, the one holding the wakizashi. 

« Sakura, » he said slowly. As if it’d been her who’d attacked her teammate. She frowned and took a step back, sheathing her blade. Then she looked at Naruto with fury in her eyes. 

But Naruto wasn’t looking at her anymore. He was looking at Sasuke with a sad and yearning look on his face. Sakura’s rage left her, leaving her feeling numb and empty once more. She loved her teammates, she did, but now she knew. 

They weren’t meant to work together. Not the three of them.

Sasuke didn’t respect anyone. He did care about them, he’d shown them that during the chuunin exam and even in Wave. But that didn’t mean he was ready to work with them. He had a soft spot for Naruto, but depending on the day he could just as well quietly encourage or insult him. 

Naruto cared about Team 7, but he was stubborn and impulsive. He was self-righteous and didn’t listen to orders. Especially when Sasuke was involved. The two of them had a deep bond Sakura couldn’t begin to understand. 

Not that she wanted to anyway. 

But the fact was that their bond was unique and made it hard to work with the two. Sakura didn’t fit in their relationship. And unlike her, they were high profiles, too. Objectively speaking, sticking with them wasn’t strategic, career-wise. 

She would probably still work with them if they actually wanted to. But it was clear they didn’t.

So Sakura let go of her teammates. She didn’t let go of her affection or care for them, but she let go of the hope that they might work well together one day. From now on, her genin team didn’t exist as a team to her anymore.

She’d given them a chance, like Kaka-sensei had asked. Hell, she’d given them many chances. She’d tried and tried again, and not once had they taken her side. She knew Kaka-sensei wouldn’t hold it against her. It wasn’t like she wouldn’t protect her teammates if need be. But she wouldn’t work with them anymore if she could avoid it.

They could be friends, but they wouldn’t be partners for missions if she had any say in it.

She left without looking back, and no one tried to stop her. 

Sakura was aggressively chopping an eggplant when she felt two people stop in front of Kaka-sensei’s door. One chakra signature she recognised immediately as Genma, the other she didn’t know. She frowned and turned to face the door. 

« Hey squirrel, » Genma greeted her brightly as he entered the studio. A smaller man followed behind him. He had brown hair, a weird forehead protector that covered part of his cheeks, and black, almond-shaped eyes with heavy shadows underneath them. His eyes were weirdly blank. They looked at her with curiosity, but other than that they were completely neutral. Neither positive nor negative, just – neutral.

« Hello, Sakura-san, » the man greeted. « My name is Tenzou. Nice to meet you. » 

« Good afternoon Tenzou-san, » she said pleasantly with her best customer smile. She was still in a shit mood due to Sasuke’s reaction to her promotion. The asshole had tore a hole in her tee-shirt with his kunai. She didn’t care for the stab wound either, but the hole really was what pissed her off. She didn’t have money to throw on high quality fabric every other fucking day!

Genma shivered at her smile. She turned her head sharply to look at Genma. « Genma, » she said, still pleasantly. « I haven’t seen you in a while. » She let her smile grow hungry and feral, and Tenzou shifted uncomfortably in her peripheral vision. 

« I’ve missed you, » she said in her sweetest voice. Genma raised his hands apologetically. She wouldn’t taker her anger on her friend, she wasn’t that much of an asshole. It wasn’t his fault she was in a shit mood. Still, messing with him was fun.

« Come on, squirrel, it’s not my fault! I’ve been worked to the bone. » 

Sakura played idly with the knife in her hand. She stared at Genma for a long, uncomfortable minute. Genma held his ground, but he smelled like anxiousness.

Sakura let go of her act and snorted. Genma pouted, but then Sakura tackled him with a hug and he was smiling again.

« It’s good to see you, Sakura. And is it a chuunin vest that I see? » 

Sakura pulled back and showed her vest proudly. « Yup! I got promoted today. »

« Well done, squirrel. You deserve it. » Sakura beamed at the compliment. She looked back at Tenzou, then. 

« What are you two doing here anyways? » 

Genma put a hand to his heart, and wiped fake tears. « Can’t I visit my favourite squirrel? » 

Sakura raised an eyebrow at his theatrics. It was the exact same pose her sensei affectioned. 

« Gods, you’ve spent too much time with Kaka-sensei. I don’t wanna know what the two of you have been up to together, but he’s definitely a bad influence, » she said, wrinkling her nose. 

Genma laughed, and Tenzou sighed wearily. « At least you don’t have to deal with the two of them on missions, Sakura-san. I assure you this is nothing. » 

Sakura snickered. « Just Sakura is fine. And is that why you look so tired, Tenzou-san? I’d be exhausted too, having to partner up with these two weirdos. » 

Genma put her in a headlock. « Is this how I raised you, young lady? Don’t badmouth your elders. »

« Ah, sorry old man, » she said, sticking her tongue out. « You got to me too late, I was already a full-grown brat by the time you decided to take me in. » 

Genma sighed but didn’t release his hold on her. « Unfortunate but true. Now, Tenzou, do you know where Kakashi keeps the good stuff? » 

Tenzou blinked at the abrupt change of subject. « I’m afraid not. Senpai always makes me buy alcohol beforehand. I can go and buy some drinks, if you want. »

« Thanks, Tenzou, » Genma said cheerfully. 

« I want a drink too, please, Tenzou-senpai, » Sakura said with her cutest smile. « Tenzou-senpai, » he repeated blankly. Then he looked at Genma.

Genma frowned at her. « Aren’t you, like, eight? » He said pensively. 

« I’m thirteen and you know it. Asshole. » 

Genma barked a laugh. « We do have to celebrate your promotion anyway, » he said, nodding at Tenzou. Tenzou left with another tired sigh. 

Genma and Sakura spent the next half hour catching up, and Sakura didn’t think she’d smiled this much in a couple months.

Not since Sabi’s death. 

That thought made her smile falter but she forced herself to stay in the present. She’d missed Genma, she didn’t want to get lost in her head now. 

Tenzou-senpai came back with Kaka-sensei in tow, and Sakura stood up from the sofa to show off her new flak vest. 

« Well done, Sakura, » Kaka-sensei said with a fake eye-smile. Sakura frowned. Why was he acting weird all of the sudden? 

« Thank you, sensei, » she said slowly. 

« Maa, I’m not really your sensei anymore, Sakura, » he said, looking away. His whole posture was rigid and his voice colder than usual. _Oh_ , Sakura thought. Kaka-sensei had told her that he just wanted them to survive to chuunin. Now his mission was done, when it came to her at least. 

It hurt. It hurt so fucking much. It felt like being punched in the ribs, and for a few seconds she forgot to breathe. All the time they’d spent together, was it all for nothing? Would he really brush her aside once more, just like that? 

Sakura didn’t let the hurt show on her face. She briefly pondered on what could have been. Had Kaka-sensei not been as fucked up. Had the whole of Team 7 managed to worm a place in his heart. 

But Kaka-sensei had enough trauma to drown in it. And so did all the members of Team 7. She couldn’t judge him, she wouldn’t. He’d done what he could, all he could as their sensei. And it still looked like it had hurt him. She couldn’t ask him for more when he was so clearly not ready.

Sakura had learnt a lot since she’d come back from Waves. She knew she couldn’t push on the sensei issue. But she could and would push on the _friendship_ issue. She was pretty sure they were friends already. Kaka-sensei just had to _see_. 

She wasn’t ready to lose him. He was one of the few people she truly loved and cared about. Even if his reaction to her promotion was enough to make her tear up. 

« Well, Kakashi, » she started with an innocent smile. Kaka-sensei’s eye snapped to hers in shock. She was being awfully familiar. Anko would be proud. Her smile grew sharper at his face. 

« If you think for one second I’m going to let you disappear, let me tell you you’re very, very wrong, » she said with a smile too full of teeth. « You may not be my sensei anymore, but I care about you and you _know_ you care about me too. It’s too late to get rid of me now. » 

Kakashi stared at her for some long seconds before sighing. « Alright, pup, » he said tiredly. Well, at least he had the sense not to persist in his stupidity. 

Genma laughed, then. « Kakashi, you idiot. I can’t believe you honestly thought this would work. You’re stuck with all of us, so stop pretending you don’t like it. We can see right through you. » 

Kakashi narrowed his eye and pouted at that. « It was worth a shot, » he said. That hurt a lot, too. Did he really want to get rid of her that much? He looked at Sakura again, more seriously. « Considering our line of work and my reputation, being… close to me isn’t exactly safe, Sakura. I’d understand if you changed you mind. Maa, I’d even recommend you change your mind. » 

Sakura raised an eyebrow at him. That was such a stupid excuse. « Well, I’m your former student anyways, so I don’t think it’d matter whether we still talk now or not. And I literally live with you at the moment. »

She paused, and waited for him to look her in the eyes before she went on. « I won’t change my mind. » 

Kakashi’s shoulders drooped, and Genma laughed at him again. Kakashi straightened and turned to face him. « I hate you all, » he said with a terrifying eye-smile that promised pain. 

« Stop lying to yourself, senpai, » Tenzou called flatly from the kitchen. 

Alcohol was awful. And brilliant. The taste was _not very good_. But she’d drunk enough that it didn’t really taste anything anymore. The effects were funny. Sakura couldn’t think well right now, though. So forming an opinion on the matter was hard.

« Genma, » she said very seriously, suddenly inspired. Genma hummed. « I love you so fucking much, » she said fiercely. 

« Me too, squi…squirr… » Tenzou choked on his drink as Genma struggled to say « squirrel » for a good thirty seconds. « Squirrel! » He said finally, triumphant. Sakura beamed at him. Genma loved her too!

« Sensei, » Sakura whined, dragging all the syllables. « ‘M not your sensei anymore, _squirrel_ , » Kaka-sensei mumbled. His head was resting on Tenzou’s shoulder. He’d taken off his mask a while ago, and it had made Sakura smile that he felt safe with them. 

« Sure you are! » Sakura protested. 

« Am not! »

« Are too! »

« Are you two five years old? » Tenzou said flatly, making his scary face. It was a _terrifying_ face. 

Sakura gulped, tears gathering in her eyes. « But… But Tenzou-senpai… » Her lower lip wobbled, and Genma let out an outraged cry. « Tenzou! Don’t make Sakura cry! » Genma hid Sakura’s face in his chest. 

Sakura giggled against Genma’s chest, her tears forgotten. Everything was so funny! What had she been sad about anyway? 

Oh, right. She gasped and jumped to her feet. She almost fell in the process, but Tenzou caught her. She thanked him, and stood in front of Kaka-sensei. 

« Do you really not care about me, sensei? » 

« Sakura, » Kaka-sensei whined. « It’s too late to ask questions like that. And ‘m not your sensei. » 

« That’s the shittiest excuse you’ve ever shat! That’s, like, double shitty! » She answered angrily. She ignored Tenzou and Genma snickering at her words. 

« I need to know, » she pressed. « Because it hurt a lot when you said you’re not my sensei anymore. » 

Kaka-sensei looked away for a few seconds. He blinked slowly, then looked at Sakura again. « Maa, Sakura. » 

He paused. 

« Don’t make me say it, » he said, his tone almost imploring. 

Sakura crossed her arms and didn’t move. Kaka-sensei crossed his too, his head still on Tenzou’s shoulder. 

He looked away first. « Alright, » he muttered. « I care about you, » he said so lowly Sakura barely heard. « What was that? » She asked, just to be a little shit. 

Kaka-sensei narrowed his eye. He stood up abruptly, making Sakura stumble back. Kaka-sensei over-balanced and almost fell on her. 

« Hm, » he said dizzily as he found his balance. Standing up was hard, Sakura could relate. « You’ve grown, pup. » 

And she had! Before the chuunin exam, she’d barely reached his shoulders. It’d been nine months though, counting the six in the Land of Rats, and now her head reached just under his chin if he stood up properly.

Kaka-sensei shook his head and put his hands on her shoulders. « Listen to me, Sakura-pup. » 

Sakura straightened. « Sensei, » she said solemnly. 

Kaka-sensei sighed. « Not your sensei anymore. Anyway. I’ll say this once ‘cause I’m drunk and I’ll deny it if you ever mention it. » 

Sakura nodded.

« I care about you, » he said solemnly. « Pup, » he added as an afterthought. 

Sakura got teary-eyed again. « Fuck, sensei, you can’t say shit like that, » she whined. She sniffed. « I love you sensei. You’re an asshole just like Genma and Anko and Gizaman and you’re mine too. If you try to get rid of me again I’ll break your nose and explode your apartment. » 

Kaka-sensei frowned at her. « You’re making me feel emotional. Stop it, » he said. He put his hands in his pockets. 

« I was never meant to be a sensei. Let’s forget I was ever one. I’m not needed anymore anyway, and it’s for the best. » 

Sakura had no idea what he meant by that.

« Maa, you can call me senpai if you want. That way, you and Tenzou can bond over my bubbly personality, » he said with a satisfied eye-smile. It was funny how he sometimes forgot to smile with his lips, too.

Tenzou huffed and grabbed him by the back of his shirt to make him sit down again. ~~Kaka-sensei~~ Kaka-senpai immediately put his head back on his shoulder, and Tenzou put an arm around him to stabilise him. 

« Sakura, » Tenzou said. « I don’t know how you survived having Kakashi-senpai as your sensei, but I admire you a lot for that. If you ever need anything, let me know. » 

Sakura bowed deep. « Thank you, senpai. » 

She stood up and poked Kaka-senpai’s cheek. « Don’t forget what I said, Kaka-senpai. » She mostly didn’t stumbled on her words, and smiled proudly at that. « It’s too late to get rid of me. And I know three of your friends now, so don’t even try. » 

Kaka-senpai ruffled her hair and pulled her in a hug. She fell on him, laughing. Alcohol was pretty nice, she decided. 

Alcohol was _the worst_. Her head felt too small for her brain. She wanted to throw up. She was never drinking again, she vowed as she slowly opened her eyes. They’d apparently put the two futon together – the details were a bit fuzzy in her head – and she was lying between Kaka-senpai and Genma, thankfully not touching either of them. She could sense Tenzou on Kaka-senpai’s other side. They were all still fast asleep. Satisfied everyone was alright, she closed her eyes again. She’d deal with the day when she felt less like shit.

Kaka-senpai told her later that she could call her Kaka-sensei still. He looked embarrassed – not that most people would be able to tell. Sakura smirked. He probably didn’t want to deal with other people wondering why she was calling him _senpai_ when he was meant to be her sensei. He’d told her to call him that because he’d been drunk, but it was too late to take it back. 

« It’s fine, Kaka-senpai, » she said brightly. She bowed. « Please take care of me. » 

Kaka-senpai sighed but didn’t argue. 

Sakura was stirring absent-mindedly a light-blue solution. She was mentally planning her afternoon. It wasn’t often she had a day off, and gods knew she needed the time off. 

She blinked back tears when her thoughts inevitably took her to Sabi. Had she still been here, Sakura would have spent the afternoon with her. 

But there was no point thinking about that. Sabi was dead. Not coming back. Not here anymore. And maybe some day thinking about Sabi wouldn’t feel like she was stabbing her own heart, but for now it did. So she pushed the thoughts away.

Maybe she’d go to Akasen in the evening. She felt she was getting closer to finding a solution for her _leg problem_. But going to Akasen meant Gizaman would insist on them taking another mission on the black market. Which, _ugh_. Thank the Seven Gods of Fortune the Uchiha clan was gone. The Village had never been the same since, and illegal activities were less monitored. They didn’t have an entire clan dedicated to policing citizens anymore, after all. 

Not that she was particularly happy about the genocide, but silver lining and all that. Since she was now an aspiring criminal, she could admit the disappearance of the whole police force worked in her favour. 

Sakura smirked, as she stared absently at the beaker. A year ago, this sort of thinking would have appalled her. Now she found it vaguely amusing. She’d changed a lot, hadn’t she? 

She blinked back to the solution she was stirring when she heard hissing. She frowned. Was it supposed to do that? Glancing at the instructions somewhat absently, she paled at the words she read and immediately performed a kawarimi with an erlenmeyer flask farther away. 

It was just in time, too. There was a bang and a flash, then smoke and Sakura coughed. An alarm blared somewhere. Sakura tried to suppress the too large grin that had stretched her lips at the surge of adrenaline. Anko was _so_ going to throttle her. 

« Ah, Anko… Anko-san, it’s alright, it was just a small explosion, » Shizune-san reasoned.

Shizune-san was nice. Anko had introduced them today. She was a poison expert, specialised in antidotes, as well as an accomplished medic nin. As the Hokage’s apprentice, she was well-connected. She’d told Sakura about medic nin and that she could help her secure an apprenticeship if Sakura wanted. 

Sakura didn’t. She was training to be a killer, not a healer. 

But it’d been nice of her. 

On another note, considering Anko’s and Shizune-san’s flushed cheeks and bright eyes, and Shizune-san’s hesitation when addressing Anko, Sakura was pretty sure the two were involved. She smirked inwardly. That was gold blackmail material. 

She kept her face blank though, because she didn’t have a death wish. Anko had a kunai to her throat and flames in her eyes. 

« I’m sorry, Anko, » she said, looking her in the eyes to let her know she was sincere. « I’ll be more careful next time. I didn’t get hurt, but the lab bench’s a bit damaged I think. » 

« Fuck the lab bench, » Anko spat, not moving her kunai. Sakura felt guilty. Anko had probably been quite worried when she’d heard the explosion. 

« I’m fine, Anko, » Sakura repeated, putting her hand on Anko’s. Anko narrowed her eyes and pressed the kunai, nicking the thin skin of her throat. Shizune-san gulped and took a step forward. Sakura frowned at Shizune-san’s concerned face. What was she worried about? Sakura was in no danger here. It was just Anko’s way of showing her concern. 

« I really am, so stop the mother hen act, » Sakura whined. Anko huffed and pulled back at last. The kunai disappeared in her long sleeves. 

Anko’s lips stretched in something that vaguely looked like a smile. « Next time something explodes, brat, it better be because you actually want it to. » 

There was a heavy threat in her tone, and Sakura gulped before pouting. She was pretty sure Anko wouldn’t let her in the lab unsupervised again any time soon. 

Sakura found out about the Pervert Fucker being Naruto’s godfather later that day. Shizune-san let it slip, when they went to grab dango after the explosion Sakura had caused. Sakura didn’t react outwardly, but inwardly she was fuming. Even more so when Shizune-san explained that he was considering taking Naruto to travel with him for a couple years as his apprentice.

The Pervert Fucker was a pervert. And a fucker. There was no way in all of the eight realms of hell Sakura would let Naruto in his care for _years_. 

« Kakashi-senpai, » she said that evening. « I heard Jiraiya-sama wants to take Naruto with him on his travels, » she said carefully. Kaka-senpai was sprawled on the sofa, reading a book on chakra affinities across the shinobi nations. He raised an eyebrow at her tone. Sakura didn't mince words around him, not anymore. 

« Maa, you’ve heard well, » he said, just as carefully. He sat up properly on the sofa and closed his book. 

Sakura clenched her fists to keep them from trembling, and she put them in the pockets of her sweater. She couldn’t leave her teammate in the care of a pervert who’d already been inappropriate to him. She had to do this, no matter how uncomfortable if made her feel. 

« If I may, senpai, I don’t find this decision very wise. » 

« How so? » Kaka-senpai said mildly. Sakura swallowed around the lump in her throat. This was fine, she reminded herself. Kaka-senpai was actually listening to her, this was good. 

« Jiraiya-sama is a venerable sannin, » she started, « however his company may not be suitable for a growing and impressible teenager. » 

Kaka-senpai’s gaze hardened. He considered her carefully. « Enough of this, Sakura, speak plainly. » His tone softened his words, but only slightly so. 

Ever since she’d started calling him senpai, his attitude had changed. He treated her a bit like he treated Tenzou-senpai, she reckoned. Friendly, but bossier in a way. He expressed his authority more, but most of the time it was in a benevolent way. To let her know she could trust him, or to help her improve herself. 

It was weird that he’d sucked so much at being a sensei when he was such a great senpai.

Sakura looked him in the eye. « He’s a pervert, senpai. » 

Kaka-senpai frowned when she didn’t develop further. It was getting hard to breathe, she wasn’t sure she could do this. Then his eye widened slightly.

« Sakura, » he said slowly. « Did he proposition you? » 

Sakura couldn’t breathe. Tears were gathering in her eyes, and she closed them for a second. « You don’t have to say anything, » Kaka-senpai said. « Just a nod is enough. I need confirmation, Sakura. » 

Sakura bit her lower lip hard, finding comfort in the pain. It was maddening, really. When Jiraiya had harassed her, she’d been too enraged to be disturbed. And then she’d been busy threatening him, and after that she’d pushed the incident out of her mind after that. 

But recalling his behaviour, talking about it… It made her deeply uncomfortable. The memory of his disgusting gaze on her, of his hand on her shoulder, made her feel nauseous and dirty. It reminded her of the events that had led to her Split. It reminded her of being powerless, of being taken advantage of. 

She breathed in and out, detaching herself from her feelings. From the nausea that had settled in her guts. 

« He leered at me and flirted with me. He told me to come visit him when I’m older, that we’d have a great time. » she said, her tone flat. 

« And he would only teach Naruto after he used the sexy no jutsu. He leered at Naruto and made inappropriate comments when Naruto wasn’t using the jutsu as well. Ah, » she added at his confused look. « It’s a jutsu of his invention that turns him into a naked young woman. Like a henge. And Jiraiya-sama also kept trying to peer into the woman’s baths. » 

Kaka-senpai had gone very still. He clenched and unclenched his fists a couple times. « I see, » he said slowly. He looked lost and angry. Sakura wondered if he knew Jiraiya personally. 

« So you can’t let Naruto go with him, » she pushed. « I don’t care that it’s a great opportunity. I don’t care that the Pervert Fucker is a legendary shinobi. I don’t care that he’s Naruto’s godfather. » 

It was easier to speak if she focused on her anger. 

« I don’t care. I won’t let my teammate spend years alone with someone like that. » 

She looked away. « I know you’re not my sensei anymore, but you’re still Naruto’s, right? So you’ve got to help me protect him. » 

She paused and scratched the short hair on her neck. 

« Especially since Naruto trusts too easily. Everyone’s an asshole to him here ‘cause of what he is. So when someone’s just decent he thinks they’re being nice and is willing to do too much for them. I know the pervert asshole’s Naruto godfather. But if he wanted to take on that role he could have done so twelve years ago, like he should have if he cared at all. » 

She frowned. 

« You can’t let him take Naruto, senpai. » 

Kaka-senpai blinked slowly. He looked pained. « I’ll take care of it, » he said. « Thank you for telling me. » Sakura nodded and finally sat down next to him. He ruffled her hair, and she pressed against him. She trusted his words. It didn’t matter that she was still hurt by what he’d said, when he’d tried to push her away. It didn’t matter that she resented him for it. She trusted he’d do whatever was necessary to keep Naruto safe.

« Thank you, senpai. » 

  
**Five months after the Konoha Crush**

Sakura breathed in and out. She was calm.

She jumped and landed with her knees on the woman’s shoulders. She pressed her thighs tight around her neck and pivoted them abruptly. The woman’s neck snapped. Sakura fell to the ground and rolled. The shorter man tried to stab her as she got to her feet. Gizaman flattened him against the wall with a burst of wind. 

A wet thud. The man slumped, dead. The last man tried to run away. Sakura unsheathed her sword. She connected a chakra thread to the handle and threw it towards the running man. It impaled itself in his neck. Sakura yanked the blade back to her. She cleaned it on the woman’s clothes and sheathed it. 

Sakura breathed in and out. 

She knelt to search the woman’s corpse. Warm blood dampened her knees. 

Sakura breathed in and out. 

There was blood on her hands. Everywhere. She couldn’t breathe. She was choking on it. Drowning in a pool of ink black blood. 

She bit her lower lip hard enough to taste blood. Her blood. Real blood. She looked at her gloved hands. They were muddy but free of blood. She counted to ten, slowly, reminding herself where she was and what she was doing. 

_Sewers, section H23; take down three people suspected of being the heads of a human trafficking operation; bring their heads back for identification._

She shook her head to clear her mind. « You got anything? » She asked Gizaman. She sounded winded, strained. 

« Yeah, » Gizaman said. « I’ve never seen or smelled anything like this. What in the eighth realm of hell do people get high on these days? » 

Sakura joined Gizaman next to the man’s body. She lit her flashlight, the diffused light of the neons above not sufficient for her to see clearly. Gizaman had a small, transparent packet in her hand. In it was a pale, blue powder. Gizaman handed her the packet and Sakura inspected its content in the light. She’d never seen anything like this either. She frowned.

« Let’s get rid of the bodies and get out of here. » 

Sakura cut the three heads and sealed them in a black scroll. She closed her eyes and meditated for a few minutes. When she opened her eyes again, they were entirely black. The Rats’ Sage mode allowed her to hear ultrasounds and to communicate with most rodents. She called all the rats she could sense, which was quite a lot. This was why she did this kind of business in the sewers after all. She called them to feast on the corpses of the enemies they’d defeated. 

The rats answered her call, and soon the three corpses were covered in them. Sakura hummed to herself and petted Gizaman’s fur as the rats feasted. Once done, they scattered as fast as they’d come. Sakura covered the now clean bones with a powder she’d developed for this purpose. She lit it with a spark of chakra, and watched the bones burn to ashes. Gizaman dispersed them with a burst of wind. 

She looked again at the packet in her hand. She had a bad feeling about this. 

Sakura breathed in and out. She handed the black scroll to Ai, who was reading a battle axes catalogue at the counter. Ai was a tall woman with impressive arms. Her skin was darker than Sakura’s – Kumo, and probably not mixed-race like Sakura was. Her scalp was shaved on the right side, revealing a light blue tattoo. Sakura wasn’t sure what it represented. It looked dangerous and captivating. Just like Ai.

Sakura was glad for her mask. No matter how many times she came here for clandestine missions, she found herself staring.

Ai took the scroll and left her there without a word. She came back after a couple minutes. 

« There you go, » Ai said, handing her an envelope. Sakura refused the money and crossed her arms. Ai sighed. 

« Alright. It’s your funeral. »

Ai pocketed the envelope and took another one out of the pocket in her apron. Sakura grabbed it but Ai didn’t let go. « Look at it here then burn it. This ain’t leaving my shop. » 

Sakura nodded and opened the envelope. She took a minute to memorise the map then channeled her chakra into a spark to ignite the paper. She watched it burn in her gloved hand. Not as satisfying as exploding stuff, she thought wistfully. 

Sakura turned to leave. « Tell Karin I said hi, » Ai said. Sakura nodded once then she shunshined away. Draining, but necessary. She couldn’t get caught so close to her goal. 

She went back to Kaka-senpai’s apartment after several random shunshin and kawarimi. Once there, she breathed in and out, slowly. She went to the bathroom, her hands trembling. She’d taken the mask off after the third shunshin. 

Her face was pale, and she spotted smeared blood on her cheek, near her long scar. There must have been blood on her gloves after all.

She blinked. Warm blood was dampening the thick fabric of her pants, just around the knees. 

She was on her knees, in a pool of a woman’s blood. 

A pool of cold blood. Sabi. 

The memory was gone as fast as it’d come. Sakura turned away from the mirror just in time to empty the content of her stomach in the toilet bowl. 

« _Fuck_ , » she rasped with a sigh. 

It was dark. The kind of darkness that felt alive. Like it could swallow you whole. Sakura worried her lower lip between her teeth. She was buzzing with anxiety. 

She lit her flashlight. The shadows stretched infinitely. Dust particles danced in the light beam. She caught movement in her peripheral vision and turned sharply. Nothing. Sighing, she counted her kunai as she looked around. Four huge glass tubes filled with a thick green liquid were standing near the back wall, with a meter between each tube. They were big enough to fit two adult standing side by side. There was foam at the top of the tubes. The smell was nasty. 

Her mind supplied her with possibilities of what could have gone on here. She promptly shut down that line of thinking. 

So this was it. One of Orochimaru’s former labs. This was it. What she’d been looking for for months. 

She searched the whole place and after an hour, she found them. Notes on the experiments. Folders full of them. She refused to think, to even look at them. Later. She’d deal with this horror later. 

She retrieved a storage scroll and sealed everything she found in it. Her hands were trembling, but Gizaman wasn’t here to comment on it. 

Once back at Kaka-senpai’s apartment, Sakura made sure to close all the blinds before she took out her scroll. She unsealed everything, and spent most of the night pouring over the papers. 

Orochimaru was a sick, terrible person. She’d known that before, had never doubted it. But now she knew it with a clarity she wished she’d never had. The experiment described were horrifying on paper, and she couldn’t imagine what it was like to actually _conduct_ them. 

It started with experiments on war prisoners. That was how they’d developed the current formula for soldier pills, she learnt. 

Through trial and errors on unwilling shinobi. 

Dying of chakra exhaustion was one of the longest and most painful deaths, each organ slowly failing before the heart finally stopped. 

And it had taken a while to get the formula right.

Detailed notes described the progress of the shinobi’s state after each uptake of a different formula, and Sakura didn’t know what to do with this. With all this disgusting, sickening knowledge. 

She made it just in time to the bathroom. 

Then the experiments moved on from war prisoners to orphans. She found pictures of the children, then of what had become of them. 

Sakura threw up again at that. 

For some reasons, Orochimaru seemed convinced he could replicate the Mokuton by combining the Shodaime’s DNA with that of infants. It had not worked well, the babe’s and children’s bodies reacting violently and gruesomely to the foreign DNA. 

But these notes were just copies, not full patient files. From the looks of them, the lab Sakura had found had focused mostly on developing new drugs to enhance chakra production, and, for some reasons, on the sharingan.

Sakura doubted this research had been approved by the Council. 

Which led to many questions. Who had financed this research? Provided the test subjects and the facilities? She didn’t know much about Orochimaru, but she knew he wasn’t part of a Noble Clan. There was no way he’d had the personal funds for this. The lab was located in the sewers, too, meaning some of the top brass had had to know about it. 

The more she thought about it, the more certain Sakura was that Orochimaru had had the support of someone important. And there was no way the Sandaime hadn’t known at least part of what he’d been doing. 

She found some answers later into the night. She’d reviewed almost all the papers when she reached files that looked like accounting and logistics. Different supplies were listed, their quantity at different dates, and then, finally, files with approved requests for new supplies. There were no signatures on them, only a stamp with 根 on it. Sakura stared.

 _A root, the source; the root, nature; the character one has by birth. Or perseverance, patience; an arithmetic root_ , her brain provided. It didn’t help, but she memorised the kanji. Something named Root had approved this. Had supplied Orochimaru with equipments, even. It had to be important.

Sakura licked her lips and organised her thoughts. 

First, she needed to decide what she’d use as a bargaining chip for her new leg. It had to be enough, or she’d die. But she would give as little as possible. It had to be damnable for Orochimaru only, and impossible to trace back to her.

Then, she needed to figure out where to stock the rest of these heavily compromising files. She’d decide what to do with them later, once she got her new leg. 

The first part was easy enough. She gathered all the research on chakra-enhancing drugs. It was probably the one that would most easily lead to actual results and new potential breakthroughs. 

Knowing she was going to willingly give this to an enemy made her heart clench. But she needed a leg. And it was better to give this, with the results from experiments conducted on war prisoners, than to give research on one of Konoha’s clans secrets or research betraying that Konoha was willing to conduct experiments on orphans. 

It was the lesser evil. For Konoha and the image of the Village. Still, Sakura felt guilty and sick as she copied the files, then compiled them a folder and stored it in a scroll that would only open to her blood and chakra. 

She stared at the scroll for a long while. Was she really doing this? Did it make sense, to betray the Village just to be able to keep fighting for it? 

She didn’t know.

But what had the Village ever done for her? She’d always had to fight harder than anyone else to get what she wanted, to get half the recognition everyone else got. What she wanted was to keep her loved ones safe, and for now, it meant being a shinobi of Konoha. It meant becoming stronger. It meant having two legs.

And maybe she was giving away information that could be used by enemies, but the lab had been there for more than a decade. It had clearly been forgotten, and it had taken her two months just to find it. She doubted anyone but Orochimaru knew about what she’d read. And it wasn’t research the Village approved of anyway. Or it shouldn’t be. 

And it was Orochimaru. If giving away his research to one of his enemy could undermine him in any way, then it was all the better. Just because he’d left the Village, it didn’t mean she’d forgiven or forgotten him and what he’d done. 

So she compartmentalised the guilt and tried as best she could to get rid of it. This was who she was becoming. She was a Rat, a survivor, and nowadays it seemed it meant taking illegal assassination missions to get information she needed. 

She’d changed so much. But there was only one way, forward. 

She sighed and got up to make some coffee. She wondered what she could do with the rest of the files. Put them in a safe, maybe? But nowhere was safe in this damned Village, except maybe clan grounds. 

_Oh._

  
« Yo, Sasuke, » Sakura greeted nonchalantly. 

Sasuke glared at her. « What do you want, » he said flatly. He’d had time to get over his bitterness at her promotion, but their relationship was as strained as it’d always been. 

« Let me in? It’s been a while. » 

Sasuke considered her for a few seconds, then moved out of the way to let her in the compound. They didn’t talk as they slowly made their way to one of the houses. Sakura wondered why Sasuke hadn’t moved out. Being reminded everyday that hundreds of your people had been massacred in their homes couldn’t be easy to shoulder. No wonder Sasuke was so fucked up. 

Sasuke made them tea, and they sat down at the kotatsu. 

« Now tell me what the hell you want before I kick you out, » he spat. Charming as always. He looked well, she noted distantly.

Sakura put her hands on her too warm cup before answering.

« I need your help. I’ve dug out some stuff that I can’t keep with me. No one’ll dare search clan’s ground, right? So I’d like to keep it here, if that’s alright. » 

Sasuke frowned at her. « What game are you playing, Sakura? » 

Sakura shrugged. « I’m not playing any game. There are things happening in this Village, though, that shouldn’t be. Things that happened and that don’t make sense, too. » 

She wasn’t exactly lying, but she wasn’t telling the truth either. Far from it. She didn’t feel guilty, though. She would put her survival and that of her people first, no matter what. Of course, that included Sasuke, but what he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him in this case. 

He’d helped her before, too, and she wasn’t above using that to her advantage. 

« I don’t know if it’s related to what we were looking up before, » she said, catching his attention. Everything Naruto-related caught his attention, and how had she not noticed that before? She wouldn’t have wasted years on a pointless crush if she’d just _paid attention_. But no matter, she knew better now. 

She considered what to say. « You know about him, right? » She said tentatively. His gaze on her was sharp and cold. If she said the wrong thing, he would end her. 

Or, more realistically, kick her out.

« About what he is, » she pressed.

Sasuke didn’t move. He just _looked_ at her, and she bit her lower lip. « So, it kinda makes sense why he’s treated this way. I mean, it’s obviously unfair and fucked up to resent him for that, but at least there’s a reason why, sort of. » 

« Get to the fucking point, » Sasuke said, his voice cold as ice. 

« What doesn’t make sense, » Sakura went on, unruffled, « is how everyone found out about it. It’s supposed to be a secret. An actual state secret. So how come everyone knows? Someone must have leaked it. » 

Sasuke looked at her for a long while. « You said that before. Whatever you found is related to that? » 

« Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. It’s just something else that’s weird and shouldn’t have happened. It’s best if you don’t ask too many questions for now. » 

Sasuke raised an imperious eyebrow. « You’re asking me to keep sensitive information, and you won’t even tell me about it? »

« It’s safest for everyone involved, » Sakura replied flatly. « No one knows I know. And less of a chance for you to slip up if you don’t know. The people involved… They’re powerful. » 

_Powerful enough to get away with financing research on orphans without their name being mentioned at all,_ she thought. The Snake Bastard had been the only one to fall for his research. But she didn’t say that. She couldn’t. Because then she’d have to talk about all the research on developing the Sharigan in non-Uchiha, and she didn’t know enough to share that with Sasuke yet. Because it had already made her question what she knew about the Uchiha massacre, now that she knew that the Uchiha had been studied and might have been experimented on prior to the Massacre. Now that she knew that there were people who had been too interested in the Sharigan for the Uchiha’s good. 

She didn’t know enough yet to open this worm can and doing so now would only cause a mess. 

Sasuke frowned, but he accepted to hide the scroll for her. Sakura sighed in relief, and played with her cup while Sasuke left her in the living room. He came back after a few minutes, and they sat in almost companionable silence. 

« You’ve changed, » Sasuke said eventually. Sakura was surprised he was the one to break the silence. Maybe she shouldn’t be. Sasuke had changed, too. 

« It’s not just that you’re not fangirling anymore, » Sasuke went on. « I don’t recognise you at all. » 

Sakura laughed. Sasuke had never known her. Had never looked at her. That him, of all people, would notice her change was laughable. 

But then, she _had_ changed. She hadn’t had the choice. She couldn’t have afforded to stay the same, not with how unprotected and weak she’d been. She’d had to guard her own back for so long, she hadn’t been careful where her steps had taken her and she’d ended up signing her life away to the Rats. She’d had to change, because there was no one to protect her innocence. 

But surely, Sasuke understood that. He was alone, too. 

He was looking at her with a frown, though, and Sakura realised. He _didn’t_ understand. That was the thing with Team 7. They were so full of their own trauma and wariness that they had a hard time spotting similarities in others. 

Sakura sighed, then smiled slightly. The most honest smile she’d worn all evening. « How’s Naruto? » 

« How would I know? » 

Sakura raised an eyebrow, her smile still in place. She waited. Eventually, Sasuke blushed and looked away. 

« He’s fine, » he said. « He was supposed to leave with Jiraiya for an apprenticeship, but it didn’t happen in the end. » 

« Good, » Sakura said. Sasuke narrowed his eyes at her, then smirked. « I _knew_ you had something to do with it. Naruto told me you visited him when he was training for the finals. » 

Sakura shrugged. « Jiraiya was being awfully familiar. I took offence. Naruto should have, too, but he’s too… trusting for that. » 

Sasuke huffed. « He’s an idiot. He’s too naïve for his own good. Now he’s on an apprenticeship with Iruka and the Hokage. He’s working on his chakra control and learning fuuinjutsu. » 

He paused. 

« Apparently the Hokage’s specialised in medical fuuinjutsu. I didn’t even know it was a thing, » he said with a shrug.

Sakura nodded. « Naruto’s really passionate about fuuinjutsu. He must be going crazy with everything he’s learning, and all the new possibilities. »

Sasuke snorted at that. « Tell me about it. That’s all he talks about these days. » The fondness was clear in his tone, and he blushed.

« What about you? » Sakura asked to change the subject. She wasn’t ready to talk with Sasuke about his relationship with Naruto.

Sasuke looked away and frowned. « The Hokage thinks it’s best I stay in the Village for now, » he said. 

_So he’s still considered a flight risk_ , Sakura thought with a sigh. It made sense, but she wasn’t sure keeping Sasuke in the Village would help much. 

« I’m doing an apprenticeship with Nara Shikaku. He’s teaching me jounin commander stuff. » 

Sakura looked at him in surprise. « Don’t look at me like that, » he huffed. « Logistics is… interesting. And cryptography’s alright too, I guess. » 

Sasuke admitting to having interests? He had changed a lot. He looked… Lighter, too. Like the weight on his shoulders had been lifted a bit. 

Maybe it had. 

Sakura couldn’t help but feel jealous. The weight on her shoulders felt heavier by the day. But she was glad Naruto and Sasuke were alright. 

She smiled and got to her feet. « I’m glad you’re well, Sasuke. I’ll leave now, if that’s alright. Thanks again for helping me out. »

Sasuke huffed but didn’t reply. He walked her to the main gate. 

« Sasuke, » she said, stopping him when he turned to leave. « You might want to move out. Leave the ghosts behind before you turn into one. » She paused and smirked. « I’m sure Naruto’s tired of living alone. He’d probably enjoy the company. Take care. » 

She left before he could answer. 

Sakura rang the bell and waited. The building was new, and it reeked of fresh paint. 

The door opened, revealing a barely awake Genma. « Hey Genma. What’s up? » 

« Hey yourself. Do I want to know how you found my new address? I was only assigned this apartment when I got back last night. »

Sakura smiled innocently. « Don’t worry about it. » 

Genma blinked and yawned. « I’m not awake enough for this. Well, come on in. »

Sakura took her shoes off and followed Genma in. The apartment was bigger than the last one, with a closed kitchen instead of an open one. The walls were painted in white, and there wasn’t much furniture yet. There were seals on the walls already, though. Genma had wasted no time asking Iruka-sensei for wards and protection. 

« Coffee? » Genma called from the kitchen. Sakura joined him and sat at the kitchen table. « Yup, please. » 

Genma put a mug of black coffee, just as strong as she liked, in front of her. He added milk and sugar to his own cup, and Sakura wrinkled her nose at that. Gross. 

« So tell me, squirrel, what brings you here at ass o’clock in the morning? » 

Sakura smiled sheepishly. « Yeah, sorry about that. I was afraid I’d miss you otherwise. I wanted to tell you this in person. » 

Sakura bit her lower lip and lost herself in the reflection of the naked light bulb on the black beverage for a few seconds. She wasn’t sure how to say this. 

« Last time, you told me to let you know beforehand. » She looked up. Genma was looking at her with a distant look on his face. She swallowed and went on. « So, this is me telling you that I’m going to do something. And… It’ll have consequences for me. But I don’t really have a choice. I mean, I had a choice, but I made it a long time ago. And now I have to deal with the consequences. » 

Genma arched an eyebrow at her. « So. You’re about to do something big. May I know what the hell you’ve gotten yourself into? » 

Sakura bit her lower lip again. She could do this. She could tell Genma things, she trusted him. « Yeah, » she said. She closed her eyes for a second. « OK, so, when I went to the Land of Rats, the Rat Queen accepted to have me as their summoner. In exchange for training me, she asked for my arm. » 

Sakura paused and looked up at Genma. « Your… arm, » he said flatly. 

« Yeah! What an asshole, right? » Sakura exclaimed. She took her head in her hands. « So, I said ‘no way’. ‘Cause she wanted the arm now, which, at the time, meant right before the finals of the chuunin exam. » 

« Right, » Genma said slowly.

« So I bargained for a six-month delay in exchange for my leg. I mean, I’m just losing my leg, not my arm with it. But, yeah. » 

Genma stared at her. « You’re telling me you’re going to… lose a leg? » 

« Yeah. But I found a solution. I think it’s best if you don’t know what it is, though. For, uh, plausible deniability, Gizaman said. » 

« Right, » Genma said again. He was still looking at her, as if waiting for something. Sakura fought not to squirm under the scrutiny. « You’re serious, » he said eventually. Sakura nodded. Of course she was. She wouldn’t joke around with something like that. 

Genma retrieved a senbon from gods knew where and started playing with it in his mouth. 

« Plausible deniability, you said. »

« Yeah. » 

« I don’t give a fuck, » Genma said flatly. « I’m T&I-trained, and I’m one of the best interrogators too. I can keep secrets, squirrel. So spill. » 

Sakura’s eyebrows shot up in surprise. 

« I mean, if you want to tell me, » Genma amended. 

« Yeah, I want to, it’s just… » Sakura paused. « I’m scared you won’t see me the same way afterwards. » 

Genma looked away and played with his senbon for a bit. Sakura had never seen him look this restless. 

« Look, » he said eventually, looking her in the eyes again. « We’ve known each other in a mostly non-professional context. Sure, we’ve trained together a bit, but we’ve never been on missions together. » 

« I was on the Yondaime personal guard, and more often than not that meant disposing of threats. The Yondaime died, and I started taking assassination missions as a way to cope. Which is about as unhealthy as it sounds. Then I did an internship in T&I, where I learnt how to best extract information, how to best break someone. »

« All that to say, I’ve done my fair share of morally dubious choices. Shinobi is a morally dubious choice of career. So whatever you’ve done, it won’t change the fact that I love you and care about you. If you want to tell me, go ahead. I won’t judge you. And it’s safe to speak here, you know I’m careful with that. » 

Sakura looked at Genma, stared really. She was so grateful to have him in her life. She’d spent months coming up with a plan for a leg, and it’d been so stressful to do it mostly alone. Genma was one of the people she trusted most; he’d never betray her with her secrets. 

« OK, » she said. She sighed in relief. She’d kept everything to herself so far, she felt like she was about to implode from stress alone. So she didn’t second guess herself and started telling him everything. How she’d gathered information. How she’d started taking up clandestine missions. How she’d found someone who could make her a leg, and what that person had asked in return. How she’d found Orochimaru’s lab, and everything she’d found there. The information she’d selected for the deal.

Genma listened carefully, a serious look on his face. « That’s… a lot, » he said eventually. « You do know that it’s technically treason, right? If you get caught, you’ll be considered a traitor. » 

Sakura sighed. « Then I better not get caught, right? » She tried to smile, but didn’t quite manage. Genma considered her for a few seconds, his senbon moving restlessly in his mouth. 

« Why did you reverse-summon yourself, Sakura? » 

Sakura frowned. They’d gone over that already, when she’d come back from the Land of Rats. « To get stronger, » she said. « So that I could protect the people I love. » 

Genma crossed his arms. « There you have it. I can’t say I… agree exactly with your course of actions, but I can stand behind your reasons. So quit the sad face. There’s no use feeling guilty now. » 

Sakura looked away. Was it really that simple? 

« Come here, » Genma said gently. Sakura got up slowly, and stopped just in front of Genma. She looked up. His brown eyes were warm and determined. 

Genma cupped her cheek. « You’re not alone, » Genma said. « You can count on us. Kakashi, Anko, your asshole rat and I. We’ve got your back. » 

Sakura nodded. « Do you think I’m making a mistake? » 

Genma sighed. « I think you’re doing the best you can given your circumstances. Reverse-summoning yourself… Maybe that wasn’t your brightest idea. In the future, do try to consider the consequences of your actions. You could have died. » 

Sakura looked away. She could have. She would have, had the Rat Queen decided she wasn’t worth it. 

« But I get where you were coming from, » Genma went on. « Being a shinobi is making the most ouf of every opportunity. You were given less than most, due to your being civilian-born. I can’t say I blame you for trying to even that out. » 

Genma hugged her and Sakura melted into the embrace.

« I love you, alright? » 

« Yeah. And I, you, Genma. » 

Genma was warm and alive. Sakura took comfort in his scent that had become home to her. 

« You said you didn’t want to miss me. You’re leaving soon, then, » he said after a while. He sounded tired. « Does Anko know? Kakashi? » 

Sakura sighed. « I told Kaka-senpai before he left the Village two days ago. And Anko, yesterday. I didn’t tell them the full story, but I told them something. »

Genma looked at her carefully, as if memorising her face.

« Be careful, squirrel. Come back to me in one piece. »

Sakura almost laughed. If it all went well, she’d come back in two pieces. 

She received her summon to the Hokage’s office a few hours later. Shizune-san smiled at her, and Sakura smiled back. The Hokage, looking stressed out and tired as always, briefed her on her mission, a solo protective detail. The mission would last from two weeks to a month, depending on the client’s wishes. 

A merchant from Konoha was going to a festival up North, near the Land of Lighting. The merchant had specifically requested Sakura, who widened her eyes in surprise she didn’t feel. Since it was a specific request from the client, Sakura had been summoned to the Hokage office as per procedure instead of receiving the mission at the chuunin mission desk. 

_Game on_ , she thought. Sakura had to appear competent enough so as not to worry the Hokage, but also bland enough that she would forget about Sakura easily enough. 

The Hokage smirked at Sakura’s surprised face. « You’ve built quite a reputation for yourself, Sakura-chan. The civilians like you. » 

Sakura channelled a small amount of chakra to her cheeks to force a blush. « Thank you, Hokage-sama. Although, if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather you call me Sakura-kun. » 

She immediately ducked her head down in feigned embarrassment. « Ah, I’ll do my best on the mission! I’ll make Konoha proud, Hokaga-sama! » 

She was aiming for an innocent and obedient image, but still like she knew what she wanted. Sakura looked up shyly, and the Hokage looked satisfied but uninterested. So far, so good. 

Shizune-san handed her the mission scroll and Sakura was dismissed. She clenched and unclenched her hands, then went to Kaka-senpai’s to get her stuff ready. 

Weapons, food, clothes, money: check. 

Mission scroll: check. 

Storage scroll containing enough damning information for her to be put in the darkest cell of T&I to never see the Sun again: check. 

She paced in Kaka-senpai’s small apartment, twirling a kunai on one of her fingers. Her heart was pounding with anxiety. Holy hell, this was really happening. This was really happening. Maybe this was all a mistake. Maybe she ought to reconsider. 

She bit her lower lip. No. She’d made up her mind months ago. Back when she’d decided a leg was nothing on her life. The Rat Queen had been right: she was a Rat, and she’d survive. She’d found a way, so now she’d go down that road. 

All the way to hell, no doubt, she thought with a bitter laugh. How had this become her life? 

It was time to go at last. She locked the door, engaging all the seals and traps that would make any intruder sorry they’d ever thought about getting in uninvited. 

She walked through Konoha at a sedate pace. It was months since she’d last taken the time to walk through the Village. It had changed a lot. Most of the ruins had been razed to the ground and rebuilt now. There was still a lot of construction going on, though. 

She stopped when she heard a familiar voice, up ahead. 

Ino was there, with her team. She was radiant as always, her blond hair shining in the late morning light. Bright, beautiful, smart Ino. She hadn’t spotted Sakura, although it looked like Shikamaru had, if the sudden tension in his shoulders was any indication. 

Sakura was part of the shadows now, while Ino had always been meant for the light. This was how it was supposed to be: Sakura, making her own path, pushing forward in the dark, while Ino walked in the spotlight, turning heads as she marched on to glory. 

It was how it was supposed to be. 

So why was Sakura frowning? She’d always admired Ino, and it wasn’t something that usually bothered her. 

Why was she frowning? 

Then she saw it. Or, rather, she allowed herself to see. The Rats had trained her well, to not only see but to actually observe. And so, even through the admiration, she observed. She saw uncalloused hands. An untrained body with little muscle mass. The way Ino walked, leaving her body open to attacks. 

Sakura observed, and she saw three children, going through the market and having fun the way she hadn’t in months. 

She observed and she saw children, and she realised she wasn’t one anymore. 

She sighed and turned to leave. She couldn’t let sentimentality get to her now. Because she wasn’t a child anymore. Because she had responsibilities and places to be. 

« Sakura! » Ino’s voice stopped her. Sakura turned around slowly. « Ah, I thought it was you, » Ino said, her hands on her hips. Sakura’s feet took her to Team 10 before she could think better of it. Ino had always attracted her, had been the centre of Sakura’s life for so long. She was the Sun and Sakura couldn’t fight the pull. She was bound to burn.

« Yo, » Sakura said flatly. She was too anxious to smile, it would only look like a grimace. She thought she might be sick. 

« I heard you’re a chuunin now, » Ino said with a huff. She looked and sounded so childish. Like she was twelve and had never had to kill to defend her teammates, or to pierce someone with a sword, feeling the warm blood flowing on her hands, or like she’d never had to bury a friend. Sakura breathed in and out to fight the nausea. « Yeah, and going on my first solo mission outside of Fire country. » She managed a smirk. 

Asuma-sensei eyed her curiously, and Sakura hated the attention. « You’re Hatake’s, right? » 

« Yup, » she said, popping the « p », because that she was. Through and through, a proud member of the fucked up train wreck waiting to happen that was Kaka-senpai’s pack – the human part of it anyway. Because that was what they were. A fucking disaster. 

Kaka-senpai, depression, anxiety – Genma’s words, not hers – and enough guilt to drown in it, spent half his time at the Memorial monument on a good day and didn’t get out of bed on a bad one, socially inept and too tired of life to function most days, probably lost all his loved ones in the worst possible ways – not that he ever talked about it, couldn’t cope with feelings. 

Genma, joked to hide the pain, accomplished member of T&I with everything it implied, genuinely friend with Anko, liked to take in strays as fucked up as him to cut through the numbness of life, prankster for the same reasons, apathetic most of the time, morally grey on his good days. 

Tenzou-senpai, too exhausted to exist, even more socially inept than Kaka-senpai, probably the most fucked up past in Konoha if the snippets Sakura had heard were anything to go by, kept going because that was easier than to stop, completely desensitised to death, when confronted with a potential threat was of the kill first, pretend to be sorry later philosophy. And she’d only spent a couple evenings with the man, so she didn’t even know him that well. 

There was Gai-sensei too, but she wasn’t sure how he fit with Kaka-senpai yet. She’d get to meet him soon enough anyway. And if she had any say in it, Anko would join them too. She hadn’t had the opportunity to make it happen yet, but she’d get there.

And then there was her… but she didn’t want to psychoanalyse herself right now. Especially not when it felt like her insides were melting from anxiety.

« I… see, » Asuma-sensei said with a face that betrayed his uncertainty. Sakura smiled, letting some of her bloodlust show. « You know Kaka-senpai well? » 

« Senpai…? » Asuma-sensei repeated with a frown. _Ah, fuck_. Well, she’d let Kaka-senpai deal with this particular mess. 

Tenzou and she had bet on the consequences of her referring to Hatake Kakashi as senpai. Tenzou had said it’d take three months for the Village to catch on and for people to start whispering about her being in ANBU. Sakura, considering she didn’t have much of a social life anymore, had bet on six months. Looked like Tenzou would win.

Sakura hummed in answer and stared without faltering. If she focused on this, on fucking with Ino’s sensei, then it was easier to breathe. As long as she pretended Ino wasn’t here.

« Anyway, I’ve got to go, » she said. « Don’t want to make my client wait. See you around! » She chirped brightly. 

« Bye, Forehead, » Ino said with a bit of uncertainty. Chouji waved at her, and Shikamaru ignored her. Asuma-sensei looked between the four of them with a frown. 

« Goodbye, Sakura-chan. » 

The journey was uneventful, yet Sakura barely managed to breathe through the lump in her throat. The rich merchant, Lady Azumi, was clearly judging her for her nerves but Sakura didn't give a shit. 

It was a staged mission after all. 

They arrived in Yoshida, up North, just before the beginning of the festival. Sakura was replaced by a shinobi in henge, and she went down a secret tunnel to face her fate. It felt like she was going down to hell. It didn't help that it was her decision, that she going there voluntarily. 

The unlit tunnel led to a too bright room, halfway between a workshop and an operating theatre. Too soon, she found herself in front of a … _person_ that didn’t feel entirely human, and it was too late to turn back.

She didn’t think she wanted to anyway. She couldn’t afford to back down now. 

« I am Sasori of the Red Sand, » the person said. « Give me the information, and if I find it satisfying then we’ll get down to business. If I don’t, then you’ll die. »

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! <3
> 
> I'll post the first chapter of the next part very soon, since I'm almost done with it ^^  
> Many questions are left unanswered, and they'll all be addressed in the next part. We won’t see much of Team 7, except for Kakashi. Sakura will make new friends too! And enemies as well. Oops. 
> 
> Part 2 will definitely be darker, but Sakura will also work on better ways to cope. She won't be alone either. 
> 
> For the shippers out there! I don't think we'll have anything romantic yet. I’ve read comments mentioning Gaara / Sakura and Karin / Sakura. I’m partial to Ino / Sakura myself.  
> Honestly, any of them would work here! But like, later. When Sakura's had a bit more time to deal with her shit. I'll definitely explore Sakura's relationships with these three characters in the next fic, but for now Sakura doesn't have the time or mental space to deal with a romantic relationship imo. Just wanted to let you know!
> 
> Take care everyone, and be careful in these troubled times. <3
> 
> [tumblr](http://scurrile-histrion.tumblr.com)   
> 


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